Yo! Welcome to my first Death Note multi-chapter fanfic. Do not be nice.

This was inspired by a picture on deviantART by anime-2000. It's the first one to pop up if you search "Near Mello". Huge thanks to Indigo and Minnituurk, who encouraged me to write this.

Please note that this is unbeta'd. If you see any mistakes, please tell me, and I'll fix 'em.

Title: I have no idea, actually. What I've decided to do is set my iTunes to shuffle and use whichever song comes up first.

Summary: L is too addicted to yaoi to investigate Kira. Who does he send in his place? Mello and Near, o' course! But the catch is, they both need to work together as L – while he watches, for the yaoi. How will things turn out, Kira VS two prodigies of 15 and 13? Lulzy, I hope.

Genre: Humour and romance, with a side of crime. Not much, though. What do you take me for? Ohba?

Pairings: MelloXNear, of course. LXLight to at least the one-sided degree.

Disclaimer: If I owned Death Note, the main charfacters would all have hyperactive personalities and a grudge against tapeworms. They don't, so I don't. Simple.


Chapter One:

Start


Common knowledge at Wammy's House was who was ranked where. Being an orphanage for geniuses to rival each other in the name of becoming L, it wasn't a very friendly atmosphere. Rather than being told the beauty of friendship, love, and empathy, they were told the glories of wealth, self-preservation, competition, and, most of all, L. It was a dog eat dog world, but Wammy's House was more savage than anything on the outside.

The best and brightest of Wammy's House was a pale, white-haired boy, best described as an anti-social freak. As with all the orphans, his true name was unknown – the name he used was Near. Everywhere, awed whispers of Near's triumphs echoes. He was a genius, he was cute, he was practically Clark Kent from all the attention. The only one who could see through the façade was the second best – Mello, the hero of this tale.

Mello was bright – he matched Near's intellect almost perfectly. Likewise, Mello was admired, but in a more intimate manner. Near was untouchable, but Mello was the opposite. Everyone wanted his secrets for study, to hang around him, so they felt one step closer to L.

Sadly, Mello didn't want their desperate attention. When he was storming around Wammy's wearing black leather, chocolate in one hand, gun in the other, prayers were sent to any who tried approaching. They all did once. When the preteens had nightmares, they called in Mello. One look at him sent the monsters running. You have to wonder why, considering how bloody effeminate and blonde he is, but that's how it works out. Only two people weren't scared of Mello – L, of course, and Near.

After who was ranked where, the hatred between Mello and Near was the closest thing to playground gossip. At any time, you could start listening mid-rant and know Mello was bad-mouthing his rival. Robot, albino, freak, inhuman – these four words were his favourite adjectives. When asked of the matter, Near would simply shrug and press pieces of his pure white puzzle together. His indifference doubled Mello's rage, which in turn encouraged Near to ignore him. It was terrible chemistry, and one day, they were going to explode – most likely taking Wammy's House with them.

Mello was going to become L. There was no question about it. Near could try, but one day, he would fail, and fail miserably. Out of the ruins, Mello would emerge, the perfect candidate. To get there, he just might have to bend a few rules.

"Fuck dammit Matt, can't you do it any faster?!"

Rolling his eyes, the red-head's fingers danced over the laptop's keys. Hidden in the storage basement, illuminated only by the screen's glow, he worked on hacking the passwords and firewalls.

"We don't know when Watari's gonna notice it's gone!" Mello added, belting his loyal sidekick.

"Chill, Mels. It's only gonna take longer if you keep yelling," Matt replied, eyes narrowed behind his goggles. "Shut up and each your chocolate."

Scowling, Mello ripped the foil away, taking a nervous bite. It was a stupid move, hacking into Watari's computer. But it was inevitably easier to crack Watari's than L's, and he needed confirmation. The old man was brilliant, yes, but he was kind-hearted and trusting. If there was anywhere his security would lax, it was his own home. Sucks for him that that home was filled with genius orphans desperately competing to do his legacy proud.

"Got it," Matt announced victoriously. "There ain't no computer on Earth I can't hack, and the aliens only get so long."

"Isn't, moron," the blonde corrected testily. "Check the itinerary. See if he's headed for Japan."

