Disclaimer: Don't own KH or Organization XIII.
It's Mika-chan! This is my first KH crack fic. well, i gotta go shower so i can watch the new CSI. let the deadly tale begin!
In a normal Kingdom Hearts fanfic, there is usually a story about the young Keyblade Master and his struggle to find his lover, whoever he/she/it may be. Hey, Sora could be in love with Vivi for all we know. He would get into a fight with said lover and then there would be one big happy ending with the sun setting in the background.
This is not one of those stories.
This, for one, is a crack fic, and my second attempt to do so, might I add. And this is not about Sora, the love obsessed Keyblade Master. This is about the bad guys in the story. Organization XIII.
Organization XIII is a group of very flamboyant Nobodies who reside in the Castle That Never Was. The Castle resides in the world so poorly named The World That Never Was. Xemnas must have needed names. He probably doesn't have one ounce of creativity in that tiny brain of his. Back to the members…some have anger management issues, others have drug related issues, and some are just too clueless to notice anything. CoughDemyxcough And I, my lovely reader, will be attempting to write about their daily lives as well as I possibly can. It's going to be hard with Luxord getting stoned with Saix and Xaldin yelling at Larxene for taking his makeup.
What am I thinking?
If you haven't figured it out by now, this isn't going to be a romancy story, though there may be some pairings on the side. However, the story will not be based on said pairings. Having said this, this will not be an angst, supernatural or any other category Fanfiction offers us. This, my lovely reader, is a crack fic and will be doing my very best to describe every single bloody event of their lives. Well, if they had lives. If you don't want to read this, then go look for a story about teen romance and Axel running off to elope with Marluxia. Hey, it could happen.
Before I start this lovely tale of our favourite paranoid Nobodies, I will launch into intros, even though you should know who everyone is. If you're confusing Saix and Roxas or Larxene and Xaldin, you have serious issues, my friend.
Poor Roxas. It must be tough being the youngest in the group. And it must be even harder with Axel trying to drag him around the Castle That Never Was. Roxas is usually pulled in to stop arguments and the scapegoat for Vexen whenever an experiment has gone awry. His innocent look must have something to do with it.
Larxene is a sadist. No question about it. And I will drive my point home by mentioning that she once electrocuted Xigbar because he was talking too much. Need I say more? None of the guys really pay attention to her; they like making out with their fellow men way too much. Sometimes, Larxene will record them having sex in odd places just for the hell of it. Like Vexen's lab, for instance. Vexen's microscope was never the same again after Xigbar and Xemnas had sex on top of the lab table.
Marluxia is a plant nut. I mean, the guy attacks with flower petals! What more proof do you need? Anyway, Marluxia is crabby, often lashing out at Roxas for the slightest thing, and obsesses about his plants too much. The roof of the Castle That Never Was is filled with random flowers among Vexen's experiments. Marluxia has also filled the Graveyard That Never Was with some very odd flowers that look like roses crossbred with porcupines.
Luxord is one to talk to when you need drugs. He's tried everything, though he doesn't use everything on a regular basis. He does most of his drug dealing to Saix and sometimes Xigbar. Luxord always looses at strip poker, or poker of any kind, for that matter. Sometimes he can be seen in the Library That Never Was reading a porn magazine and smoking the occasional cigarette. Did I say occasional? I meant usual.
Demyx is an odd individual. More often than not, the Melodious Nocturne can be found in his room playing some song on his sitar, though it might not be recognizable. He hangs out with Axel and Roxas a lot and annoys Larxene to no end by setting up water clones in random places. Demyx does occasionally get drugs from Luxord, but doesn't really use them. Instead, he will give them to Xemnas, who gives them to the Heartless.
Axel…what to say about Axel? Axel is usually associated with music that one hears in strip clubs because he dances around the Castle. Frequently. He likes playing video games and it is advised not to disturb him when he is doing so. The rather large crack on the wall of the 5th floor caused by Marluxia is proof enough. Axel is always forcing Roxas to go on missions with him, though they aren't seen for hours and sometimes days after they were supposed to return. When this occurs, Axel and Roxas sneak back into their respective rooms and pretend that they were there the whole time. Needless to say that doesn't work very much. For reasons unexplained, Axel has the largest collection of yaoi known to mankind. He has a stash of his tasteful smut hidden under his bed in large boxes marked YAOI and has a hard time keeping other members from reading it. It is advised that you do not anger Axel unless you want to get burned to a crisp.
