"Ah! Hello, sensei! It's a wonderful day, isn't it?"
Nozomu Itoshiki stared at the student who greeted him, who happened to be the terrifyingly optimistic girl Kafuka (penname), before suddenly breaking eye-contact. "Fool," he said.
Then the teacher looked up again and continued, "Don't you know this is a fanfiction?!" while throwing an arm down so that the sleeve went swishy-swish. "You can't just carelessly talk like on a TV or a radio! You have to let the readers know what you're doing with very descriptive writing!"
Cue opening theme, starting with drum solo.
"Bure bure bure bure
"Bure Bu-" Nozomu quickly unplugged the sound system that the opening was blasting out of. They wouldn't really need sound right now anyways, since this is a fanfiction. "No! There aren't any openings for fanfictions! And isn't this one terribly outdated?!"
"Mooou, I really like the song though," pouted Kafuka, who was just about to spontaneously dance. It was a good dance. Especially that part right around 'suteki' or 'tsuteki' or whatever it was. The All-Powerful Authoress and Local Goddess of this Fanfiction does not know the word. "By the way, should we tell the others that this is a fanfiction?"
"No need, we all heard," said Chiri suddenly appearing out of nowhere, along with the rest of the cast behind her.
"That's terribly convenient," Nozomu observed before looking around blankly. "By the way, does anybody know exactly where we are? The setting hasn't been described yet."
Oh fine. The class and their teacher were all just outside the drab and very uninteresting school, having stopped on their way in. The dirt path they were on led to the thick double doors of the school (where else?) and was lined by several trees on either side. The trees just happened to be cherry blossom trees and there just happened to be a slightly strong wind blowing so cherry blossom petals swirled around in the air and danced about the student's heads in a rather cliché manner that was always in at least one scene in every anime.
"What about me?" complained Nozomu.
And danced about the students and teacher's heads.
"It's autumn. This isn't the proper season for cherry blossom petals swirling around," Chiri said, with all the air of one who would get very irritated soon if this mistake wasn't fixed.
Alright, jeez. Fine. If you didn't want pretty cherry blossoms, just say so.
So, no pretty pink and absolutely beautiful petals fell and danced and spun around and graced the large group with their presence. Instead, a strong and chilly wind blew on them and they all shivered because they were all dressed for spring. Kaere, who was wearing an especially short skirt that day, thought she should have at least worn some stockings and did her mandatory panty flash which none of you will be seeing because this is a fanfiction. Everybody immediately continued their way into the school which was a lot warmer than outside.
"Now everybody," Nozomu said once all the students had settled down into their regular seats. For some reason, the chalkboard sported the words 'It's a beam!' in small letters right under Nozomu's arm. "I'm sure you are all aware that this is a fanfiction now and changes have to be made. You all can't just talk and expect the readers to be satisfied with just that. And they will want you to speak in perfect grammar and spelling as well, so no slacking off. Because the readers can't see you, your movements have to be described. Yes Maria?"
The cute little adorable illegal immigrant dropped her small arm and asked, "Do we have to describe our bowel movements?"
"I think they would ask you not to describe those," Nozomu replied calmly. Years of working with these students that inexplicably always got held back every year paid off. He was no longer fazed by any of their antics. Most of the time, anyways.
"Ah, don't worry. I'm very used to being descriptive," said Harumi, the local mangaka of the class. She casually crossed her long legs under the wooden desk and her torso slid forward a little. She was leaning against an elbow and as she shifted her position, she moved her other arm forward so that her hand was behind the elbow and that the elbows were almost perpendicular. Her skirt lifted a little, but did not show anything beyond her slick and thin thighs and she stared seductively with her luscious brown eyes at her teacher behind her thin glasses which –
"Wait, that's too descriptive," Nozomu interrupted. "We don't want to know that much information. People will get bored." Harumi didn't seem to be very insulted though, and just smiled. "Yes, that's better. You don't have to go into detail how your smile is shaped lovely or how your lips contrast very well with your skin or how – "
"It sounds like you're complimenting her facial features now, sensei…" Matoi said from under Nozomu's large teacher desk. She stared up enviously, something that she was very good at doing, being a stalker and all. It was the kind of stare that other people had to practice for years in front of a mirror. It was a very penetrating stare and Nozomu hated it when the stalker-girl stared at him like that because it made him uncomfortable and he was very certain that it was often focused on his groin, seeing that from her position, Matoi couldn't see his face unless he bent down.
"A-anyways! This is the first chapter of the fanfiction, which means it's the introduction. Many readers will be expecting a lot out of this, okay? So do your best! Or else The Authoress will not get a lot of reviews and will take it out on us!" That's right, I will be very depressed if not a lot of reviews come. That's the thing with being a fanfiction writer; you really want reviews, but there's a lot of people who don't like giving reviews or just don't feel like it and so don't, not realizing the impact that can have on a story. "We need to give the reader the general idea about what this fanfiction is going to be about and who the characters – that's us – are and maybe get some foreshadowing too."
