A/N: Lol, I was frustrated and there was supposed to be this long rant in the Author's Notes about me letting you guys down... But I didn't want to spoil the mood of the story. XD I feel okay now anyway. But seriously, if it doesn't meet your expectations, I'm sorry. I'm really exhausted from this flu I have.

Enjoy Chp. 8, you guys! I love you all 8D

Vanya nickname derived from Ivan.

Why do you need to know this?

You need to know.



The Espada's Guide to Parenting

Chapter Eight

Making Friends



I was finding my fucking inner goddamn peace when it Happened.

Let's start from the beginning. Now, there was no way a guy wouldn't be overwhelemed when he finds out that he's a Mom to some fucking Arrancar Kid (those things exist?) and in the same day the Arch-Rival gets to be the Dad. Now, if that's not an insult to a guy's ego and balls, I don't know what is.

And in the same week, you find you that you're gonna get married off to said Arch-Rival.

Probably at this stage your noodle's gonna say 'What the fuck MC FUCKIT' and kick the fucking bucket, but because I have nerves of steel, it just means foaming in the mouth and blacking out.

(For the record, it never happened.)

(And to those smartasses who wants to say that it really did happen and you can find it in Chapter Five, be ready to meet my Fist. It will beat your Ass.)

So I was finding my inner peace.


The book said to concentrate. So I really did. I'm concentrating in sitting right with the whole hand poses and the shitty mantra you have to repeat every two seconds. I'm concentrating to ignore the two other occupants of the room which are ironically enough my beloved Spouse and the Spawn From The Lost Eighth Level of Hell. I'm concentrating to ignore their conversation because apparently Ulqui had a spazzfest earlier about the kid's education.

(I'm not going to bitch about it because there were too many big words but to put it in a nutshell, Ulqui just had a spazzfest. End.)


So I'm just ignoring the bunch until I can get my nerves back online. Parenting can really be such a bitch on the head.


"Daddy, what's Mommy doing?"

There was a pause. Huh, funny. Ulqui never really pauses.

"That blue-haired buffon of your mother is trying to meditate, though he's not really making the effort." The man snorted. "Quite ungraceful. You can't just relate meditating to one such a Grimmjow Jaggarjak."

Okay, um, that was low. What the fuck? Is he still sore about the jeweler's son earlier yesterday? Or was it the teasing? He's already got me in the head with his fucking shoe, and even that was uncalled for. I mean, you can't just keep calling the kid Helios, there's gotta be some times when you slip. Just that this time he slipped in front of Aizen.

I mean Dad.

But still.


Must resist urge to retort.

Must resist.

Must fucking resist it for the love of -

Fuck it.

"That's a lie and you know it, Ulqui; I can be as graceful as however the fuck I wanna be. One of the perks being a cat," I snapped out, opening one eye. It totally threw me when Hel started giggling and Ulqui had this sort of almost smile on his face. "Uh, missing out on something, here?"

"I told Helios that I could make you lose your concentration."

"And you did! Mommy, you're really funny."

I just rolled my eyes. "Yeah, real funny guys. Now shut it, I need to concentrate here."

"You can just keep quiet and repeat the mantra in your head," Ulquiorra said idly, because he was so fucking high and mighty, "But then for a beginner like you, the 'Aum' is a good start. Though it makes you look like a goldfish."

I glared.

"An angry goldfish...?" Ulqui tried, and I gave him the Motherfuckin' Glare of all Glares. "Furious Goldfish, then."

"It sounds like a superhero," Hel said wisely, and both of us choked on our own spit. Then the loudspeaker went on.

"Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, please meet up in my office. Hurry up, you two lovebirds!"

Ulqui and I just stared blankly at the speaker.

"Bring your lovely son, too! From your loving Dad."

I will not kill him for just announcing that to the whole fucking world. I will not kill him for just announcing that to the whole fucking world.

I will not. I will not.

"I feel the slight urge to murder someone," Ulquiorra said airily, while Hel just beamed like the fucking goddamned sun.


My brain kicked the bucket and it went black. Again.

Of course, later I'm not gonna admit that it happened.


Then when I arrived at the office, I realized two things.

One, there was no way I can just kill Aizen. He's still the most powerful goddamned shitass bastard to have ever lived in this dimension and the next.

