Lyra and the Lie Detector

A/N:  This is probably going to be really, really stupid, and this is my first fan-fic, so bear with me.  Personally, I think it's gonna be worth it, as long as we get some FUNNY HDM fan fics!  (Gives a long long round of applause for people who have already written one and contemplates sending them little boxes of chocolate before she realizes that she doesn't know their addresses and doesn't have the money to buy chocolates, anyway.)  So here it goes!

A/N:  Also, just in case you have no common sense whatsoever, I ought to tell you that I do not own any of these characters.  And if you have no common sense whatsoever and took offense at that comment, I'm sorry.  Deal with it.

P.S.  Don't ask me what a colloquial tube is.  It sounded good, so I left it at that.  You will understand momentarily. 

The Lie Detector

Lee Scoresby:  Lyra… Will… I have had many complaints from the readers.  Apparently they feel you are not giving honest answers to their questions.  So we have today set you both up to a lie detector machine. 

Will:  Yeah, I… noticed.

Lyra:  It's kinda hard not to realize that you're hooked up to a large, ugly hunk of metal.  We're not STUPID, after all.

Lee:  Look, shut up, all right?  I realize you know that, but I'm trying to give some background information to our readers here!

Will:  (snorts) What makes you think they'll listen to you, anyway?  You're just a minor character!

Lee:  (reddening) Am not!

Lyra:  Are too!  And besides, you're dead!

Lee:  (pauses) Oh yeah… I forgot… (shakes his head rapidly)  Don't bother me with details!  I need to get this done!  Lyra, we'll start with you.  How did you read the alethiometer?

Lyra:  I had a natural talent.  It's like focusing on something underwater…

Lee:  Don't give me that bull.

Lyra:  Huh?

Lee:  The needle's flying all over the place!

Lyra:  S-s-s-so?

Lee:  So tell us how you really did it.

Lyra:  (sighs) Fine.  I made it up.

Lee:  WHAT?!?!

Lyra:  (irritated) What part of that is hard to understand?  I asked a question, looked at the little hands wavin' around all over the place, saw the pictures, and made up something that sounded good.

Will:  And looked good while doin' it, too.

Lee:  (shocked) Well, then, how did you manage to predict all those things that happened?  How did you know everything?

Lyra:  The author obviously had no idea where the heck he was going with his plot half the time.  I think he just used what I said because my ideas were better than his.

Will: (proudly) She's sexy when she's intelligent, isn't she?

Lee:  Well… well… well, how did you know Dr. Malone had been a nun?

Lyra:  (snorts) She looked frumpy.  She either had to be a grandma or a nun.

Lee:  She wasn't that old!

Lyra:  (rolls her eyes and shrugs)

Lee:  Moving on… well, if you made up all that stuff, how did you make the hands on the alethiometer move?

Lyra:  Dust and magic.

Lee:  (sighs at the lie detector) You'll HAVE to do better than that.

Lyra:  (mutters under her breath) Annoying Texan nincompoop.  (continues in louder voice)  There were magnets.  In the sides of the alethiometer and in the hands.  You could move the magnets and make the hands swing around…

Lee:  So all of your readings were LIES?

Lyra:  (thinks for a minute) …yep.

Lee:  (huffs in frustration) NEXT question… why do you like popping open soda cans?

Lyra: (smiling slyly) Honestly?

Lee: Honestly.

Lyra: They turn me on.

Will: (interestedly) Really?

Lee: (interrupting quickly) NEXT QUESTION!…  What was it like being separated from Pantaliamon when you went to the Land of the Dead?

Lyra:  (opens her mouth and considers lying, but looks at the lie detector and gives it up as a lost cause) It actually wasn't that bad.  (sees disbelieving look on Lee's face) I'm serious!  I mean, all we were doing was going over two meters away from each other; it's not that big of a deal.  Actually, it was nice to get away from him for a while; you spend your entire life with some weird animal and you get sick of them after a while…  And me and Will got a chance to be alone for once.

