Title : So Much More
Author : Katiyana
Summary : Companion piece to 'Saving Her'. Daniel's POV
Disclaimer : Not in any way my characters.
The only time I've ever been kissed by Janet Fraiser is over a decade after she's been dead. It was the most incredibly warm, sweet and exquisite kiss I have ever received. But it wasn't even really meant for me. It was meant for me in a way, I suppose. I'm still Daniel Jackson and that's the person she meant to kiss. Just not her Daniel Jackson, the one who managed to marry her.
The one who managed to be intelligent enough to be on high alert and on the sharpest lookout for any unexpected attacks. The one who injured himself in the process of saving her but saved her life nonetheless. The one who had a glorious second chance at the love of a lifetime and was smart enough to grab it. The one who she fell in love with and built a family with. The one who still has her to love every second of his blessedly full life. The Daniel Jackson alive now like me but who at the same time is not me.
I can't believe I never even told her. The way she kissed me, I felt that I'd recovered a part of my soul. It was the most amazing experience. I'll never feel it again. She's gone now. Back to the arms of her husband, the father of her children. And the way she put it, the love of her life.
Children! In that life, she and he had three more children besides Cassie. I would have been ecstatically grateful just to have Cassie. But imagine being a daddy to three more! Being there from the very time they were conceived. Savoring each moment of them growing up. Two adorable little boys and a dainty little princess of a daughter. What I wouldn't give to hold any of them and call them my own.
But she's gone. Dead. As I lay staring up at my bedroom ceiling, I feel the emptiness of being alone. I feel the guilt I know I will carry for the rest of my life. She deserved so much more. There was still so much life for her to live. I've seen it. I know.
And it's all my fault. Mine and mine alone. If only I hadn't been concentrating so hard on videoing that message. If only I had looked around more often, been more alert to what was happening around me. If only I had been quicker. If only.
The look on Cassie's face has been tearing me to pieces, bit by jagged bit. She said that she understands and that it just wasn't meant to be in this life. But I know. She must blame me for not saving her mother. And she's right, Cassie also deserves so much more than this. She lost her second mother and any chance of being part of a complete family by my sheer stupidity.
Everyone says that it wasn't my fault. Even she did. She looked at me with such compassion in those beautiful brown eyes. I could not utter a single word, it was all I could do not to throw myself at her feet and beg her forgiveness. I felt so devastated I could not even weep.
We had a chance at so much more. There were so many things I should have done differently. But that life is not mine as much as I wish it could be. In another life, Janet Fraiser is alive and in love, with me. I could have had so much more than this, so much more. But that will never be for me.