Disclaimer: I only own Florence. That's really disturbing to say...
Zephyr here! It's been a long time, huh? And it's sure to be a longer time, since I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to college for my senior year. I've been wanting to write this chapter for a while and I'm glad I finally finished it. For the record, there's a reference to YGOTAS in here. It shouldn't be that hard to find. :) Let the deadly tale continue!
While Xemnas scrambled to find funding for the Organization, Roxas was having an amusing time listening to Vocaloid. He was listening to Happy Synthesizer and dancing around the room when Axel walked in, holding his PSP in his hand.
"What do you want, Axel?" Roxas asked warily, though he did not stop dancing.
"We've got trouble." Axel said slowly.
"What, has Xigbar tied Zexion up in the closet again?" Roxas frowned as he ceased dancing.
"Bigger." Axel flopped down on Roxas' bed.
"Demyx thinks that Xemnas is a Sith Lord?"
"Zexion finally snapped and is slaughtering everyone in the castle?"
"Not quite that bad yet."
"Saïx got high and is running naked across the front lawn?"
"Kinda on the same level." Axel said.
"Lexaeus is trying to throw Xion off the Roof."
"That's not it."
"Xigbar's made the tampon gun and is shooting tampons at people again?"
"Not this time."
"Marluxia's on a planting frenzy and is replacing all of the lamps with lilac bushes?"
"He was, but Saïx stopped him."
"Luxord's switched all of the lemonade in the castle with rum?" Roxas asked.
"Lexaeus wants to marry a goat." Axel sighed.
Roxas stared at Axel in disbelief. Sure, Lexaeus was insane, but he didn't know that it was that bad.
"Is he drunk?" Roxas asked. "Or stoned?"
"Completely sober." Axel shook his head.
"Are you sure?" Roxas arched his eyebrows. "I know Luxord's just gotten some new drugs. He could have slipped something into Lexaeus' morning cereal."
"I'm positive he's as sober as you and I." Axel assured him. "Sane? Maybe not."
"I would say not, seeing as he wants to marry a goat." Roxas said.
"Good point." Axel nodded.
"What the hell is wrong with him?" Roxas sighed.
"It's Lexaeus, Roxas." Axel shrugged. "We really don't need to ask, do we?"
"Lex, I'm sure that we can find some sort of solution to this."
Roxas and Axel walked into the kitchen and found Xigbar trying to talk some sense into Lexaeus, who was holding a lamb close to his chest.
The Silent Hero was clearly ignoring everything that Xigbar was saying, despite the best attempts from the Free Shooter.
"Having any luck there, Xigbar?" Roxas asked. "And that's not a goat, Axel."
"He told me that he wanted to marry a goat." Axel squinted at Lexaeus, as if this would somehow help him understand the current problem. "What are you doing with the lamb, Lexaeus?"
"I'm going to marry him." Lexaues nodded.
"Lex, you can't marry a sheep." Xigbar said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "And it's a female sheep, not a male one."
"Is that seriously what you're concerned about right now?" Roxas arched an eyebrow at Xigbar.
"But if I can't have Zexion, who am I meant to be with?" Lexaeus demanded, pulling the lamb closer to his chest.
"Certainly not a sheep, that's for sure." Axel retorted.
"Where the fuck did you even get a sheep in the first place, Lexaeus?" Xigbar wanted to know.
"I was on a mission in the Timeless River and I brought him back." Lexaeus said. "His name is Florence."
"Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else." Roxas rolled his eyes.
"I've already told you that the sheep is a girl, Lex." Xigbar told him.
"How about Maria?" Axel suggested as he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a can of beer.
"He's not keeping the sheep, Axel." Xigbar told the redhead.
"But how can I marry him if I can't keep him?" Lexaeus wondered.
"That's the point, Lexaeus." Roxas said. "You're not marrying the sheep."
"Yes, I am!" Lexaeus proclaimed.
"This is going to take a while." Xigbar sighed.
"I'm telling you that he's got to come back."
"What? No way! York's dead, remember?"
"York, Maine and the Dakotas are gone."
"Don't forget about Utah and Connecticut."
"Oh, and Wyoming, too."
"But we all thought Carolina was dead, but now she's back to life!"
To an untrained ear, this would no doubt sound like a weird form of Hetalia where all of the states in America are personified, but this conversation makes perfect sense to fans of Red Vs Blue. Saïx, Marluxia and Zexion were discussing the popular web-show in the Lounge That Never Was Part XIV, though Zexion was trying to read a copy of The Effects of Mercury Poisoning In Peacocks.
