Answering Machine

You've Got Voicemail

Riku arrived home from college a bit later than usual, so it was quite the surprise to him that his older brother didn't beat him home like usual. The older male always arrived home before him, no matter what crazy schedule he had for the day. Riku didn't know how he did it.

He dropped his bag near the door as he slipped off his sneakers. Then he stretched his arms languidly over his head, wondering how much trouble his boyfriend would be in if he were to text him while he was in the middle of class. He chuckled as he imagined the livid expression on the face of his boyfriend's twin brother (Roxas) if he were to do so. It would be wholly worth it to piss off the blond boy, especially after the little act he pulled the day before.

Riku slid his cell phone from his pocket, seriously considering texting his boyfriend. On the one hand, it would seriously piss off Roxas. Then again, he would also get a lecture from his adorable little brunet as well as a ban from eating any of the oldest brother's cookies. Not to mention his own brother wouldn't be terribly happy with him…

"Damn," the curse slipped past Riku's lips before he even realized it. With a sigh, he slid the small device back into his pocket and began his walk through the empty house to the unnaturally clean and empty kitchen.

For a few minutes he busied himself by looking through the noticeably empty cabinets. "Does Sephiroth ever buy groceries?" he muttered as he found an old can of cat food which expired three years previous. "And when the hell did we have a cat?"

Riku soon gave up on finding anything that was edible and wouldn't make him sick and instead wandered around the house looking for something to do while waiting for the clock to strike three-fifteen so he could text Sora.

It was on his sixth trip through the house that he found something to ease his boredom. It was a simple little thing with a plain silver covering and a single blue sequin super-glued on the front.

It was Sephiroth's cell phone.

Riku smirked and picked up the device, nonchalantly flipping it open to see if Sephiroth had forgotten to delete his text messages like always. Instead, he discovered that it was on speaker phone and that there were many voicemails waiting for his brother.

"You have sixty-four new messages."

Riku blinked at the phone once. And then twice for good measure. He considered setting the phone down and finding something else to occupy his time, but curiosity won him over and he was soon laying sprawled across the couch listening to the voicemail message.

It started out simple enough. Actually, it was much like back when they had an answering machine for their home phone line. The first five messages were from Zack, who, in his random glory, kept shoving the phone at other people saying, "Here! You talk to him! I can't talk to him!" After that, there was one message from Cloud and then another seven from Zack. Then Rufus Shinra (Sephiroth's boss), Aerith, Cloud again, another three from Zack, two from Reno (who sounded drunk), one from Tseng (a coworker), two from Zack and Reno, one from Elena (another coworker), three from Reeve (requesting that Sephiroth please get the crazy people out of his house), one from Zack, two from Yuffie, another from Zack, another three from Yuffie, a few more from Reeve, another from Cloud, and so on.

Riku slowly closed the phone and set it down on the couch. He stared at it as if it were about to come to life and start eating his hand or shooting lasers at him like in that Transformers movie Sora made him watch.

"What the hell is wrong with Sephiroth's friends?" he wondered aloud.

The phone moved.

Riku shrieked and leaped up from the couch, diving to the floor in fear. Then he cautiously peaked up onto the couch, where the phone vibrated once again and then fell motionless.

Riku laughed nervously and started to move back up onto the couch, but then the door swung open and he jumped five feet away from the couch and yelled, "I didn't do it!"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow as Riku sprinted out of the room to go hide out somewhere. Then he calmly made his way over to the couch and picked up his single-gem bedazzled cell phone and flipped it open.

"You have sixty-five new messages."

With a smirk, Sephiroth took off the speaker phone and lifted the device to his ear. It took some time to get through all of the messages, but once he got through all of them (saving his favorite ones) he calmly closed the cell phone and turned to walk back out the front door.

'That'll teach him to mess with my phone.'