And two, I had the Feeling.

You know that sudden foreboding feeling that you just know that if you go through that door or if you do something or whatever, its gonna come back up and just bite you in the balls. Usually, for anyone else, they'd be running for the exit as fast as they can (because like seriously who needs bruised unmentionables?). But I have two things working against me to achieve that goal.

One, I'm dealing with a mass-psychopathic murderer here. Running out won't just solve the problem; it'll blow it out of proportion.

Two, I'm a Stupid DumbFuck TM with a large ego and a massive 'Don't Say Die' attitude.

With these things mixed in together, you can safely say there was nothing to save me from my impending Doom.

"Ah, Grimmjow! Ulquiorra! How are you!" Aizen asked with a flourish, going through his wedding plans on the table. Gin wasn't too far behind, and - wait a minute what the fuck is Szayel and Stark doing here?

Wait, Szayel was beaming like shit. Shit. Must protect Hel. Funnily enough, he doesn't seem to be moving. It's like... He's happy for no reason.

Oooookay... I'm freaked out.

And Stark's - Fuck. He doesn't look sleepy!? WHAT THE FUCK.


But whatever. I just kept glaring at Aizen for good measure. Ulquiorra just gave a cold face of dispassionate Ulquiorra Disapproval, which seemed to bounce off Aizen like jelly.

That guy was just... Un-affect-able. What the shit. Most Arrancars I know would wilt under the force of that look. (I'm not one of them.) Huh.

"Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, you're in luck! It seems that this phenomena of having children appearing out of nowhere seems to be affecting the community. I think it has something to do with the war. Of course with casualties from either side, it's only natural that we'd want to repopulate... And the children might be forming from the immense amounts of spirit particles floating around because of the war. It's just a theory, though. But the children seem to have a mind of their own in selecting their own parents. I heard its even happening to Shinigamis in Seireitei. At least, that's what Ukitake told me. Ichigo has a daughter with that Renji fellow, I believe."

Um, to clear up confusion, after the war, basically the captains and the commanders and stuff became drinking buddies. It applied to Stark and that Kyoraku dude. Kinda weird, but whatever.

Well, I got lost after the 'seems to be affecting the community' part. It doesn't matter if other people were getting it, because it doesn't change the fact that I'm still stuck getting married to Ulquiorra.

"So, uh, where is this going, exactly?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow because I'm pro like that.

"You're not the only one! That means Hel will have friends and he'll grow up in a community with the same children as him!" Aizen declared merrily. "Who knows, when they grow up Hel will eventually have a spouse as well and I'll have great-grandchildren. An interesting prospect, really."

My mind went Boom. I'm sure Ulquiorra was doing the same thing.

"I'm, sorry, but did you say Hel will get married off as well when he grows up?" Ulquiorra asked haltingly, eye obviously twitching as he plotted a silent, silent death. I was thinking of the same thing.

Both of us clutched Hel's hand tighter. He simply looked around for another kid. "There's another one too? Where? Where!"


"Yes, Grimmjow?"

"We need to talk."

"Agreed," he said, and Aizen clapped, beaming.

"You two are really getting along well! All according to plan - I mean, yes, very good."



"So the reason why Stark and Szayel are in here is because -" I asked, cutting myself off because I felt traumatized.

"Of course! Szayel, where's your darling son?"

Okay, Szayel, I know your teeth are so fucking shiny, but you don't need to show them at me over and over again. He sidestepped, and there was a kid. No surprise. He was half a head taller than Hel, and then it struck me how short Hel actually was. He was slouching - no surprise there. He had messy, wavy hair parted to the side, that was black (at least it wasn't a weird shade like Szayel's girly pink) and -

Wait, I said it too soon.

Pink eyes.

"Meet Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov!" Szayel announced proudly, hugging his kid to an inch of his life. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow at Stark.

"I'll hazard a guess it was Szayel who did the naming?"

"Can't go against that," he said idly, but he did smile when Szayel beamed at him.

"So who's the mom? Stark?" I asked sarcastically, cocking an eyebrow.

"No, it's Szayel. You don't honestly expect me to be the mother, do you?" Stark asked, synonymous with the tone 'You are Stupid', but that wasn't what made me sputter.

