A/N: Okay, this one is complete crack, and it's my least-favorite thing I've ever written, style-wise. I think that it's crap. However, I love the content, and I wouldn't give it up for the world.
Important Note: There is actually a Pastafarian religion, and they actually believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have a friend who's Pastafarian. I am not making this stuff up. There is also actually a Bible of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the things I've mentioned in here are actually parts of the book. I mean no offense to anyone, please understand that this is only for amusement purposes. FSMism is a satyr religion, it was made to make fun of stuff. I myself am Wicca, and I am completely content to laugh at the idea of witches eating calculators. Once again, I mean no offense.
Warnings: Some of the material in the following piece of fanfiction may be offensive to some readers. Reader discretion is strongly advised. (That's why it's T.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, that is Jo's domain, and I don't own the Bible of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, which was written by Bobby Henderson. I do not own The Joy of Sects, which, although I can't remember the author's name, is a real book, and not my property.
Hermione, for all her brilliance, was rather capricious. Her brain could never stick to one thing after it had unraveled the secrets of that item. Whether it was a class or a romance, she never stuck to one for long. She acquired it, solved it, and moved on.
It was Seventh Year; she had aced all her classes and decided that none of the boys in her year suited her tastes. Still, she couldn't stick to having deciphered everything, and really, she had been a Catholic for much too long. She hadn't tried anything else.
A new challenge in her sight, Hermione set off to the Library, intent on finding the "perfect" religion.
The Gryffindor Seventh Years sat around the fireplace, chatting, playing cards, studying- all but one. Hermione sat separate from the group, nose buried in a copy of The Joy of Sects. It was three weeks after she had resolved to find the "perfect" religion, and she had gone through a great many. Judaism, Muslim, Buddhism- and she still hadn't found something that satisfied her.
Lavender Brown leaned forward, addressing the group. "She needs to be stopped."
Seamus Finnegan looked confused. "Who needs to stop what?"
"Hermione! She needs to stop being so, so- fickle!" Parvati hissed.
Harry looked at her sharply. "I think a more appropriate term would be 'indecisive'."
His voice had an edge that disallowed argument. He was annoyed with his friend too, but she was still like a sister to him.
His disposition changed abruptly, lending itself to the rumors that the Defeater-of-Voldemort was bipolar. "That's okay! Anyway, I've got a solution!"
The others leaned in. "What?"
He just grinned, took a book out of his bag, and sauntered over to Hermione. This would be good.
Hermione looked up from her reading when Harry slipped into the seat opposite her.
"I've got a suggestion for you."
She continued to read, her voice uninterested. "What's that?"
"A new religion for you to try."
Now she was interested. "Really? What is it?"
He passed her a book. Upon reading the title of the slim paperback, her eager grin faltered, replaced by a confused half-frown.
"Why, it's the Bible of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!"
She gaped at him.
"You know, Pastafarianism? FSMism? Ringing any bells here?"
She continued to gape.
Harry sighed, then leaned forward and opened the book at random. Hermione looked down at the page, her eyes widened at the illustration.
"What is that!?"
"That is historical, photo-shopped proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in one of Michelangelo's paintings."
"I- what- that's-"
Harry flipped a few pages, and Hermione's eyes fell on another illustration.
"What on Earth?!"
Harry glanced at the picture too, then hummed. "Yeah, that's a witch eating a calculator."
"Because apparently that's what witches do."
Before she could do more than sputter indignantly, Harry was flipping through the book once more.
"Oh, look here!"
Hermione read the title disbelievingly. "Unintelligent design?"
"Mmm-hmm. There's apparently not enough evidence that there are intelligently designed beings on Earth, so they were forced to conclude that the maker of the universe isn't all that smart."
"Oh, you're going to want to read the eight I'd Rather You Didn'ts."
"The eight I'd Rather You Didn'ts?"
"Yep! There's only eight, because the pirate Captain Mosey dropped two, which accounts for the Pastafarian's flimsy moral standards."
"Yeah, pirates are the Flying Spaghetti Monster's chosen people."
She gawked some more. Harry beamed, continuing to turn pages.
"Moving on to the initiation ritual, The Holy Suck-"
"Well, it's actually-"
She flapped her hands at him. "No, no! I don't want to hear any more!"
He gave her his best innocent gaze. "I thought you were trying to give as many religions as possible a chance?"
That effectively stopped her retort. "I, uh-"
He smiled, grabbed his book, and walked back over to where the other Seventh Years were killing themselves laughing. She watched him go, looked down at the book she had been reading, then rested her head in her hands.
Maybe Catholicism wasn't so bad, after all.
A/N: Once again, I meant no offense to anyone. Please don't report me! Review!