Boys and girls, this is what happens when you try too hard to be funny. ^^;
This story started out as a prose version of an earlier skit I wrote; thanks to many helpful comments of the FFIRC, though, I redid the story into a more 'serious' version.
(Warning: Extreme silliness ahead)
Once upon a time, in the mind of a (twisted) fanfic writer, the worlds of Rumiko Takahashi and Akira Toriyama merged into one...
Once Upon a Curse---
Guide to Martial Arts Training, Chapter One: "When in China, never go to a place called Jyusenkyo, for all those who have gone there met fates of unspeakable tragedy and horror. Beneath the idyllic scenery lies one of the most dangerous places on earth--next to, that is, Akane's kitchen."
(a Dragon Ball Z/Ranma Nibunnoichi crossover)
The sign erected outside of the place merely warned: "No Swimming or Fishing", the very kind of warning that one would ignore or even purposely disobey. The real caution concerning the unusual properties of Jyuusenkyo was printed in a small Chinese booklet.
Unfortunately, Goku couldn't read a single word of Chinese.
a Very Bad Parody (tm) by Dot
Goku, Vegita, Gohan and Trunks landed at the edge of the pools.
"This is supposed to be the world's greatest training ground?" Vegita raised an eyebrow as he surveyed the area. It didn't look like much--just pools of water with bamboo poles sticking out from them. But, he reminded himself, appearances can be deceiving.
"Uh huh," Goku nodded, stretching to warm up. "It's legendary."
Jyusenkyo was legendary, all right: For centuries stories abounded of people who went there, only to return as something else. Goku assumed that the 'something else' meant that the people became much, much stronger. Of course, sometimes they did, as in the case of one young man who was dipped into the Spring of The Drowned Yeti-Riding-a-Bull-Holding-a-Crane-and-Eel as a baby. Most of the time, though, they didn't.
"Whatever," Vegita shrugged. He jumped into the air and landed on one of the poles. "Let's get started already."
"Okay!" Goku was about to go after Vegita when he felt a small tug on his gi. Glancing down, he saw his son looking back with a worried expression on his face.
"Are you sure about this, Dad?" Gohan asked.
Goku smiled and patted Gohan on the head. "It'll be all right," he reassured his son before jumping towards the pole next to Vegita. Seeing that he would miss, he caught himself in mid-air and levitated slightly above his intended target.
"That's not a very smart thing to do, Kakarrotto," Vegita grinned, charging at Goku. The two began to fight in earnest.
"This place does make a good training ground," Trunks observed. "You have to develop superhuman agility or endurance not to fall in the water." He watched his father for a while before lifting himself into the air. "I don't think they're going to stop anytime soon, Gohan. Do you mind being my sparring partner?"
"O-kay, I guess..." Gohan swallowed his fear and followed Trunks to another area over the springs. He set himself into position and attacked.
Somewhere down the road, a small pudgy man wearing a simple Maoist uniform strolled towards a hut in the distance labled "Jyuusenkyou Guide". The Guide heard the sounds of fighting, became very upset, hurried towards the direction of the sound, and gasped at what he saw.
"Aiya! Honorable Guests, please stay away from springs!!"
Trunks and Gohan were too far away to hear this plea, and Vegita and Goku were too busy trying to hit one another to care. It was also at this moment that Goku got in a good solid punch which sent Vegita flying.
"Kuso..." Vegita swung himself around, turned Super Saiyajin, and brought his hands forward. "FINAL FLASH!"
Goku stared for a moment at the fireball that came towards him before frantically holding his hands in front of him for a block.
He was too late. The fireball slammed into him, knocking the air out of him and causing him to fall into one of the springs.
"DAD!" Gohan screamed, his anger building. Ally or not, Vegita had just hurt his father, and no one--NO ONE--hurts his father without getting away with it. He charged towards Vegita with a cry of rage and began attacking him with fast but generally ineffective hits.
Vegita soon got annoyed. "Go away, brat," he commanded, slapping Gohan away. He struck the unprepared boy a little two hard, sending Gohan into a different spring.
