Nuclear Frustration

Android Unit Number 465823; senior officer aboard the Dominion Science Vessel Alchemist, ID number GVN78392894. All systems functional. Uploading data...

Assigned task by Dominion Government: explore and formulate more efficient methods of Nuclear weapons targeting and delivery. Primary Target: Zerg species, preferably Zerg habitation areas. Test site location: classified. Report files located and initializing...

Field Report entry 1, filed by Android Unit Number 465823, informally designated "QWERTY"

Smaller Zerg hive cluster located earlier this day. Surrounding geological contours have been analyzed via long range sensors. Optimal drop point and location to highlight target location via laser light decided. Initial reconnaissance suggests hive consists of a Zerg hatchery, several drones, and closely placed sunken and spore colonies as well as a spawning pool and evolution chamber. Available Ghost units in the area have not been called up yet. Reasons for delay have been submitted as follows: more time required to acquire cloak suits for Ghost units as well as implementation of ocular implants. According to Lieutenant Von Sonzo, it is quoted "Anything less would be screwed up and suicidal." Experimentation put on delay until Ghost units are ready. Hive will be placed on constant observation until experimentation can begin.

Field Report entry 2: filed by "QWERTY"

Some 78 hours has passed since the archiving of last report. Ghost units are reported as ready and have arrived at predetermined drop point. Targeted hive has not grown since last report, however, more Zerg creatures are in the area. More Zerg Overlords have been sighted and will make the implementation of this experiment difficult. Numerous hostile Zerg creatures have also been spotted. No estimates are available for the number of hostile entities. First trial set to begin in a few minutes.

Lieutenant Von Sonzo has described the situation as an irritation in the gluteus maximus. Nearby Overlords detected the cloaked Ghost units which were subsequently attacked by nearby Zerg hostiles, usually hydralisks. One Ghost unit has been lost under such conditions and was unable to designate drop area with the laser light. Current procedures have been to call off as the Alchemist irradiates passing Overlords.

Field Report entry 3: filed by "QWERTY"

Requests for Valkyrie and Wraith air support has been denied. Reasons for denial as follows: due to the nature of experiment, the number of units involved must be kept to a minimum. To the best of our knowledge, most Overlords have been irradiated and are gone. There is no confirmation that all Overloards have been exterminated. This hypothesis can not be confirmed as there are Zerg Spore colonies that hamper exploration. Second Ghost targeting attempt set to begin in five minutes.

Nuclear drop attempt designated as a failure. Reasons are as follows: failure of nuclear payload to reach target due to death of Ghost. Death caused by Hydralisk needle spines due to failure of Ghost to cloak himself. Ghost was able to target area with laser light, but subsequent death of Ghost disrupted sequence. Nuclear warhead burned up upon re-entry of the atmosphere.

Field Report entry 4: filed by "QWERTY"

Third targeting attempt set to begin in five minutes. Lieutenant Von Sonzo's attitude can be safely classified as "extremely agitated"

Nuclear drop attempt designated as a failure. Reasons are as follows: failure of nuclear payload to reach target due to death of Ghost. Death caused by rapid germination, growth and violent eruption from body due to a Queen's broodling attack. Ghost was killed instantly and the carcass produced two Broodlings. Broodlings subsequently attacked nearby support Ghosts who sustained a few injuries. Medics are currently attending to them. Launch sequence of the nuclear payload was disrupted and the warhead crashed harmlessly nearby. Zerg have been observed using nuclear material to further mutate themselves.

Lieutenant Von Sonzo's attitude can now be classified as "pissed off."

Field Report entry 5: filed by "QWERTY"

Experiment significantly delayed due to sudden change in circumstances. More resources required to replenish supplies of Nuclear warheads as well as expansions in supply depots.

Further setbacks include the destruction of the dropship that was destroyed by an attack wing of scourges. All Ghosts have been lost. Requests for replacement Ghosts and dropship have been sent. Crewmen have been sent to repair damages to the Alchemist. Von Sonzo is also in need of medical attention due to injuries sustained to his hand in a highly charged, aggressive outburst where he damaged a system monitor. Von Sonzo's average profanity usage has increased 156 percent in the past 24 hours as well.

