AN: I own 0 of mass effect but it owns 100 of me! Well, I basically adore Joker, so I decided to give writing about him and Shepard a try. Enjoy.
Chapter One: About Time
Joker blinked when he heard footsteps behind him. Too light for a man's, they're short in length… Probably Shepard, he decided.
"Hey, Joker," the voice of Lily Shepard said casually.
He was right as always, but he turned his head to glance at her anyway—for politeness' sake, of course. At least—that's what he told himself. As usual, the sight of her made him smile like a nut. The tight Alliance uniform deviously displayed her well-muscled body that still managed to retain its womanly curves. Reddish brown hair that perfectly curled just the right amount beautifully revealed her shining green eyes.
"Need anything, Commander?" he asked as she slipped into the empty copilot seat.
"Can't sleep," she replied with a look of annoyance. He knew it wasn't directed at him, but that didn't make him dislike it anymore. Smiles suited her much better.
"The cockpit's not the most comfortable place," he warned. Personally, his ass never stopped cramping. And it's not as if he could walk around to relieve it.
"It's got entertainment though," she grinned.
"What, the view?" he asked, pointing to the endless tracts of space in front of them. It was pretty nice he guessed, but he didn't think that was what Shepard had in mind. And he knew it wasn't anything like what he had in mind about this visit.
"The view's nice," she agreed, leaning back in her chair, "but I think it'd be more fun to chat with the hilarious Joker."
"Ah, crap. Is this the part where I tell jokes?" he grumbled. However, he was slightly pleased that she had specifically sought him out instead of Alenko.
"Only if you want to," she laughed. "I'm desperate after Garrus tried to tell me a turian joke."
"Ouch. Those do tend to stink. I think he has filing stuck up his ass after working a C-Sec for so long." He watched her out of the corner of his eye to see her cover her mouth to contain her laugh. "Don't worry, the comm system's off and nobody can hear us up here."
And with that, she removed her hand and began to laugh. God, he loved her laugh. It was so clear and loud. He wished that he was always the sole cause for that beautiful sound. "You're horrible!" she gasped out.
"I swear; he recites regulations in his sleep!" he said, joining in her laughter.
"You're lying!" she grinned.
"No, come here; I'll show you!" he protested. He motioned her to come over while his fingers jabbed a few buttons. Soon a shot of the turian's sleeperpod showed and he had his hand over the audio feed. Shepard reluctantly joined him, muttering something about feeling guilty for spying on her crew.
"There's only one set of headphones. I'll turn it up to max so we can both hear," he explained as he turned a few knobs for volume and balance. They both leaned in close to the pair of headphones he held up in his left hand. "Ready?" he asked, looking at her with a mischievous look. As Joker realized how close she was, he felt heat crawl over every part of him.
She nodded enthusiastically and he pressed the button.
"B-365.2…N-47…" came the sleepy voice of the turian.
They both doubled over with laughter, making the room ring with the sound. "Oh, God, that's great!" Shepard gasped.
"You haven't seen nothing yet," Joker said proudly, pressing a few more buttons to display Wrex's.
"What's he do?" she asked curiously, bending down to put her ear to the headphones again.
"Listen," he replied secretively. He pressed the audio button and watched as Shepard realized with evident shock that the high-pitched singing was coming out of the sleeping krogan's mouth.
"That's Wrex?" she asked with disbelief before she burst out into more laughter. "I don't believe this! You have to be manipulating this somehow…"
"I swear on the Normandy," he grinned.
"Hmph," she grunted as she stood up straight. "I think I'll take a shower tonight instead of in the morning." She made to leave the room.
"About time," Joker said, eying the clock.
She whirled around and looked at him. "I didn't know I was that smelly."
Joker turned beet red. How was he supposed to explain that the security cameras also included her room and he'd eventually memorized what time she took showers? "Uh, no ma'm, it's just that—"
He grimaced in defeat as he saw her study the security cameras' different angles. The bathroom was in perfect sight. "You're such a pervert!" she grumbled.
"It's not my fault you haven't figured out how to shut the bathroom door," he said meekly.
Shepard glared at him and turned to leave once again.
"Night, Shepard. Sleep well."
"I doubt I will if I know you're watching," she shot back. "And I'm closing the door from now on!" she yelled over her shoulder.
"Damn," he muttered as he flipped off the cameras. Looks like it'll be even more boring up here.
"Joker?" Shepard added, returning a few steps back to him. And before he knew it, she gave him the tiniest kiss on the cheek. "You could've just asked," she laughed before hitting him lightly on the back of the head and turning on her heel for the third time.
The stunned pilot gave a low whistle. About time.