Edited: Tuesday 10th of December 2013. Punctuation and grammar.
June 17th 1912
Today my wildest dreams came true. It was confirmed by Doctor Henry that I am indeed with child. Jack's child. A part of him that I will have to cherish forever. Just the thought of his child being inside of me growing at this very minute has instantly brought tears to my eyes. While I am so very happy at this news. Just the thought of not having Jack around at this time in my life has given me the most heart wrenching pain I have felt since that night I lost the love of my life. The thought of raising a baby by myself is frightening me to my very soul. I am a young woman barely eighteen years of age and with child. Townspeople will frown upon me, think of me as some sort of whore. I have so many mixed emotions. I am unsure of whether to smile or cry until my hearts content. I wish for nothing other than Jack to be here this moment in time, even if just for a minute. To share his thoughts of me carrying his child. He would have been so happy, an excellent father. Loving, caring and generous, just like the man he was.
I still see his face smiling at me when I cry or his voice soothing me. Ever since that fateful night I have wished for nothing more than my life to end, so I could see my love once more and live eternally in peace. But now I have a reason to live, to carry on fighting this long battle. For I have life within me, a life created by the most amazing thing on earth; a love that a man and woman share.
My dream to be a moving picture actress must now be put on hold. Jack gave me so many new hopes and dreams that we would have shared together. He gave me faith in myself to follow my dreams. I plan to visit Santa Monica pier one day, I will tell my unborn child tales of its father and our dreams. I will ride a horse on the beach, I will visit Santa Monica pier and ride on the rollercoaster until my stomach churns.
I plan to continue my job as a waitress at Stacey's Sandwich's until I am far in my pregnancy. I need the money and work experience although I will not exhaust myself and hopefully my good health will continue throughout my pregnancy so I will bear a healthy baby.
Placing the fountain pen back into the ink pot. Rose Dawson sighed heavily and placed her shaking hand over her flat stomach. Just the thought of having a child inside her made feel more confident than ever. Can I do this? Was the question she repeated over and over to herself. She had to. She knew that. In 7 months to the day she was due to give birth to her unborn child.
Seven months. Not very long until she was due to give birth, but looking back seven months ago felt like an eternity. Seven months before it would have been November 1911. She had turned seventeen that month. Her life had heavily been planned around her, her birthday party was planned. She was due to attend several polo matches and then a Christmas marriage proposal from her then fiancé Caledon Hockley. The wedding day had been set and the wedding was been planned around her by her mother and her socialite friends. Everything from the colour of her dress, to the flowers and food was already planned. Rose had felt trapped, and scared. Would she ever have been happy? Is this what all girls her age went through? All of her finishing school friends seemed so happy to be going to university to find a suitable husband and settle down. Rose was envied and she knew that, every event she attended, she was stared at and envied. Most girls would have given anything to be marrying into the Hockley family. Caledon was a great catch and he had picked her to be his wife. At first she had felt flattered and actually for a short time she thought she had felt some sort of love for him. But after a while, he began to control her, from the dress she wore, to when she was allowed to leave her house. Rose didn't want to settle down, for she had been a sixteen year old girl with dreams to dance and paint and travel the world. Especially to Paris, the art capital of the world. She longed to visit there and view all of the magical scenery and art for herself. Knowing of her longing to travel Europe, Cal had arranged for himself, Rose and Ruth to travel as an engagement surprise and by the time they would return to the States, Rose knew she would become Mrs Caledon Hockley.
Her trip through Europe had been seen through the windows of hotel rooms and carriages. She longed to visit the museums, the art galleries, to climb the Eifel Tower and visit the Moulin Rouge which had been so famous from the artist Toulouse. His paintings had inspired her to want to taste the French wine and smell the fresh flowers from the countryside and take in the spectacular scenery. Instead she had attended galas, polo matches and dined with millionaires whom she found to be very boring and narrow minded, same as her other acquaintance she dined with.
