To My Readers: I have been desperately trying to get a good story for you to read. But, all I could come up with was this . . . monstrosity. It just wouldn't go away until I posted it! I will warn you, it gets kind of crazy. Well, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the craziness that is PezMaster:


THE 'GENDER' ISSUE
CHAPTER ONE: 'WHEN GOOD SPELLS GO BAD.'

"Er . . . . stupid spell . . . . Carnegiea!"

"ARG-"

"Oh, sorry 'bout that Neville. My bad . . ."

It was a normal Friday afternoon in Transfiguration class. (Well, as normal as it has ever been, anyways.) Harry, who had been sitting in the back of the classroom with Hermione, trying to turn a chair into a clam, suddenly heard a large bump and several chuckles.

"Ron!" Hermione stood up and yelled across the room, "What did you do?!"

Ron was smiling sheepishly as he helped fellow Gryffindor, Neville Longbottom, to his feet. Everyone noticed that something was wrong with Neville's appearance. . . .

"YOU TURNED HIS HEAD INTO A CACTUS?!" squealed Hermione, running across the classroom, clearly horrified. Harry followed her, trying to suppress his laughter.

"I didn't mean to!" Ron and Harry exchanged glances and began to burst out laughing. "Neville was just at the wrong place at the wrong time."

A look of disgust fell over Hermione's face as she grabbed Neville by the shoulder so he wouldn't crash into any desks. A large crowd of Gryffindors began to form around the front of the class.

"It's not funny!" Hermione glared at Ron and Harry, who immediately stopped laughing. "This is totally serious!"

Neville, who had been absentmindedly feeling around the classroom (since his new cactus-face didn't have any eyes) suddenly stumbled over a backpack and was sent flying across the room.

Harry snorted. "Yeah, sure Hermione, we're being totally serious . . . ." he and the rest of the Gryffindors then uncontrollably burst into fits of laughter as Neville's new spiked head got stuck in a wooded door. "Fine. Let's get back to normal before Professor McGonagall comes back . . . ."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that Mr. Potter."

The group of Gryffindors slowly turned around to find the Transfiguration teacher leaning against the door jam; her arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

"What in the name of -" Professor McGonagall finally got site of Neville, who was, at the time, feeling Dean Tomas's hair. "Okay . . . . Which one of you transfigured Longbottom's head into a cactus?!"

Everyone slowly glanced at Ron, whose ears began to turn a bright red. Professor McGonagall knew this was a telltale sign of Weasley guilt.

"Mr. Weasley. See me after class," McGonagall said, a hint of annoyance in her voice, "The rest of you may leave early, I've got to straiten out Mr. Longbottom's face."

Harry stayed with Ron for a while as their fellow Gryffindors piled out of the classroom, not believing their own good luck.

"This day can not get any worst . . ." Ron muttered, his hands covering his face.

"Oh, come on, Ron. Look at it this way," Harry tried the best to comfort his friend. "At least you don't have detention with Snape."

"You've got a point, there." Ron rose from his seat and turned towards the front of the class, were Neville had just gotten his regular head back. (Though it was still a bit green and pointy.) "But I still think it's going to be a long night."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Harry and Hermione were the only two left in the Gryffindor common room by time Ron finally arrived back from his detention.

"Oh, God . . . . McGonagall made me help Filch wash the dungeon floors." Ron winced as he slowly sat in a chair by the fire. "It was a complete nightmare."

"So, naturally, Snape was breathing down your neck all night." Harry smiled.

"That man is in serious need of a tic-tac," Ron scrunched up his nose in disgust as Harry chuckled.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Well, it's all your fault, anyway." She said. "If you had learned that spell correctly, you wouldn't have had detention."

Ron leaned forward in his seat, clearly annoyed. "Fine, Hermione. You try turning a chair into a clam."

"Okay . . . . I will." Hermione said definitely. She then got up from her seat, took her wand out, and, with a great puff of dust, shut the old book she was reading. "Gend - a . . ach . . . ACHOO!"

Before Hermione could finish the spell, she sneezed, causing thousands of bright purple sparks to shoot out of her wand; They ricocheted off of the huge mirror which hug above the fireplace, and hit her and Ron, knocking them down with a sickening thump.

Taken with surprise, Harry leapt out of his seat and bent down to help his fallen friends.

"Ron! Hermione! Oh, God . . . . Are you two okay?!"

Harry started to shake Hermione, who groaned out loud. Resorting to dispirit measures, he slapped his friend upside the face.

"OW!" Hermione's eyes shot open and she groaned again. "Why the hell did you do that for?" she moaned softly.

"I'm sorry," Harry helped Hermione to her feet. "Now, come and help me with Ron
. . . ."

"What?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We've got to get Ron up to bed," Harry said slowly. "I think he got the worst of it."

Hermione looked down at the unconscious Ron Weasley. Her eyes suddenly went wide and her face went pale.

"What's the matter?" Harry asked absentmindedly, trying to pick up Ron by himself.

"Oh . . . . my . . . God . . . ." Hermione started touching her face and hair. She abruptly grabbed Harry by the shoulders, making him drop Ron. "Harry! I've turned into a girl!"

Harry stood up and raised an eyebrow, "What the hell are you babbling about? I believe you've always been a girl . . . ."

Hermione shook Harry again. "I'm not Hermione! I'm RON!"

Harry's smile faded from his face. Hermione (who claimed she was Ron.) sounded completely serious. Harry started to panic.

"You're . . . your kidding me," he stuttered.

"Hermione and I must have . . . . er . . . switched bodies when she messed up that spell." Ron in Hermione's body smacked his new forehead. "Well, this is going to become very awkward . . . ."

"No kidding" Harry muttered, shaking his head. "Now, come on and help me get Ro- . . . . er . . . . uh . . . Hermione up to the boy's dorm."

"What?!" Ron twisted Hermione's face into a grimace. "And just were am I going to sleep?"

Harry nodded toward the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

Ron backed away from his old body and Harry. "Ooohhh no . . . . I'm not going up there . . ."

"Come on, Ron, it makes perfect sense," Harry said, "You're stuck in a girl's body, so you have to sleep in the girls' bedroom. Same goes for Hermione."
Ron crossed Hermione's arms. "Okay, fine," he said stubbornly, "But if I see any girls walking around in their panties, it's on your head."

********************

Er . . . . no comment from the author. But, I will give you my word that it gets better. MUCH better. I'll get the next chapter up as soon as possible, so you're just going to have to wait. Now, all you have to do is review!
A/N: Again, I do NOT own any of the 'Harry Potter' characters!
PLEASE NOTE: I am, at the time, working on my own web site. (Scary thought, huh?) What I need from you, my fellow readers, are fan art, stories, and/or fan fiction. ( Just Harry Potter stuff, please.) Just e-mail it to me at cshrumm@yahoo.com. Thanks a lot!
Love, Kisses, and Pineapples, From PezMaster.