"Wait, what the fuck! Is my kid the only one whose Mommy/Daddy recognizing skills are warped beyond belief!"

"I told you, I am the Dad," Ulquiora said with a quiet pride, and I glared.

"Shut up, or I'll fucking throw my shoe at your face."

I turned back to the scene. I gotta respect the kid a little - he actually held it off with a stoic face, before smiling charmingly.

The charm kicked up to the maximum level when he saw Hel. "Hi."

Then, like all the Unknown Great Truths that everybody and anybody would seem to know, I knew, right then and there - I don't like this kid.


I growled like a protective bitch - I mean, I growled because I felt that Hel's honor was threatened. Fellow Espada kid or not, he's not getting anywhere near my kid.

"You can call me Raikov," he said, winking at Hel who 'um'ed and saying it so perfectly and I felt like punching the kid's face in. He's a fucking kid so he shouldn't be making passes at my son.

Hel smiled. "You can call me Hel."

"I just found my parents two days ago. How 'bout you?" Raikov asked Hel, totally ignoring me, the world, and how fast he was growing to be the Number One Pain In The Ass for me.

"I found them about a week ago? I 'unno. You're the first Arran'car kid. Can..." Hel blushed, ducking his head. "Can I be your friend? Please?"

"Of course you can! I was about to ask the same thing!"

"Really?" Man, his eyes were shining.

"Uh-huh. Nice to meet you, Hel."

Hel blushed again, and smiled shyly. "Nice to meet you too, Raikov."


This is going DOWN.

Roar, my inner beast.


Panthera needs a new soul to slaughter, anyway, and that kid's gonna be the first one. I call for first blood. Hiss.

"You stay away from him," Ulqui and I snapped at almost the same time, and Gin squealed in the background like a fangirl along with Szayel. Fuck, I don't need him to turn into a fan either. Stark simply sighed, while the kid - Raikov - actually had the nerve to smirk.

"I'm just making friends, Uncle."

Condenscending little brat -

"Hey! No pointing ceros at my kid, Grimmy!" Szayel warned off, and I grumbled, putting back my finger. Stupid regulations. "That's better. Vanya and Hel are gonna get along real well! Right, Stark?"



The whole world went to look at Ulquiorra, who glared an Absolutely Fucking Freezing Antarctic GLARE TM Copyright Registered ETC towards the pink-haired scientist.

Said scientist adjusted his glasses and played it off with a Disposition of Indifference.

It failed. Ulquiorra 1; Szayel 0.

"Yes, Ulquiorra?"

"Be warned that if your son gets anywhere near mine with unholy intentions, balls will roll. I still haven't forgotten about you depriving Hel of his breakfast early yesterday morning, either. Am I clear?" he asked dangerously, and fangirls all over the world scream at his burst of outrage (or what you can call of it, anyway. The guy has a fucking shitload of fangirls).

Back off, I'm getting married to the guy, thank you very much. No, you can't take a picture of him. Back the fuck off.

Anyway (no I did not get possessive over Ulquiorra just now TY) Szayel just blinked. Then he blushed.






I'm sorry, but the overload of information just gets to you. I've gotta remind myself to find my inner peace later and beat the living shit out of this Raikov-bastard-kid. He's not getting anywhere near my HEL.

"Crystal, Ulqui," he replied distractedly, scratching the side of his cheek. "But my Vanya's a handful. I can only do so much!" he said cheerfully, beaming. Obviously he was excited at the prospect of having Hel and Raikov together.

I, am not.

Aizen got through to us before any blood was spilled, though. Lucky bastards.

"Now, time to get to the point of this meeting."

"You mean the announcement of having kids earlier wasn't the main point?"

"No, that was the second main point. Which makes it secondary. Gin has called upon to me something very interesting."

"Which is?" Szayel asked, tilting his head.

"Your children's education."

Oh, fuck, what the fuck. I knew it'll come to bite me in the fucking balls. What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. Ulquiorra just looked triumphant and I resisted the urge to slap the man I was about to marry. I didn't care about that, no. I was going 'WTF' more at the fact that GIN PLUS EDUCATION MEANS NU-UH.


"Gin told you this," Stark asked flatly, more like a statement actually. The silver haired man beamed at the background.



