Disclaimer: I do not own any of the 48 characters who appear in this story; they are all properties of Nintendo, kindly screwed up by me.
This is how I imagine a bunch of drunk smashers would act. Take no offense if anything seems offensive...I don't know what offends you guys. Believe me, I felt like puking a few times while typing this (I HATE yaoi so those scenes were really brief), but the inspiration for everything else was too good to pass up.
Crazy Hand had recently opened up a bar in the Brawl Manor basement, without Master's permission or knowledge of course, just to give the smashers something new to explore: being drunk out of their minds!
You see, up until this point, the smashers had been unexposed to any form of alcohol or other such drinks. Master had strictly forbidden it, for he liked to keep things orderly. Of course, with the new bar open, all of the smashers just HAD to try this 'evil poison', as Master would have called it. So, one night, while both hands were away at a Nintendo conference, all 40-some smashers gathered at the bar.
"Alright then. Now that we're all here, I say we get started!" Sonic, self appointed bartender, raised up the empty glass jugs. "Let's fill these babies up!"
Everyone (mostly everyone actually) cheered as Sonic began filling each glass up over the edge faster than anyone could see. Within 30 seconds, there were at least 100 jugs overflowing with beer, wine, and other alcoholic drinks all over the bar. 10 minutes later, everyone had settled into their chairs with their drinks.
"So-a, let's-a see what these-a drinks taste like!" Mario was the first to take a drink. It was just a sip at first, but soon he was chugging it down like crazy.
"Mamma-MIA! That's-a some HOT STUFF-A!" Mario raised his empty glass and jumped onto a table. "Come-a on! It's amazing-a!"
With all there doubts and fears gone, the other smashers guzzled down their own drinks and reached for seconds. Soon, those were gone too. Overcome by demand, Sonic quickly poured third and fourth and even fifth helpings.
Almost everyone had chugged down literally 4 bottles worth of beer and such in the first 20 minutes of the chaos-fest. Even the kids, Ness, Lucas, the Ice Climbers, and Red couldn't get enough. Much more level-headed then the others, Lucario only had 2 cups so far. Mewtwo refused to touch the stuff.
"Hey, Mewtwo, why aren't you having any?" Lucario offered a cup to the psychic pokemon.
"No thank you. I'd rather not." Mewtwo responded, grimacing at the contents of the cup.
"Why not?" Lucario asked.
"You cannot see the future. I can. And I'm not looking forward to it. The only reason I'm staying is to make sure Master doesn't catch you all doing this."
"Suit yourself." Lucario walked off with the beer.
By this point, the other smashers had become extremely drunk. And by extremely, I mean that they were tripping over their own feet with every other step. Evidently, it's not a good idea to take in 4 bottles of alcohol on your first exposure to the stuff.
"Hey…uh, you!" C. Falcon pointed over at ZSS shakily. "Wanna, uh…you know…do that thing…with the, uh, yeah?" His speech was badly slurred.
"Nah…he's, uh, helmetydid…and falconish, and me like, uh…do it more than funny birdman…" Snake came stumbling up to the two of them, tripping multiple times in the process.
"Yeah, me likes meso soup…" ZSS mumbled before falling on the ground, her knees unable to support her own weight any longer.
"Yayz! Sexy time…uh, now!" Snake fell on top of ZSS, unable to stand any longer either.
"Birdy's a comin' worm!" C. Falcon shouted before falling too.
"So I like pie…" Lucas was shouting out random nonsense as he stumbled across the room. "You like pie? I like pie. I like eggs. You like eggs? I like eggs."
"Yeah yeah, eggs…" Ness seemed to be affected by the alcohol in a far different way than his friend. Unlike Lucas, Ness was unbelievably grumpy as a result of his drinking binge. He was massaging his head and muttering random curses no one knew he knew.
"Eggs, eggs, eggsy eggs!" Lucas was, at this point, giggling and singing a random song about eggs as he swayed slightly on the spot.
"Yoshi yoshi shiyo YOSH!" Yoshi klutzily made his way around the bar. He was too drunk to talk English and was sucking random garbage into his mouth, laying strangely colored eggs in the process.
"EGGS!" Lucas was delighted at the sight of the random eggs and fell on top of one, crushing it. "Eggy machine…" He stared at Yoshi crazily before grabbing onto the poor dinosaur/dragon's neck.
"YOSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Yoshi was so startled that he began running in circles, tripping, getting up, and running again. Lucas held tight to Yoshi's neck, laughing maniacally.
"If I hear another yosh about eggs…" Ness grabbed out his bat and swung it wildly. In his drunken state, he couldn't aim at all, and ended up knocking himself out. Yoshi proceeded to running around Ness's unconscious body.