"Why exactly do you want York to come back, Marluxia?" Saïx asked, flipping his hair over his shoulder.
"Because York has to end up with Carolina." Marulxia insisted.
"And why's that?" Zexion turned a page of his book.
"Because they're obviously meant to end up together." Marluxia explained.
"You sound like such a hopeless romantic, you know." Saïx said. "Save that for when we have hearts to feel with."
"You're so cold, Saïx." Marluxia said.
"There's really no indication that Carolina was interested in York to begin with." Zexion said, continuing with the conversation. "Not that there was really any indication from him, for that matter."
"When Tex shot him during the training session, Carolina went straight to York and completely ignored Maine and Wyoming." Marluxia said. "And you remember the way they were talking to each other when York snuck out of the hospital when he got shot in the eye?"
"That doesn't necessarily mean anything." Saïx pointed out. "They were just trying to be secretive so the Director didn't hear what they were talking about."
"That's normally what it means to be secretive, yes." Zexion said, eyes on the book in front of him.
"Well, I still believe that this is a pointless conversation." Saïx said.
"Why don't you just go write some fanfiction about it, Marluxia?" Zexion suggested. "That's what Xion and Roxas do when they're upset about how a series turns out."
"Who'd want to read it, though?" Marluxia sighed.
"I'm sure Demyx could somehow make sense of it." Saïx said. "His mind is so messed up he can probably understand anything as long as there's no sense to it."
"Yeah, that sounds like Demyx." Zexion shook his head.
"I'm telling you, Superior, there's something wrong with number V."
Vexen stood before Xemnas in the ridiculously large Round Room, though Xemnas was probably literally miles above Vexen. The Chilly Academic had arranged for a meeting with the Superior to go over any budgets going towards his science projects (he was currently attempting to create the USS Enterprise from Star Trek: The Original Series) and decided he would mention the rather unusual behaviour of the Silent Hero.
"What do you mean, Vexen?" Xemnas asked in a manner that clearly suggested that he was trying to mimic the speech patterns of Oscar Wilde.
"Well, for one thing, Marluxia and Xion told me that he was trying to sky-dive from the living room." Vexen began.
"Xaldin's done that and no one's accused him of being odd." Xemnas said.
"Xigbar and Roxas said that he was trying to marry a goat." Vexen continued.
Xemnas stared at Vexen for a moment before saying, "Male or female?"
"Why is that everyone's first question?" Vexen questioned.
"Just a simple question." Xemnas shrugged.
"Well?" Vexen asked with just a hint of agitation in his voice. "Aren't you going to do something about it?"
"I guess I should." Xemnas sighed. "But there's meant to be an evil golf tournament in the Enchanted Dominion this weekend…"
"Superior, you are terrible at golf." Vexen said. "The tournament would only end in disaster."
"Not if I win!" Xemnas proclaimed happily.
Vexen smacked the palm of his hand to his forehead and said, "Just deal with Lexaeus, will you?"
"Maybe I should have Marluxia do something with him…" Xemnas mused. "He's been loafing around the castle lately…"
"But Axel and Roxas are already working with him, Superior." Vexen pointed out.
"Well, I'll just leave it to them, then." Xemnas said. "Now if you'll excuse me, Vexen, I need to go practice some golf before I leave."
And with that, Xemnas was surrounded by the portal of sandy blackness and vanished, leaving behind a rather confused Vexen.
It was rather odd to hear music from Broadway musicals in the halls of the Castle That Never Was, but it made sense when Marluxia was walking down the hallway. The Graceful Assassin was on a mission to hunt down Luxord and interrogate him about the missing vodka and whiskey and he wasn't going to let anyone stop him. He was singing one of his favourite songs from Avenue Q when his singing was interrupted by another song.
"I never thought that you would be the one acting like a slut when I was gone…"
Marluxia stopped in the middle of the hallway, his head spinning in different directions to determine where the pop song was coming from. The only Nobodies he knew that listened to pop music were Larxene and occasionally Xion. The only problem was that Larxene was watching Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and Xion was on a mission in the Enchanted Dominion, so there was no reason why Kesha was playing in the Castle That Never Was.
"I wonder what's going on." Marluxia mused.
