A/N: The grand finale! I know you've all been hoping for this. Don't lie. Time for me to wrap this mother up!
Thank you once again to all the authors who helped me finish this fic: Fallacy, Cynchick, and J-Pop Princess.
I hope it was as fun for you to read it as it was for us to write it! Thanks to all of you who stuck with this from the beginning, whether you were forced to or otherwise, and especially thank you to everyone who reviewed every single chapter! You gotta love a regular. And don't forget to take a moment and admire the brilliance of this chapter's name. It expresses the entirety of the fic in a single phrase, I daresay.
Without further ado…
Chapter 11 - lolwut
Sakura opened her eyes and squinted at the clock beside her bed. Noon?
"Dammit," she muttered to herself, scrambling out of bed and thrashing out of the confining sheets. "I was supposed to be in the lab making those antibacterial pills five hours ago! I'm so screwed." Her stomach growled loudly. "And hungry."
She stripped off her pajamas as fast as she could without tearing them and dashed into the bathroom, turned on the shower blindly and jumped into the freezing cold spray, which rapidly turned boiling hot, and then freezing again, and then decided on that place in the middle that isn't hot nor cold but neither comfortable.
After this extremely insulting shower—God, she smelled weird. Kind of like seven brands of men's cologne all rolled up into one disgusting ball of cheap.—Sakura decided on her usual prisoner of Akatsuki garb (underwear, skirt, loose t-shirt, no bra, and her boots of death), and wandered to the bedroom door, brushing her hair as she went.
Tap, tap, tap.
"Hey, sorry about sleeping in and stuff. Can you let me out? I kind of need to do something important."
She waited, hoping it wasn't Deidara or Hidan's turn to baby-sit her all damn day. Well, it was only a checkup every hour or so, but still pretty freaking annoying when they got all close to her and breathed on her neck in the most creepy, lewd fashion imaginable. Mostly Deidara. He had a thing about staring at her, for some Godforsaken reason.
But coming to take the seals off her door in the morning was the worst. They would stand outside the door until she was screaming in frustration to be let out—there was no point in sitting in there out of spite, because they had no qualms about letting her sit there for weeks on end—and then pinched her in indecent places on the walk to the lab.
But…no one answered this time. Was this her punishment for sleeping in?
"Shit. Hello? I said I'm sorry."
She banged on the door angrily. "Hey, if you don't let me out, you're all going to die of pneumonia in the winter when the freezing rain hits, and—wha?"
The door gave way and slowly creaked open, and a phantom breeze blew down the deserted hallway.
"That's…" Sakura pursed her lips suspiciously. "Did they forget the seals, or just take them off and hope that I went to the lab by myself?" She edged out of the door, glancing back and forth nervously. "Or...is this a test to see if I'll try to escape?" She was completely into the hallway now, flexing her fists by habit despite the lack of chakra there.
"Well, I'm not an idiot," she muttered to herself. "There's ten of them—sixteen, kind of—and one of me. When are they going to calm down about this?" She headed towards the kitchen, but stopped when she tripped over a brightly colored box that she had embarrassingly missed at first glance. On top of it, there was a note, and on the bottom, a chakra seal.
" 'Here they are. They didn't have the brand you wanted, but these should work'...? " She read, highly confused. "From…who? Wait, these are pregnancy tests. The hell? Since when do I ask murderous assassins to run errands for pregnancy tests? When will these people get tired of screwing with my head?"
But just because she felt like it, she did three of them, all of which came out positive. Oh, so they were taking the torment to a whole new level, were they? Well, she'd show them. Because she had a pregnancy test of her own in her bag in case of emergencies like this one, and it was considerably more accurate than those grungy things.
Of course, the fact that that one came out positive as well was pretty fucking disturbing. And it was a prototype designed by Tsunade to test based on the fluctuations in a woman's chakra, and seeing as how she had just enough chakra to pass off as a civilian and it still picked up the subtle signs…
"How the hell did that happen? …Oh, well. I can't be bothered."
And she sat there in a cloud of could-be-drug-induced contentedness, ignoring the part of her screaming that something is wrong with you and give yourself a blood test and see if they've done anything to you and weren't you wearing men's pajamas when you woke up why the fuck would you be wearing that and maybe there's a real reason that no one came to the door and—
These annoying thoughts were promptly drowned out by another terrific stomach growl.
"Okay, time to eat," she barked at no one in particular, and stormed out of the bathroom, out of the bedroom, and down the hallway into the arc of light leading into the kitchen, where she stopped on a dime at the sight that greeted her:
Kisame, sprawled out on a couch, wrapping Samehada in bandage after bandage roll.
Sasori, counting a huge wad of cash next to a pile of DVDs.
Zetsu, having a loud argument with himself about 'new leadership, and what it could mean for us.'
Tobi, reading the newspaper at the table, ignoring everyone around him and tipping up the mask every so often to sip at a martini.
Hidan, staring at her with a disturbingly blank look on his face.
Kakuzu, glancing at her before looking away, then repeating the cycle endlessly.
Deidara, pale as death with enormous dark circles under his eyes, hair a mess, trying to keep himself awake in the armchair he sat in to the side.
Itachi, peering at her intently from another chair, looking healthier than he'd been in years.
And for all of that, there were only three words needed to sum it all up.
"What the hell?"
Suddenly, all attention focused on her. Not threatening, but…incredibly intense.
"Um," she continued. "Why didn't anyone come to my door this morning? Actually, why are you all here at the same time? Don't you only meet in that lair thing? I didn't think you guys did kitchen briefing. I'm going to get some orange juice, 'kay?"
As she walked towards the aforementioned, near-sacred drink, a few of them finally spoke.
"Do whatever the fuck you want," Kakuzu growled. "It's your damn fridge now, Miss Fucking Leader."
"You told us to come here, you dumb bitch. We've been waiting for hours," Hidan snapped.
"I dun wanna do it again…yeah…jus' give me a break today, jus' one day…I'm dying here, woman," Deidara moaned before his head smacked the end of the table and he passed out. Odd…not only was that the most bizarre and insane thing to come out of his mouth in a long while, but it gave her an uncanny sense of déjà vu...
And the rest of them just stared. She stared back.
"Does…someone want to tell me what's going on? Wait, what day is it?"
"Thirtieth," Tobi muttered darkly from behind his newspaper.
"What?" Sakura pulled the newspaper down and gaped at the date. He was right!
"But—but—was I sleeping the whole month or something? What the hell is going on? I don't remember anything that went on this past month! The first thing I know, I'm testing chemicals in the lab, and…the thirtieth!"
She plopped in the armchair, shaken, while the very biotic chair cushion beneath her lay limp as a dead fish. One by one, the facial expressions around her changed into various forms of disbelief, exuberance, apathy, and relief. Deidara just sat there with his mouths open and three tongues hanging out.
"You don't…remember anything?" Hidan asked with uncharacteristic caution.
"Well, no, obviously. Does anyone know where Pein is? Or Konan, so I can ask her? I want to know what's up here."
"Oh, you won't find them," Zetsu sighed. "Konan informed us they were going on an extremely long mission, but were very close-mouthed about where to or what for. In their absence, however, you performed something of a small coup shortly after the departure, and no one really offered any real resistance…I don't think anyone liked them much."
Well, this was just weird. They were all here, and she was getting answers to questions—completely ridiculous answers, but answers all the same—that would've earned her a smack a month ago. She walked to the fridge and drank the orange juice straight out of the container until it was all gone.
"So why is this my fridge again?"
"Oh, no reason," Kakuzu muttered quickly. "It's better if you don't know. Now I can at least try to put this past month out of my mind."
"I can't believe I even put up with all that crap. I'll bet she was on drugs," Kisame observed mournfully.
Sasori left the room on a cell phone, talking to someone about payments and promotions and 'the biggest thing since Kunoichis Let Loose: The Movie.'
Itachi just kept staring, although it was a different stare from before. She stared back, trying to read it. Disappointment? Dejection? Heartache? Huh.
And Deidara coughed and sighed in his sleep, muttering 'not so hard' and 'I can't feel my hands' and 'I dun wanna suck it...yeah' before trying to turn over. This didn't work, obviously, since Sakura was currently using his body as a large pillow.
"So…this is awkward," Sakura observed at the heavy silence following. "I…hope things can go relatively back to normal after today…"
"…and that whatever was going on during that...time is forgotten, and—wait a second. Hey!"
Everyone flinched hard.
"I know it was one of you. There's no fucking way it could be anyone else. No one else comes in here, no one else could possibly…"
They waited on bated breath. Was she remembering? Was she…back?
"I am fucking pregnant. And until the asshole who did it fesses up, I will make your lives a living hell."
Sakura had never, in her entire life, seen a room cleared out so fast. In their hurry, Deidara was left behind, and when the pink-haired, recently-impregnated kunoichi stood to watch the hasty escape, he fell out of the chair and collapsed on the floor, snoring heavily. Even his hands snored. That was creepy.
But that was all right, she thought as she followed the mass of cloaked men close behind down the hallway. It was time for some up close and personal interrogation, never mind that they outnumbered her. That was unimportant. She'd seduce it out of them if she had to, by golly. But who to go to first?
Sakura slowed in front of the greenhouse door, her eye catching a hint of black and red ducking under the hydrangeas.
Maybe she'd start with Zetsu…
A/N: So...who do you think the daddy is? No, really, tell us. And tell us why. We need a little crack from the outside after all this.