"Ah shuddup woudja!" Wolf yelled from a corner of the room. Fox and Falco were both piled on top of him. The three were rolling around a little bit. Pieces of their jackets were flying in all sorts of random directions. Inside of that pile of fur and feathers, the three could be seen making out. The problem was, all three were doing it at the same time.
"HA! I toldja they were…uh, whatta word?" Roy was sprawled out over a table nearby the StarFox characters.
"I thinks it's guiw." Ike mumbled. He was sprawled out above Roy.
"The word you're looking for is gay. And you shouldn't be one to talk." Marth was strangely, mostly still normal. His speech was fine, he could think clearly, but he was still affected by the alcohol.
"Ike, you're sitting on me in a very awkward position. Roy, that sword hilt is poking my ribs. I'm really having a hard time moving in here." Marth was affected, oh yes. He was stuck in the middle of this little Fire Emblem sandwich.
"Aw come on…ya knows ya likes it!" Ike pinched Marth in the ass.
"I'm so going to kill myself in the morning." Marth mumbled happily as Roy hugged his two companions.
In a different part of the room, King DDD was having yet another beer. But it wasn't from the cups.
"Kirby has become BEER KIRBY! He has the ability to say 'Poyo' and get drinken by a fatso penguin!" MetaKnight was sputtering out random information on Kirby, who was indeed getting 'drinken' out of by a 'fatso' penguin.
"Poyo poyo poy poy poy!" Kirby had also lost his ability to speak properly. He was shaped like a jug of beer and colored brown.
"Shut…up…heavenly…nectar…" King DDD sputtered out between gulps of a strange liquid pouring out of Kirby's head.
"Poyopoy!" Kirby continued rambling despite King DDD's multiple threats with Peach's parasol.
"No Kirby, metal wiring does not make decent sandwiches." MetaKnight was the only one who could understand Kirby's nonsense, and responded with equal nonsense of his own.
"Poy poyo poyo po?" Kirby continued to ramble.
"Yes Kirby, my Galaxia does have pimples." MetaKnight was, at this point, making a mess of the beer racks.
"POY! Poyo poy yo poyopo!" Kirby began cracking up.
"No Kirby, there is no ice cream in my mask." MetaKnight had somehow tied himself up with his own cape.
"SHUDDIT MOUNTY!!" King DDD chucked Kirby at MetaKnight's head, causing both to go unconscious. King DDD proceeded to find more beer.
Some distance away from the Star Warriors, Jigglypuff was entertaining a small group of drunken smashers. Drunk as she was herself, she still loved to sing. The strange thing was, she was singing well.
Pikachu and Pichu were doing a very bad rendition of square dancing as Jigglypuff staggered around the stage singing properly for the first time in her life.
ROB was hopping up and down, turning from side to side, much like how G&W usually dances.
G&W was nearby, doing the robot.
"Beep!" ROB started beeping randomly.
"Boop!" G&W chimed in.
"Pika!" Pikachu added to the mix.
"CHA!!" Pichu started rambling too.
"Beep beep bzzz."
"Boop bop beep!"
"Pika cha chu!"
"STOP MAKING FUN OF MY SPERM SHAPED BIRTHMARK!!" Red suddenly hollered.
Jigglypuff took no heed and continued to sing. She unfortunately crashed into Pikachu in the process. He in turn knocked down Pichu, who tripped G&W. G&W knocked over a glass of beer left carelessly on the dance floor, which spilled onto ROB. This caused a massive short circuiting which left everyone twitching on the floor, thinking they were still dancing.
"AND ANOTHER THING, I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING LAUGHED AT FOR MY GOOSE SHAPED BRUISES, UNDERARM RASH, OR HELLO KITTY KEYCHAINS!" Red continued to holler out more random embarrassing secrets, spilling beer all over Squirtle's head as he flailed his arms eccentrically.
"Squirtle, squirtle squirt squirt. Squirtle?" Squirtle obviously did not notice that he was being bathed in beer, for he was more concentrated on a card game with Ivysaur and Charizard.
"Ivy ivy ivysaur saur ivysaur." Ivysaur looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. His response was slow and drawn out, he was slightly drooling, and his cards were piled up on top of one of his vines.
"RAAAAOOOOOOOOOR!" Charizard, on the other hand, was far from disoriented and sleepy. He was on his feet, clumsily hopping up and down, and roaring with excitement. He didn't notice that with every hop, something in the room broke.
"Squirtle squirt squirtle!" The little turtle continued to pick up and put down cards, as if the other two were playing with him.
"Ivysaur…ivysaur…" Ivysaur had fallen into a half sleeping stage.
"RAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!" Charizard continued jumping up and down feverishly, stomping the floor on his way down.
STOMP. The deck of cards was flattened.
STOMP. Red's glass of beer shattered, not that he noticed.
STOMP. Squirtle's shell cracked.
