Author's Note and Disclaimer: Ok, this is a rewrite/edit of the story I posted years ago. This was a dream I had, so needless to say, but I will anyway, I own nothing. NOTHING. I don't even have that car or lunchbox anymore.
It had been a very long day. I had gotten no sleep the night before, people kept coming into the store like there was no tomorrow, and the repair center couldn't keep up with all the work that was being entered. Very, very tiring. All I wanted to do was go home and unwind.
As I drove my old car down the road, humming to a song on the radio, I blinked. I could have sworn that I saw something. Thinking nothing of it, I shook my head, praying that I wasn't so tired that I was hallucinating. This road wasn't well lit anyway so I thought it was probably just an animal or something; how dumb was I? I saw a flash of something that looked like a red streaked shadow and slammed on my breaks, but not before I hit whatever it was. Pulling over I shut off the car and went to see what I had hit.
I paused, blinked, rubbed my eyes and then just stared. On the ground was a body. A body in an Akatsuki cloak. A body in an Akatsuki cloak missing a head. And said head was giving me the bitch out of my life.
"Jashin damn you, woman! What the fuck is wrong with you!? Didn't-"
"HOLY FUCK! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE!?" I interrupted, picking up the severed head.
"You fucking whore! Get your Jashin forsaken hands off of me!"
I raised an eyebrow at him and nodded in agreement, smiling pleasantly...for a split second before I chucked his head against the side of my car.
"OW! YOU BITCH! THAT HURT!"
"Got anything else to call me, you sorry excuse for a basketball?" I asked picking him up.
I slapped a hand over his mouth.
"Look, I know this area is pretty damn deserted, but all your yelling is gonna get someone to call the cops. If that happens, I'm going to get arrested and you are going to be carted off to a lab somewhere where you will be experimented on until the day you die! …If that's even possible, but considering I'm talking to your severed head, I'm guessing not. Either that or they'll call a priest to perform an exorcism." I shuddered at the thought. "Now, I'm going to take my hand off your mouth. Let's talk this over quietly, agreed?"
I removed my hand from his mouth.
"Ok, good. Now how did you get here?"
"I have no fucking idea! One minute I was doing a ritual the next I get hit by your Jashin damn machine!"
"Ok, here's the deal. I'm gonna put your body in the trunk, your head can sit up front, and I'll take you back to my house. Once there I'll get a needle and some thread and reattach your head. Fair?"
"No it's not fucking fair! I-"
"I could always leave you here." I pointed out.
Opening the car door I set his head down on the passenger seat. After shutting the door I opened the trunk and wrestled his body inside before slamming the lid closed. Going back around to the drivers side, I climbed in and buckled up, starting the car and going home, ignoring the steady stream of cursing coming from next to me.
When I pulled into my driveway, I was annoyed to see that my step-father was still awake. Parking, I looked at Hidan's head.
"Change of plan. Joe's up which means I can't risk sewing you back together right now. I'll do it first thing in the morning."
Before he could say anything I stuffed the head in my lunchbox and went inside. After retreating to my bedroom and changing I opened one of the compartments I the headboard of my bed, putting a pillow inside it. Ignoring the protests I put the head on the pillow and shut the door, getting into bed myself. The next morning I was woken up by a knocking sound at the door of the headboards compartment.
My eyes shot open. What a weird dream… Wait, what's that knocking sound? Sitting up ramrod straight I opened the compartment to see….
Laying back down I heard it again as I felt a pain in my knuckles. Looking up I noticed that my hand had been knocking against the door making me think that it had been real.
Later that evening I was talking to my friend Erin in Arizona and told her about the dream.
"I was so sad that it wasn't real! I woke up and sulked for almost an hour! ...Wait. You know what I just realized?"
"What?" she asked me
"I must be the only person in the entire world who wakes up sad and depressed that there isn't a talking severed head in the headboard of her bed!"