Author's Note: Hope the update didn't take too long. That's all I got to say. Enjoy.
Chapter 5: The Lemons
"Oh-ho-ho-ho! No! She lost her baby, so she stole mine! That bitch is gonna get it!" Flames were sprouting from her head.
"Sasuke! Control your pretend-wife!" begged Naruto, preparing to run.
Knock knock knock.
"Hey... Shikamaru?" Grumble, grumble.
Knock knock knock.
"Mmm... Shikamaru." The door slowly opened and a big, round shadow slid onto the floor, the sillouhette of Chouji Akimichi. Chouji closed the door behind him and wandered into the livingroom.
"Shikamaru I need help on this stupid essay. I just don't get it. It's been bothering me so much I haven't even had time to eat... " An earth-shaking rumble sounded from his middle, whole-heartedly agreeing with the statement. He stopped once he saw Shikamaru, dozing fitfully on the couch. "You're no help." He went to sit down with his friends when he happened to see...
A plastic baby.
"Oh?" He stared down the thing for a few seconds before deiciding not to move it, and took a seat on the opposite couch. He rummaged through his coat and retrieved a pen and crumpled piece of paper.
"Let's see... I might as well start until he wakes up. What should I write...
Before deciding to engage in any sexual act, one must realize what's a steak
"Um, wait... I think I spelled... spelled that wrong."
-one must realize what's at stake. They could potentially get a BBQ
A large drop of drool splattered on the paper. "No! Not BBQ... STD. STD...So hungry..."
So, while many guys see a hot dog and wanna be with her, they have think how many partners she's had be-
"Hot chick! UGH! I'm too hungry to do this! And I can't do it with that baby looking at me like that!" He stole a look at the seemingly innocent doll.
He fidgeted. "And what are you looking at you..." The more Chouji seemed to stare, the more the baby began to look less like a baby and more like a nice, juicy ham. "Is that a... ?" He drew closer, salivating.
"It makes more sense Shika would fall asleep with a nice ol' ham by his side, doesn't it? I'm ... so hungry..."
A few minutes later, Shikamaru roused from his sleep. He slowly came to his senses and yawned. And then he saw...
"Chouji, what are you doing here? What, you just helped yourself to the fridge again, didn't you?" He rubbed his eyes and blinked at his friends, who was savagely chewing at what looked like a chicken wing, or something.
In fact, the more Shikamaru looked at it the more it seemed like a baby's arm, and less like a chicken wing. He happened to glance to his left and see the baby sitting besides him, exactly as he left it.
Heh, that's funny, Shikamaru thought as he picked it up. I thought for a minute that-
The baby was missing an arm.
Jiraiya was pleased to announce, 9 am that morning, that class was back in session. The last few stragglers came in a few minutes late, and eventually everyone was in their assigned seats. Except for, the sage noticed, that quiet girl Hinata.
"GOOD MORNING!" He boomed unnecessarily, because it wasn't as if anyone was talking. Still, the volume of his voice shocked a few of the little pests into sitting upright. "I hope you all brought your babies!" He scanned the room for the plastic dolls; some looked a little worse for the wear.
"Since it was your first assignment, I'll be checking their condition on a daily basis. Starting today! So when I call you up, bring the thing." He took a scroll from his pocket.
"Sakura, Sasuke! Please bring your kid up here." He waited for several seconds before realizing neither of them had moved. "What are you waiting for?"
Sakura was gripping the sides of her desk with suppressed fury, while Sasuke sat calmly with his hands folded.
"We don't have it," he said shortly. He could practically feel the anger radiating off of Sakura next to him, and Naruto was shrinking in his seat.
"... What?" asked Jiraiya. Sakura, unable to contain herself any longer, jumped to her feet.
"HINAT-" A hand firmly gripped her arm and yanked her back down, interrupting her speech. She glared at Sasuke, who had stopped her, and he shook his head slightly.
"I wasn't aware it was to be brought to... class." Everyone looked at him.
Jiraiya was puzzled. "I thought I made that clear... Ah, I forget how stupid kids are these days. I can tell you now, though, dear Uchiha and wife; leaving your baby by itself at home? Tsk, tsk. Does everyone else have their baby?"