"Yeah! I asked Aizen-sama if we could have-a sort of school for the little kiddies. Yanno, like the Shinigami Academy back at Seireitei but more like academics-based. I dunno, from the form of education they have at the moment, its safe to say they haven't left the basics of cero-wielding. We don't want another Szayel to happen, now, do we?"

The pink haired man glared.

Oh hey. Now I remember. Come to think of it, how the hell did Szayel grow all that hair back?

He sniffed and I got my answer. "Hair tonic from my experiments."

"No permanent damage done! So these kids are Arrancars. Pretty soon they'll have their own zanpaku-tos too. You wouldn't want all that spirit energy to lie around, would you?" Gin waved his finger, and this is where I saw how brilliant the lieutenant of the leader of Arrancars was.

Damn, this guy's good.

Ulquiorra just nodded. "I agree with this. We should have a special lesson plan set up. A few more children would be appearing for sure... Wouldn't you want to rally the kids up, Aizen-sama?"

"I've already identified them. Szayel built the device," Aizen said confidently, and I rolled my eyes. Trust the guy to have everything set up already. "Lessons start tomorrow, but the lessons are conducted by the Arrancars themselves. Ulquiorra, you are most proficient at cero, you take that. Stark would be in charge of their sonido training. Grimmjow would take up on hand to hand combat. Halibel would be instructing them on their swords as soon as they have them - Szayel on basic mathematics and sciences... And a few Shinigami would also be helping out, since this is actually a joint effort. Yamamoto agreed on the terms."

"What the fuck? Shittygami's comin' along?"

"They're teaching the kids on their Shinigami counterparts. Actually it's all quite simple, you don't need to worry about the details, only that the lessons would be conducted here. I'll just announce it over the speakerphone. The first lesson is tomorrow, and it's not by any of you."

"Eh?" everyone asked, cocking an eyebrow. What the hell?

"Yep, it's by me!" Gin exclaimed gleefully, grinning. "General Information!"





"OH FUCK SHIT NO," slipped out of my lips, and everyone of them snapped out of it.

"Helios/Raikov will not be attending that particular lesson tomorrow," both Ulquiorra and Stark said immediately, and they glanced at each other.

"Hey! That's not fair at all!" Gin whined, sniffing, turning to Aizen. "Aizen-samaaaa."

Aizen immediately raised an eyebrow at us. We froze.

Shit. Fuck.



Szayel wailed.

"Do I hear any complaints?" he asked pleasantly, and I could see my life flashing before my eyes.

"No, Aizen-sama."

"Good. Your first lesson with Gin will start first thing tomorrow morning at 11 o'clock to accomodate for Ulquiorra's sleeping tendencies."

Man, the guy's cheeks actually coloured.

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

"Well, you all are dismissed! I'm so proud of my sons," Aizen said offhandedly, over to Gin who beamed and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. "You're so troublesome."

"You know you love me."

Ech, old love. They've been going strong for - how many centuries now? Yeesh.

"Um, I guess it's time to go," Hel said, kicking the floor and clutching his plushie tightly. When did that appear?

"You have a cute cat there, Hel."

"It reminds me of my Mommy, yeah."

"You're pretty cute too."

Hel blinked. "Um... Okay," was what he settled on, and Raikov smirked.

"I like you a lot. I'll see you around, Hel," Raikov-brat said, and then did a thing that, in a million years, even I wouldn't have seen ahead. Ulquiorra stopped. Stark stopped. Szayel - well, he squealed. He held Hel's hands and kissed him. I mean, he missed, and it was chaste and all (they were a couple of kids for Aizen's sake), BUT WHAT.







Sun and Earth MEET.


"I'M GONNA KILL THAT FUCKING BRAT!" I roared, chasing after Raikov, who laughed evilly and ran like nobody's business, waving at Hel who blushed like shit and covering his face.

This here?

Means war.

Well, after my wedding. Aizen's gonna kill me if I start any 'upheavals' before his carefully-planned once-in-what-was-probably-a-fucking-long-lifetime-event.


Chapter Eight End.



A/N: Don't kill me! XD Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov is from Metal Gear Solid 3! I don't own that! But I did play the game. XD; It's just too hilarious.

Well, read and review then! 8D I love you guys.