The Guide was on the verge of tears. "Please, sirs! Springs very dangerous!"
Again, no one heard him.
Vegita loomed over the spring where Goku had fallen. "Ha, ha, ha! What do you have to say for yourself now, Kakarrotto?"
Bubbles began to rise rapidly from the spring. Expecting an attack, Vegita readied himself. However, he wasn't quite prepared for what happened next.
A much smaller--and younger--Goku lept out of the spring, his adult clothes hanging awkwardly from his shoulders. "So you want to be unfair, do you?" He growled in a tiny child voice. "Take this!" He cupped his hands together. "Ka...me...ha...me...HA!"
Still stunned at seeing the sudden change in Goku, Vegita just stood there as the brilliant ball of energy came out of Goku's hands and headed towards him.
"Otousan!" Trunks jumped forward and took the blast for Vegita. Unfortunately, the force of impact was too strong, and he flew backwards, into his father. The two fell into neighboring springs almost at the same time, sounding twin splashes.
The Guide covered his eyes. "Oh, no! Not again!"
A few moments later, a lion rose out of the spring where Vegita had fallen.
"Grfl?!?" The lion looked at itself and facevaulted as well as a lion could.
"Oh, dear! Sir fall into Spring of Drowned Lion! Very tragic story, lion who drown there two thousand year ago! Now, whoever fall in, become lion!"
The lion began waving its arms wildly and roaring incoherently. Seeing that the Guide didn't understand it, the lion grabbed the sign which had previously warned against swimming and fishing and began scribbling furiously on it.
When it was finally done, it held up the sign: "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO EARLIER?!?"
"I try to, sir!" The frantic Guide replied.
Goku, who by now had landed, walked up to the Guide. "Hey, Mister! How'd you get so tall?"
"And you, sir," the Guide continued, noticing Goku, "fall into Spring of Drowned Little Boy! Very tragic story, young boy drown there one thousand two hundred year ago! Now, whoever fall in--"
The Guide was interrupted by a loud squealing. An adorable light green dragon flew out of the air and began clawing at the lion. The lion tried to ward the dragon off, to no avail.
"Ah, lad must have fallen into Spring of Drowned Haiya Dragon! Very tragic story--"
The lion somehow managed to hold up a sign: "Yeah, yeah! Enough of that already!"
A well-curved girl with shoulder-length lavender hair climbed out of the spring next to that of the Drowned Lion, coughing violently. "Dad?" Having received no response, the girl looked around, but the only other humans she saw were Goku and the Guide. Frantically, the girl called: "Dad! Where are you?"
The lion blanched when it realized who the girl was. Shaking, it held up a sign: "T-Trunks?!?"
Trunks stared at the sign-wielding lion. "Dad? Is that you? What happened?"
"What the hell happened to YOU?!?" Was the (written) reply.
"Nothing! I'm fine!" Trunks suddenly realized everyone was staring at...um...her. "What? What's the matter?" Following their eyes, Trunks looked down.
The lion (Vegita), boy (Goku), dragon (Gohan), and Guide (Guide) winced and covered their ears.
When Trunks paused for breath, the Guide jumped in: "Don't worry, sir! Effect not permanent!" With that, he hurried back to his hut and returned with a kettle of hot water. He poured a little of it on everyone, returning each person to his rightful state.
"Thank Kami I'm not that...that thing!" Vegita exclaimed in relief.
Goku nodded. "Vegita, for once I agree with you!"
"So...hot water turns us back?" Gohan asked.
"Yes, young lad. But..."
"But?!?" The four warriors repeated simultaneously.
The Guide cringed; this was the part of his job that he hated the most. "Splash cold water, and curse takes effect!"
"I knew there was a string attatched somewhere..." Vegita mumbled.
Gohan looked skyward. "Uh, Dad? Is it just me, or does it look like rain?"
Everyone took cover, fast.
Back at Kami-Sama's floating palace, Goku reported this unfortunate mishap to Piccolo, Dende, Tenshinhan, and Yamcha.