A small fist raised itself in the air.
"U-Um, well, Hinata is sick today..."
A violent bout of coughing erupted from the corner and a certain pink haired kunoichi said, "Missing in action!"
Action?Jiriaya thought and grinned, rubbing his hands together.
"-And she still has the baby!" Naruto finished loudly. "So I'll show it to you tommorow!"
"COUGH, COUGH, BABY-STEALER, COUGHCOUGHCOUGH!" Naruto flinched.
"Ah well. Next: Neji and Tenten," Jiraiya called in a sing-song voice. Tenten sidled down the rows, carrying her perfect-condition baby. She handed it to Jiraiya, who examined it for bruises, scrapes, etc.
"So far, so good!" He announced. "Next: Ino and Kiba."
Ino turned a sickly shade of green, and looked behind her shoulders at a certian spiky-haired boy.
Shikamaru froze when her eyes caught his. Those piercing blue-ish eyes promised sure castration in days to come. He would have to avoid Ino from now on, as if his manhood depended on it. Ino elbowed Kiba in the ribs.
Shamefully, the boy stood and handed his baby to Jiraiya, who blinked twice at the mutated thing.
"It's missing an arm," the man was kind enough to point out.
An awkward pause ensued.
"Alright, um, you can go back to your seat." He took the walk of shame back, avoiding the accusing glares, and hearing the furious scribbling pen that Jiraiya was putting to use on his scroll. Just then, In the outside hall, a pretty new chunin passed by the door.
"I'm gonna go use the bathroom. When I come back I'm collecting essays," Jiraiya said hastily and bolted out the door. Upon his departure a chorus of chattering broke out.
Sakura was furious as she addressed Sasuke. "Why did you stop me from telling him Hinata stole our baby?"
"There's no need to attract any unwanted attention to our problem before we can solve it," he said simply. Sakura snorted, betting her left hand that Naruto had somehow bribed Sasuke into not telling. She shifted her glare to Naruto, who was carefully avoiding her eye. "You! Come here."
Naruto whirled around with exaggerated surprise etched in his features. "Me?" he said, pointing to himself. Sakura jabbed her thumb towards herself, and Naruto scampered to her.
"You better get Sasuke Jr. back! This is ALL your fault! If you didn't lose yours in the first place..."
"SHIKAMARU! YOU ARE DEAD!" A high pitched voice screeched from below them, and they saw some scary blond girl move through the rows like a tidal wave. "IT'S YOUR FAULT MY BABY IS DEMENTED! You should have watched him!" Shikamaru screwed his eyes shut, waiting for the impact.
"Maybe you should have watched it yourself in the first place, you troublesome hag!" He said before he could stop himself. This comment further fueled the rage of the furious girl.
"Yeah, instead of fooling around with Kiba at your house!" Sakura snapped, irritated that her rampage on Naruto had been outdone by Ino's own boisterous act. Kiba slid around in his seat with daggers in his eyes.
"Exactly what do you mean, 'fooling around'?" He asked testily.
"Oh, please. I was there when Naruto walked in on you guys, and ran out screaming!" Sakura said, crossing her arms and shooting Ino a triumphant look. However, the blond girl had question marks dancing in her eyes.
"What do you mean..? Me and Kiba were watching the Discovery Channel when Naruto burst in, and he stepped on one of my pin cushions I left on the floor. He slipped backward and ran out, yelling in pain. Why, Sakura? Tell us what you thought we were doing!"
Sakura was gaping at Naruto, who shrugged.
"It's true?" he said. There was a sharp 'thud' and Sakura banged her head onto the table, and stayed there.
"Control your neurotic wife!" Kiba told Sasuke, who edged away from the pinkette, promptly disowning her.
"Hey, Naruto... what happened to your baby, anyway?" Sakura asked dismally, analyzing the blond boy who was twiddling his fingers in a fashion much like Hinata's.
"U-U-Um I r-rather not s-say..."
At that moment, Jiriaya conveniently decided to pop in.
"I'm back! Now, where were we-"
Sakura pointed a slender finger at the man, who ceased speech.
"What is it now, Sakura?" he asked unenthusiastically.
"Jiraiya-Sensei there's something on your face." Jiraiya touched a hand to one of his cheeks.