Field Report entry 6: filed by "QWERTY"

All supplies and necessary personnel are in place. Fourth targeting attempt scheduled to take place in five minutes. Minor note: quick scan of replacement Ghosts show heightened levels of adrenaline, heart rate and anxiety. Von Sonzo's average profanity usage has only decrease .02 of a percent in the past hour.

Cloaked Ghost was able to successfully live long enough to allow the complete guidance and drop of Nuclear payload. The designated target was the Zerg hatchery. However, sensors report Zerg hatchery still showed living vital signs after Nuclear drop and was only severely injured by the attack. Lieutenant Von Sonzo's immediate observation was quoted as follows: "That is seriously screwy." The Lieutenant's immediate profanity usage increased by another 200 percent.

Surviving Ghost had to be placed under protection of an active defensive matrix as, despite still being cloaked, was able to be assaulted by a Hydralisk for unknown reasons. Ghost barely managed to survive.

Further scanning reports the Hatchery is starting to evolve into a Lair, the second stage of its evolutionary process. Lieutenant Von Sonzo is requesting immediate termination of experiment and calling in as many battlecrusiers that are available in the area.

After thirty standard minutes, a flight of five battlecruisers arrived and quickly wiped out the Zerg habitation. It must be noted that the flight was able to do it faster than the process it took to launch and successfully guide a single nuclear warhead.

Conclusion: General Recommendations

Filed by Lieutenant Von Sonzo

(Edited heavily by "QWERTY" due to "censorship reasons.")

1: Send in squads of "fouled" siege tanks or battlecruisers

-These will accomplish the job much faster and are probably more economical on the resources. A single warhead just does not seem to cut the "darn" job.

2: Find a more explosive warhead

-You sure you idiots are packing Nuclear explosives in those warheads? I'm pretty "darn" certain that a proper working atomic reaction should wipe out those "darn" living Zerg buildings. I don't give a "darn" about the armor and advanced evolution they've gone through. There is no "foul" reason for them to still be standing after sustaining the wrath of a friggin fusion reaction of several thousand degrees.

3: Preload destination coordinates into an onboard computer to guide the warhead

-Self explanatory. This will certainly speed up the process and help get rid of the sloppy human factor that usually friggin leads to human error on the part of the Ghost units. (Namely dying.) Why does a Nuclear warhead need to be guided by a "foul" laser light anyway? Whose "poppycock" idea was that?

4: Put actual rocket boosters on the warhead

-I have no friggin clue what those "darn" engineers are putting on them warheads, but why does it take so "darn" long for a warhead to land? If the process was faster, we could use it to take out entire swarms of those "foul" beasts before they ever got to our outposts instead of using them on stationary targets that can't walk away from the intended blast site.

5: Go biological

-Standard, thermonuclear and fusion warheads are so friggin 1945 AD. Get those idiot scientists in the academy working and come up with biological weapons. After all, the Zerg are biological and do not wear protective suits. "Heck," their cities feed on that disgusting fluid creep thing. Find a way to poison that. Furthermore, our marines' combat suits already protect them from biological pathogens. Enclosed is a further list of suggestions from historical research if the "darn" scientists can't come up with something nasty to bio-engineer.

-Bubonic Plague: Zerg bleeding in their own lungs and with no known immunity to it. Enough said?

-Smallpox: quick, highly contagious and causes organ death.

-Chickenpox: normally just an annoying childhood problem that was eradicated via vaccination, imagine lurkers, zerglings and hydralisks cutting themselves to death trying to relieve themselves.

-Ebola: Whole hives bleeding out and infecting everything their blood touches, especially transferred via the creep.

-Rabies: Zerg losing their minds and biting each other. A whole hive could wipe itself out.

-Try finding a way to give those "foul" insects seizures. I'm sure it would do numbers on the overlords and subsequent minions below them.

-I'm told the ancient invention called "RAID" worked wonders on smaller bugs. Perhaps we should look into that.