/ Author's Note: It's honestly been a while since I've written a fanfic this crazy! I wouldn't count it as one of my most well-written pieces, but that's because it was mainly made for the sake of humor and fun. Uhmm... I was inspired by all the numerous Skye fanfics that have popped up since HM:DS Cute came out. I have nothing against Skye/Skye-lovers/Skye-fanfic authors, I just find it really amusing how everyone's pounced on him and shredded him into fanfic fodder so soon. Yeah, don't flame me going "ARGH WTF DUDE SKYE IS THE BEST GO HUMP A CHICKEN", because this is all for fun. And I apologize in advance if I offend any fangirls, Marlin-fans, gays, archaeologists, or leprechauns... XD Rated T for mild swearing and sexual content. Enjoy! End Author's Note /
Skye M U S T Die
- - - - -
The crickets chirped in syncopation and the valley wind blew through the trees ominously. Night had fallen over the small town residing in Forget-Me-Not valley, but not all of its citizens were sleeping. In fact, a select few were wide awake, preparing to gather at the Blue Bar for a meeting of dire importance.
Rock was one of these people. He lay in his bed, though he was awake, and stared at his clock. It was almost midnight. 11:55. 'Good enough for me.' he thought. He was never very patient. Shoving aside his covers, he got up and walked to his door, already fully clothed. Brushing his blonde bangs out of his face, he turned the knob and tip-toed down the hallway. Nami was sound asleep, and Ruby had fallen asleep with her head propped up on her elbow on the kitchen counter.
"Mmf, eggplants and miso... That's right, both of them... Oh my, extra miso? You bad, bad boy..." she mumbled dreamily to herself. Rock continued on, pushing the door open and walking out into the crisp night air. The streets were empty, except for a green-clad man who Rock often mistook for a leprechaun. In fact, there wasn't any evidence suggesting that he wasn't a leprechaun...
Rock and Gustafa exchanged looks, but said nothing. Those were their instructions. They walked in silence, keeping a fair distance between them, until they arrived at the Blue Bar. The lights were on, despite the 'CLOSED' sign that hung on the door.
"There they are!" shouted an aged, black-haired man frantically. Carter adjusted his too-small-for-his-eyes glasses and the rest of the men looked up. Marlin, the the village's resident mopey kid (with an Elvis-esque hairstyle), Carter, the elderly archaeologist with a fetish for younger girls, Griffin, the bar-tender and local guitarist, Daryl, the mad scientist who claimed to have a mermaid in his basement, Wally, an athletic man in his forties, Cody, a rough-looking artist with a blonde mohawk, and ... Galen?
"...Galen, what the hell are you doing here?" Rock asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Your wife's dead, man."
"Thanks for reminding me, asshole." grumbled the old man before limping out of the bar, leaving a rather awkward silence in his wake. Griffin coughed.
"Well... then," Griffin regained his composure. "You all know why you're here, right?"
The rest of the men nodded and gathered around a table. If this was a movie, imagine some sneaky spy music going on, or something. Griffin dropped a square photograph on the table, of a silver-haired man with a teasing grin, framed in a white border. His good-looking face almost looked as if it was mocking them - or at least, that's what it seemed like to a group of angry, jealous men. "We're here to discuss the matter of... Skye. Also known as, the worst thing to ever happen to Forget-Me-Not."
"Here, here!" said Carter heartily. "He is naught but an annoyance! A plague upon our fair town! A knave! A scoundrel!" He jumped up and down for emphasis.
"Yo, chill." Rock gave him an awkward glance.
"Well, Carter's got the right idea." Griffin said. "Ever since he came here, he's been flirting it up with all the village girls, and for some reason, they all love him!"
"Damn him!" Marlin spat. "Damn him and his friggin' charismatic lines and flowing silver hair and roguish good looks..." He trailed off.
"Dude... is Marlin gay?" Rock whispered in Gustafa's ear.
"I love you too, man, I love you too." Gustafa said back, not bothering to whisper. His expression was always hidden behind those damn black glasses he wore.
"What?" asked Cody in his low, gruff voice. "He stole a painting from me, and I just want it back."
"Cody... This isn't really about that. We're more worried about him stealing our girls, here." Griffin pointed out.
"Yeah! And who likes art anyway? Only a fruit would, that's who. Yeah, a fruit." Marlin said hastily, his eyes clearly checking out Cody's muscles.
"Uh..." there was a sudden lull in the conversation.
"Right. So. About the girls." Rock said.
