Side Effects May Occur
OMG this is like going to be an awesome fanfic, lol! Cuz like team Hebi is ttylly hot and it's sooo random lol.
Somewhere in the woods of ninja-land, Sasuke and his motley crew were camped out for the night. Juugo was talking to birds and practicing his needlepoint, while Suigetsu was engaged in a torrid love affair with his sippy cup and obsessing over his collection of ultra-mega rare swords. Sasuke and Karin were off in the trees doing things which would have seemed perfectly fit for those horrible romance novels you pick up off the shelf at the grocers, things that involved no small amount of innuendo and acrobatics to perform. It is a good thing that they are both in good physical shape, otherwise their amorous arboreal pursuits could have proven quite hazardous to their health. As to why Sasuke and his curious companions are up to their respective pursuits, the exact reasons shall remain unknown. Besides, you're not reading this for plot anyway.
Juugo and Suigetsu, because they are doing lame ordinary things, are currently beneath reading about.
Right then, on to our amorous pair in the trees, both of whom have somehow still managed to avoid getting splinters in some very sensitive places.
Sasuke, despite all evidence to the contrary of being a very masculine example of pure bull-headed male ego, really is a totally kawaii masochistic submissive deep down inside. He's also an incredibly kinky slut, because everyone who studies under Orochimaru totally has some sort of super secret training/brainwashing like that. Fortunately, Karin is a closet dominatrix – because every girl who is aggressive is totally sexually dominant, amirite – and so Sasuke is a relatively happy little camper. His struggles to free himself from the restraints are a sign of affection and interest, really. At least, that's what we suspect they're trained to interpret the action as in Orochimaru's super secret brainwashing camps.
"Karin, my casual disinterest in sex is a complete fabrication," said Sasuke, as he struggled his hardest to get free. "I am, in reality, a total freak for it. However, this situation is not nearly kinky enough for my freakish nature."
Karin kicked him flat on his back for talking out of turn – he would have things no other way, after all, and it's only the best for Sasuke-kun – and finally replied, "Well, we could try something with the curse seal. That'd be new. Would you like that, love bunny – I mean, slave?"
"Oh, very much so, Mistress," Sasuke said, gleefully struggling some more.
"Then tap that curse seal and get your freak on, slave!"
He transformed, accidentally breaking the restraints in the process. This was rather saddening to him, as they were the last set of restraints left. Convinced their fun was at an end, his wings drooped and his teenage angst mode started swing into high gear.
Karin quickly put a stop to it by punching him square in his pretty face. "Love bunny! I mean, slave, all is not lost! Your mistress has a plan!"
"A plan?" he echoed incredulously, earning himself a firm slapping.
"Yes!" said Karin, in her most perky 'ooh-boy, this is gonna go on livejournal' voice. "I'll use my curse seal and we can transform into our opposite genders. So, love bunny – slave, you can get topped as a girl!"
Sasuke considered this while he nursed his bleeding nose. He had never tried to henge into anything in curse seal form – it just kind of did what he wanted it to do. And before that, he'd found Naruto's stupid transformation rather useless, but now years of supposed kinky brainwashing and training suggested that – hey, it might not be so bad. "Can I stay in cursed form, Mistress?"
"Sure, love-slave!" said Karin, who then activated her rarely seen seal. It is so rarely seen, it is purely speculation and ergo unimportant to describe in great detail. This is precisely why I will still point out that she now has longer, wilder, lighter colored hair, black sclera and darker skin. Also, if you are a male reader, she now has impossibly huge tits. If you are a female reader, you have just rolled your eyes.
Sasuke, meanwhile, had attempted to transform, but was having little luck since it required only a fraction of the chakra he was putting out. Frustrated and still thinking of how he should look in cursed form as a girl, Sasuke finally decided to treat it like one of those super-awesome prehensile extensions of the seal he could make. The curse seal enzyme chose that moment to zip into hyper drive and soon Sasuke could proudly say he at least looked like a girl, even if said girl happened to be just a wee bit on the creepy freak of nature side.
...Okay, a lot on the creepy freak of nature side. Male readers please note that he is now a she with huge tits. Be assured. You are still sort of heterosexual.
Karin's male curse-seal version, predictably, looked a bit too much like Sasuke with glasses. This was A-ok in Sasuke's book, as he was a kinky bastard and just a touch narcissistic.
The following scene would be too troublesome to write. Readers may insert their favorite staples of het pairing lemons into this space, with as much kink and predictable foreplay as they like.
Some time later, the exhausted, rumpled but most definitely back-to-normal pair stumbled back to camp as if nothing has happened and no one happened to hear their banshee howls. There is a prolonged and very awkward silence.
"So, you two have fun?" Suigetsu asked, chortling merrily.
He received his answer in the form of Karin's foot going through his aqueous skull and life for the odd team of misfits resumed as normal.
Days pass, because it is always only days and never weeks or months. They wonder why they are camping and where they are in relation to canon events. Such is the nature of temporally unspecific fan fiction. It is at some point during this time that Sasuke notices a problem brewing.
"Guys, we have a problem," Sasuke said, marching into camp, noticeably rumpled. "We are out of cocoa puffs. Also, Karin is running out of hotpants and stockings, so unless you want to by me some sets of my own for the Wednesday Night Orgies, the pilfering of her stuff stops now."
