What Am I, Chopped Liver

What Am I, Chopped Liver?

Oh, look who decided to show. Well, why don't I just flap my feathers with glee! What do you want me to do, do a happy dance because you've decided to grace us with you're presence?

Well, what are you looking at? I'm not just any bird! I'm the best of the best! The cream of the crop! Even my mother thought so! After all, she let me stay in the nest longest until my "owner", though more like warden found me on the ground, scrounging like some mangy mutt for a scrap of food – those were the most degrading hours of my life.

Even so, at that, I supposed you need your curious nature satisfied; the insatiable human curiosity. You know, if you were a cat, it'd have thankfully killed you by now. But, you're not, you're just a stupid girl; you're going to gamble and lose because this guy is one shady character.

And would you listen to the way this guy speaks? Yeesh! You'd think I was chopped lover, or something. Of course, to my "owner" I had been just that. The only good thing that old coot ever did for me was save me after my mother pushed me out of the nest. She thought I was freeloading too much and that I need to get out a bit – of course, a bit to her means a lot to the rest of the world. And, I NEVER freeload – I was so insulted! IMAGINE! Me, a freeloader?!

So, now that I've gone and opened my big beak (no pun intended, though I do crack myself), I guess you'll want to have that insatiable curiosity of your filled, now wouldn't you? I'm going to skip over most of that boring junk, usually starting with, "when I was a young chick." BAH! Give me a break, that kind of stuff is not only cheesy, it makes me sound so old!

But, enough of that, I don't mind talking, if it is about myself. I am after all, one cool bird, if I do say so myself, and you must think so, since you are gracing yourself with my presence.

Right now, I have nothing better to do, other than to stay in this prison – cage indeed! I'm offended. Me, this lovely bird, a prisoner because of a foolish gamble! No one has the right to, even touch, let alone own me if they think I'm worth nothing more than a mere…a mere game of CUPS!! Of all the indignities!

Though, I must confess, the first of these indignities was my mother throwing me out of the nest like yesterday's road kill! Hey, I helped scavenge it!

So, like so much heap of stale road kill, I was unceremoniously tossed from the nest, and may I add, in my sleep. HMPH! And, no more jokes about me waking up on the wrong side of the nest!

Lying on your back as a bird isn't much fun. Oh sure, it's a barrel of laughs if you're into being a lazy oaf, but, it's no fly in the park, especially when a dog is hanging around looking for a place to relieve himself. But, that is one way to get me off my tail.

So, after getting off my tail, as I didn't feel like being used by this mangy mutt for any reason, I had found myself scrounging for food and fending off other birds – lousy scavengers! This is when that old coot happened to come along to "save" me… Not that I needed to be saved or anything.

Now, if only he hadn't offered me food – I really should've just pecked his beady eyes out and taken the food. Why did I have to fall for that insincere tripe?

Of course, I did have to fluff my feathers and show off my splendour; not that I don't object, I am a fine specimen of a bird, if I do say so myself.

Bearing in mind I'm a lazy bird, who does enjoy the company of very fine lady birds, I heedlessly followed the old coot. Partially out of pity, but, mainly out of morbid curiosity instilled by my hunger – I'm so tired of scraps! I want something good for once!

And if that cups dealer throws me one more scrap, I'm going to give him a good bird pecking! Yeesh! Just because I'm a scavenger doesn't meant I'll eat anything… Even though that's what my previous "owner" that old coot thought, knowing what little thinking he did, if any at all.

He didn't think much, which is why my sorry tail is here in this prison, or "cage" as you humans like to call it. His lack of thought landed me in an eternal sentence here; not that I mind much, at least I don't have to do much work; I just laze around all day sitting pretty.

There are massive downsides, such as not being able to flirt with the many pretty lady birds out there. I'm sure many are pining away for my greatness…

I won't be here too long, or they might die from loneliness.

A pox on my "owner" I scoff disdainfully, as I watch this unusual thing walk over to the cups table. I'm not quite sure what to make of her. She seems different. No doubt she's going to be a fool and place a meaningless bet on a game of cups where winning is futile!

Stupid, stupid, yet pretty girl!

Oh, what's this now? The cups dealer is up in arms? Don't tell me this chick (no pun intended, though I must say I do crack myself up); actually beat this asshole at his own game? Well, clamp my beak shut and paint me red! I'd never thought I'd see the day. Now, maybe she'll notice me and free me from this goddamn prison!