Lee:  But… but you were crying!  You felt like something was being torn out of you!  And Pan was being ripped apart too!  He was watching you from the end of the dock with his sad eyes and being very noble and sad and all sorts of other depressing things!

Lyra: Yes, Pan was quite good, wasn't he?  I believe he was nominated for "Best Supporting Actor in a Fantasy Novel" at the Literary Awards this year… And as for all that crap about how I felt, you shouldn't believe everything you read.

Lee:  God, you're USELESS.  (turns to Will)  Will, I hope you aren't as disappointing as Lyra!  Here's your first question- did it really hurt that badly when your fingers were cut off?

Will:  What kind of dumb question is that?  Of course it hurt!  I had two fingers sliced off!  Did you notice the description of the blood flowing from the wounds?  Did you read the part about the constant throbbing ache?  Did that sound painless to you?

Lee:  Well, I was just asking.  Next ques… whoa!  The needle's scrawling everywhere!  So it DIDN'T hurt, then, when your fingers were cut off!

Will:  Um… yeah… that's right…

Lee:  Why's the needle moving?… WAIT.  (looks suspiciously at Will.)  …Were your fingers really cut off?

Will:  (sighs in complete and total exasperation) NO, they WEREN'T, nosy idiot! 

Lee:  (snatches Will's hand and sees five whole fingers) How the HECK did you manage that?

Will:  See, in my world, they have these things called novelty shops, and they sell things like rubber fingers

Lee: But what about all that blood?

Will:  Well, it wasn't really blood.

Lee: Not blood?  What did you use, then?

Will:  It was ketchup.  (Sees blank look on Lee's face and rolls his eyes.)  Come on, ketchup!  Smashed up salty tomatoes!  You know what this is!

Lee:  (weakly) How?

Will:  (sarcastically) Maybe ketchup has an inexplicable attraction to my hand and comes flying from all corners of all the worlds to gather around it.  (keeps talking as Lee opens his mouth to comment) Yes, yes, I know the damn needle's moving!  Fine!  I have a… problem…

Lyra: Deranged kleptomaniac obsession…

Will:  (to Lyra) Shut up!  (to Lee) I have a… deranged kleptomaniac obsession… with ketchup packets.  Every time I see one, I pick it up and take it with me, wherever I go.  It was quite easy to use this ketchup for blood.  People didn't even notice that my blood was naturally zesty.

Lyra:  (smiles and licks her lips) VERY zesty.

Lee:  How did you carry all of that ketchup with you?… never MIND, I DON'T want to know.  Next question: How did you get the subtle knife to work?

Will: I suppose it will do no good to tell you about finding a small gap between the worlds and sliding the knife in and along this gap?

Lee:  (examines lie detector) Um… nope.

Will: (sighs at the weight of Lee's stupidity and annoyingness) The knife had a little hologram projector at the end of it.  I just pressed a little button in the handle and it shined out a picture of another world… it was quite convincing, actually, even Lyra believed it was real at first.

Lyra: (scowling) Until you shined the thing in my eyes as I was trying to sleep.

Will:  Well, that really was funny, you know- not everyone can make sounds of a wet cat being systematically poked apart by deranged chickens.  You were quite good at it.

Lyra:  How reassuring.

Will:  I found it attractive, really.

Lyra:  (brightening) You did?  (clears her throat in preparation for making the wails of a wet cat being systematically poked apart by deranged chickens)

Lee:  (hurriedly breaks in before any sound can come out of her mouth) What happened when the knife broke?

Will:  (pouting) Yeah, that was pretty annoying.  The colloquial tube overheated.  But we fixed it.  You know that gas that swirled around the blade when Iorek put it back together?

Lee:  Yessssss…

Will:  That gas was used to put the readers to sleep, while Iorek did the REAL work of putting the projector back together.  He managed to get it right.  The author just added all of that other stuff to cover it up.

