Title: More Deadly then the Male

Author: Lell.

Rating: M, for brothels, Tayuya's mouth and just what Tayuya's mouth does. :p

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto and the title is shamelessly jacked from Space's 'Female of the Species.'

Summary: Why Tayuya and brothels don't mix and why Kidoumaru really, really didn't want to know.


Kidoumaru was as blissful as any guy with a trace of testosterone in his blood could be with a girl on each arm. More so because Kidoumaru had six. They all giggled prettily when his fingers roved, the bold one on his upper left leaning in to slide a tongue around the shell of his air.

Yes, God bless brothels. Not that God was particularly likely to bless a den of sin and seduction such as this one, but perhaps the Lord was easier going than everybody thought. Maybe.

"You should lighten up a little, Jirou," he drawled, voice smooth with satisfaction. "Relax – enjoy the scenery!"

Jiroubou, who was regarding the scantily clad woman sidling up to him with all the suspicion he'd give a scorpion, gave a visible twitch at that and glared at his teammate. "Enjoy the—Kidoumaru, these are prostitutes."

"Hey, I'll be whatever you want me to be, big boy," the woman purred, looking up at him from under lazy lids.

Jiroubou just looked scandalised and appealed to the person he'd thought of as sane before this mission. "Kidoumaru!" Then he realised his mistake in having taken his eyes off of the woman for however brief a moment and jerked his attention back to her. "Uh…no thank you."

"Why not?" Kidoumaru wanted to know, not making any efforts to conceal his amused grin. (He was enjoying himself far too much. Watching Jiroubou deal with the blonde bombshell walking her elegant fingers up his chest was almost as much fun as watching that unsuspecting man approach Sakon and Ukon, thinking that they were, a, female and, b, the brothel's 'double deal' of the month.)

"Because we don't have time for this!"

One of the girls pouted up at him and he chucked her under the chin. "Don't worry, sweetheart – I'll have time for you." She smiled, reassured, and snuggled back up against his chest. Then Tayuya stalked down the stairs wearing an open kimono robe, lacy underwear that could only be described as 'scandalous' and veritable gouts of blood. The occupants of the room, prostitute, customer and shinobi alike, fell silent and stared at the seething woman. "Maybe not…" Kidoumaru said when he'd picked his jaw up off of the floor. He sighed with genuine regret and unloaded all six lovelies, giving them each a slap on the rump as a regretful farewell. "Otonin, clear out." His bow to the dumbstruck women was florid. "Ladies – another time perhaps."

Oddly enough, they didn't reply. Maybe the blood had unnerved them. Or the swearing fury who'd been dripping it all over their expensive carpet.

Outside, Kidoumaru caught up with Jiroubou, Sakon and Ukon who were attempting to do the same with Tayuya. The Sound Four's only female member had exited without waiting, dripping curses and blood in equal quantities. Jiroubou was still shell-shocked from his sensory overload within the brothel and Sakon and Ukon were looking at him expectantly and somewhat pointedly.

Kidoumaru sighed and jogged forwards towards Tayuya. Sometimes it felt as if his job in their group was as her keeper.

"Hey, Tayu," he said eloquently when he fell into step with her. "What's the rush?"

The curse words she spewed at him by way of response rolled off of him like water on a duck's back since time had only inured in him an immunity to her foul mouth. Instead of chastising her (as Jiroubou would) or shooting them right back at her (the favoured response of the twins) he just calmly and oh so helpfully pointed out that perhaps she wanted to close that robe of hers because she was causing a few traffic accidents.

Her cheeks burned the same colour as her hair, though whether through embarrassment or anger he wasn't sure, and she finally stopped. "Thanks for not teller me earlier, shithead," she snarled at him, tying the kimono shut.

Kidoumaru felt that his nose probably wouldn't thank him after she'd punched it in for mentioning that a sizeable expanse of her…décolleté was still on view so he didn't say it.

For once, self-preservation outweighed the urge to be a smartass.

He tried again. (One could never accuse him of not being persistent. Many, many things, but not that.)

