'I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter

Shhhh everyone! She's coming!'

'Are you sure Minerva?'

'Of course I am. Who else do we know grunts like a stupid troll trying to figure out the answer to a simple sum?'

'Good point'

'Does this mean we have to tolerate another one of her boring meetings?'

'Especially when she talks to us as though we're all little children'

'I hate that!'

'Never fear my dears. I have a cunning plan!'

'A cunning plan?'

'Yes. A plan so cunning that it's been to the University of Cunning, Studied a master degree in cunning and after graduating has become an expert of cunning'

'That cunning eh my dear'


'well what is it? Spit it out!'

Minerva spits out her gum with a scowl and Severus raises one eyebrow with a slightly disgusted expression on his face

'I meant your plan. Not your gum'

'Oh. My bad snivels'


'Alright, keep your wig on. I purpose we, how do they say it? Ah yes, we "pull a sickie"

'She won't fall for it unless she sees blood and vomit'

'And that is exactly what she'll get. Introducing confiscated item number six million, seven thousand, two hundred and seventy-eight, from the weasley items room, the Skiving snack box"

"Is it safe?"

"I think so. Hmmm there are all sorts in here. Who wants a well I do believe they are called Pucking Pastilles?"

"I guess I could be persuaded to take it"

"Good boy Severus"

"Please don't patronise me"

"Would you prefer me to call you snivels?"

"ARGH! Just give me the thing!"

"Hmmmm Rolanda what would you like?"

"I quite like the sound of the fever fudge"

"And I shall have the nosebleed Nougat. Is everyone in positions?"

"My... inner... eye... hic... tells ...me...hic...that... THUD"

"My inner eye is telling me that she's had way too much to drink"

"My inner nose is telling me that"

"Poor Sybill, breathing in all those heavy fumes. Not good for her"

"Hem, Hem. Good Morning boys and girls"


"Please, take a seat"

They sit down putting the sweets in their mouths. Umbridge takes a seat on the throne like chair. As soon as she sits on the plump cushion, a loud farting noise comes from it causing everyone to snigger and Umbridge to go a bright red colour

Hem, Hem. Stop laughing or you're all on PROBATION!"

"Who...Farted...hicIt...Wasn't...me hic was...it?"

"What have we here? Have we been drinking?"

"Well we all drink"

"Really now. Hmmmm the minister will be interested to hear that the teachers drink"

"The students do too. In fact we insist upon it"

"You insist the students drink? Well we will definitely have to change that!"

"But professor everyone needs to drink. You would kill everyone if you banned drinking!"

"Rolanda, I do not permit students or teachers to poses alcohol"

"We weren't on about alcohol you idiot"

"Minerva, what did you call me?"

"I called you a very lovely woman"

"Hmmmm, you are treading on thin ice Minerva"

"That's no way to talk about your carpet"

"GRRRR I wasn't on about the carpet!"

"Urrm headmistress, can I be excused; I think I'm going to be..."

Severus stands up to rush to the toilet but doesn't quite make it and ends up vomiting all over Umbridge's pink suit. She squeals and jumps to her feet

"Dolores, may I go to the hospital wing I'm...feeling...quite...feverish"

"Oh my gosh. My I have permission to go to the ladies I'm afraid I have a bit of a nosebleed"

Minerva stands next to Umbridge and allows some blood to go onto the suit


Umbridge jumps onto her chair to try to avoid all of the fowl substances

"You were all fine a minute ago! What happened?"

"It's...the...illness...Sybill suffered with it...first"

"ILLNESS! What illness?"


"Umbridgeitus, of course, GO, please sort it out"

All the teachers leave, while Umbridge is left standing on her throne. Once outside the door they consume the antidote sweet and are soon back to themselves

"Minerva, how did you obtain that box?"

"Yeah, those twins never leave them about"

"Well, I had a terrible headache one day and I felt slightly feverish and I made the mistake of going up to the Weasley twins and asking if they had anything for a fever, so they gave me a sweet, and guess what"

"It was fever fudge wasn't it?"

"Correct Rolanda, I ended up feeling quite sick and shouting at them at the same time, so after they had given me the antidote, I confiscated it as part of my compensation and on the agreement that I would not inform their mother"

"We should confiscate them more often"

"I agree with you for once snivels"


They walk off down the corridor while Umbridge is in the room still stood on the throne

"Umbridgeitus. I must develop a vaccine for...hey wait a second, UMBRIDGEITUS! YOU'RE ON PROBATION!"