An Ominous Love Story
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Rated: E (for Excessive Author Notes)
Genre: Horror (attempt), Suspense (attempt), Mystery (attempt), Romance (I hope not)
More Warnings: AU...who knows where this is going.
Dedication: RozellaRising, because I don't think she wants this for her birthday.
I'd also like to thank Paul from finances. You are my muse! Without your stingy budgeting, this story would not have been possible.
A tragic love story
It was a dark and stormy night wherever this story is being set. Lightening crackled through the dark, cloudy sky and the ground shook with the thunder. The windshield wipers slashed rain across the windshield. There was a woman driver and we all know that is a bad thing.
AN: This story is filled with murder, suspicion, hate, and death, at least I think it will be...I haven't written it yet...but above all else, this, is a comedy, I mean, a love story. And please, no angry comments about women drivers, Ganju's the one who said that. Carry on.
Rukia gripped the steering wheel as lightening ripped across the sky again. Ichigo just turned up the music to drown out the noise.
"I don't like this song," Rukia complained lovingly. "Please find something else, dear."
"It's my favorite song, Sweetie," Ichigo hissed, blocking her move to change the station.
"Well, you're not going to be able to enjoy it if we're fighting through the whole thing, Pumpkin."
"You know I love it when you call me that, Snookums." Ichigo seethed, "Stop complaining about the music and watch the road, stupid woman driver."
AN: Sorry, it was Ichigo, not Ganju.
Rukia's attention snapped to the road and of course there was someone standing in the middle of it.
AN: How obvious. Were you really expecting nothing? Well, so much for suspense.
Rukia hit the gas.
"That's the wrong one!" Ichigo screeched.
She hit the brake, or was it the clutch? Anyway, she hit something, including the guy in the middle of the road.
AN: End. Oh wait, I forgot Ganju. Never mind.
"Are you okay, Ichigo?" Rukia asked, turning to look at the empty seat beside her. She looked around wildly. "Ichigo?"
A bloody hand smeared across the window. It was her own.
AN: This is not real blood. Paul from finances said we couldn't afford it, but I managed to make a very convincing imitation with corn syrup, ketchup and food coloring. It was actually pretty good on chips.
"Don't do that!" Ganju screamed, jumping away from the window.
Rukia jumped back and the radio crackled to life. Ichigo was messing with the dial.
AN: When did he come back?
"Excuse me," Ganju tapped on the window and Rukia timidly rolled it down.
"Do you need something?" Rukia asked, peering at the man standing in the pouring rain.
"Yeah, you kind of just hit me with your car back there," Ganju jerked his thumb to a few feet in front of them. "I was wondering if I could get some medical attention."
"Do I look like a nurse to you?"
"We aren't even good Samaritans," Ichigo said, leaning over Rukia to look at Ganju. "Why were you walking down a gravel road, alone, on a dark and stormy night anyway?"
"I was walking for charity. Well, actually I was practicing," Ganju laughed. "5K ain't nothing to joke about. Would you like to make a donation to charity? It's for a good cause."
"Hit the gas!" Ichigo nudged Rukia.
"I'm sure we have a quarter or something," Rukia began shuffling through her purse, completely ignoring the wad of cash that was in plain sight. "Ah, I found some pennies. There you go, young man. Save those babies."
"I'm walking for osteoporosis," Ganju quickly pocketed the pennies anyway. "Uh, do you guys think you could give me a ride to my house? It's not very far and you did hit me with your car."
AN: I don't recommend getting into a car with strangers, however, Ganju has a pretty good life insurance policy, so Paul didn't think this was a problem.
Ganju got into the car.
"We didn't say yes," Ichigo grumbled.
"You did, it was just during the author's note."
"Oh, where do you live?"
"It's pretty close," Ganju pointed. "It's just up that winding hill to that precarious looking abandoned mansion."
AN: Note that the mansion is not actually abandoned, seeing as Ganju apparently lives in it.
After a few minutes they reached the door.
"Thanks for the ride," Ganju said, getting out of the car.
"Yeah, your welcome, I guess," Rukia said, waving her goodbyes. The car pulled away, jerked, went a few more feet, and then rolled to a stop. "It won't start."