Sephiroth's Voicemail

"Heeeey, Seph! Guess what I'm doing! Oh, shi--" -beep!-

"It's me again. You know - Zack. So, um, you're not answering your phone again! What if this was something important! What if I was on fire?! I- you- arg! I can't talk to you! Here! Hey, you! You talk to him!" clicking noise " Uh, hello? This is, uh, Cissnei. Zack apparently doesn't want to talk to you about, er, something. I don't really know what…. Is anyone there? Goddammit, Zack!" -beep!-

"Sephiroth! I called you, like, an hour ago? Where the hell are you and -- no, never mind. I don't want to know. You're a jerk! I'm your best friend and you never even call me back! I can't talk to you anymore! You! You talk to him!" clicking noise (again) "What the hell, man? Who the fuck am I t--? Sephiroth? Sweet! Hey, Sephy-poo, gues who! Ha ha, I just rhymed, yo. Hey, yeah, you know that thing? … Are you there? Seph? Za~ack!" -beep!-

"Hey, its me again. Damn. I forgot why I was calling." -beep!-

"I know what you did last weekend!" -beep!-

"Sephiroth, it's Cloud. Do you remember where we put that rope? Call me back." -beep!-

"I have a little cho-co-bo and his name is Cloud!" ­-beep!-

"Listen, if Tseng calls and asks where I am, tell him I've been with you all day." -beep!-

"I swear I didn't do it!" -beep!-

"Umm... I think I just sold Cloud on ebay..." -beep!-

"Remember how you told me to never dress in drag? Well..." -beep!-

"-funny story, really. And, oh- hey Seph! It's Zack and I'm gonna hang with Reno for a bit. He says he has a foolproof plan and I'm bored so, yeah. Talk to you later, bye!" -beep!-

"Say, hypothetically speaking, how lethal is swallowing a whole jug of bleach?" -beep!-

"Sephiroth, do remind Zack that the company bathrooms are, in fact, public and are therefore not good places to molest unsuspecting cadets and Cloud. Also, your desk has been repaired." -beep!-

"Hello, Sephiroth. This is Aerith. I thought you should know that Zack just came in and ordered fifty flowers to be delivered to your office. I would have stopped him, but a new guy was out here and didn't know better... so I'll see you at dinner, alright?" -beep!-

"I found the rope, but it appears that Zack escaped the closet before I could tie him up. Call me if you see him anywhere." -beep!-

"...-for the love of all that is good and holy don-...!" -beep!-

"So apparently it wasn't bleach, but moonshine. My bad!" -beep!-

"You know, I didn't think you could actually run into automatic doors but Reno just proved me wrong. I'll show you the pictures later." -beep!-

"Heeeeey there, Sephy! Before you ask, no, I didn't get your number from Zack or Cloud. Or Aerith. Not even Yuffie. No, I got it from Tseng's office! See, and you said-- whoa! The ceiling's spinning! That can't be- blaaarg!" -beep!-

"Guess where I'm at. That's right! I'm in the shower!" -beep!-

"...that is not the proper use for an E.M.R., Reno! Ahem. Sephiroth, I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your subordinate on your side of the building. If not, I'm afraid I may have to shoot him. Good day." -beep!-

"You! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar--" Giggling from Zack and Reno is heard. -beep!-

"Heeey, Seph. It's me and Reno. Yeah. Remember that Shinra water tower I swore I'd never defile? Well… I think we got a little carried away…" -beep!-

"Sir, this is Elena. Your office is on fire." -beep!-

"Sephiroth, this is Reeve from the WRO. It appears Reno and Zack have broken into my apartment. I'd greatly appreciate it if you would come get them." -beep!-

"It's Reeve again. Reno and Zack just got into my tequila. Please come get them. Reno won't stop humping the television and Zack… Oh my shit! Zack, what the hell are you doing?!" -beep!-

"Sephiroth, it's Reeve again. Come get Zack and Reno now or I might have to take drastic action. They're painting inappropriate things on the walls." -beep!-


"Hi, it's me, Yuffie. Is there any reason why Reeve just dumped Zack and Reno off in Wutai? Its just that it's a real pain. You don't wanna know the damage they caused last time. Anyway, call me back!" -beep!-

"It's Yuffie again. If Reno says anything about a Wutaian transvestite, I swear it wasn't me!" -beep!-