"Did you have problems getting the target?"

Tayuya sent him a disgusted look and tossed a kunai at him. Where she'd hidden the kunai in her skimpy outfit he didn't know, but he caught it all the same and felt the telltale heartbeat an object had when it wasn't actually an object and was, instead, a person transformed into the semblance of that object. In this case, one of the forerunners in Lightning country's current diplomatic election whose opposition wanted him removed quietly. Not permanently, just quietly. Hence the issue Kidoumaru had with all of the blood Tayuya was sporting like this year's haute couture.

"…please tell me you didn't kill him."

Her second look was even more withering than the last. "I didn't kill him," she said, voice laced heavily with sarcasm.

Kidoumaru rolled his eyes automatically despite the gravity of the situation. "Amendment then, if you're going to be pernickety – please tell me you didn't wound him so badly that he's going to die the moment you release the jutsu."

Her third and final look made snarling wolves look like frolicking chihuahua puppies. "I didn't fucking hurt him at all." At his disbelieving look, she shook her head in exasperation and stopped abruptly. "He was exactly where the contact said he'd be. I walked in. He told me to take off my clothes—shut up, fairies! Then I hit him with the sleeping gas and turned him into a kunai."

"But…the blood…?"

Tayuya's face darkened ominously, but – amazingly – she blushed again. And muttered something unintelligible under her breath.

Kidoumaru frowned. "What was that?"

"Somefuckertriedtopickmeup."

"Come again?"

"SOME FUCKER TRIED TO PICK ME UP!"

"Tourettes," Kidoumaru said pleasantly to a shocked looking passer-by who hurried her young child past the crazy lady wandering around in obvious lingerie and her six-armed friend in a neat, six-armed suit. Then he turned back to Tayuya with a raised eyebrow. "And this led to blood because…?"

Tayuya fidgeted, obviously uncomfortable, but sensing that the only way they'd carry on and allow her to get back to base so that she could get out of these ridiculous clothes was by spilling. "Once I'd captured the target, I was returning to the rendezvous point and he caught me in the corridor. And I was distracted, which meant that the fucker managed to get me on my knees and then…" Here, she fumed for a little bit before continuing. "Then he shoved his shitty little dick in my mouth."

The intake of breath behind him was Jiroubou. The barely repressed snickers were Sakon and Ukon. The stunned silence was very much Kidoumaru's own.

All of a sudden, he had a nasty little suspicion and he really didn't think he wanted to know, but (like a car crash) there was no looking away and he had to ask. "So the blood…?"

Tayuya's crazed grin at this point would have struck fear into the hearts of battle-hardened villains who ate virgin priestesses for lunch each day, such was its ferocity. "Came out of what was left after I bit it off."

The laughter behind him abruptly cut off. Kidoumaru sympathised.

And really wanted to cover his crotch with his hand.

You know…just in case she'd gotten a taste for it.

A daring car driver honked at Tayuya as he sped past and she swore, tugging ineffectually at her collar to try and cover some more of her general chest area.

Previously, Kidoumaru would have taken a chance and leered at the rather welcome sight of Tayuya in red lace and clinging silk. However, right now, Lil' Kidoumaru was a little out of commission.

Kidoumaru didn't think he'd be able to get it up ever again.

"Remind me never to piss Tayuya off again," he heard Sakon whisper to his brother in a terrified undertone.

Kidoumaru agreed. Fervently.

And the car that had honked at Tayuya? Ended up wrapped around a lamppost because the stiletto she'd thrown at its retreating form had smashed through the rear window and knocked the driver out.

Who'd have thought that a girl like Tayuya would be one to help in the fight against lechery?


Author's Notes:

Crackfic, definite crackfic. This is not unduly surprising since it is 2am and I am jetlagged. Yes, blame the jetlag.

Apology One: To any and all males who suffered through that particular image and any sympathy pains it may have elicited…I'm so, so sorry.

Apology Two: To everyone…yeah, I'm sorry - I've sunk to the level of brothels and penis jokes. I can only hope that such a fall isn't permanent.