Lee:  (blinks in confusion, then just decides to give up understanding altogether.)  Whatever.  How did you feel when you discovered your daemon?

Will:  Ecstatic.  Thrilled.  Overjoyed.  Elated.  Jubilant. 

Lyra:  Oh, are we a thesaurus now?

Lee:  (eyes to the ceiling) Why do I bother?  Here I am, just trying to earn an honest extra buck with this lie-detector gig, only to be met by sarcastic sadistic pre-teens with screwed up hormones…

Will:  (defensively) Look, just because you're too old and crusty to have hormones anymore…

Lee:  I am NOT old and crusty!

Lyra:  (puzzled) But you're dead.  If you weren't old and crusty before, you're certainly old and crusty now.

Lee:  Just because I'm dead does NOT mean I'm crusty!

Will:  Yeah.  Just foul-smelling.

Lee:  (glares down at Will) Can we just continue, PLEASE?!?!

Will: (snorts) Be my guest.

Lee:  You were in the process of answering a question…

Will:  Oh.  Right.  Well.  I could really care less about that demon-thingie.  It gets fur all over the place and makes weird noises.  Besides, she was only a temp; she was just hired for the last few chapters of the book.

Lee:  Right.  Sure.  Look, last question- I don't even care WHAT you answer at this point, I just want to get this over with, okay?

Will:  Go for it, big guy.

Lee:  Fine.  Did you ever discover what happened to your mother?

Will:  No.  (Lee kicks him.)  OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  What'd you do that for?!?!

Lee:  If you're stupid enough not to answer with the truth by this point, you deserved it.

Will:  You're just mad because I insulted your body odor!

Lee:  So what if I am?!?  Answer the question!

Will:  Yes.  Fine.  I found out.  (He stops, closed his mouth defiantly, and glares silently at Lee.)

Lee:  And that would be…?

Lyra:  I thought you said the question you just asked was the last one.

Lee:  I lied.

Lyra:  Ooooh, the administrator of a lie detector test lying, not good…

Lee:  Ask me if I care.  (to Will)  Why aren't you answering?

Lyra:  (breaks in) Because he hates your freakin' guts.

Lee:  (ignores Lyra and looks imploringly at Will) Please.  Answer the stupid question.  I'm begging you.

Lyra:  (mutters) Well, he DOES…

Will:  (sighs)  All right then.  Mrs. Cooper… well, Mrs. Cooper ate her.

(Dead silence fills the room for a weighted moment)

Lee: (heavily) Ate her…

Will:  My piano teacher, you know.  I couldn't honestly go off into other worlds having all sorts of adventures with my mother still around.  For one thing, she'd come after me and try to make me stop.  Mothers are wonderful at that; she actually cares whether I get hurt or not, for some stupid reason.  For another thing, I'd feel obligated to live with her when I got back.  I figured it'd be easier just to live with Dr. Malone instead of that crazy woman.  I needed to get rid of the problem all together.

Lee:  (heavily) Ate her…

Will:  Yes, yes, ate her.  I knew she was a cannibal, you see.  The solution just grew from there.  When my mom was gone, the rest of it was all just acting.  It got to be kind of a joke- me "worrying" about my "mother" and all; it was quite hilarious.

Lee:  (heavily) Ate her…

Will:  (impatiently) Yes, ate her.  What part of this is difficult to understand?  I dropped my mom at Mrs. Cooper's house, told her what needed to be done, let her borrow some ketchup…

Lee:  (lurches up, puts his hands over his mouth, and runs from the room, making alarming gagging sounds.)

Lyra: (watching Lee run away.)  I thought your mom went to the States and started a park bench inventory business.

Will: (cheerfully) Ooops, my mistake.  Shall we go then?

Lyra:  Sure.

(They stand from their chairs, take off all the lie detector gadgets, and stand together holding hands, looking at each other with sickly, gooshy eyes.)

Lyra:  (sighs romantically) Let's go eat some ketchup.