Piccolo stared at the four in amazement. "You went WHERE?!?"
Vegita tossed Piccolo a small red booklet. "Read this."
Piccolo looked at the title. "The Journal of Mao? What does this have to do with anything?"
The props person appeared, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry, wrong booklet."
Piccolo looked at the (correct) title. "Training Grounds in China, hmm?" After flipping through some of the pages, he glared at Goku. "Son Goku...you can't read Chinese, can you?"
Goku went into his Classic Stupid-Looking Pose (tm). "Well, the words looked the same..."
Piccolo whapped Goku in the head using his stretchable arms. "Baka! Jyusenkyou was worst possible place you could have gone to!"
Baka! Piccolo's subconscious kicked him, hard. Never end a sentence with a preposition!
"What's so bad about Jyusenkyou?" Yamcha asked.
"Let me demonstrate," offered Dende. Before Goku, Gohan, Vegita, or Trunks could protest or run away, Dende brought a cloud over them.
Instant rainstorm => instant boy, lion, dragon, and girl.
Yamcha grew dangerously close to having a nosebleed: Trunks' tank top now barely hid her new figure. He hit himself several times on the head; that didn't help diminish his hormones, but at least the stars dancing in his vision kept him from seeing too much.
Trunks, noticing that Yamcha was ogling her, blushed furiously and covered her chest. She turned to Dende. "Okay, Dende-san, you've showed them. Now, will you please get us some hot water?"
Dende nodded and went into a different section of the floating palace. A few moments later, he returned with a kettle of hot water and restored everyone to their rightful state.
Piccolo sighed. "Great. How are you going to defeat Cell like this?"
"Pray that it doesn't rain during the Cell game?" Vegita suggested sarcastically.
"You mean we'll transform every time we get splashed with cold water for the rest of our lives?!?" Trunks asked, horrified. Damn! I can never go to the beach again!
Piccolo stroked his chin thoughtfully. "There may be a cure, but it'll take a while for me to find something. For now, just be careful."
"And we still have the fate of the world to worry about, too," Tenshinhan pointed out.
"Forget the fate of the world," Vegita mumbled under his breath. "I do not want to turn into a zoo exhibit everytime I come in contact with cold water!"
"Lighten up, Vegita!" Goku chided. "It could be worse."
"Like what?" Vegita challenged.
A few moments later, Vegita found himself explaining his predicament to his wife.
I had to ask... Vegita thought as he repeated the story to a wide-eyed Bulma.
"Really?" Bulma asked when he finished.
"Would I make up something so ridiculous?"
"No," Bulma admitted. A few moments later, she broke out into giggles trying to picture Vegita as a lion.
She stopped laughing, though, when Trunks asked her whether he could borrow some of her clothes.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch--er, I should say, back at the Son house--Goku discovered that Chi-Chi did not have Bulma's sense of humor.
"GOHAN TURNS INTO A WHAT?!?" Chi-Chi screeched.
Goku cringed; he hated it when fanfic writers presented his wife as a raving lunatic for the sake of comic relief. But, then again, Chi-Chi probably would go this ballistic if something like this really happened.
Gohan tried to calm Chi-Chi down. "It's okay, Mom; I can still study."
Chi-Chi immeadiately became cheerful again. "Well, in that case, everything's fine!" She wagged a finger at Gohan. "Just don't try to fly away from your books when I'm not looking!"
Goku and Gohan fell over.
Later that night...
"Stop it, Vegita! What are you doing?" Bulma protested weakly as Vegita began gleefully removing her nightgown.
"Every fanfic with the two of us in it has to have a lemon scene," Vegita reminded Bulma, snapping off her bra. "It's The Rules."
"But..." Bulma trailed off, looking hesitant.
"What? Am I not good enough for you? Would you rather go back to Yamcha?"
"Why, you..." Bulma turned red with anger.
A young man with pig-like fangs and a spotted yellow bandanna tied around his forehead entered the room. "Excuse me, but--" Upon seeing what Vegita and Bulma were doing, the young man passed out, blood spurting from his nose.
