Disclaimer: One Piece isn't mine.
Warnings: ZoSan or SanZo, that sort of gist. Also, minor embarrassment/humiliation of the guys.
On with the tale!
At dinner for the past few nights, the marimo had been looking like someone had used his haramaki as a substitute for toilet paper. And it didn't look as though his mood was going to improve anytime soon. Especially as even Luffy was avoiding the swordsman for fear of being on the receiving end of his apparent sense of humor failure.
Sanji had gone out of his way to make all of Zoro's favorite dishes that evening, and had even sat beside him to fend off Luffy when the captain tried to steal the swordsmans portions on one of his braver (or was that foolish?) moments. Even slipping Zoro a third serving didn't put the man in a better mood. The blond had known better than to ask him to help with the dishes that night. Long nose could do it, at least two of them could keep out of the moody guys way doing that. The other's would have to fend for themselves.
It was a few hours after the cook had finished doing the weekly stocktake and departed for the mens bunk room, that he realised that not all parties were present in the sleeping quarters. Luffy, Chopper and Franky were snoring in a disturbing harmony that was a mellow background to Brookes gentle 'yohohooo' that seemed to coincide with the motion of the ship as it rolled on the waves. Two were notable by their absence.
He knew Usopp was on watch that night, so the girls would be in their bedroom, so that left Zoro.
So where was the marimo? Obviously not up in the gym, Usopp, being on watch, wouldn't stay in the crows nest if Zoro was up there exercising himself into a frenzy. So where else would he be? He'd locked the galley, so there would be no chance of any 'midnight-sleepwalking-snack-fests' that Luffy was often prone to. And he knew from previous observations that the green haired man wouldn't bother breaking in somewhere if it resulted in a earfull from Namiswan and a steep increase to his debt.
Curiosity began to nibble temptingly at him, encouraging him to look for the miserable bastard to see what it was that was driving him to distraction. Specifically to moody and sullen distraction.
Though Sanji loved the Sunny, he had to confess that finding someone on the now larger ship, meant that it took a good hour to find someone if you had no idea where they were and couldn't summon them with a scream because everyone was asleep. Therefore a logical search was in order. He wasn't in the bunk room or the galley, and he wouldn't be in either Franky's workshop or Usopp's Factory. That left the aquarium and the library, but not the girls bunk room or the crows nest. It also left the bathroom and the toilet, as well as Nami's map room (which Sanji knew Zoro thought he had a good stash of sake but Nami had sold it soon after), the upper decks and the docking system below decks.
So he decided to go to the aquarium, as he knew the Marimo had a habit of meditating there when there was the lull after lunchtime. When he arrived though, there was only an octopus attached to the window, glaring at him pointedly. He shrugged and moved on.
As he walked through the ship he contemplated all that could be bothering the meathead. Was it the swordsmans time of the month? He snickered as he lit up a cigarette. Was it because he was pissed that he'd missed a few days training because he was unconcious? That was probably it. Though it may have been more about how Zoro hadn't fully recovered and had accidentally let it show during their fight with the flying fishmen and his...ugly poster thing double, Doofus? Dougal? Duval? Doovie?
It was after Sanji had checked the bathroom that he realised he'd been trailing ash everywhere, and, much to his almost but not quite annoyance remembered how soundly his lovely Namiswan had scolded him for it. A trip to the closet was in order, there was an invention of Usopp's in there that both swept and held the dirt. If he was careful he wouldn't have to empty it.
And in that closet Sanji found not only his patented Usopp Cleaning device, but one very irritated looking swordsman, who, as Sanji stood there dumbstruck, was getting increasingly more vexed as the blond stood there, mouth agape.
"If you don't mind shit cook." It wasn't actually a question, and if Sanji hadn't been well versed in marimo-ese then he'd have completely missed the 'fuck off' inflection that was the true meaning of that statement. He straightened himself up and decided against lighting another cigarette.