Deciding that it was probably Axel listening to the radio again, Marluxia continued on his quest for the undoubtedly drunken Luxord. When Marluxia was almost to the Kitchen, he realized that the voice singing the song belonged to Saïx, which was very strange indeed.
"Why the fuck is Saïx singing?" Marluxia rolled his eyes and walked into the Kitchen.
He got quite an interesting sight when he walked into the room. Saïx was standing on top of a purple and yellow stripped foldout card table and dancing quite provocatively on top of the table. This behaviour wouldn't be odd for Luxord, but Marulxia had to wonder why Saïx was acting so strangely.
"What's going on, Saïx?" Marluxia asked.
Saïx had apparently not heard Marluxia come into the room. He turned around and stared at the Graceful Assassin in confusion before he regained his composure and jumped off the card table and onto the ground.
"I was dancing." Saïx tried to come off as being nonchalant.
"And why were you dancing?" Marluxia wanted to know.
Vexen walked into the Kitchen carrying what appeared to be a dead shark floating in a jar of some strangely-coloured liquid. He plunked the jar down like it was nothing out of the ordinary and retreated into the pantry.
"Um, Vexen?" Even though he was the Chilly Academic's boyfriend, Marluxia had to say that he was a little disturbed by this. "What exactly is that?"
"It's a watermelon that I fused onto the head of a giraffe." The sarcasm was obvious in Vexen's voice from deep within the pantry.
"Seriously?" Saïx didn't catch the sarcasm.
"No, it's a shark, you nimrod." Vexen said as he emerged from the pantry with a bag of sour cream and onion-flavoured chips in hand and made for the fridge.
"Well, why do you have a shark in a jar?" Saïx asked.
"It's an experiment." Marluxia and Vexen said at the same time.
Saïx glanced towards Marluxia and said, "How do you know it's an experiment if you didn't know what it was?"
"You just sort of assume these things with Vexen." Marluxia shrugged.
"Don't let me interrupt your conversation." Vexen emerged from the fridge with a bag of carrot-chips.
"Oh?" Saïx arched an eyebrow, yellow eyes on Vexen.
"Carry on." Vexen set his food on a pink card-table and plopped down in a chair before he started munching on carrot-chips. "Far be it from me to interrupt you."
Saïx and Marluxia stared at Vexen in equal confusion, but resumed their conversation.
"So why were you dancing?" Marluxia asked the Luna Diviner.
"You were dancing?" Vexen asked through a mouthful of carrot-chips.
"Yes, he was." Marluxia said.
"Dancing to what?" Vexen wanted to know.
"Does it really matter?" Saïx asked.
"Was it Axel's music?" Vexen asked. "As long as it wasn't Blutengel or Nachtmahr, it's fine."
"Why would I listen to Axel's music?" Saïx arched an eyebrow.
"Who the hell knows with you?" Marluxia shrugged.
"No, I was listening to Kesha." Saïx told the scientist.
"Interesting…" Vexen said, sounding very much like a psychologist.
"Don't psycho-analyze me, Vexen." Saïx sighed and turned to Marluxia. "How in hell do you deal with him?"
"I wish I knew." Marluxia shrugged.
"So does it matter that Saïx was dancing?" Vexen asked the pink-haired neophyte.
"Not really." Marluxia shook his head. "I just found it odd."
"So then what was the interrogation about?" Saïx demanded.
"It wasn't an interrogation!" Marluxia exclaimed.
Vexen knew all too well where this was going. He picked up the chips (both potato and carrot) and walked out of the room. If Marluxia was denying whatever Saïx was saying, the end result wouldn't be pretty.
"Superior, something's wrong."
Xemnas looked up from the book he was reading (Five-thousand Ways To Destroy Your Home) and saw Xigbar standing in front of him. The Free Shooter's good eye was on Xemnas and he had a serious expression on face, so Xemnas knew that something was wrong.
"What's happened this time?" Xemnas asked. "Has Xaldin opened that accursed hair salon again?"
"Lex wants to marry a sheep." Xigbar told him.
"Yeah, that's the second time I've heard that…" Xemnas mused. "And if you're telling me that, then I think something should probably done."
"And what are you going to do about it?" Xigbar asked.
"I'll talk to him." Xemnas responded.
"Good!" Xigbar exclaimed.
"Right after I finish this book." Xemnas returned to his book.