Of course, a little flash never hurt anyone… This is of course where I whistle sweetly like a good birdie and flap my feathers and preen them ever-so modestly (A/N: did Crow ever so anything modestly?).

What? She took that calculator? She passed ME up for that thing? YEESH! Of all the indignations! I can't believe it, me, this lovely and fine, and not to mention exquisite specimen of a bird, the epitome of beauty and grace has been passed up for that piece of crap? I'm insulted!

I refuse to hear of this! It hurts me! And here I thought this is a fine lady who has taste and dignity. But, no, I was wrong, oh woe is me!

If they would just shut up, I could ignore them, but NOOOO instead, they keep rambling on and she hands him something so incredibly bizarre. I can't help that my interest is pique here. It is intriguing. She really isn't from around here. Interesting chick…

Of course, I was one pretty little chick when I came out of my mother's egg, I was the prettiest of all my siblings, but no one ever recognized my beauty. It would be nice that for once SOMEONE did… Yeesh, it's not asking too much now is it?

What? What's happening now? Why is the cups dealer jostling my prison (or cage for all you simple-minded humans)? And… HEY! I'm being handed to someone! That girl! She picked me! Oh glorious day!

Now, she better be a good girl and open that door so that I may spread my wings and fly to freedom! After all, she liberated from that cups dealer only… only to…

Oh dear god no! Not that box!

She hasn't liberated me; she's taken me back to my owner! I can't believer her audacity! And here I had my hopes up for nothing. I guess she's just another pretty face. If she was ugly, I'd really have something to squawk about!

But, she hasn't handed me back over yet; maybe there is hope for such a lovely and poorly treated bird such as myself now…

Blah, blah….et cetera… Damn, these humans really don't know when to shut-up, YEESH! Would it kill them to end the conservation some time this millennium before my feathers turn grey from age!!

-Sigh- I really wish they should shut their beaks and let me out of this cage! Well, at least she will; my "owner" will shove me back into that crate like so much bird-motional (A/N: well, I am making him dramatic, so, a play on words is apropos) baggage. That is the last thing I need now after spending months in this prison.

Of course, like having this drunken old coot of a sailor for an "owner" is bad enough, he didn't give me much of a name. So, reuniting with him was severely blasé. He named me "Bird" – of all the insulting things to name me! I don't believe his audacity! I should have got something better, but, I don't expect much from a guy who shoves me like so much unwanted rubbish into his mouldy dank chest!

Oh, you know there is hope…

-Squawk (indignantly of course)- I spoke to soon… She is handed be back over to him! No, I can't take this, no, no… Oh dear god, in the name of all that is bird and pure, no! I don't want to go back into that box! I thought I escaped it…


-Cry- I can't believe it -dejected- I have been shoved into the box again!

Oh, woe is me! (A/N: unwanted by necessary Crow-esque dramatics.)

Alas, I have been once again confined to this horrible box! I wish that chick had taken me! This old coot doesn't appreciate me in the slightest!

I'll never get out of here!! This is SO unfair!

I spent many days in this box! It's so hot! The heat is UNBEARABLE! Ugh… My feathers are getting icky and sweaty! It's going to ruin their silkiness, and flight will be difficult because my feathers will be ruined by all this sweat!

YEESH!! I'm a bird; I'm not supposed to sweat like this! Only pigs are supposed to sweat this much! This is a crime against nature!

-sigh- I'm so bored…and so sweaty! I wish I could take a splash in a pool!

The smell of the ocean is making me batty! The smell of that refreshing salty water! Oh man am I one thirsty little birdie!

If it wasn't for that hole there, I wouldn't be tormented so! Oh, woe is me!

-insert cut birdie-esque blink here-

Wha?? Hello…and exit! AND IT'S ALL MINE!! My ticket to freedom!


All right, about time! Oh man, it's been so long since I've spread my wings in flight! Look at me, I'm flyin', and that is not flying off the handle! -chuckle- oh, how I do crack myself up; I am ever-so witty. I really should stop before I die of laughter...

How glorious the wind feels beneath my wings!

Oh, blissful freedom! Look at me ladies! Look! I can fly, oh how I can fly! I can do amazing tricks, such as this one!

I swoop down, drop a small bushel of berries in your nest and then make a flip backwards, landing on one foot on the small tip of the branch, my wings in an eagle spread. I know you love it; they all love it! They just can't get enough of this trick! (A/N: yeah, Crow is far from modest.)

Oh, I am the ladies man, oh how I am.

