Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, if I did I would be rich and not writing fan fiction

Chapter 12: Bada Bing

Dumbledore was far from pleased. Harry had numerous DARK animals and because of their statuses as rare and/or endangered species he could do nothing about getting rid of them. Even the ones that endangered students. This not only greatly angered the old wizard, but confused him. The magical government had NEVER been accommodating to animals of a magical nature. The way Goblins and Centaurs were treated was more than proof of this. Yet, now, at Hogwarts, animal rites suddenly took priority. He just couldn't explain it. What could possibly cause the ministry to suddenly care so much for magical animals?

"So, if I sign this I get a raise?" Minister Fudge was looking down on a large pile of paperwork and he really didn't feel like reading all of it.

"Oh yes," his new advisor prompted, "It will come strait away and directly into your account."

"Very well. This is for the good of the people after all." With a flourish, Fudge signed the bill and handed it over to his new advisor.

"Of course sir. That your job after all." The eye-patched man picked up the pile of papers and left the room to go file them, his black and light blue robes billowing out behind him.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts gave a sigh. He doubted he'd be able to find the person responsible, but if he did...

"At least young Mr. Malfoy's Dragon can be easily gotten rid of." An owl flew in and dropped a scroll on the old man's desk. "What's this?" Opening it, Dumbledore wanted to cry. The Minister had just approved a law that allowed his students to own Australian Reds as pets. Putting his head down on his desk, Dumbledore wondered when things had become so complicated.

A rustling of papers drew Dumbledore's attention. Looking up, Dumbledore was shocked to see a little Jackalope sitting on his desk. They were supposed to be native to the Americas only. Sure, they had their cousins, the Wolpertinger, but not Jackalopes. Twinkling at the little animal, Dumbledore spoke in a gentle voice, "Well hello little one. What are you doing here?"

The Jackalope rose onto its haunches and cocked its head in a curious manner. Then it did something quite shocking; it jump kicked the old man in the chest, sending him out of his chair and into the wall behind his desk. The Jackalope then gave a little victory screech, "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!" and ran off into the Castle.

Hagrid raised an eyebrow at Dumbledore. He loved the old guy like a father, but this was pushing it, "A Jackalope attacked ye?"

"Yes! Then it said, "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!", and ran off!" Dumbledore looked around in a paranoid fashion.

"Well..." Hagrid seemed pensive, "I don' knew 'bout it. Don' know much 'cernin Jackalopes. 'ems tings ain't from 'round 'ere."

"I see." Dumbledore looked uneasy, "Please get me Professor Kettleburn."

As Hagrid left the office Dumbledore continued his paranoid search of the immediate area. He KNEW that creepy little thing was still around here somewhere. And probably up to no good.

Snape was, officially, relieved. That damned Scorpion hadn't found him recently and that was cause for some celebration. The greasy man pulled out a bottle of fire whiskey and chugged down half of it. A half that he instantly vomited back out.

"Good Lord!" The Potions teacher spat, "That was foul! That tasted like the stuff I was going to slip in...to...Longbottom's...oh Bugger."

As the dark, greasy, bastard of Hogwarts began to swell up, a pair of mischievous eyes twinkled in the shadows.

Out in the forbidden forest there was an...odd meeting happening.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! For the love of God, let me go you evil, vile, thing!"

Filch was hanging upside down from a tree, wrapped in spider web. The culprit? Marry.

The spiderish girl scowled. This human was of no help. No mater how she tried communicating with him, he just kept screaming. A rustling noise caught her attention. Turning quickly, she froze at what she saw. He was at least half the size of Daddy Aragog and looked three times meaner. His forward limbs were large claws and his body ended in a long tail, tipped with a stinger.

Being fluent in all arachnid languages, Marry perfectly understood what he said, "Well hellooooooo."

Back in Hogwarts, Vicious was on the prowl. His beloved from the hut was sent off to some sort of a reserve and was unaccessible to him. But that mattered little. He could smell a new beloved. Granted, this one was only part Dragon, but still, she would do. Licking his lips in anticipation, Vicious entered the Gryffindor dorms.