On the trip back home, Caledon bought tickets aboard the Titanic, the biggest moving object ever built by the hand of man, the unsinkable ship, the ship of dreams, the legend. Onboard her misery has continued, her life had no colour, no spark and no meaning. She had felt like a possession or a showpiece for Cal and her mother or a dog which was rewarded with a bone if done a good trick. Rose, however was rewarded with another piece of expensive jewellery. This time it had been Le Coeur de la Mer, a 56 carat diamond necklace shaped into a blue heart. She had to admit it certainly took her breath away when it had been presented to her, it was undeniably beautiful. The necklace had felt like a dog collar around her neck when she wore it. Unknown to anyone else, the necklace was still in her possession. She rarely took the piece out, but when she did she felt mixed emotions, she had remembered the drawing Jack drew of her nude in her stateroom, her stomach still churned when she thought of the nerves she felt when she undid that robe and the first man to ever see her exposed body looked at her in awe. But she also remembered Cal, the evil man he was and how she hated him. She had thought of selling it from time to time but she remembered she could get by without Cal's help. She had done very well so far. She had settled in downtown New York and had a job at a small sandwich shop as a waitress which paid very well for now and she had taken up residence in a small boarding house, with a very nice couple named Andrew and Betsy Evans and they too were expecting their first child at just twenty.
She would have to work her way from the bottom, she had dreams to become a moving picture actress or to perform in some way to an applauding audience and maybe her unborn child would look on proudly at its mother. And maybe somewhere Jack would look on proudly too.
She always still felt him with her, in heart and her mind. He lived on with her, helping her to face the next day without him there by her side but she knew he was watching her from somewhere. She had cried herself to sleep for many nights since the night of April the 14th. She had nightmares and then shook violently with fear as she had seen Jack's beautiful face disappear beneath the freezing cold waters of the North Atlantic ocean. Without him there it seemed life once again had no meaning. He had given her life meaning, he had given her life colour and spark. He'd made her see things she'd never seen or feel things she'd never felt and probably never feel again. He'd opened her eyes to the gift that life was and that it shouldn't be wasted. He had saved her life in more ways then she could have ever imagined, he had given her faith and he helped create the life that was inside of her now.
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Rose closed her diary and tied a ribbon around it and placed it back beneath her pillow. She stood and brushed her dress from the crumbs of her dinner and proceeded to walk to the wardrobe and she looked wearily at the small selection of coats and dresses she had. It was a far cry from the fine clothes she had once worn. Her stomach for now was almost flat but as soon as her stomach was to grow she knew she'd have to buy more clothes on such a tight budget, as well as buy baby clothes and necessities and a crib. Tears once again formed in Rose's crystal green eyes as she threw herself back on the bed and sobbed into her pillow. She had nothing; she could barely keep herself beside a child. Suddenly, Jack's face appeared before her smiling, nothing more. He seemed to offer his hand to her and as she sat forward and reached out delicate out to his, he faded back into Rose's imagination.
It was then she realised that she could do this. She could raise Jack's child. She could be a good mother, she had found the strength from somewhere to remove her head from her pillow and a feeling of peace and calmness come over her. Her pain seemed to fade and her wounds healed. Her full lips curved into a small smile as she placed her hand over her stomach protectively. This wasn't the life she had expected for herself. But it was a better path to follow then been in the chains of been a society girl and raising her children in misery with a father like Cal.
After saying a short prayer and thanking Jack for his strength and guidance, Rose settled her head down on her pillow and drifted into the calmest, peaceful sleep she's had in years.
Jack Charles Dawson was born in the early hours of January 17th 1913. With a full head of blonde curls and big blue eyes, he was the mirror image of his father. Rose had cradled him until he had slept where she shed tears of happiness and sadness. She had a healthy 6lb 11oz son, but Jack hadn't been there to witness the miracle. Rose named her son after his father, hoping he would grow into a happy young boy and go onto have the same caring, kind hearted nature which his father had possessed.