"But sensei," Nami piped up from her seat. "There's too many characters to describe, plus, this fanfiction is so far, very pointless. I don't think there is even a plot. What are we supposed to foreshadow?"
"That's a good, but very normal point," Nozomu responded, ignoring Nami's cries of 'Don't say normal!' "Of course, it's not exactly a normal point, but since you're such a normal girl, I had to emphasize that with the readers. Nami is a normal girl! There, I think they got the idea.
"Well, I guess this really doesn't have a plot. It's probably more like a creative rant by The Authoress on whatever her whim is. And I guess we can describe all the characters as we go along. But we have to at least describe the absolute main characters by the end of this chapter.
"And there's a lot of things we can foreshadow, like this: I'm going to commit suicide now." And with that, Itoshiki Nozomu took out a very nicely made noose from somewhere in his desk, tied it around somewhere nearby, maybe a very well-placed rafter, and hung himself without even a good-bye.
Nobody was very fazed, and Kudo spared a few seconds from the book he was currently reading to say, "Sensei, that's not how foreshadowing goes. It's more discreet." He then continued reading.
"He's right, sensei. That was very blunt. Foreshadowing is very subtle and hard to notice unless the reader is really looking out for it. If you want to foreshadow your suicide, then it should go more like…hm…" Chiri thought for a moment, tilting her head so that her long black hair fell about one shoulder. Then she took over for The Authoress for a few seconds to make a proper example of foreshadowing.
Nozomu was feeling especially depressed today. He found everything in life to be disappointing, or at least more disappointing than usual, and so wallowed about in a somewhat disheartened stupor, thinking how the world can be so horrible.
The high-school teacher hung himself on a nearby tree and died.
"There, something like that," said Chiri satisfactorily, standing back near her seat now that she had stop playing pretend-Authoress. "Though there should be more between the two paragraphs…I should fix that…" There was a brief scuffle and the girl that just had to have everything just right was sent back by the all-powerful Authoress with a warning that if she ever tried to take over again, she'd end up somewhere horrible, maybe in a gutter, with something like a knife or something in her stomach, along with her hair un-straightened for all eternity, even at her funeral.
Nozomu gurgled, as apparently the noose was not as good as he thought and he was spending an awful long time dying and it was very painful and he couldn't bring himself to signal his students to quickly cut him down. By a stroke of luck, a very small thunderstorm floated into the classroom and a small lightning bolt with all the power of a full-sized lightning bolt divided by a million struck and burned the rope so Nozomu fell to the floor with only a mildly bruised neck and his usual traditional hakama on fire. Other than that, he was pretty much unharmed.
Although it would be very flashy and a very cool way to die of being set on fire by a ridiculously small lightning bolt, Nozomu decided to continue living and started rolling around on the floor. Or maybe he was simply reacting naturally to many childhood years of being exposed to the phrase 'Stop, Drop, and Roll'. Either way, he was soon up again at his desk.
"I failed to die again," he sighed unhappily.
"Sensei, you could have just decided to burn to death," one of the obscure and unimportant students pointed out. Nozomu carefully and skillfully ignored this comment.
"I believe this would be around a half-way point in a normal anime episode. Because this is a fanfiction and not an anime, we cannot show any fan-service clips of Komori-san or Chie-san or anything. I just want to say that." He probably said that to lower the popularity of this fanfiction in hopes I would kill him off in anger or depression. Ha! No such luck. "Curses, foiled again," Nozomu said in that really corny villain type of voice.
"Sensei, are we actually going to learn anything today?" another obscure and unimportant student asked.
"No." Of course, Itoshiki Nozomu usually never taught anything in his class. Or at least, anything useful. This is probably the reason why everybody in his class keep repeating the year. "The Authoress is getting tired of writing this Introduction Chapter so she wants to just finish this off now with the character descriptions. I think we'll just start off with describing who was introduced in this chapter, except for those obscure and unimportant guys in the back who will probably never show up ever again."
This of course, caused a lot of protests from the characters who have not shown up in this fanfiction yet, but I will ignore them all because it is currently almost midnight and it's a school night and I'm supposed to be asleep by now and no, I will not go get a good night's sleep and continue whenever I have the time.
Okay, I'm back.
"About time," Meru complained, although she didn't say it, she typed it up on her cellphone with amazingly speedy fingers.
"You may have gotten a good night's sleep, but we had to wait for you to finish this stupid chapter," Abiru sighed, although it would have been even painful to talk because of her recent chest injury.
Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll just finish this up now. Mandatory character descriptions go!
-Due to complaints, PMS, and a tiger mauling, the mandatory character descriptions will not be shown this chapter. We apologize for the inconvenience.-