All three of Sam's heads shot up at once. There was someone nearby. Someone with an unhealthy obsession with his mother. Being over protective sons, they couldn't let this happen. Sneaking from the nest, so as not to wake Hedwig, Sam advanced toward the smell of the intruder. The little three-headed reptile paused when the door began opening. Before the intruder could see him Sam ducked under his Mother's Human's bed. When the intruder entered Sam gave of three soft snarls. It was the pale Human's little Dragon Whore. As the whore approached the bed, Sam let out three jets of ice and froze the little rapist solid. Sam came out from under the bed and eyed the ice sculpture before him. Then, placing himself on the opposite side of Vicious and the dorm's window, he gave the little Dragon a mighty smack with his tail flipper. As the iced up Dragon went sailing through the window and into the lake outside, Sam crawled back into the nest and went to sleep.

Hedwig cracked open an eye and looked at her son. He was such a good boy, defending his Mother's honor like that.

George was also watching this. He was impressed. The little ice spitter was more intriguing than he thought. Maybe hanging around these idiots was worth while after all.

Draco had been wandering around the Dungeons looking for Vicious. The little red menace was no doubt looking for a new Dragon to fight. Draco had never anticipated that Dragons could wrestle. What an odd concept. It must mean that his Dragon was exceptionally powerful; the looks that Hagrid fellow kept giving the little monster were obviously of fear. Humph. His Dragon was superior to all of Potter's pets.

Going around a corner, Draco came across something odd. It was a giant ball...of fat. There were black robes lying around the ball and a half full bottle of Fire Whiskey. Weird. And that sound...almost like a muffled scream. How odd. Wandering away, Draco decided maybe he should turn in for the night.

Albus Dumbledore was finally calming down and preparing for bed. He hadn't seen the Jackalope again and was fairly sure it was gone. Walking up to his large, ornate, bed, the Headmaster threw back the covers and let out a shriek. There, on his bed, was the Jackalope.

The antlered Rabbit rose onto its hind feet and took up a crane stance. "Hoooooyaaaaaa!!" And it Jumped up and spun kicked Dumbledore in the head. Before the Headmaster passed out he heard these words, "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!"

Back out in the Forbidden Forrest, Marry was having a fascinating conversation.

"So, should I eat your human first, or you?"

Okay, a terrifying conversation.

"H-how about neither?"

Spike, as he had introduced himself to be, clicked one of his claws closed. "Mmmm, no, not an option. Can't let the others thinking I'm going soft."

"O-others?" 'Buy time, buy time.' The she spider was glancing around, franticly looking for an escape rout. She had no doubts, she could not defeat this creature. On her own.

"Yes," Spike responded, "There is the Black Fuzzy One; she thinks she is Alpha, HA! Then the Flying Silver One; she's not so bad, wish I could eat her though. She looks tasty. Then the Three Head; stupid little cold breather. And now, the Dark Flier. He's sorta my fault. I was trying to look dominate in front of The Petting Monkey."

"P-pep-pet-ting M-mon-nkey?" 'More time, more time, more time. He's almost here.'

Spike turned the front portion of himself slightly, as if thinking, before answering, "You're stalling. Why? It's not like you'll get away from me."

"She was stalling," A booming voice answered him as Aragog broke through some trees, fallowed by many of his children, "so I could get here before you had a chance to harm her."

Spike turned to Aragog and slowly spread his claws wide, his stinger coming high, "Oh good, a fight."

To be continued...

Will Spike win?

Will anyone realize what happened to Snape?

Will Draco finally understand what Vicious was doing?

Will Vicious survive his fall?

Will George have more than a bit-part?

What will become of Filch?

What is Jack Ching Bada Bing (I don't own) doing at Hogwarts?

Will I stop asking stupid questions?

Find out next time on: Harry's Pets