"And, pray tell dear Roronoa, what are you doing, using a closet of all places for such an act?" He tried to keep the shit-eating-grin off of his face but when Zoro's ear's and neck went that particular shade of red he just couldn't help himself.
"You know what the hell I'm doing, I'm just wondering why you're still here."
Sanji grinned. And that sentence, he noted, was roughly translated as 'fuck off, I'm having a private moment you fuckwit'. He shrugged and reached forwards, deliberately brushing against the swordsman as he plucked his quarry. The vaguely offended sounding gasp that resulted only made his smirk widen.
He leaned back and rested absently against the broom thing and cocked his head to the side. He had the swordsman cornered and with his pants down, he couldn't ask for a better situation with which to pry the truth from the marimo's stubborn lips.
"Now, what's crawled up your arse and died a martyrs death Zoro? Did a few days of missed training get your goat?"
A glare and that good old fashioned brand of Zoro-style tenacity was his answer.
"Okay, that's a no. How about this? You had a bit of a relapse when we were disposing of flying fishmen a few weeks back? Was that what put a kink in your armour?"
That glare again. Interesting. So it was neither. What could it possibly be then? To wind the swordsman up to this irritation level, it had to be something pretty personal.
"If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" The query caught him off-guard but he covered it with a raised eyebrow.
"Sure, if you continue your business in the toilet like us normal fellows." That got a roll of the eyes and a shrug. Zoro made to close the door but Sanji stuffed a foot against it and in the position Zoro was in he couldn't budge it at all.
"Spill. My lips are sealed."
Zoro shifted and hitched up his trousers, tucking himself in and buckling the belt. With the hiss of a zipper he stepped out awkwardly towards the cook who backed up enough to give him some room and made a beeline for the bathroom.
"Bathroom is that way genius." Sanji pointed as he swept up the remains of his last cigarette as they walked. Zoro mumbled something about bad habits that Sanji resolutely ignored and propped the device against the wall as they reached the bathroom.
In the doorway Zoro turned around and blocked it, preventing the cook from walking in with him. He looked around, making sure they were alone before he looked to the blond confirmation that this conversation wouldn't be shared with anyone else aside from those who were present. Sanji nodded in annoyance and waved the swordsman on.
"Come in, I'd rather not discuss this in a corridor." He moved aside and motioned for the other man to enter, which he did with a curious glance at the now furtive looking man who took a moment to adjust his trousers before following him in and closing the door.
The closing door seemed to make the swordsman clam up, which in turn made the cook more vocal.
"I'm here, now tell me what the fuck is bothering you?" Sanji growled.
Zoro sighed and looked directly at him. Sanji returned the look and resisted the temptation to warn Usopp later that Zoro had been 'polishing' his fourth sword over his favorite broom. The silence stretched and Zoro shifted uncomfortably again.
"I've had trouble getting off."
Sanji blinked. Was he serious?
"The only result I've got is fucking chaffing, it's driving me up the wall." Zoro frowned and then shook his head. "What do you do?"
"You're straight forward I'll give you that." Sanji flicked his lighter and pulled loose his tie to give himself a moment to think. It wasn't as if it was the first time someone had approached him with such a question, but that had been someone else, in a totally different situation.
"What's your technique? Do you prefer to make the most of it or is it a case of getting it over and done with."
Zoro snorted disdainfully. "I know how to please myself cook, and no, I don't bloody dawdle over it."
"Hmmm." Sanji scratched his chin thoughtfully. Zoro was obviously used to a certain technique which was only failing to do the job recently...perhaps a change of pace?
"Have you tried in the shower? Or maybe with lube?" A raised eyebrow and another noise of reproach.
"I use a shower to clean, and it's not as is the witch gives me enough money to buy that sort of stuff. Considering everything I buy she takes a record of." It was Sanji's turn to object in contempt.
"She's no witch, and being as deeply in debt as you are I can't blame her for keep a tab on you. Not that you buy anything other than sword-crap and booze."