Dumbfounded, Matt nodded, obeying without question. That was exactly what Mello liked about Matt. No questions until after. "Yeah, going in three days… but they only just got here!"

Smirking, Mello swallowed his mouthful. "I was right! Get off that computer now, Matt."

"Um… okay… what's going on?"

Containing his excitement with a hunk of chocolate, Mello started to explain. "Kira. You know, that new mass murderer all the Japs've been raving about online?"

"Oh yeah, sexyteenagewasteland mentioned it. Mass murderer, right? Using heart-attacks or something?"

"Yeah, exactly," pausing for effect, he ripped another sliver of silver from his chocolate. "Think about it – the only places reporting this are Japan and America, right? There've been a few Kira killings around London, but think about it. Most of the world's media comes from America – and Japan has a very exclusive media. The fact that they seem to have the most interest and deaths caused by this Kira asshole means they'd get the most reports, right? So Kira's Japanese, isn't he?"

Nodding slowly, Matt glanced cautiously out the door. "Makes sense, but it's a pretty big assumption to make."

"Sometimes you have'ta assume to get anywhere, idiot." Shoving him out of the way, Mello headed off to his room. Matt would return Watari's laptop, and take the blame if caught.

L was going to Japan. There was no question about him investigating Kira – the case was fascinating. Well, he wasn't the only one wanting to get to the bottom of this. Mello was going too. His mind was made up.

Prepare for the worst, L.


Midnight was the perfect time to sneak anywhere – or so criminals often believed. Mello, on the other hand, believed three a.m. was best. Not in terms of breaking out of the orphanage to sneak into town and get drunk, but definitely in terms of running away to Japan to catch a moron mass murderer with a god-complex.

Okay, yeah, it was extremely arrogant to assume he could surpass L at fifteen in a completely unfamiliar setting, but he wasn't getting any closer wasting his time here. No, he was going to go out and get what he wanted.

As he tip-toed past the playroom, Mello was struck with a heavy urge. It involved a certain white puzzle and a box of matches. That could burn down the entire mansion, but there was something he could do. He could take several pieces, thus rendering Near's efforts fruitless. First he loses parts of his precious, attention-consuming puzzle, and then he loses his possible title! It was insult to injury! Maybe Near would even make an expression! The idea was way too appealing to resist now.

Cackling silently to himself, Mello opened the door – with his hand rather than the usual foot. Moonlight pooled on the tiled floor, making Mello feel completely conspicuous. He was black in a world of white. Typical, really… white just had to be the colour associated with perfection. It just had to be the colour of Near. And Near just had to be sitting there, blending in with the perfect white light.

"Dammit… what the hell are you doing here?!" he hissed, desperately suppressing his fury. He couldn't be caught now, not when he was so close to catching L.

Pressing two pieces of the adored puzzle together, the white-haired boy set them in place. Growling, Mello pressed a hand to his head. All the white was making him dizzy.

"I suspected you would pull a stunt like this," Near finally replied.

"As if you know anything," Mello growled, stepping closer. He was so desperate to wrap his hands around the ivory throat. To force Near to show him emotions… there was barely a sweeter victory.

"In future perhaps it would be wise to restrain from discussing your plans so loudly," his rival replied, ever nonchalant.

"Goddammit, would you shut up? It's not my fault you're a creepy stalker!"

"So Mello continues to make unreasonable accusations to satisfy his rage," his rival sighed.

"Can it, creep," the blonde snarled, pulling his gun from the front of his pants. With an elegant twirl, he took aim at Near's bowed head. "Or do you wanna have your brain splattered all over that fucking puzzle?"

"I confess, that is not an event I desire," was the deadpan reply. "However, Mello will not shoot me. He never does. I'm fairly certain he never will."

Growling as the rage within him boiled, Mello's hand clenched desperately around the gun. He wanted to fire so badly. There was nothing he despised more than this condescending freak who refused to surrender his façade of perfection. How sweet it would be to squeeze the life from his rival, to hear Near begging and pleading… wait, that sounded kinda… kinky.

'Go on, kiss him, a voice in the back of Mello's mind insisted. It sounded oddly like Matt. 'It'd be like taking on a Lv. 4 Pidgey with a Lv. 100 Jolteon. You would totally pwn!'