AN: I was actually going to have them leave right now, but the car actually did break down... Paul wouldn't hire a mechanic and he thought switching the car out at this point was too obvious... Especially since I suggested switching it out with his own.
Ganju cringed, "Just roll it down the hill, you'll be fine. Pick up some good speed and you'll make it to the bottom."
"Oh, thanks!" Rukia smiled appreciatively. "I never would have thought of that."
"What are you talking about?" Ichigo asked, staring at her.
"It was a good idea!"
"No, it wasn't!" Ichigo argued. "Then we'd be stuck at the bottom of the hill."
"Details," Rukia threw up her hands.
"Besides," Ichigo grumped. "The radio isn't working."
"Excuse us," Rukia called out the window. "Can we use your phone or something?"
"Uh, why can't you use your cell phone?" Ganju frowned.
"Someone," Rukia glared at Ichigo. "Didn't pay the bill."
AN: Once again, notice that they earlier had a rather large wad of cash on them... Which reminds me...where did the funding for this project go? Rukia...
"I told you to say we didn't have signal!"
"Shut up," Rukia barked, and then smiled at Ganju sweetly. "Can we use your phone?"
"Fine," he gruffed as they got out of the car. "But be quick about it."
They wandered inside the mansion, Ganju not really giving them time to look around. He stopped in front of an old fashioned phone hanging off of the wall.
Rukia picked up the phone and began to spin the dial. The lights went out and the phone went dead.
"The lights went out and the phone went dead!" Rukia exclaimed.
"Thanks for sharing," Ganju muttered. "I hadn't noticed." He walked to the fuse box and flipped the breaker. The lights went back on. "Sorry, that happens a lot when it's storming."
"Where's Ichigo?" Rukia gasped, looking around. "Ichigo?"
"He's fine," Ganju assured her. "He's just having a coffee break. Ichigo, you're back on!"
"Oh, sorry!" Ichigo chugged his coffee and raced back to the set. "That Paul from finances, interesting guy."
"The one with the glasses?" Rukia asked, peering off set.
"No, that's Aizen," Ichigo pointed at Paul. "That's him."
"Ahem," Ganju frowned.
"Oops, where were we? Oh yeah, whoa, I didn't even know people used these anymore," Ichigo said in wonder looking at the phone.
"We don't. Paul didn't pay the bill." Ganju whispered, "Anyway, we're past that line."
"Oh, where are we?" Ichigo whispered back.
"The power just went out, but its back on now."
"Oh," Ichigo nodded. "Well, since the phone's not working, I guess we'll have to stay here."
AN: I wonder if there are the big strong arm things at this abandoned mansion...perhaps there are two very large feet at the bottom of the hill...
"I don't think that's a good idea..." Ganju muttered.
"What's not a good idea, little brother?" A sweet, feminine voice asked from behind them. "Who are your little friends?"
"Hey," Ichigo smiled at her. "I'm Ichigo," he winked. "Ichigo Kurosaki."
"I thought I was your romantic interest!" Rukia elbowed him.
"No, you're Ganju's!" Ichigo rubbed his side.
"That's so not fair," Rukia complained.
"Tell me about it," Ganju agreed.
"Back to the story," Ichigo prompted.
"I'm Kukaku Shiba," the woman introduced herself.
"Why are they here?" A deep dark shadowy figure called friendlily from the corner with a menacing tone.
"Oh," Kukaku cooed. "This is my other brother, Kaien!"
Paul smiled at them from under a slightly convincing Kaien wig.
AN: Let me straighten out a few things here. Kaien's still alive in all actuality, but Paul said we couldn't afford to pay for another member of the cast, so we had to cut him. The same thing happened in Bleach, come to think of it. They had to cut him out before he even got into the show. He went from the lead part to just one episode. Ichigo got the leader because he's cheaper and they kind of look alike anyway. Kaien's currently in Jamaica happily living off of his 401K.
"So, Paul," Rukia scooted up to him. "Got a girlfriend or anything?"
"I'm Kaien not Paul," Paul said. "And I have a long sob story about my missing wife, but if I were Paul, I'd definitely be single."
