"I know, I'll get a sample of his blood or hair and create a female doppelganger of him. A couple of enhancement rituals and some training in the dark arts and she'll destroy him!" Malfoy cackled madly and rubbed his hands together as he paced back and forth in front of Voldemort's throne.
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "All that'll do is improve his sex life."
"Magical clones of the opposite gender always find themselves attracted to the original. Haven't you read Malcanine's work on magical creatures and the bonds of attraction?"
"No, I'm afraid I missed that."
"Really?" Voldemort drawled out doubtfully with a raised, well he would have had he had one, eyebrow.
Malfoy growled in frustration, "for the last time, Cissy is not a female clone of me!"
"Fine, fine," Voldemort tried to placate his right hand man, "it's just that she looks more like you than anyone in the Black family has a right to and your son is practically a clone of you."
"The Malfoy family has a series of spells designed to permanently change hair and skin pigment. What's the good of ruling the world if you can't look good doing it?" Malfoy commented then froze as he considered the fact that his snakelike boss might take his comments the wrong way.
Voldemort smirked and settled back on his throne, sipping a glass of juice, before deciding that it was best to change the subject and let his underling off the hook, this time. "If you went through with your plan all that would happen is the two of them would spend a lot of time in bed together and it'd provide him with a well trained bodyguard at our expense."
"I'll take your word for it. How about taking some sand from a time turner and enhancing it to cast him randomly into the past? He'd inevitably make changes to the past, causing the timeline he's in to branch off and ensuring we'd never see him again," Malfoy ventured.
Voldemort snickered. "The amount of sand that can be enchanted and used for sending one human size target into the past would send him back to about the time his mother was attending Hogwarts. Which is ironic, because we'd have to set the trap in the great hall for it to work. The high levels of ambient raw magic that float around the school tends to concentrate there, due to the wards and the high concentration of magical people. Of course I don't need to tell you what would happen if he was faced with a teenage version of his mum."
"He'd end up being his own father and still find a way back to the present time. It's all outlined in Gregorie's Pardox parchment."
"Well at least it'd traumatize the little bastard," Malfoy grumbled.
"It wouldn't," Voldemort stated firmly before shuddering in revulsion, "and don't ask me how I know that."
The girls watched avidly as Snape was drug from the surf by the silicone enhanced blond lifeguard. They shared a grin as she went to give him mouth to mouth and he slipped her the tongue. After a few seconds of struggling she seemed to relax as a white glowing vapor poured from her mouth into Snape's own.
Standing up and brushing the sand from himself, Snape strolled back to the girls like nothing had happened.
"So, what did you think?" Lily asked.
"It was strangely filling, but it seemed a bit fake, like those muggle drinks with new sugar or whatever they're calling it," Snape admitted.
"Yeah, women like her are mostly all flash and no substance. It affects the taste of the soul. You should try the souls of the damned for something really spicy. They're like eating potato chips, eat just one and you want another."
Lily shuddered drawing the attentions of the other two.
"What?" Snape asked, wondering what could make a dementor shiver like that.
"It's like watching one of those nature shows. Look at the lifeguard you just drained."
The two turned and saw a man in a grey business suit approach the lifeguard who was staring at nothing.
"Who is he?" Snape asked, before noticing several other business suited men lingering here and there unnoticed despite the way they were dressed and wondering why he hadn't noticed them before.
"Talent Agents," Lily shuddered again, "they lurk around places where beautiful but not that bright women hang out. The women slowly lose their souls as they each attempt to outdo each other in displays of how shallow they are and when their souls have faded enough, the Talent Agents creep out and claim them!"
Snape looked at the scene in horror as the grey suited man convinced the soulless blond girl to sign a contract and slowly led her off. "What's going to happen to her?"
"Probably Baywatch or some new teen drama show. She was already headed that way, but it's still creepy to watch. At least this way she'll be able to gain some acting skills rather than being forced to play strippers and forgotten a year later."
Harry tilted his head to the side as he looked at Luna. "Did you change your shampoo?"
"No, that's strawberry jam," she explained.
"Oh, well I think I like it. Sure it looks a bit different but it adds something."
Luna smiled. "I was hoping you'd like it. Be sure not leave any trace of it," Luna said and shoved his head back down.
The Weasley family sat down to dinner with Hermione visiting once more.
Fred looked around the table. "Are we missing someone?"
George did a quick headcount. "No, everyone is present and accounted for with the exception of Harry."
"That must be it than. How's Harry doing?" Fred asked.
"Well, he seems much happier than I've ever seen him before while I was on duty today. Luna has worked wonders," Arthur reassured them.
Fabio looked around his room once more. He'd locked all the doors and windows, making sure no one else was there, but he still felt like someone was watching him.
Shivering the male model turned his head as he caught a hint of movement from the corner of his eye, but once again nothing was there.
"I'm just being paranoid," he assured himself, before he was tackled to the bed in a flash of red.