"Who in the world was that?" Bulma wondered.
"Just an Inappropriate Cameo (tm)," Vegita replied, before turning his attention back to undressing Bulma. And since this author does not write lemons, she leaves the rest of the night to the reader's imaginations.
Two rooms down, Trunks couldn't sleep. The idea of changing sex every time he was hit by a different temperature of water kept him awake all night. He couldn't help remembering the look on Yamcha's face after the transformation occurred. With horror, Trunks realized that he would now be chased after by all of the males as well. A shudder went down his spine as he thought about a particularly ardent young man who called himself "The Blue Thunder"...
Back in the Son house, things had quieted down. Chi-Chi, upon discovering that the two men had much smaller appetites in their cursed forms, had fainted in happiness and could not be awakened for the rest of the night. Goku wanted to spar with Vegita again, but Gohan, fearful that Vegita would use the Jyusenkyou curses to his advantage, managed to convince Goku to stay home. Goku spent the rest of the evening sitting miserably in front of the television watching Cell wreak random havoc upon the world. Gohan, as he promised, went into his room and studied; he quickly discovered that he couldn't turn pages as well as in dragon form, though. So, he went into the kitchen, poured some hot water on himself, returned to his room, and resumed reading "A Brief History of the Universe."
The next day, Trunks, in cursed form, accompanied by Bulma, went shopping for clothes. Understandably, Trunks was not too enthusiastic about her mother's selections of clothes. Especially not when they got to the lingerie department.
"Mom!" Trunks protested in horror when Bulma dragged her into the dressing room.
"You're going to be spending a significant amount of your life as a girl," Bulma reminded Trunks. "Get used to it."
"But I don't want to get used to it!" Trunks wailed.
Bulma put her hands on her hips. "Oh, stop being such a baby and undress already."
Trunks complied reluctantly--with her eyes closed, so that she wouldn't faint over the sight of her own body.
Elsewhere, Vegita strolled through the streets of Satan City in lion form, thanks to a careless old lady who had been throwing out some dirty (and quite cold) water as he passed by. After he had gotten over his fury at being splashed, he realized that very few people bothered him while in this form. In fact, no one even got within ten feet of him. Except for that strange girl who kept calling him "Eponine"; once he batted her out of his way with his paw, though, everyone else left him alone. And that was exactly what Vegita wanted.
Floating precariously over the stove, Goku strained to reach the kettle of hot water set at the innermost burner. Propelling himself a little further with his ki, he finally grabbed the handle. Floating back onto the ground, Goku poured the hot water over himself and reverted to his adult form.
"Phew," Goku sighed. "How many times can someone get splashed with cold water, anyways?"
At that exact moment, the faucet decided to explode, spraying Goku and transforming him yet again.
"I had to ask," a small, almost feminine voice muttered.
High above the Earth, Dende and Piccolo watched everything, the former with amusement and the latter with disgust.
"I don't believe it," Piccolo groaned. "None of this was supposed to happen."
"Remember The Rules, Piccolo-san," Dende said gently.
"Yeah, yeah," Piccolo closed his eyes and recited the First Rule: "anything that is impossible or has at least a ten percent chance of happening can occur as many times as the author dictates," he looked towards the world below again. "But I still don't like it."
"Lighten up, Piccolo-san," Dende suggested.
"Sorry, but I don't share your sense of humor," Piccolo growled. "Especially not when the author decides to abuse The Rules."
Somewhere in Florida, a teenaged girl sitting at her computer sneezed.
The day of the Cell game finally arrived. The warriors gathered at Kami-Sama's floating palace for a last pep-talk.
"Bad news, Goku: the new Shen Long still can't resurrect people twice," Kuririn reported sadly.
"Sorry, I should have clarified this earlier," Dende murmured apologetically.
"That's all right!" Goku said reassuringly. "If we don't die, that won't be a problem!"
"Not die?!?" Kuririn exclaimed with disbelief. "We're going to fight Cell!"
