It's such a nice night out, isn't it? Maybe a little chill, but it's nothing we can't handle. As long as I'm in your arms right now, I'm fine. Just a little while longer in your arms, watching the stars. Did you finish the bottle? Maybe we could have another drink before we do this.
Why the carousel? I want this to be perfect, this last memory. How many times have we come here as the horses rest, lying down on the wood and talking of the future? Every time I think of the carousel, I think of you. Every time I think about virtually anything, I think of you, but that is nothing new. Now that we're here, we don't need to talk about out future anymore. We don't need to talk of dreams that would have been impossible to accomplish or how we would accommodate my art career. We don't need to talk at all, but I don't think I could handle it if I left and didn't get to hear your voice.
God, Chris, your heart is pounding, I can feel it against my cheek.
No, don't think of it like that.
Because I've told you what it means to me. This is how it needs to go. This is helping me, despite what you may believe. I know that I won't fully be at peace until this takes place. If there were some other way, then I would do it. But I could never come up with one, and I haven't heard you speak of any other alternatives. Maybe you do know of some and you're just keeping them from me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But would you be here helping me do this if you knew of another way?
No, this is not because of you. Do you honestly believe that? If this was because of you, I never would have asked you to help me. And I'm sure that you wouldn't be doing this with me if it was because of you. You could easily forget me and move on to someone else. I mean, sure, you'd think of me for awhile, but sooner or later you would find someone else that would make you forget about me, forget about us, forget about this.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, either. I don't know what it is tonight. I know that you wouldn't dream of having me do this by myself. I know why you agreed to do this too. Maybe I'm just trying to make it okay, like if you're mad at me you won't care so much. You would do this and you wouldn't think twice about it. But that's not why I asked you to take me to the carousel tonight, it's not why I said that we should do this here. I wanted this to be such a perfect night before we did this. I'm sorry I keep messing up. I don't mean to keep messing up. We don't have to do it now, let's just lay here like this for a little while longer. Maybe I can make it up to you before I leave.
I have to talk about this like it's no big deal, Chris. Otherwise I will psyche myself out and I won't be able to do it.
You do have it, don't you? I just want to make sure.
I know you have your doubts about all of this. But don't think of this as something you're doing to hurt me. Because it's only physical, you're not hurting me in any other way. Think of this as something you're doing to save me. In all honesty, that's what you're doing by helping me. That and the fact that you decided that you wanted to leave right after I did let me know how much you loved me, how much you truly cared for me. Not that I'd ever doubted you.
We've done everything together, Chris. It makes sense that we do this one last thing together, just like everything else in our lives.
I've heard that it's so quick, there's no suffering. You don't need to worry. It's funny. For as long as I've known you, you have always been my protector. You have always been the one to tell me it will all be all right and that as long as I was with you, I would never be harmed. Now I'm the one telling you it's going to be okay. It's so strange. I'm not sure I like it.
I keep telling you not to look at it like that. You are not harming me by doing this. If you were, I wouldn't be asking you to do it. I know you would never want to harm me. You've got to trust me with this one, Chris. Please. You need to believe me. I know what I'm doing.
Of course I've thought about what could happen to us if we didn't do this. And it scared me. Even a few months from now, our relationship would change and I never wanted that. I love things the way they are now. And now that we're here, we know that the last time we see each other will be just like every other moment we've shared together. In the end, isn't that what we always wanted?
How do I know things will change? I just do; I know that's not a good answer, but you just need to trust me. Yes, I know I keep saying that. No, I'm not keeping anything from you. But we've got to face it; we've been going strong for so long now, it's almost too good to be true. Sooner or later, all good things must come to an end. I know that's not exactly what you want to hear, but in the end, does it even really matter, now that we're here?
Yes, I've thought everything through, I'm sure of everything, even if I would miss you. But wouldn't you end up in the same place I will sooner or later? We'll be fine.
Why did you just say that? Are you having second thoughts?
Then what is it?
I just know you would go through with it, you promised. I know there's always a possibility of you changing your mind after I leave, but I trust you. You've never given me a reason to doubt you before. I know you will pull through.
You keep saying that, you don't think you can do this to me. You underestimate yourself. And you're not doing this to me, you're doing this with me. Why won't you believe me when I say that?
I want you to do this because you are the only one I could ever trust to do this. When you look at it, who else do I really have? People have come and gone in my life, and through everything, I have always had you. You were always there for me, no questions asked. You were there for the first moments of my life. Doesn't it make perfect sense for you to be there for my last? I'm only sorry that I won't be able to be there for yours, but we can't have it both ways. That's not the way it works.
Of course I've looked back on everything we've been through. These past couple of days I've been so nostalgic, it's almost made me forget this whole thing. Almost. I thought of all the days and nights spent in your arms, the way we could say nothing and everything at the same time. How you've saved me from myself a million times over. I don't think I would have survived as long as I have without you. I know I wouldn't have survived as long as I have without you. You have done so much for me without me asking, and I love you so much for that.
I know it sounds so selfish, but I need you to give me this. One more thing. Just this last thing and you will never have to give me anything else again. I know that you just want me to be happy. Chris, this will make me happy.
Stop. I promise you that this has nothing to do with you. Please stop saying that. This is not how I want my last image of you to look. I have seen you in so many lights that I could paint a picture of you in pitch black, with my eyes closed. But I just want to live in this moment with joy, before it's gone.
What else will we have after this?
Well, I guess so. The afterlife. But we can't depend on that. We need to make this moment last, so I can take it with me as I leave.
Tell me I'm doing the right thing.
Thank you. I guess we shouldn't put this off much longer. It feels so nice to be in your arms, but we need to get up, we need to do this. Just one last kiss, for me?
Are you ready?
You're sure you have it? Please tell me you have it, it has to be now. It has to be now. I can't put this off any longer.
Wow. It's heavier than I thought.
No, it's okay. I think I can handle it. I just need you to help me. I was never a good shot.
Yeah. I know you know.
It feels a little weird, having this against me. It'll be so quick, I won't feel anything, right?
What my finger's on, that's the trigger…isn't it? Keep your hand there, please just keep your hand there.
Do you think it would be better if I closed my eyes?
Yeah. I can't see anything in front of me. And yes, I love my last image of you. I can see it right now.
So this is it, isn't it? On the count of three, okay?
What did you say?
I love you, too.