It was tempting. This idea, it was utterly brilliant – Near wouldn't know anything about sexual things! To be honest, Mello didn't have much experience, but there was much competition in regards to his virginity. This was an area Mello would excel in whilst Near would fail.

"Mello should stop stealing Watari's guns."

That voice could only belong to one person. Gasping, Mello leapt away from Near, whirling around to face his idol. As an afterthought, he hid the gun behind his back, pouting innocently. L was a sucker for cute faces, or so the blonde insisted.

To look at L, you wouldn't suspect that he was the world's top three detectives. Actually, you would probably wrap an arm kindly around the speaker's shoulder, offering to drive them back to the funny farm. Dishevelled and ghostly pale, you would swear he was dead, or a basement dweller. Actually, L's room was the basement of Wammy's, and he was always at a computer…

"A-actually, I bought this one," Mello assured nervously. As much as he admired L, he couldn't help but act completely out-of-character around him. It was like a schoolgirl crush, Matt often said, and then ran like hell.

"You are fifteen. How did you purchase firearms?" L pressed, almost mockingly. No, L wouldn't mock him. It was Near's fault.

"…I wasn't gonna shoot, so what's it matter?"

"I told you so."

"MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMMIT NEAR!!" Mello roared, raising his weapon. Sighing, Near sent him a bored look. Oh that son of a - !

Bringing his thumb to his mouth, L studied the two rivals with a gleam of inspiration in his eyes. "Mello, Near. Please stop," the detective requested as he calmly approached. Grumbling, Mello shoved his gun back down his pants. "It is my desire for you both to get along," he paused, considering his words, "as I enjoy yaoi."

Yowie? Wasn't that a mythological version of Big Foot originating in Australia? L enjoys big hairy monsters? What?

"I too enjoy yaoi," Near confessed, twirling a tendril of hair.

"I don't know what yowies have to do with anything," the confused blonde replied hotly, "but there's no way I could ever get along with HIM!"

"Please keep your Catholic opinions to yourself," L replied icily.

Jaw dropping, Mello actually cease to speak. Both detective and possible successor sent him stunned looks, before shrugging it off and discussing how 'kawaii desu' yowies were.

"Indigo's Ocean is one I enjoy."

"I enjoy Ikumak. Sadly, her yaoi has been taken down. But it is late," L concluded finally. Mello hadn't understood a single verb or noun in their entire conversation. Seme? Uke? What in the hell? "You two should be in your bedrooms. Or a bedroom."

"Mello was sneaking out," Near said, piling the puzzle pieces atop the frame, "it was my aim to stop him."

"I wasn't - !"

"What was your goal, Mello?"

It wasn't fair. Everyone took Near's side, and now L was too! Growling, the blonde was forced to reply honestly. L always knew.

"I wanna work on the Kira Case," he announced boisterously. Near would never have the guts to pursue a case like the Kira one. "So can I?"

"No."

Cursing under his breath, Mello put his genius mind to work. The two most likely to succeed L spent a fair time in his presence, to learn his tricks. It had been the case with A and BB before Near and Mello, and it was the case now. Perhaps L was feeling guilty, knowing this environment was driving teenagers to suicide and mass murder. It was worth considering. Right now, Mello needed to exploit L's greatest weakness, and he knew just how.

"I'll give you my chocolate stash," the blonde offered.

L perked. "Yes."

Cheering at the top of his lungs, the leather-clad soon-to-be-successor stuck his tongue out at the rejected all-white brat. "In your face! I told you I'd win! But did you listen? No! You played with that goddamn puzzle, and I'm gonna burn those pieces of crap now!"

"There is one more condition," the detective interrupted, just as Mello reached for the matches. "Near must go as well. You will both work together to catch Kira. I shall investigate the yaoi."

For the second time that night, Mello's jaw dropped, incapable of forming words. Dropping his puzzle into a box, Near curled his hair in response.

'Told ya to kiss 'im.'


And there you have it. I tried to make it serious, but just gave up, hence the style shift.

Dedicated to Indigo's Ocean and Ikumak, who inspired me to write this after I showed them the picture.

Reviews are adored! If you don't tell me what you like and what you don't like, how can I know?

Until next time,

SexySpoonsWillRuleUsAll