"A handprint," Ino pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever! As I was saying, those who did not participate in the parenting assignment, please hand foward your essays." Suddenly his cheeks glowed red and he appeared to be excited.
"Perfect, perfect, perfect," he muttered as he snatched the stack of papers from Ino's hands. "Now, we're going to read some out loud."
"What?" groaned Shikamaru, burying his head in his hands. Jiraiya waved his hands in front of him.
"No, no, not the whole thing. Just your feeble, inadequate-yet-assuredly-revisable attempts at lemon." He cleared his throat and shuffled the essays. "Here's one that looks promising. It's by Lee."
The class groaned collectively, and Lee threw his fist in the air.
"Alright! I spent so much time on my lemon, illustrating the perfect scenario of the process that inhibits reproduction!" He gave everyone a thumbs up.
Jiriaya rubbed his hands together and began to read out loud. "Great! Now let's se...
'Deflowered, by Rock Lee.
". . . . . . ."
Rock Lee started sobbing, tears streaming from his eyes, touched by his beautiful masterpiece.
"What was this...?" he asked. "I... asked for lemon."
That didn't sound like a sour, yellow fruit to me,
That didn't sound like a sour, yellow fruit to me,thought Naruto, puzzled.
"Yes! You asked for lemon, a story containing sexual content. In my story, a bumble bee bravely pollinates an asexual flower by spreading it's pollen to-"
"DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP THESE CHILDREN!" Jiraiya cried hysterically. "Get out-just get out!"
"Were you that moved by my lemon?" asked Lee, still crying tears of joy. He stood up, and calmly walked to the door. "I am going to go inform Gai-Sensei about this splendid victory!" They watched as he skipped out the door.
Jiraiya wiped his forehead and shuffled the papers again. "Come on, I need a winner. Chouji this time. Alright, here we go...
Delicious, by Chouji. He looked at the beautiful creature and licked his lips. She was glazed and sweating, her skin looking perfectly delicious. He snatched her fat, slippery flesh and put it in his mouth, devoured it. It was the best ham he ever had in his life, and whoever cooked was a jenius-"
Delicious, by Chouji.
He looked at the beautiful creature and licked his lips. She was glazed and sweating, her skin looking perfectly delicious. He snatched her fat, slippery flesh and put it in his mouth, devoured it. It was the best ham he ever had in his life, and whoever cooked was a jenius-"
There was the sound of someone vomiting in the back of the class, and Chouji was salivating all over his desk.
"Uh, Tenten, are you alright?" asked Jiraiya. "Honey, he's only talking about a ham. The food! What the hell is this? Don't you know what lemon is?"
"Yeah!" burst out Naruto. "What's wrong with you guys! I could could tell a better lemon off the top of my head!"
"Oh yeah, then why don't you do that!" shouted an enraged Chouji.
"I will." Silence met his words, and Naruto stood up and cleared his throat. His two teammates beside him looked up at him in wonder, and then edged away in embarrassment.
"Here's my lemon!" He proclaimed, and rubbed his chin. "Um... It was juicy, very juicy! And yellow. When the girl bit into it, her whole face twisted 'cause it was really sour-"
"YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A LEMON," Jiraiya screeched. "It's not that kind of lemon, not the fruit!"
"Then what is everyone trying to write about!?" Naruto shouted back, confused.
"I can't stand you kids! Class is dismissed for today! Just get out!" There were some murmurs and whispers, but no one really looked disappointed at the sudden dismissal. Sakura was the first one out the door, and she even forgot to drag Sasuke along with her. Because... She had a baby to go rescue, and a Hyuga to go kick.
I was sweating from a hard day of work... Then I saw you. You looked so delicate and beautiful, I just had to meet you. I could smell your lovely fragrance from where I hovered uncertainly, that sensual lavender smell. Unable to contain myself, I went over to you. You didn't move, just stood there basking in the sun. I couldn't help it, I flew over and landed on top of you! I drank your delicious juices and spread pollun all over your petals. Just like that, I flew away, in search of another. I knew now you were pollunated, and would scatter your seeds that would grow into other flowers, just as beautiful as the one they came from. I was just nature's hardest worker, the bumble bee, doing what I did best."