title: sticks and stones
summary: Dialogue fic. "Doesn't make sense? Sure it does. Your Sharingan? Red. Your skin? Pasty. Clearly, you're albino. And, also, P.S, Sasuke-kun. There's this thing called sunlight. Get some."
notes: You all can thank Pina for this bit of insanity. Also, consider this a counterpoint to chasing pavement. Unrelated, of course, but well...clearly, my crack always comes right on the heels of my, as Ren put it "not-quite angst." :) I'm kind of glad for it, though, as I need to ger my CRACK!mojo back to help me write my bits of TDG, as well as a number of the sixpence requests, and the remainder of my long overdue gift!fics. So, consider this a jumping point.
This is for you guys, because for some reason, you're still reading me.
disclaimer: not not mine. AT ALL. :D
"—and he didn't even have the decency to get me the right flavor! I swear, the next time I see his ugly face, I'll—"
"Shut up, moron. Your nonsensical ranting is making my head hurt."
"No, you shut up, asshole! You can't tell me what to do! You are not the boss of me!"
"Clearly, your mind is still set to toddler."
"Clearly, your mind is set to whiny, prickish, emotionally-constipated, emo-kid!"
"Come here and say that, dead last."
"What the hell is going on here?"
"O-oh! Hi, Sakura-chan!"
"Hello to you too, Sasuke-kun. Now what the hell do you two think you're doing? You're both acting like emotionally stunted five year-olds—don't snort at me, Sasuke-kun, it's true! Except, wait, no. Actually, you're worse. Five year-olds would at least have gotten bored by now and forgotten about it. You two have been going for hours. Quite frankly, you're an embarrassment to your actual age-group."
"But, Sakura-chan! Aren't you always telling baa-chan that allowances need to be made because that bastard and I had difficult childhoods, and that since we were deeply scarred by amazingly traumatic psychological issues, we're not wired like normal people, and that—"
"And what did I tell you about listening at closed doors, Naruto?"
"…um, not to do it?"
"Please don't smile like that, Sakura-chan. It's a little scary."
"Moron. Don't be scared of her."
"…uh-oh. Bastard, there's a better way to do this, you know—"
"Shut up, Naruto. What did you say, Sasuke-kun?"
"You heard me."
"And why shouldn't he be scared of me, Sasu—"
"Do I really have to clarify? You can't even—"
"HEY. YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY TODAY, SAKURA-CHAN. DID I TELL YOU THAT? BECAUSE YOU DO. REALLY REALLY PRETTY. BEAUTIFUL EVEN. LIKE A RAINBOW, EXCEPT NOT AS COLORFUL. BUT YOU'RE STILL REALLY PRETTY. AND YOU SMELL LIKE RAMEN. WHICH IS LIKE, THE BEST KIND OF PERFUME EVER. IF THEY SOLD IT, I WOULD BUY EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE BECAUSE IT SMELLS SO GOOD. JUST LIKE YOU. YEAH. SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND ALL-KNOWING, AND INTIMIDATING, AND FIERCE—YOU ARE ALSO LOVELY AND FRAGRANT. HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT TODAY? BECAUSE YOU ARE, AND SASUKE'S AN IDIOT WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT."
"…er, thank you Naruto. Really, you're sweet. But, um, I'm pretty sure we had a talk about volume control earlier this week. Remember? After—"
"Moron. I know exactly what I'm saying. And, was that necessary? My eardrums are still ringing."
"So. You're really on a roll, Sasuke-kun. First you very rudely interrupt me—"
"I thought you were done."
"—and now, you're disagreeing with Naruto's glowing—and totally accurate description of me, besides the bit about ramen, of course—and therefore, calling me ugly."
"I didn't say that. But now that you mention—"
"HE WAS NOT SAYING THAT AT ALL, SAKURA-CHAN. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? SASUKE'S AN IDIOT AND HE THINKS YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE—"
"Shut up, Naruto, the grown-ups are talking right now. Now. Finish your sentence, Sasuke-kun."
"Gladly. As I was saying, you're not ugly. Just….mismatched."
"…I'm mis—I'm mismatched? What the hell does that even mean? Do you want to explain yourself?"
"Your hair is pink, and your eyes are green—what's there to explain?"
"Why, you! You…you…albino!"
"Albino? I'm an albino. That doesn't even make sense."
"Um, actually, it absolutely does. Your Sharingan? Red. Your skin? Pasty. Newsflash, Sasuke-kun. There's this thing called sunlight. Get some."
"You know, she's got a point."
"Shut up, Naruto."
"Why does everyone keep saying that to me?"
"Whatever. I've got to go. I have lives to save. Naruto, keep on keeping on. Sasuke-kun, call me when when you decide you want to stop being such an incorrigible ass."
"Oh God, she's scary. Well...now what? And by the way, you're an idiot. Just thought you should know."
"I know you think she's hottest when she's mad—"
"Ahem. What nonsense are you spouting now?"
"Jounin party. Three months ago. After three shooters, you were done. Lightweight, what kind of self-respecting—whatever, it happened in the mission lounge. Give it up, man—everyone knows. Kiba and I have a pool going for when you actually remove that stick from the vicinity of your ass and just talk to her. Normally, instead of letting your repressed!avenger hormones do your talking for you, and pissing her off just so you can see her—what was it you said—in all her feminine glory."
"I really don't—"
"Look, all I'm saying is that there are other ways to see her angry. Like, oh, I don't know. Watching her yell at someone else, maybe?"
"You used that already. I'm going to go train. I'll see you later."
"Well, uh. You know. Sakura-chan was right about the sunlight thing. You, uh, might wanna think about giving it a try."
That sounded better in my head. D: