Here I go again. I write too much.
Another L/Light yaoi. This one, I think, will actually follow the plot more, since I won't let it get the point where I always diverge because L shouldn't die.
At this point your guess is as good as mine as to the plot and length and such, though it will be in L's POV because L is luff. I'll try not to switch points of view, but I can't promise anything.
No. No, no, no. No.
I sit in my favorite pose, with my knees tucked into my chest. One arms is clutching my legs against me, the other is held up so that my thumb rests against my lower lip. There is practically no moon tonight, so the room is almost pitch-black.
I think back to earlier today. Light suddenly started babbling almost hysterically, trying to make me let him go. Just a week and it looks like he's starting to go crazy. He'd been dealing with it stoically since I put him in on his request, but all of a sudden his whole demeanor changed.
Zooming in with the cameras, I even noticed a change in his eyes. They opened up more and the pupils contracted, exposing more of the silky milk-chocolate color. Compared to his previous general expression, he looks much more innocent now.
Before this, I realize, he had a calculating, suspicious set to his eyes. They were darker, more opaque, as if he had something to hide. Now, like his whole face, his eyes are more open and expressive. His smile, instead of a sly smirk, is a proper smile that seems to light up his face.
No! Don't let your mind go there. I can't allow this to happen. Any sort of feelings only hamper the investigation, but feelings of that sort will shove everything down the drain.
Usually, one doesn't associate any sort of emotion with the infamous detective L. I have become very adept at putting my feelings aside to solve cases. Perhaps too adept.
That has been my problem since the beginning. Emotions to me are useless baggage, and get in the way. I can detach myself from these bothersome emotions, toss them aside like a dirty piece of clothing.
So detached from emotion I have become that I don't think that I'm capable of being much more than a friendly acquaintance. I keep others distant, and though I can interact well enough to not drive other people away, they sense my cold detachment and remain themselves at a distance.
Perhaps, because of this constant isolation, I have become slightly fearful of allowing emotion to play a role in my life. No, not perhaps. It has been apparent for a while that I hesitate to let my emotions go.
So when I sense the beginnings of an emotion that can catch even someone who doesn't obsessively stifle their feelings off guard, it frightens me. I cannot let this happen.
It's not that any traumatic event in my life led to me building these emotion-blocking walls around myself. It was pure, personal choice. A clinical psychologist would have a field day with me, I bet.
Be all of that as it may, this new, alien emotion is creeping up on me, stalking her unexpecting prey. Confronting it won't help; this emotion I'm not ready for, and can't defend against. This one will slip through all my walls, and hit like a ton of bricks my vulnerable core.
As much as I don't want to, I have to admit it. I am falling in love. And with my main suspect, who is currently in confinement for God knows how long! If you're gonna screw up, better do it right, eh?
Light looks downright miserable. He's hunched up on the floor of his cell, his back turned to the camera. The task force has just rushed in with news that the killings have started back up. I just stop them from telling Light, and try again to see whether his abrupt change is an act or if it's for real. Still the same.
The desperation glittering in his mild brown eyes, the unkempt state of his hair and clothes, and the overall impression I get when he rolls over and sits up, fixing his eyes on the camera lens, makes my heart twinge. In my mind's eye I imagine him fixing an identical gaze on me before flinging himself at me, wrapping his arms around my thin, lithe frame. I blink a few times, clearing those images from my head. No, dammit! It's becoming increasingly hard to hold off this ravenous metaphorical creature. It wants to leap upon me and take my heart in its jaws, this creature called love. It claws at the restrains I place, and soon their tenuous grip will be broken and I will fall.
I look away from the video feed, trying to keep myself from immediately ordering Light's release. Already I am finding that pursuing the investigation properly is a pain in the arse, and will probably only get worse. Salt is rubbed in the wound by the fact that this new emotion has affected me so deeply, effortlessly. I feel like all my defenses are crumbling, and that adds insult to injury.
Eventually, I must concede to the others' pressures. I keep an eye on the small camera installed into the sedan's rear-view mirror as Soichiro drives Light and Misa into the middle of nowhere. The fear glittering in Light's brown eyes tugs at my heart, which has already been aching. Damn, what is wrong with me?! Get it together, L. You musn't let this interfere. If you do, it will all come crashing down around you.
