Written for the March Red and the Wolf Challenge on LiveJournal. Please read and review :)
I'm not JK Rowling.
"What's a male trollop?"
Everything stopped in the dormitory and faces turned towards the bed in the corner. Over the years everyone had become accustomed to the random track mind of Sirius Black, however this was one time that Remus couldn't figure out how they had gotten from arguing over the best way to build a tower out of chocolate frog cards to male trollops in any way, shape or form.
Remus looked over to James and Peter on the other side of the room and saw that they had expressions on their faces that were mirroring what he thought his face probably looked like; completely baffled but increasingly curious.
James was the one who finally decided to take the plunge into Sirius' train of thought, "What are you on about Padfoot? A trollop is a girl who claims to be all innocent and does the good girl routine until you find out what she's really like. You really are thick sometimes."
A pillow flew across the room and hit James in the side of the head, knocking his glasses askew. Sirius really had spectacular aim when banishing objects. "I know what a trollop is, James. I'm not a first year. Even if I were, first year Sirius Black knew what a trollop was. I was trying to figure out what you would call a male trollop because trollops themselves are female."
"Is there such a thing as a male trollop, though?" Peter stood up and tossed the chocolate frog cards back into his trunk. "I mean, we're blokes, right? We like girls and sex and stuff. Not much of a secret, really. Everyone knows."
Shaking his head at Peter, Sirius interrupted, "Of course there are male trollops. Look at Moony".
Once again, there was stunned silence, but this time it was followed by several things happening at once. The butterbeer that James had been drinking suddenly spurted out his nose complete with choking laughter and a beetroot face. Sirius grinned, waved his wand again and cast anapneo in James' general direction, enabling him to laugh with a full set of lungs. Seeing the shocked expression on Remus's face, Peter attempted to muffle his laughter but failed miserably and ended up rolling back onto his bed, shaking with belly laughs. Remus just stared at Sirius silently, open mouthed. Him? He was a trollop? When had this happened?
"I'm not a… I like girls… You're the trollop, Sirius!" Nice comeback, Lupin, he thought to himself.
Smirking at him, Sirius was twirling his wand between his fingers. Remus wanted to smack him for looking so smug with himself "Well, think about it, Moony. Despite your eloquent claim, I'm not a trollop. Quite the opposite actually; ladies man that I am. I'm straightforward about it and it's very simple. I like girl, I sleep with girl, I find new girl. Which makes me more of a…"
"Slut" interjected Peter.
"Exactly, which brings up another semantic issue, but let's move on? Peter likes the girls and is open about it, but his issue is actually landing the bird. Probably comes on a little too strong. James is open about what he wants as well, but has limited himself in the field somewhat considerably. Really, Prongs, it's cute how you keep pining over Evans. It really is. It just makes you sad, not a trollop, to pine for one girl when there are literally hundreds in this school for the taking." James opened his mouth in protest, but Sirius waved him on and continued, "Which brings us back round to you, Moony. You and your trollopishness."
Remus sighed "Sirius, that isn't even a word. And I don't understand what you are talking about. I like girls. I've dated girls here at school. I'm actually the only one in this room who has had a relationship longer than 6 hours. How on earth have I been labeled a trollop?"
"Alright, you aren't, but you are the closest I've got to use as an example. You can use that shy, quiet friend angle to get in with girls, which is complete bollocks by the way that no girl seems to have figured out that it's all just an act in the past six years, and then you can make your move and the girls don't know what's hit them until it's all over. Therefore, trollop; or reasonable facsimile of".
Remus sat on his bed unable to find the right words. Or any words for that matter. True, Sirius often left people speechless either out of sheer outrageousness or because of surprisingly insightful truth, but this was still shocking. It was like someone had held up a mirror in front of Remus and he suddenly realized that he was a completely different person that he had originally thought. I really am a trollop.
"So, what do we call it then? Do we ask the girls and take a poll, or do we simply give the term it's own name in Moony's honour? Something like a 'mallop' or 'trollmus'?" James' eyes were gleaming with mischief. Remus couldn't help but think that anything involving James, Sirius and the naming of something, particularly something they were labeling Remus as, wasn't a good thing. He'd have to intervene or they'd either go and ask the masses in the common room, or they'd simply start calling him Trollmus for the rest of his existence. Whatever they came up with probably wasn't going to end up well
"Sexual promiscuity is not an appropriate discussion topic for Transfiguration class." Remus' hand felt like it was going to fall off after he wrote the 400th line for McGonagall. He had been inwardly cursing bloody James and his stupid segways for the past hour, and McGonagall for imposing her "One Marauder equals All Marauder" detention rule, which he felt was highly unfair in this situation as he had actually trying to diffuse the conversation.
It had all started with McGonagall explaining the body double conjuring charm, hominem gemino, explaining that although the word stem of hominem loosely translates to man, it worked equally well when conjuring a female double. Up until this point of the lesson, James had his head resting on his hand and was doodling on a piece of parchment. Hearing McGonagall's words, he raised his hand, "Professor, why is it that some words don't have a gender counterpart? Something like…"
"Bastard." interrupted Sirius. Seeing the look on McGonagall's face, he rushed on "I mean, it's an inappropriate term for a fatherless child, true, but what do we call a motherless child? Does society have a word for it?"
Remus saw which direction this conversation was headed and jumped in to intervene. He didn't want his newfound trollopishness exposed to all the seventh years in NEWT Transfiguration. "We call it unfortunate. Professor McGonagall, can you go over the wand movement for the spell again? Did it finish with a jab or a flick? I don't want to accidentally conjure a bird or something." McGonagall looked momentarily relieved that it appeared that the class was turning back towards the actually lesson when James shook his head.
"But Remus, that's a description, not a definition. There are lots of words like that, aren't there, Professor? Most of them are derogatory, but shouldn't it all be on an even playing field? I mean, I could call a girl a trollop, but what would I call Remus? It's only fair to have dual terms"
For the second time in as many days, there was a beat of silence then an explosion of chaos. All around him, people were shouting out suggestions for an alternative word "Scally wag!" "Hustler!" "Lying arsebag!", Peter shot sparks into the air resembling fireworks, while James and Sirius sat back and admired their handiwork. Remus turned around to yell at James and suddenly found out that he couldn't. McGonagall had a smile on her face. She had silencio-d the class. "Detention. Six o'clock". Remus groaned silently, folded his arms on his desk and buried his head. There was no reason to ask who she was talking about. "Now, as I was saying…"
When eight o'clock finally arrived, both of Remus' hands and his brain were throbbing. The four of them left the classroom and snuck off to the kitchens for a well deserved gorging having missed dinner. As Remus was waiting for a house elf to come back with some drinks, James popped up behind him with a grin on his face.
"I guess that decided it then. What do you think of 'Scally-wag'?"
"I suppose I'll have to take it. Anything is better than 'Trollmus'"