Saix is Luxord's number one drug customer. The guy is addicted to just about every drug in existence and even a few that Vexen made in his lab. That can't be good for you. Whenever the full moon is out, Saix goes crazy. Literally. When this occurs, it's not a bad idea to take refuge in Vexen's lab or Xigbar's shooting range until he's normal. Well, not Xigbar's range. A crazy Saix in a room full of guns is not a good idea. Saix is known for getting stoned at very early hours of the morning and usually remaining stoned for the rest of the day.
Zexion is just plain odd. He barricades himself in his room for hours on end, sometimes joined by Lexaeus. He has read all of the dictionaries in the Castle at least 6 times. No joke. Zexion doesn't tend to say much, but when he does, he goes on for a while. During a meeting, Zexion rambled on for so long even Xemnas fell asleep. That has to be bad. Zexion is also a grammar Nazi, and maybe a regular Nazi, though has yet to be proven. Back to the grammar Nazi…if anyone in the Organization uses bad grammar, Zexion is there instantaneously and gives them a lecture on how to fix their mistake. He does not correct Axel, though. Firstly because Axel has fairly good grammar to begin with. And secondly because after Zexion finished his lecture, Axel burnt him to a crisp.
Lexaeus tries to be the toughest guy around when he is in the presence of other Organization members, but when he is alone in his room, he will whip out his laptop and start playing Arthur computer games. Lexaeus had a traumatic experience involving Vexen, Larxene and a bowl of fruit. Since the incident that will remain unmentioned, Lexaeus hasn't been "all there". But when he starts running around the Castle, do NOT give him his weapon. Unless you have a death wish and want your head chopped off.
Vexen is old. Older than the solar system. Older than the mouldy cheese sitting in the back of the fridge. Older than Xigbar, even, and he's ancient. Vexen's old, ok? Do I really need to explain it? Vexen is the mad scientist, which explains a lot of the Organization's problems. Whenever an experiment fails, Vexen calls upon Axel to torch it. Though torching the refillable propane tank was not one of Vexen's better ideas. To make a long story short, the Castle That Never Was had to be rebuilt. Do I need to mention why? Vexen is just about as crabby as Marluxia and tends to obsess about his experiments, which range from making bunny slippers come to life to making pigs fly.
Xaldin is not someone you want to wake up from a nap. When this occurs, the Whirlwind Lancer will summon his 6 lances and try to stab his awakener in every inch of their body. He has a tendency to obsess over his hair, though no one can understand why. Xaldin will spend up to 5 hours in the bathroom styling his hair and comparing results, completely oblivious to the arguments from his fellow members. Xaldin probably watches the most anime in the Organization, though Roxas and Demyx aren't very far behind him.
Xigbar is not one to be around when annoyed. I'd steer clear of him too. Especially since the guy can skilfully use a gun. Sweet Shiva, no one wants a mad Xigbar. No one knows how Xigbar lost his eye, though the popular belief concocted by Demyx, Saix and Larxene involve a giant Neoshadow and pepper-spray. Axel believes that the Freelance Shooter injured himself while he was cleaning his gun. Possible, but probably didn't happen. Marluxia believes that a giant Fat Bandit spit fire in his eye and burned it out. What does Xigbar have to say about them? He has yet to comment.
And every evil organization must have a leader. Even if that leader doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together…
I wonder if Xemnas knows that his name is often challenged to man sex? He probably doesn't, or he wouldn't have chosen it. Hence my belief that he doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together. Xemnas probably doesn't know what he's doing, either. If he did, he'd know that Axel and Roxas regularly bang each other in the lower levels of the Castle That Never Was and that Larxene draws smiley faces on Zexion's dictionaries. Needless to say, Xemnas doesn't know jack shit.
Now for those of you who haven't died of boredom, epileptic seizures, brain aneurysms or committed suicide by means of hanging or overdose, I have the great pleasure to tell you that the story about the motley crue that is Organization XIII will be beginning shortly. Wow, that's a run-on sentence long enough to kill Luxord. Anyway, now that you have gotten this far, you will review, favourite and whatever else offers you in that tiny little box in the left hand corner of your screen. For those of you who are even remotely interested in this fanfiction, fear not! For I plan on updating this fairly soon. But Shiva knows how long that really is. Hell, I have other fanfictions to write too, ya know? But this interests me greatly, so I will make sure to update sometime this month. So grab your sitar and your chakram, because the good stuff is soon to come!
it's long, i know. But is it random enough? review?
next chapter: Vexen's experiment and Demyx is stoned...again