"This is a serious problem guys!" Griffin exclaimed. "Just the other day, I swear I saw Muffy sneaking out to go have a romp with him in the forest or something. I asked her about it the next morning and she just told me she had to feed the Harvest Sprites at the Goddess pond - whatever those are."
"Where is Muffy, anyway?" Cody asked.
"Oh, she said she had to go out to feed the Harvest Sprites aga-- DAMMIT."
Rock howled with laughter, and Gustafa joined in without knowing why he was laughing.
"See, this is why we need to stop Skye!" Griffin said seriously.
"Dude, not to defend Skye or anything, but Muffy would do anything that moves. Or... doesn't move. I'm pretty sure I saw her making love to that coat-rack once." They all turned simultaneously at the innocent-looking coat rack standing by the door. Dreamy expressions appeared on all the men's face.
"I daresay, that coat rack is one lucky fellow..." Carter mumbled.
"Guys?" Asked Marlin, interrupting the mental fantasy that the other men were absorbed in. "Can we get back to plotting the downfall of the very evil - yet oh-so-sexy - Skye?"
"The very evil yet what?" Griffin looked at him.
"Uh - nothing."
"Anyway, I used to be the ultimate player around here! He's ruining my reputation!" Rock exclaimed, slamming his fist on the table. "I mean, dammit, he's stolen all my fangirls! is practically overflowing wiyh 'Blah blee bloo I WUV SKYE' fanfics!"
"Fanwhat?" Cody grunted.
"Ah, It's nothing."
"He broke into Lumi's house the other night, interrupting a rather intimate moment, if you know what I mean..." The men around Rock all whooped and cheered, "... And he just started pouring Lumi's jewellery into his bag!"
"And what did Madam Lumina do?" asked Carter.
"She ... uh. Well, she kind of kicked me out of the bed."
"Did she invite him in?"
"...He pretty much invited himself."
"And she did not protest?!"
"... She did! Well, she screamed a lot."
They all looked at him.
"...In... in pleasure."
"You poor, poor man." Carted gave him a pat on the back.
"Dude... I know what you mean." Said Gustafa. "He totally broke into my Nami and made out with my yurt..." He then fell asleep in his seat.
"My experience was even worse! He just casually walked into my house and Celia invited him upstairs for cake. Then I walked up and saw them going at it like bunnies!" Marlin seemed to be reliving the experience in his head as a dreamy expression took over his face.
"Uh... Well, I can't imagine Celia getting much satisfaction from you." Cody said.
"Excuse me? You did not just go there." Marlin growled.
"I walked in on Skye taking a bubble-bath with my Mermaid!" Daryl spoke at least, keeping Marlin from attacking Cody.
"Dude, mermaids don't exist." Rock rolled his eyes. "And even if they did, it wouldn't be... anat - anamotic - anatomic - she wouldn't have anywhere for him to park his car, if you get what I mean."
"You can't park a car on a mermaid, Rock." Daryl said matter-of-factly. "Cars don't exist, stupid."
"What the hell?! You've got it all backwards!"
"I think you've got it backwards."
"Mermaids don't exist!"
"You don't exist."
"Besides, you're not one to talk. Don't you lust after Flora all the time?"
"Yeah, man! Flora is hot! Just like all girls!" said an over-enthusiastic Marlin.
"WHAAAAT?!" roared Carter. "MY FLORA?!" He suddenly gained super-human strength, which either stemmed from his over-protectiveness over Flora, or the fact that she was probably the only girl who'd ever sleep with him and he needed to keep it that way. He picked up the sleeping Gustafa and hurled him at Daryl.
"Put that leprechaun down -- OOF!" Daryl fell over.
Gustafa got up and looked around, said, "...Dude, did I just fly here?", and walked out the door in a daze.
"Okay, we really haven't gotten anywhere in this meeting." Griffin let out a sigh of frustration. "Let's go over the facts again, maybe we can find a weakness. He's a thief."
"He loves curry." Rock added.
"He wears rather exotic-looking leopard pelt." said Carter.
"And he's a freakin' tiger in bed." Marlin purred under his breath. 'Dammit, did I just say that out loud?'
Everyone looked at him.
"I mean - that's what Celia told me. You know - my girl-friend, Celia? She's a girl, by the way, guys."
"Wait - that's it!" Griffin exclaimed. "We'll lure him over with curry and then poison it and he'll be dead!"
"Wait, we're killing him now? I thought we just wanted to chase him out of town." Wally scratched his head.
"Skye must die!" chanted Griffin - and just when you thought he was the only sane one.
"Besides, I don't think he's dumb enough to fall for that. He's managed to seduce all our girls behind our backs and in some cases, in front of our faces. He's not going to fall for curry!"