"All right, enough talk," Goku held up a hand. "We'll be late!"
"Besides," mumbled Piccolo, "that was taken almost word-for-word out of the manga."
To make a long story short (and to prevent further plagarism), we'll skip ahead to Gohan's fight with Cell. (Goku's fight was basically a lot of sound effects, mass destruction, and generally plotless filler material.)
Gohan stared with horror as the little Cells began attacking his father and friends.
"Stop," he pleaded, quietly and uselessly.
"Then fight me," ordered Cell.
The fighters, too busy defending themselves, did not notice the gathering storm clouds until it began to rain. Using his telepathy, Piccolo frantically called out to Dende to turn off the waterworks. The shower stopped, but it was too late: The damage was already done.
"Well, well!" Cell chortled. "This is certainly an interesting turn of events!"
Android Number 16, seeing that Gohan still would not fight, jumped into the battlefield and latched onto Cell, intending to trigger his self-destruct system and blow up, taking Cell with him. Of course, since Bulma had previously removed said system, 16 didn't explode; instead, Cell quickly detached the robot by breaking it into several pieces.
16's severed head rolled to a stop in front of a stunned Gohan.
"Fight, Gohan," the robot said.
Gohan shook his head.
"You must," 16 insisted. "You must protect the Earth."
"How heroic," Cell declared sarcastically before stepping on 16's head, crushing it completely. The monster then began to laugh.
To Gohan, the world seemed to freeze for a few seconds. In his head he saw 16's head being crushed over and over again. His shock quickly turned to anger. And of course, you know what happens when Gohan gets angry...
Cell stopped laughing when it felt Gohan's ki skyrocket. "What the...?"
The earth around Gohan shook violently as he broke through the barrier between Super Saiyajin Level One and Level Two.
"Squawk," Gohan said. Translation: You are dead meat. Before Cell could blink, Gohan flew up to it and batted it into several mountains with a swing of its claw.
"M...masaka!" Piccolo breathed.
"Now I get it!" Trunks exclaimed. "Our powers aren't changed when we become cursed! That explains how Goku-san was able to shoot a Kamehame Ha as a boy!" She turned towards Gohan. "Go, Gohan! Beat Cell! You can do it!"
Gohan nodded solemnly and brought his claws together in front of him. As Cell stood up, still looking shocked, Gohan blasted it with a near-perfect Kamehame Ha. He followed that with a series of devastating attacks, none of which Cell could block, dodge, or counter. After one particularly painful kick, Cell made some disgusting barfing noises and spit out Number 18.
Gohan laughed triumphantly, seeing that Cell was no longer a challenge.
Or so he thought.
"No..." Cell murmured, looking at himself. "I refuse to be beaten by that...boy!" He began to inflate like a balloon.
"???" Gohan stared, puzzled.
"Ha, ha, ha!" Cell cackled. "I just initiated my irreversible self-destruct sequence! I've made myself into a bomb powerful enough to destroy the world, and no one can stop me!" It threw its head back and laughed The Typical Bad Guy Evil Laugh (tm). It didn't notice that a little boy had inched up to him and gotten close enough to touch him...
But Gohan did, and cried out for his father to stop.
Goku sadly shook his head. He slowly brought two fingers to his head.
Gohan knew that nothing he could do or say would change his father's mind. A tear formed in his eye and rolled down his beak.
Goku disappeared, taking Cell with him.
"SQUAWK!!!" Gohan screamed.
"GOKU!!!" The others screamed.
Then, there was only the sound of weeping.
"Goku-san died so that he could save us..." Trunks murmured, a tear running down her face as well. "Goku-san..."
"You called?" Goku reappeared with a kettle in his hand.
"GOKU!" Everyone exclaimed joyfully, and began talking at once.
"We thought you died!"
"How'd you escape?"
Goku waited for everyone to calm down, then began his tale: "Well, I remembered what Trunks said about not losing our powers in our cursed forms, so I used Shukdan Idou to get us out of here."