"Hey!" Ganju protested, "Let's get back to the story here, people!"
"Oh, uh," Rukia gasped. "How terrible?"
"It was on a dark and story night, much like this," Paul smiled. "No one knows what happened to her. She just disappeared."
"That wasn't long!" Ichigo interjected. "Anyway, I bet Paul just cut her lines."
"I did not!" Paul shouted. "I mean, Kai—Paul did not!"
"Oh, okay," Ichigo nodded. "If Kaien says so. I'd take his word over Paul's any day."
The lights went out again.
When they came back on, Ichigo was dead, lying in a puddle of his own blood.
AN: Let me remind you that this is not real blood, just corn syrup and ketchup. Nothing graphic here, people.
"Ichigo!" Kukaku screamed, falling to her knees beside Ichigo's still body. "I barely knew you, but I could have spent my life with you! Oh, my Ichigo, why?" She cradled his head in her arms. "Why are you leaving me? I can't live without you!"
"That's beautiful," Ichigo whispered.
AN: You're supposed to be dead!
"Sorry," Ichigo whispered again.
The lights went out.
It was Ganju.
The lights went back on.
Everyone looked around.
Kukaku and Ichigo now shared a puddle of blood.
AN: We couldn't afford any more...Paul.
AN: This is not the author. This is Paul. I'm just using her computer to point something out. PND, I'm just using the funds our oh-so-wonderful producer, Aizen, gave us.
AN: Ah, so Aizen's behind this! You'd think he'd be able to chip out more than twenty bucks to pay for this.
"Kaien?" Rukia looked around frantically. "Where are you?"
"Sorry," Paul came back. "Right here. Wait a second. Ichigo? Ichigo, coffee break's over!"
"I'm back, I'm back!" Ichigo skidded into the blood. "Okay, I'm dead. Let's go!"
"Kukaku!" Ganju screamed. (He was only slightly surprised.)
Paul kind of just shrugged. "Ganju's next."
"What?" Ganju looked frightened. "Why me?"
"Well, it's not like they're going to kill us," Paul laughed, as if that were a ridiculous idea. "I'm the handsome one and she's the love interest."
"I'm going to live?" Rukia looked hopeful.
"Yeah," Paul nodded, giving her a charming smile. "I'll even take you out for dinner afterward."
"Oh, um, I'm sorry," Rukia looked apologetic. "But I kind of have this thing for Paul."
"But..." Paul ripped off the Kaien wig. "I am Paul!"
"Not anymore!" Ganju flipped the breaker.
The lights went out.
AN: Gotta get those lights fixed...
The lights came back on. Paul was...well...face down in a puddle.
Ichigo was very slowly licking the syrup from the floor. Very slowly because he was dead and he seemed to think that if he didn't move fast then we wouldn't notice.
Kukaku was fairly good at playing dead. Wasn't breathing or nothing.
Rukia stood, staring at the bodies. "Kaien!"
"Looks like he didn't read the end of the script, huh?"
"Ganju?" Rukia looked at him.
AN: Does anyone else think Rukia believes this is real?
"It is!" Ganju shouted. "I am the killer!"
The lights went out.
The four of them were lying on the floor. Ichigo was still eating the ketchup-mixture, Kukaku still wasn't breathing, and Paul was grumbling to himself.
"I can't believe I died," he muttered, sitting up. "PND, you changed the script!"
AN: Hehe. Sorry, Paul.
"What's wrong?" Rukia asked, rubbing Paul's back soothingly.
"I was supposed to be the killer."
"That's why I didn't want to go to dinner with you," Rukia sniffed. "Paul would never murder anyone."
"I am Paul," Paul said firmly, not believing how dense she was. "I took off the wig."
"Oh," Rukia's eyes widened. "Oh, Paul!"
"So, uh, did you want to go out for dinner?"
"Yes!" Rukia jumped to her feet happily.
"What about us?" Ichigo called, dumping Kukaku's body off of him.
"You're not invited." Paul said stiffly.
AN: Kukaku, you can get up now. Kukaku? Somebody check on Kukaku!