Far away from this mini earthquake, Nana and Popo were having a nice rousing game of 'monkey in the middle,' only instead of a monkey, it was a little big-nosed astronaut.
"Jump jump as high as you can!" Nana sang as she smacked a purple pikmin into the air.
"You can't catch this, it's a pikiman!" Popo laughed as he smacked the pikmin back at his sister.
"No no! My poor pikimans!" Olimar jumped up and down pathetically as he tried to rescue his 'pikiman' from the Ice Climber's clutches, er, hammers.
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The pikmin was obviously delighted as the two siblings continued to abuse him, laughing maniacally.
Watching the whole thing from a nearby table, Olimar's other 5 pikmin were happily toasting their friend's demise over a bottle of wine. The pikmin were somehow more drunk than Olimar.
"Olimar be slow, Olimar be small." Nana hit the pikmin again.
"Olimar can't reach his pikiman at all!" Popo hit it back (how drunk do those two have to be to suddenly turn evil?).
Back at the counter or the bar, Pit and Samus were still chugging down their drinks, which were then promptly refilled by Sonic.
"So she said that and I was like whatever but she still said that and this and I was like 'k and she was like nuh uh and I was like yeah and she was like no wai and…" Pit continued to ramble despite the obvious fact that no one was paying attention.
Samus grumbled a bit as she took another cup of beer. Her visor went up and she splashed her drink at her face. Only about a fourth of the cup's contents actually found its way into her mouth; the rest ended up on her power suit. The power suit short circuited a little, slightly shocking Samus, then let out a little smoke.
"OutofbeerhuhwellIcangetyoumorebeerjustyouwaitandseeIcangetyoumorerightnowthereyougoallfilledup!" Sonic looked like he had swallowed a cartoon alarm clock, the kind that shakes uncontrollably when ringing, and it was ringing. He was talking so fast it was nearly impossible to tell what he said.
"MoreforyouPitIcangetyoumoreIcangetyoumorerealfastyepjustwaitandseeohlookyoudidn'tevenhavetowait!" Sonic refilled Pit's empty glass quick as a flash as the angel continued his ranting.
"Mmbmbp…" Samus took her now overflowing cup and splashed in her face once more.
Not far from the counter, Mario, Luigi, and Doc were huddled together, mumbling in Italian.
"Dico che mettiamo Bowser in una gabbia e che forzo la principessa arrampicare una scala infinita per salvarlo." Luigi whispered (translation: I say we put Bowser into a cage and force the princess to climb an endless staircase to rescue him.)
"Che cosa se li trova? Sono spaventato." Mario whispered back, clearly terrified. (What if she finds us? I'm scared.)
"Siete un tal vigliacco. Dico che lo facciamo!" Doc whispered confidently, yet evilly. (You're such a coward. I say we do it!)
"Renda la caduta di Bowser addormentata. Allora lo prenderemo!" Luigi said softly yet sinisterly. (Make Bowser fall asleep. Then we'll take him!)
"Sì!" Doc raised his hand in triumph. (Yes!)
"Sì…" Mario whimpered a little as the other two laughed maniacally. (Yes…)
Unknown to the 3 disillusioned plumbers, Bowser and Peach were sitting in a table right next to them. However, seeing that both were drunk and neither fluent in Italian, they were clueless as to what was being discussed.
"Bowser, shall we go for a stroll in the rosemary garden?" Peach asked the giant turtle in a seductive way (the alcohol seemed to be affecting her choice in boyfriends…).
"What rosemary?" Bowser asked stupidly.
"Or perhaps a day at the seaside would be more suitable for you, being a turtle and all." Peach's voice had a distinct British accent to it.
"Where seaside? Who turtle?" Bowser's voice, on the other hand, sounded like it belonged to an illiterate caveman.
"Oh dear, forgive me. It seemed to slip my mind that you are a fire turtle and therefore must have an aversion to water." Peach giggled a little.
"Fire?" Bowser seemed to be contemplating hard about something. A few minutes later…
"FIRE! NO FIRE, FIRE BAD!" Bowser started shouting his head off and breathing flames by accident, freaking himself out even more.
"So I take it that Saturday night is no good for you then?" Peach called out over Bowser's screams of fear, all the while calmly smiling as if she were talking to a newborn kitten.
"Amanti che progettano una data? State andando avere bisogno dei soldi!" Wario just happened to be walking through and overheard Peach talking (Lovers planning a date? You're going to need money!).
Wario pulled out a big sack from one of his pockets. The sound of coins could be heard jingling inside.
"Qui, miniera dell'introito. Non lo ho bisogno." Wario handed Peach the bag before skipping off happily and humming to himself (Here, take mine. I don't need it.)
Not far from where Peach was sitting, Wario found DK and Diddy fighting in a groggy kind of way.