"We already know that," Vegita 'said', holding up a sign which had mysteriously appeared.
"Anyway," Goku continued, ignoring Vegita, "the only place that I could think going of was Jyusenkyou. Somehow, we ended up over the springs, and I dunked Cell in one of them."
Piccolo silently thanked the author for that Convenient Plot Hole (tm) before asking: "Which spring?"
"The Spring of the Drowned Namekkian Frog, according to the Guide. I squashed Cell before he could blow up."
"How in the world did a Namkkian Frog drown at Jyusenkyou?" Trunks wanted to know.
Piccolo shrugged. "Author magic?"
Goku laughed. "After that, the Guide turned me back with some hot water, and I thought I should bring some back to you guys. So here I am." He passed the kettle to the other three cursed warriors, who quickly reverted to their normal forms.
Gohan buried himself in his father's arms as soon as he turned back into a boy. "Dad!" He sobbed uncontrollably.
Goku patted Gohan's head. "I'm very proud of you, Gohan. You did well."
"But you almost died!" Gohan bawled.
"But I didn't, right? Stop crying, it's okay."
"WAAH!" Gohan just hugged Goku even tighter.
"Ugh," Vegita grumbled. "I think I'll go home and puke now."
Piccolo demonstrated his stretchable arms once again. "Shut up. This is the Obligatory Warm and Fuzzy Feelings Scene (tm); sarcasm is not a part of it."
A little while later, everyone was back at Kami-Sama's floating palace. Shen Long was summoned, and the first wish was used to resurrect all those who were killed by Cell. Vegita was going to use the second wish to undo the curses, but the bald runt Kuririn spoke up first and wished for Number 17's and 18's explosive devices be removed.
"Great," Vegita said sourly as he watched Number 18 and Kuririn saunter off into the sunset. "What'll we do now?"
"There's still hope," Piccolo replied, holding up a small red booklet.
Once again, the warriors found themselves landing at the place where everything had started.
"All right..." Vegita crossed his arms. "So which one is the Spring of the Drowned Man?"
"I have no idea whatsoever," Piccolo admitted.
"WHAT?!?" Vegita fumed.
"I don't know everything!" Piccolo shouted back defensively.
The Guide came out, drawn by the sounds of the argument. "Ah, guests have returned! Looking for Spring of Drowned Man?"
"Yes," Goku replied, holding his hand over Vegita's mouth. "Do you know where it is?"
"Hmm..." The Guide scratched his head. He pointed at a spring. "Maybe it this one..." He pointed to another. "Or that?" And yet another. "Or maybe this?" He scratched his head again. "Or was it different one?"
Vegita scowled. "You mean you don't know, either."
The Guide shrugged. "Sorry. I no remember."
"Wonderful!" Vegita exclaimed sarcastically. "So we have to jump in every one of these springs to see which one works?"
Trunks backed away nervously. "I'm not going to try it!"
Gohan followed suit. "Me, neither!"
Goku shook his head. "Count me out!"
Vegita turned and crossed his arms. "You think I'm going to do it?"
"Well, someone has to," Piccolo pointed out.
Everyone turned to look at him.
Piccolo grew a Very Large Sweat Drop (tm). "Who, me?"
"Who else?" Vegita asked, advancing towards the Namekkian. The others also began to walk towards Piccolo with a strange, almost possessed look on their faces.
"Oh, Piccolo-san..." Gohan crooned sweetly. "You said you would do anything for me, didn't you?"
"No! No! Please, stop! WAAAAAH--"
"Whoops, that wasn't it," Vegita observed with sadistic amusement. "Next?"
Author's notes: Finally finished the new version of the story.
I feel cleansed now. :)
"Once Upon a Curse" was greatly inspired by Andrew Huang's Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut--which I thought was an extremely hilarious and well-written story, even though I've never seen EVA--and Arline's Dragon Ball Z - Ranma 1/2: The Unspeakable Crossover (another very silly 'DBZ in the Ranma World' type crossover).
Copyright 1998 by Dot
Questions? Comments? Suggestions?