"So, I'm at Golden Saucer and am handcuffed to Reno. I'm thinking this isn't good." -beep!-

"You won't believe what I found in Zack's sock drawer!" -beep!-

"And it's not a condom!" -beep!-

"And, well, remember that time I told you I didn't know where your video camera went? Why don't you ask Zack and Cloud what happened to it… That wasn't what was in his sock drawer, by the way." -beep!-

"I took Reno and Zack to Wutai. And do inform Tseng that I expect to receive new paint for my walls within the next few days. I'm not sure how much longer I can't look at the crude language on my walls." -beep!-

"Also, one of them painted a giant phallus on my bathroom wall." -beep!-

"I don't care what Zack says, I am not a pervert and I do not own a large collection of pornography!" -beep!-

"I'm not wearing pants, I have Yuffie's bra on, and something is licking my leg." -beep!-

"Scratch that, it's Zack who's licking my leg." -beep!-

"Seph, it's Angeal. I'm calling to let you know that Genesis is the one who set your office on fire. He claims it's because you're too tall." -beep!- (1)

"Hello, it's Aerith again. Could you remind Zack and Cloud that dinner is at six and that they need to be on their best behavior? You three are meeting my parents, after all. Thanks!" -beep!-

"I got a call from Reno saying he was sexually harassed by a transvestite in Wutai and ended up handcuffed to Zack Fair…" -beep!-

"Um… it's Axel…. Don't tell Cid but I might have accidentally set his gummi ship on fire… oh… and Sora's in the hospital. Yeah." -beep!-

"It's Axel again. Just thought you'd like to know that Sora's alright. But… have you seen Reno?" -beep!-


"U-uumm.. Sephiroth? Can you tell Riku these people are trying to… NO! DON'T STICK THAT THERE N--" -beep!-

"Eh, Seph? It's Reno… do you think humping the television will cause low sperm count?" -beep!-

"And I swear it wasn't your television this time!" -beep!-

"It was Tseng's." -beep!-

"Yuffie did it!" -beep!-

"I wanna know what the real meaning of 'fuck' is!" -beep!-

"What exactly do home movies mean to you, Sephiroth?" -beep!-

"If Rufus asks, I so did not steal that helicopter!" -beep!-

"Someone pissed in my beer!" -beep!-

"Oh my fuck! Who let a bear in the house, huh?" -beep!-

"That transvestite, yeah… umm… turns out it was Kadaj." -beep!-

"The bear stole my moonshine!" -beep!-

"Is there a reason why I'm surrounded by whips, chains, and a thousand pictures of Cloud?" -beep!-

"Turns out, Axel's closet is not a happy place. It's a scary bad place. Don't go in there. Like, ever. Okay, yo?" -beep!-

"Hey Sephiroth… I saw your penis in a bag of cereal today!" -beep!- (2)

"Hey Seph, I want you to tell what it sounds like being humped by Reno, okay?" -beep!-

"I dropped my phone in the toilet and it still works! Neat!" -beep!-

"Sephiroth, this is Tseng. If you see Reno and Zack before me, do inform them that I know what they did with that helicopter and that I am not happy. Also, if Rufus finds out they were involved in a high speed chase again, he will shoot them. And then I'll bring them back to life so I can shoot them." -beep!-

"The doctor told me humping the television won't lower sperm count… so guess what I'm doing tonight!" -beep!-


So, this is the last chapter of Answering Machine. See, I figured it needed to actually include an answering machine. Or at least a form of one. Voice mail is pretty much the same thing.

I had my friend Siriusderomanus help me with the messages, which is probably why two of our running jokes ended up in here.

(1) Genesis saying that Sephiroth is too small. See, I imagine Seph as being the tallest of the 1st classes and since Genesis is always fighting with him, it'd piss him off if Sephiroth was even two inches taller.

(2) The generic lucky charms... one of the shapes... oh, deity. Somehow it became a running joke from "Random Chat" for Zack to tease Sephiroth about the marshmallows being his... yeah.