"Edward, what the hell is this

"Edward, what the hell is this?"

The vampire grinned sheepishly.

"It's some kind of joke, right?"

"Bella, love…" Edward reached for the collection of papers bound by a hard cover in Bella's hand.

"Edward," she warned. Edward burst out laughing, her expression being more humorous than menacing.

"It's trash!"

"It's not that bad, Bella. It's actually king of sweet."

Bella threw the book face down onto the bed.

"'Just get me out of here, I thought. I'll crawl.' I don't act like that!" Bella crossed her arms and jut her hip out. She thought about straighten herself, having remembered a Dane Cook rant, but didn't.

Edward chuckled. "You're doing it now," he pointed out. Bella screamed and moved to swat the book off the bed but Edward was too fast. After he snatched the book, he held it protectively to his chest; his arms crossed over it, and stuck out his tongue.

"Your face is going to get stuck like that," Bella said with a pout.

"You're the one stuck looking at it," Edward teased, pulling her into a bear hug that reminded her of Emmett. Bella felt the hard, rectangular shape between them.

"You're mean," she whined.

"And selfish," he agreed, his playful tone less evident.

"You're freezing, too."

"Go see the space heater, then. That's all he's good for."

"Edward! Ugh. You are so dead!"

Again, he chuckled. "Too late for that, I think."

"All I have to say is 'sic 'im' and Jacob will be on you like…like Alice on a Porsche."

"That still leaves me alive. The pup doesn't have a snowball's chance, Bella."

"Ironic."

"What is?"

"A snowball's chance in emhell/em Edward. You think you're going to hell—"

"And I am. Even if not for what I am as a being, I still am, as you said, 'mean and selfish'."

"You called yourself selfish. Anyways," she continued, drawing out the 'N', "You're cold—"

"As a snowball, I get it. So I don't have a chance of surviving in my fate. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I appreciate it."

"Any time."

"Good to know I'm loved."

"Unlike me, who has been replaced with a fictional version of myself."

"I don't know—Meyer's got you pretty spot-on."

"And I suppose she got you perfect, too?" she challenged.

"She made me out to be a total control freak!"

Bella raised an eyebrow.

Edward grinned. "Smart little lamb." He grabbed the book and tossed it out the window before busying himself with her mouth.

Outside, a bored wolf yelped, having been hit in the head. "And now, it's raining books. Welcome to my world."