As the long chain connecting the handcuff around my right wrist to the one clamped over Light's left hand rattles noisily, I struggle to keep my expression mild. This is going to be hell. The deepest circle of hell. Not just in a hand-basket, in a bloody gift-wrapped box! The object of my affection is attached to me, within six feet of me, and can't leave my side even to take a shit. Light pulls a resigned, long-suffering look as he gazes at the chain. Misa looks equally unhappy, and I'm only half surprised that her main complaint isn't that she has to stay cooped up in this building all day.
One good thing about this is that Light seems to not share Misa's feelings, so at least I don't have any reason to feel jealous of the hyperactive little thing. Even so, I see nothing in Light's milk chocolate-colored eyes that indicate that he feels anything but exasperation toward me. Reason number one why this is going to be hell.
A few days in and already I feel like I'm about to have fifteen fits and fall in them. The beast called love has been gnawing steadily at my resolve and sanity since the handcuff first closed over my wrist, and I don't know how long I will be able to stand it.
It keeps me up at night, this vicious monster. My gaze is glued to his peaceful form in the bed beside me and I can't pull it away. I can't think of anything else but this impossible young man obliviously asleep, curled up contentedly under the covers.
I feel so vulnerable. This love in one fell swoop has broken through all the barriers I have built up like a hot knife goes through butter. Nothing before this has gotten through, and I have grown so used to the emotional void that this intruder frightens me. Its intensity has come close to overwhelming me, blinding my eyes and senses as I let them rest upon the one responsible for this pain.
The kicker is that as far as I can tell he feels absolutely nothing for me. He is oblivious to the pain that I go through, and even if he doesn't intend it he is slowly causing my heart to break in two as this beast called love worries at it.
He doesn't know how I long to touch him, to hold him, to have his full and undivided attention for just a moment. He doesn't know how I would give my soul to know whether he feels anything like this horrid, beautiful love that I feel for him.
Why does he have to torture me so? Even if he doesn't intend to, this young man has stolen everything. My heart, my dignity, everything that I once thought was safely locked away. And he doesn't seem to notice a thing.
I can't concentrate on my work for more than two minutes. Whatever sleep I managed to get before is impossible now. They thought I was an insomniac before. Just one week into it and I'm near the breaking point. I have to do something, before I snap.
"-zaki. Ryuzaki! Hey, wake up!" Light's voice breaks into my private thoughts, pulling me from my reverie. His face is set into a slight frown, his soft brown eyes fixed on me. I keep my eyes on the computer screen, for I fear of what I will do if we lock eyes. "Yes, Light-kun?"
"It's almost two in the morning. I need sleep!"
I sigh heavily. When Light sleeps and I'm left with only my thoughts for company is my least favorite time of day(or night). "Sleep is for the weak-willed, Light-kun."
"That's as may be, but whether you like it or not I'm going to bed." He stood stiffly, stretching a bit before turning and stalking briskly toward the bedroom. I am nearly pulled from my swivel-chair, but manage to slip out and keep my feet and pad softly after him. An idea popped into my head, and before I could properly analyze the consequences my body acted on the idea.
I stepped forward to close the distance between myself and Light, grabbing his shoulder and spinning him around. I can see the confusion written across his face as one arm curls around the back of his neck, pulling it down so that his lips meet mine as I press up against Light and crane my head back.
He stiffens immediately, and I can almost feel the heat coming from his flushed face until he pushes me away. "I… I am sorry, Light-kun. Please forgive me for that. I don't know what came over me…" I say quickly, dropping my eyes so that I don't have to see his face. I can feel his eyes on me, and just stop from lifting my head to see his expression.
He remains silent, standing there for a moment longer before he turns and quickly walks away. I follow as slowly as I can afford to considering his fast, stiff-legged pace, my whole being radiating defeat.
At least now I have my answer. This doesn't make me feel any better. Finally, my heart has broken. It isn't Light's fault, but I can't help but blame him for my pain. The rational side of me has finally stopped saying I told you so and is trying to convince the rest of me that I really shouldn't blame Light. By now, I have given up trying to hold up my barriers. It just isn't worth it. This love has conquered me, and there is nothing left but rubble, so why bother keeping the walls up? There is nothing there to shield but the shattered pieces.
Now, when I turn my head to look at Light's sleeping form, it is laced with anger and betrayal. It's hardly rational, but at this point I've given up trying to think rationally. For tonight, I shall do what I should have done long ago and just surrender to my emotions.
The anger, hurt and confusion all flood into me, and the fear follows suit, clamping its cold hand around me. I am strangled and suffocated by these emotions; all due to one person. One tiny part of me doesn't want to blame him, but it too is soon stifled.