"And I wouldn't want to waste any of mine..." Carter remarked, having recovered from his Hulk moment with all his clothing in one piece - thank the goddess. "Flora absolutely loves the stuff." Daryl was seen taking fervent notes on a napkin.
"Okay then, we also know he likes girls." Griffin grinned. "So, we just need to diguise one of us as a girl, lure him into bed, and POISON HIM."
"What is with you and poison, man?!"
"Skye must die! SKYE MUST DIE!"
"Well, Rock is the most femenine-looking. He's perfect for the job." Carter scratched his stubbly chin as he frowned at Rock.
"No!" Marlin suddenly bellowed. "I'll do it! I'll... uh... take one for the team. Besides, Rock's a good pal, he's helped me out of tons of situations, I'll ... take his place to repay him."
"Dude, I've never done anything for you." Rock frowned. "I don't even like you that much. And quite honestly, you're pretty creepy."
Marlin was silent for a few seconds. "Well... there was that time when you..."
"Okay, so It's quite clear that Marlin just wants to be the one to wear the dress." Cody grunted. "Moving on."
Cody looked up, ignoring Marlin's stammered protests. "Where will we get this poison, anyway?"
"We can ask the Witch Princess! She's a witch, you know." Daryl nodded his head. "She will surely have some."
"Witches don't exist either, Daryl!" Rock said irritably. "None of these crazy creatures you come up with exist!"
"Right." huffed the scientist. "Next you'll be telling me Harvest Sprites don't exist."
"They don't!" Rock protested.
"Oh really?! Then what the hell is Muffy feeding right now?!" Daryl demanded. They all exchanged looks and decided not to answer him.
"Okay, so we need a dress for Marlin to wear." Griffin said, getting back to business."
"I - Celia has one. It fits me quite well." Marlin nodded confidently. No one asked.
"And a wig." Cody said, eyeing Marlin's hair. "It'll be hard turning Marlin into a drag-queen while he looks like the king of rock."
"What? Is that some kind of innuendo?" Rock asked, glaring.
"No, It's just what they used to call - Okay, you know what? Nevermind."
"He'll need a wig, too." Griffin remarked.
"I have - Er - Vesta has one." Marlin stammered.
"Why on earth would Vesta need artificial hair?" inquired Carter.
"Shut up! Don't judge! Some people just like to feel pretty!" Marlin spat. "Not that you'd know!!"
Carter looked crestfallen. "Are you implying that... that I'm not pretty...?" he sobbed.
Griffin clapped his hands together. "Well, we're all set, it looks like. Now we just need to get you all dolled up and find Skye."
"When it comes to ladies, It's usually Skye who finds them.", the blonde pointed out.
As if the situation was a pre-planned fanfiction written by some cosmic being - which it isn't, by the way - the door swung open at that very moment and in walked a very casual Skye. His silver hair was slightly tousled, his shirt was only half-tucked in and was unbuttoned in several places, and his damn grin was in place on his smug face.
"Wh-What are you doing? Can't you see this place is closed?" Griffin bellowed.
Skye looked around mockingly. "It doesn't seem to be closed."
All the men stared at the newcomer in bewilderment (or, in admiration, in Marlin's case), completely shocked that the man they were planning to kill had just casually sauntered into their presence. Then, with a sudden rush of anger, they all began to yell.
"You slept with my girlfriend!!"
"You stole my painting!!"
"You stole my fanbase of drooling girls!"
"I'M PRETTY, DAMMIT!"
"Uh, Yeah! You slept with my girlfriend! Which is what I usually do with her! Because I like girls!'
"Tell them my mermaid exists!! Tell them!"
Skye looked around, completely bewildered. "Gentlemen, gentlemen. Calm down!" he said, his gentle voice carrying a firmness that quieted the men almost immediately. "I don't know what any of you are talking about. I'm no different from you - I just wanted to come in here for a drink after a long night of work."
"Work?!" spat Carter.
"Yeah, I was just making the rounds, if you know what I mean." He flashed a grin and tucked his shirt in, topping the whole thing off with a wink.
"...Screw the disguise, GET HIM, MARLIN!" bellowed Griffin. Marlin was out of his seat before Griffin even finished his sentence, and pounced on Skye, perfectly happy to act out his repressed fantasies right there on the floor of the Blue Bar...
"Damn, that's a fate worse than death." Rock let out a low whistle.
The night was pierced by Skye's shrill scream, and needless to say, after that night, the silver-haired thief was never seen in Forget-Me-Not Valley again.