Author's Note: I decided to try my hand at a parody. I know it's been done before, but I have to get it out of my system.
Scene One: Blood! Everywhere, Blood!
(See title of scene.)
Scene Two: You Mean, This Isn't On the Town 2: Gaby's Revenge?
(Two men stand on a ship that is approaching London. Yes, they are both men. One of them does look suspiciously like Keira Knightley. His name is Anthony Hope. Symbolic, ain't it? He is staring at London as if it is an adorable kitten, because he is not that bright. The other man looks suspiciously like someone who streaks his hair because he thinks it looks classy. His name is Sweeney Todd, and he is not that sane.)
Anthony: London, London, it's a wonderful town!
Sweeney: The filth is up and the decency's down! It's like there's a great black pit in the ground!
Both: London, London, it's a wonderful town!
Anthony: Did you mean that last part sarcastically, Mr. Todd?
Sweeney: (sarcastically) No.
Anthony: Oh. (Takes a deep breath) YOU CAN COUNT ON ME! YOU CAN COUNT ON ME! AS THE ADDING MACHINE ONCE SAID-
Sweeney: You do realize that this isn't a musical about three sailors who spend a day in New York City and try to get laid, don't you?
Anthony: (shocked) You mean, this isn't On the Town 2: Gaby's Revenge?
Sweeney: I'm afraid not.
Anthony: (begins to cry) I didn't know! They just put me on this ship without any instructions, and I don't know what to do! I'm so confused!
(Sweeney leads a sobbing Anthony off the ship.)
Sweeney: It's all right, Anthony. When I was your age, I used to get my musicals confused, too.
(Flashback: Young Sweeney Todd, aka Benjamin Barker, strolls through a flowery market with Lucy Barker, his wife, who is carrying a baby. Suddenly, Lucy places the baby in a fruit bin and begins dancing lasciviously. Benjamin joins her. The music to "Light My Candle" from Rent plays. The other shoppers stare at them, flabbergasted. Judge Turpin and Beadle Bamford leer at Lucy from the market's one dark corner.)
Lucy: They say that I have the best ass below 14th Street. Is it true?
Lucy: You're staring again.
Benjamin: Oh, no, I mean, you do have a nice-
Judge Turpin: Benjamin Barker, that is no way to behave at the market! Talking about your wife's ass! The very idea!
Benjamin: Lucy started it!
Judge Turpin: Police! Arrest him!
(Police bop Benjamin over the head and drag him away. Judge Turpin approaches Lucy and puts a hand on her rump.)
Judge Turpin: Now, if you'd like to further discuss your ass, we could go to my mansion and peruse my dirty book collection.
Lucy: Some other time?
Sweeney: (dreamily) Good times.
Anthony: (sobbing harder) That's horrible! Did anyone remember to take the baby out of the fruit bin?
Sweeney: You can see into my flashbacks? Jesus, you're even creepier than I thought.
Anthony: (wailing) I can't help it if I have googly eyes!
Sweeney: This isn't about the googly eyes.
Anthony: OH, IT'S NEVER ABOUT THE GOOGLY EYES, IS IT?
Sweeney: Yeah, I'm leaving now. (Walking away) Stupid London…