"Amici che hanno divertimento, ché cosa meravigliosa. Abbia certi soldi, amici!" Wario pulled out another sack of coins and tossed it at the Kongs, smiling happily (Friends having fun, what a wonderful thing. Have some money, friends!).
The Kongs stared at the sack.
"Ook. Oo oo ooah ook?" DK asked Diddy, his voice wavering.
"Oh oh oo oh ah." Diddy replied, his legs wobbling.
DK punched Diddy in the face.
"No! Gli amici non dovrebbero combattere i soldi eccessivi! Abbia un po'di più, io non lo desiderano." Wario pulled out another sack of coins and tossed it at the Kongs. (No! Friends should not fight over money. Have some more, I don't want it.).
The Kongs continued to fight without reason as Wario kept throwing coins at them, blathering in Italian.
As for the Hylians, they were having some 'family issues' as a result of their drinking binge: apparently, Link and Zelda thought they hated each other.
"Oh Ganondorf, tell me again how beautiful my eyes are." Zelda seemed to be daydreaming romantically while leaning onto Ganondorf's shoulder.
"How's about I just tell you how pathetic that fairy boy is?" Ganondorf secretly was not affected by the alcohol at all…a side effect of being the essence of evil most likely…and was taking full advantage of the situation.
"Even better." Zelda replied lazily.
"Hey mom! Can I go play in traffic?" YL came hopping up to Zelda, clearly very hyper.
"Sure dear." Zelda mumbled lazily.
"Dad, it's ok with you too right?" YL turned eagerly towards Ganondorf.
"Uh…sure?" Ganondorf, while fully enjoying Zelda's disillusioned state, found YL's reaction to alcohol a bit disturbing. He also felt really sorry for whatever kids Zelda may end up having if she lets them play in traffic…
A few yards away, Link and Sheik were having a passionate moment together: the kind Link used to have with Zelda before the alcohol ruined their minds.
"Mom, dad, is that what adults call the 'birds and the bees'? Is that how I was made?" TL skipped up to the two as they continued rolling on the floor.
"Get off my lawn you crazy kid!" Link pulled away from Sheik long enough to yell at the drunkenly hyper boy.
"Scram before we call the cops." Sheik managed to say before Link got back on her.
TL stared at the two with a stupid happy grin plastered on his face. "So is that a yes?"
Mewtwo was watching the entire scene unfold with horror. Not only were all of the smashers acting insane, the basement was also a complete mess. Tables and chairs were broken and over turned, and beer was all over the floor. Worst of all, Mewtwo could tell that Master and Crazy were only an hour away from the mansion.
"Hey, Mewtwo. You sure you don't want any?" Lucario walked up to his friend with another cup, but it was empty.
"Lucario, you do realize that cup is empty, don't you?"
"Oh, yeah. I must have finished it on the way over." Lucario tossed the cup over his shoulder, shattering it on the ground.
"Are you ok?" Mewtwo could tell there was something wrong.
"You know, I don't even know anymore. I feel kinda funny, in a good way though…" Lucario started swaying back and forth a little bit, smiling creepily.
Concerned, Mewtwo decided to see what was going on in Lucario's mind, and it wasn't good.
"Ok, Lucario, I think you had too much to drink, you need to calm down and forget about everything going through your mind right now." Mewtwo backed away a little.
"So you read my mind eh?" Lucario approached Mewtwo in an evil fashion. "Well, what do you say?"
"No, no way am I going to let you do that!" Mewtwo charged a Shadow Ball in defense.
"But I love you!"
"How drunk ARE you right now!?"
Lucario dashed at Mewtwo, who flew away just in time. But the basement's ceiling was low and the door blocked. Lucario wouldn't have any problems reaching Mewtwo.
"Lucario, calm down. You are drunk; everything going through your mind is just an alcohol induced hallucination." Mewtwo was trying to snap his friend back to his senses as Lucario tried to leap at him.
"I don't care, just get down here so that we can (CENSORED FOR HIGHLY SUGGESTIVE THEMES)!" Lucario was chasing after Mewtwo like Kirby would a giant hot dog.
This chasing and arguing ensued for about 10 minutes before Mewtwo had enough.
"MASTER HAND IS GOING TO BE BACK IN 45 MINUTES!" Mewtwo hurled his Shadow Ball and knocked Lucario into the wall.
"Ow my head." Lucario got up and rubbed his head. Suddenly, what Mewtwo had shouted registered in his head.
"Wait, Master is going to be back in 45 minutes?" Lucario looked around at the chaos of the basement. "We are dead."
Behold my sucktastic ending! I seriously suck at writing good conclusions, so I decided to let the readers imagine their own endings instead of screwing up the whole story by typing one up.
Also, I got that Italian dialog off of an online translator, and everyone knows those aren't the most trustworthy things out there. If anyone speaks fluent Italian, let me know if there are mistakes.