They glared at each other for a few moments before Zoro twitched and then massaged his temples in a vague attempt to recall his temper.
"Back on track cook." He said.
"When did you last get laid? As in a visitation to the-"
"You know damn well I don't go in for that kind of thing stupid-brow. I have a few acquaintances and I stick to them, not like the brothels you probably attend at every port, Ero-cook."
Sanji bristled. "I do not, as a matter of fact. I actually prefer it when interest in me is shown, rather than the other way around. It makes it more interesting, not that pursuit isn't the thrill of the chase." The blond glanced at Zoro, taking in his tense stance and current problem. "Sit down before you fall down Marimo."
Zoro shifted over to the edge of the bath where he perched cautiously as Sanji made himself comfortable leaning against the laundry basket. A hitch in breath told Sanji that perhaps this wasn't the time for a long drawn out discussion. By now Zoro was verging on a bad case of blue balls, and despite his occassional distaste for his navigationally-challenged nakama he concurred that he wouldn't want to be in Zoro's place right now.
"Well. Have any of your acquaintances given you a blow-job, or a hand-job?"
Zoro leant forwards to rest his head in his hands, winced at the position and thought better of it, choosing instead to rub the back of his neck.
"A hand-job, recently actually. But it wasn't that great and I've never liked blow-jobs." He shrugged, turning to look at the cook who was frowning slightly.
"Why not? A good blow-job is unreal! I've had a few that near on blew my mind that way. Much better than a hand-job at any rate."
Zoro disagreed. "I just don't like the idea of someone having to do that, being under that-" He scowled in frustration, "I just don't agree with it. It doesn't feel right."
Sanji made to protest but silenced himself. He's obviously never had a good one, he thought to himself. He could see where Zoro was coming from, or where he wasn't, Sanji thought with a snide internal smirk.
"Look, for every blow-job I've received I've always given back in turn." He announced too proudly for Zoro's liking.
"Oh please, I have no interest in your sexual exploits Curly-brow, just tell me how you do it and I'll try your way."
The blond sighed in frustration and ran his hands through his hair.
"Fine. I take it slow, I use lubricant or soap and I never, ever rush. And I don't just yank the chain I make sure the bells are polished too."
"Oh great. I told you I don't like to drag it out."
"And you just said you'd try it!" The chef all but shouted. "God marimo, are you going to at least attempt to do this differently or am I going to have to do this for you?"
It was a hugely uncomfortable silence that settled over the two pirates as the last sentence hung between them. Zoro blinked, then visibly flushed as Sanji swallowed loudly and wrung his hands in his shirt.
"Umm, yeah...I'll uh..." Zoro started and then stopped, as though realising that what he just said may have sounded completely different to what he actually meant by it, that, and Sanji noticed the the swordsman wasn't sitting so much as shuffling around on the edge of the bath looking increasingly more pained as the conversation developed. "Shit." Zoro flushed a deeper crimson than Sanji had ever seen him go. Curiosity was going to get him killed, it had already got him this far tonight, and the things he had found out...
"Who are you're acquaintances exactly?" Sanji inquired.
"Exactly that, acquaintances. Nothing more, nothing less." Zoro snapped quickly and winced visibly. Sanji had his suspicions.
"Male or female?" He quested further, this nagging just wasn't going to let him go. He just had to know if his suspicions about Zoro were right.
"What has that got to do with anything?" Zoro hissed, shifting uncomfortably again. The blond suddenly decided to throw caution to the wind.
"I'll help you out," he paused cautiously, "but only if you're inclined. I can't give you any more than that Zoro." He had made the offer. All that was to see now was whether Zoro would accept it.
The result was rather intriguing, Sanji noted to himself as a strangled noise erupted unbidden from Zoro's lips and the swordsman fell off the side of the bath, staring at him with a look that would have given Chopper a run for his money.