And now with freedom from that old coot, I can go find any chick I want…

HEY! This is a great bird's eye view up here! And it's that girl who saved my sorry tail earlier. Maybe she'd like to be graced with my presence. After all, she had the decency to pick me after all, instead of that calculator – I'd never been more insulted in my life when she picked it up!

But, you know, she probably isn't too bad; after all, she had the fine taste to pick me! So, that scores big points in my little book! Let's see if her mind works. She'd better remember me; after all, I am a very prolific bird, and not to mention charismatic – among my other better qualities of course!

Seeing how I am free as a bird from my prison, let's awe and wow her. After all, she is a chick and chicks all love that stuff! They swoon mindlessly over the grace, -smirk- which I no doubt possess!

Now of course, I do have one slight issue… How the hell do I win a chick like her over when I got one hell of a lousy moniker like "Bird" – how uncreative!

Humans all look the same to me, or I used to think so. She's like from another world or something; she's really out of this world! I've never see a thing like this before.

Maybe she'll be a refreshing change from the mundane-ity (A/N: if I feel like making up words, I will! It's easier than getting out my freaking dictionary!) of this world.

She is also pretty; different from the chicks and the human chicks here. She… Whoa! She's not even from this world; she is really from OUT OF THIS WORLD!! Of course, I can't let her know I'm impressed, because that will ruin the whole mystique about me, and I have a reputation to worry about here.

Honestly though, I think I could tolerate her. She isn't so bad. After all, she had the common cents (A/N: deliberate) to save me from the fate awaiting me at the hands of the cups dealer if no one won me.

-musing sigh- April Ryan… Nice moniker she has. At least it doesn't massively suck like mine does – ugh! I really wish I could change it, but how do I change my name.

"How about Crow?"

I, needless to say was very surprised when this came up in conversation. She had asked me that after I reluctantly (and rightfully so), squawked out my name. She then explained (as a good little lady) why she picked Crow.

-swoon- She named me! She changed my blasted pathetic name!

Crow… That really has a nice ring to it.

-strut- Yeah, I can really see myself being "Crow" to. It gives me a whole new aura. This will let me take my mystique to a whole new level. –wink, chuckle-

What Am I, Chopped Liver?

Written by Bianca


or an unnecessary critique

Of course, a fanfic, or a story by me is never complete without the requisite author's notes to explain why everything happened…or rather my pathetic attempt to justify a fic that went the wrong way…

The first thing you'll likely notice is the bad puns, I did that on purpose. There are however, a couple of places where I either seem to misspell a word, or I used one that doesn't exist. This is because I wanted to do word play, and the latter is because I didn't feel like looking up the word I needed, so it was a quick fix. Plus, this IS from a Bird's eye view, so, it can't be THAT perfect.

I'm pretty sure there are mistakes, but, it can he justified in the manner that this is a first-person (or first-bird) monologue/dialogue/whatever the hell you want you call it, so it's structured as if they are speaking. Hence, humans are fallible in their speech (and I'm assuming birds are as well), so, if the text is too perfect, it loses its realism.

I think I may have gone over the top with the characterization, but it is as close as I could get to ensuring that I was in character here. The first fanfic is always the hardest, no matter what series it's in because it's the ice breaker. It's an ice breaker because you now have to enter that world, and/or the minds of the characters in question and it's hard on the first attempt.

There are times where it may seem like a stereotypical version, or interpretation of Crow, but that is the only way I could even get this damned piece of shit started.

But, before you start reading, there are a couple of things to note about the style I have used here.

The first thing is the actions. I've always had a hard time with first person direct actions, especially when it comes to tenses, so to save myself time and aggravation, I decided to take the easy way out (that way I wouldn't have to look over this later), and used a short descriptive word for the action. It is denoted in this fashion: -action-

I also didn't use names with the external dialogue sections. They however, are still noted with the tradition double quotes. (" ")

There are side comments from Crow's point of view, and they are put in brackets as additionally commentary because I didn't know what to do with them.

There is also a bit of excessive CAPS usage, but, it's done to set the tone. Since I tend not to add in descriptive words to describe how the person is talking, I use CAPS. There are cases were I use italics; this is usually for over dramatization and sarcasm. There are some cases where I use CAPS in italics. I find this is a better way to set the tone.

Lastly, you'll notice at parts there is something that seems to split an idea, or a sentence. I inserted author's notes directly into the fanfic – my own side commentary. They are denoted with brackets like the side commentary for Crow, however, it start with A/N, which stands for author's notes. It is in this format: (A/N: ).