"You're the one wearing them, you twit," Suigetsu pointed out.
Sasuke stepped aside, letting the equally-rumpled Karin punch the swordsman into puddle-shaped compliance, before replying, "Only because I allow you to tie me down and force me into them, so it's a moot point. The cocoa puffs, however, are serious fucking business."
The puddle that was Suigetsu oozes in what might be a compliant manner and so the team's intrepid leader considers the matter closed.
"Any other matters that need attention?" Sasuke asked. "No? Great, because I have the strangest desire to go get pickles and coffee ice cream."
Juugo cleared his throat, put aside his needlepoint and leveled the rumpled pair with a rather concerned look. "You guys haven't been using the seal in any other manner than the prescribed fashion, have you?"
"Not that it's any of your concern, but yes," Sasuke replied.
The expression on Juugo's face seemed to say that he was both not surprised and afraid of that. "Well, you know, Sasuke, the curse seal does have some side effects..."
"Oh, I know," our intrepid avenger said, unconcerned. "I've got the excessive hair growth and rapid mutations totally under control now."
Juugo deadpanned. "...Other side effects."
"The psychosis and rapid chakra drain? Totally got that in the bag," Sasuke waved his hand as if brushing it off.
Suigetsu recollected himself and resumed watching them, his precious sippy cup in hand. He had this sense, you see, that something amazing and hilarious was going to occur and he must be present to laugh at it. Such is the way of Mist ninja.
"Noooooooo," Juugo sighed, drawing out the vowel. "Let me put it this way: my enzyme can do many nifty things to the body's cells, like make it hard as steel, grow weapons, snakes and other weird crap and mend flesh. You were unnaturally altered to adapt your cells to be controlled by my enzyme, which allows you to completely alter your body's cell structure."
Genius mode kicking into high gear, Sasuke soon arrived at a conclusion both confusing and heretofore never considered. "...Oh shit. Karin knocked me up."
Suigetsu laughed so hard he lost control of his body and liquefied. He quite literally wet himself.
"But, but... science!" Karin protested weakly.
Silly woman, science has no place in ninja-land.
This sucks, thought Sasuke. That lovely perk of being able to morph his body into other things turned around to bit him quite hard in the ass on this one, leaving him kind of somewhere outside normal gender boundaries and up the duff. "Damn my kinky habits!" he muttered. Still, he had to admit, it had made moving around with the ...well, whatever the brat was, a lot easier when he shifted to the female end of the gender spectrum. Not to mention it had made their team sex life a little more interesting.
Two things made the situation only marginally better. One – Itachi was not alive to see this humiliation and two...
Predictably, Naruto and his new huge team charge into the picture, disregarding life and limb.
"Naruto," Sasuke replied, bored.
"SASUKE!" Naruto shouted again, panting.
"Naruto..." Sasuke growled. Did they have to do this name thing every fucking time?
"Sasuke!" Naruto started, trailing off suddenly. "...Holy shit. You've got tits and you're fat."
Sasuke uncharacteristically burst into tears, because he's a hormonal pregnant wreck of a man in a woman's form and totally insecure about his current body image. Nah, he's really fine – he's just messing with Naruto's head because it's what he does and it'll be hilarious to watch Juugo and Karin pound Naruto's head into the ground. He may be pregnant and female, but Sasuke is still Sasuke and his bastardly nature still reigns supreme here.
"Look what you've done!" Karin shrieked and suddenly had her arms full of weepy, clinging, manipulative Uchiha survivor. "Oh, love bunny, you aren't fat - it's just the baby! You'll be back to yourself soon!"
Naruto and his team all don expressions of various shock and horror. Kakashi's eye is spasming so badly, it almost looks like he might be having a seizure.
"But... but... how?" Sakura finally managed, still goggling her former teammate in confusion and utter shock.
Kabuto, because he has nothing better to do and is completely batshit insane, pops in. "Well, there are several theories that could apply here, the most likely being Gynogenesis or perhaps –"
"Get away, you creep!" Hinata shouted, laying on one of her family's signature techniques. Usefulness to the plot mostly expended, she resumes lurking in the background and using her super eyesight to peep. It's what she does.
Sasuke deadpans. "Well, there goes any chance at a scientific explanation for this bullshit. Come on, Juugo, Karin, Suigetsu – let's mosey. The brat wants BBQ."
Naruto's lip quivers, his shoulders shake, and then, finally exclaims: "Damn it, Sasuke! You can't one up me on this one! I'll get stronger and then I can do M-preg, too!"
Cue another awkward silence.
"Naruto... The fox doesn't work that way," Kakashi said patiently.
"M..." Kiba burbled, eye-twitching.
"...Preg?" Shino looked ill.
"But Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke gets to do it!" Naruto whined petulantly.
Sakura and Hinata started searching their pockets for cameras.
"Look at it this way, Naruto," Kakashi said. "You can't do that, but you can have larger orgies than him."
Sasuke decided to leave before it got really more disturbing than it already was.
AN: Lolz, I'm totally wasted from the cold medication they gave me. Enjoy your parody. HOORAY FOR MUTANT CRACK BABIES.