"No, you're going to go right now." Xemnas' eyes were on Xigbar, so the latter quickly responded with. "Superior."
"But I want to finish this book!" Xemnas whined.
"You may finish the book when Lexaeus is not having a mental crisis." Xigbar said.
"What have Roxas and Axel done with him?" Xemnas sighed with exasperation. "I know they were working on him."
"All they've done is manage to get him trapped on the roof." Xigbar said. "They had to get Demyx to make that water elevator thing that he does to get him down."
"I still want to know how he makes those…" Xemnas thought.
"Don't you think you should be worrying more about how to fix Lex and less about Demyx's water elevators?" Things had to be bad if Xigbar was the voice of reason.
"But my idea sounds more fun." Xemnas said.
"Okay, fine. Whatever." Xigbar threw up his arms and stomped away from the Superior. "Just don't come crying to me when Lexaeus wants you to marry the two of them."
"Lexaeus, we've got to talk, buddy."
Axel and Roxas had given up trying to talk to the Silent Hero by themselves, so they enlisted the help of Saïx and Demyx. I don't know why they'd bother bringing Demyx. It's not like he's a lot of help. At any rate, the four Nobodies found Lexaeus sleeping with the sheep in his room. Saïx found it odd that the sheep was on the bed, but considering how strange Lexaeus was being at the moment, this was nothing unusual.
"What if I don't want to talk?" Lexaeus pulled the lamb closer to his chest. "I want to talk to Florence alone."
"It's not like he's ever going to answer, Lex." Axel shrugged.
"Did we ever figure out if the sheep was female or not?" Demyx asked.
"It's a girl, Demyx." Roxas told him, not taking his eyes off of his DS.
"What are you playing this time?" Demyx asked.
"The World Ends With You." Roxas said.
"Again?" Demyx arched an eyebrow.
"Lexaeus, you need to get rid of this sheep." Saïx said, ignoring XIII and IX.
"But…" Lexaeus said slowly. "But I love him!"
"Zexion cannot be replaced with a sheep, Lex." Axel said. "It doesn't work that way."
"Hey, remember Roxas' cat?" Demyx asked suddenly.
"Rukia?" Roxas frowned. "What about her?"
"She's not going to be with Florence!" Lexaeus screamed.
Axel pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "No, I don't think that's it."
"Why don't we send the sheep wherever Rukia went?" Demyx asked.
"To Wonderland?" Saïx frowned. "That sounds like a good idea."
"Can I go live with him there?" Lexaeus asked hopefully.
"Lex, Florence is a sheep." Roxas told him. "You can't go and live with sheep."
"Yes, I can!" Lexaeus cried. "There was a movie about a baby who went and lived with gorillas!"
"This isn't Tarzan, Lexaeus." Saïx sighed. "You will stay here with the rest of the Organization and…"
"Florence." Lexaeus told the Luna Diviner.
"Florence…" Saïx said in a rather pained voice. "..will go live with Rukia in Wonderland."
"No!" Lexaeus started screaming as Saïx tried to take hold of the lamb. "You're not taking him!"
"Axel, can't you do something about him?" Saïx looked over to the Flurry of Dancing Flames. "Or Demyx. Demyx, can you use your water clones to restrain him?"
"It doesn't exactly work like that, Saïx." Demyx explained.
"Lex, you can go visit Florence whenever you want." Axel told the sobbing Nobody who was clinging to Saïx's leg like a Chihuahua. "Roxas always goes to visit Rukia after his missions."
"I never said that you couldn't visit him." Saïx said. "He just can't be in the Castle."
"Xaldin's been trying to eat him for quite some time." Demyx murmered to Axel.
"And Larxene has been trying to torture him, too." Axel responded.
"Them its settled." Saïx nodded. "We'll take the sheep to Wonderland."
Even though Saïx told Lexaeus he was allowed to visit his precious Florence, this did not stop the latter from wailing quite loudly when Xemnas packed the sheep into a crate so that he could be more easily transported. He kept crying throughout the night, only to be stopped at four in the morning when Larxene stormed into his room and somehow managed to throw him against the wall, rendering him unconscious.
Yeah, I don't really like the ending, but I had to stop it somewhere. I know this is pretty bad, but I'm going to try to make the next one a bit better. Sorry about the bad spacing. I tried the copy and paste thing, but I don't think it turned out that well. Review, please?
Next chapter: This is why Xemnas shouldn't be allowed to listen to music.