How I managed to get to sleep that night is beyond me.
The next day, my body functions on auto-pilot. I'm very surprised that the task-force members don't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary with my behavior. Light stoically acts as if nothing happened, though I do notice that his manner with me is especially brusque.
All those barriers I had built up against emotion, and they are now useless. I am hollow, empty inside. There is nothing left now, except this deep depression that slithers through the gaping holes in my barriers and constricts slowly the shattered remains of my heart.
This was the sort of thing I had been protecting myself all this time, but my supposedly impenetrable defenses proved no match for this beast called love. I suddenly find myself open to the world, vulnerable as a child and shivering, wide-eyed as I wonder what the hell just hit me.
I wonder how people can stand it. These emotions are so strong, and yet they can be so easily manipulated. Even if the manipulator is unaware of their effect, and does not mean to hurt. Those are the worst, because whatever blame they receive is completely undeserved.
The day drags on so slowly, so painstakingly slowly, that by the time those who chose not to live in the building get ready to leave for the night I feel like clawing my eyeballs out. Everyone drifts off to their respective places, and Light and I work on for another few hours.
"Ryuzaki." At his voice, I barely stifle a wince. Now that we're alone, Light can freely tell me precisely what he thinks of the stunt I pulled last night. I know that no matter how I try I will not be ready for his dressing-down, but habit makes me pull up the pitiful remains of my walls. "Let me guess, you want to go to sleep?" I say, struggling to keep my voice and expression neutral.
"Yeah." He gets up, and tonight I don't feel like arguing so I too stand. My gaze is pinned to the floor so when I see Light move from the edge of my vision I just think he is stepping around the chair to walk off. It catches me by surprise when I feel Light's arm wrap around my shoulders, and two fingers slip under my chin to lift it. My eyes, wide in surprise and disbelief, meet Light's chocolate brown ones. "But before I sleep," He leaned forward, gently closing his mouth over mine.
Without waiting for my consent, my body acts of its own accord once more. I fling my arms around Light's shoulders, clinging to him with all my might as I kiss back with about as much desperation. A tear beads in the corner of my fervently closed eyes, and I pay it no heed. Whether he's doing this to taunt me or if it's for real, I don't give a damn.
All too soon Light pulls back, fixing an opaque gaze on me. I bury my face in his shoulder, unable to meet his eyes. My hands ball into fists, clutching wads of his shirt in a tight grasp as I fight to keep those tears in the corners of my eyes from rolling down my flushed cheeks.
"If you don't cut it out you'll have me crying too. Stop looking so much like a kicked puppy, Ryuzaki." He says softly into my ear.
"I can't help it," I mutter, finally finding my voice.
He lifts my head again, one thumb gently wiping the corners of my eyes. I see the slightly resigned look in his eyes as they fix on me, boring into my dark eyes and holding me.
"Why did you have to go and kiss me last night? I was getting along pretty well denying the fact that I'm hopelessly in love with you, convinced that you didn't give a shit about me."
I manage to smile slightly. "Well that's too bad. You've been giving me no end of grief since the beginning, so you're getting your just desserts."
Light tucks his head, resting his forehead on mine. He sighs softly, his breath washing over my face. "What am I gonna do with you, huh?"
"You can start by telling me straight out whether or not this is for real or some sort of malicious prank." I say.
The look of hurt in his eyes answers the question even before Light speaks. "Ryuzaki, I can't believe you have to ask me that. Why would I pull such a prank on you? Didn't I just say that I'm hopelessly in love with you?"
I reach up, brushing a lock of hair from his face. "Yes, I'm sorry, Light. It's just that I've been in absolute agony for a week, and today I felt like I'd have liked to curl up and die. I want to be sure that I won't wake up tomorrow morning and realize that this exchange was just a dream."
A slight smile curves Light's lips. "Well trust me Ryuzaki, it isn't. I hope not, at least." His hand gently strokes my shaggy black hair. "If it makes you feel any better, I've been in pretty much the same boat as you."
I smile back. "You have no idea how much better I feel." That was the understatement of the century. All the little demons that had been nibbling at me the past week had been banished, and the growls and snarls uttered by the beast called love had turned to purrs. My heart felt infinitely lighter, and the bits had been pieced back together. Such hope and relief flooded my heart and mind that it was euphoric.
Wow, fluff and angst all rolled into one! –falls over–
We'll see how long I can keep this going.