The Fourteen Things that Always Happen to Faramir and Éowyn
Chapter Six: Wedding Night Fic by an Illiterate Thirteen-Year-Old Virgin on Sugar High
WARNING IN BIG BOLD TEXT:
Here be a more-extreme-than-usual disregard for grammar, paragraphs, sentence structure, capitalisation, spelling, canon, characterisation, etc. Also, as the chapter title should imply, here be smexing, although not in detail greater than any of that in a normal T-rated fic. If any of these things will bother you, feel free to skip this chapter; I understand. I am not to be held accountable, however, for the loss of brain cells you'll undoubtedly experience if you do read this. It's bad. It's THAT BAD. :3
It was Faramir and Éowyn's wedding. IT was a very fun and beautifull affare where all the Fellowships where attending. Frodo and the hobbits to. "We have too see Theyre big matrimonie," Merry had insisted and even tho Frodo and Sam Cried lots cos gay marrage wasnt alloued in the Shire and it made them Emo they didnt want too go but they all did anywae. The hobbits were their: Sam and Frodo where wareing matching Coral pink gouns from Gwisgfa Brides.
Legaliss Gimmli Sam Frodo Mary Pippen Aragroin and Gandlef were all redy too see the weding seramoney. It Tooked place in a big Mormon temple in Ithilyen. All the bisships and preestz and eldirs were theyre too even tho no 1 was Mormon.
So Farameer and Eowynn was now marryed and he kissed the bride. She hads a flaver of old boots and sweet & sowr pickles. Grinning too himself he thot of the Nite to come so swetty and hot on the bed or may b the bare Exibet of the lokel zoo.
He laffed taeking Eowns hand "I luv u so many"
"I luv u 2" she wispared LooKing deep into hiz powerfull blue orbs of luv
"Ya" sed Farymir
And in the distense Frodo cryed hot teers of pane and sorrow cos he liked 2 stick his nawty bits were they werent sapposed to go and he wanted a Wedding like Firamers. Sam begin too cry as well and Fyrameer seethed like a Angrie PMSing rinoseris. The hobbits where rooining his speshal Day with theyre gayness!
"STFU!£2!" Farimyre skreemed and the hobbits shut up. Kissing Éowyn he sed "lets have are partee now"
So they went into the big hall were theys were all gonna party lol! And there was a lott of alkyhol so everyone gots reallie sodded badly. Aragron was performing a Strip Tease in a kantilope soot and his wife Arwen was Laffing hysterikly at a tin of Baked beens saying "o san disk o san disc why you proab my anus for the leprikaun's gold?"
Eowynn new the nite would be fun but rite now it was boaring. She wanted her huzbind so badlee she thot she wuld burst like wen u has a huge tick on ur bum and its suckin ur bloodz for days end then oops u sit on it and 23234 litrez of bloods Runs like a rivar onto ur knew white trowzers and then u feal sad cos they wuz new and u wuz walking round Pwllhelli like dat. Smilin she luuked at Furamer dansing with Mercutio who was wareing Nothing but green nee-hi soks it was a beyotiful site and she new Farimir wuld be good 2 her in bed and may b out of it lol. He was very hott and thinking abt him made Eowynfd feel hot lyk the Sahara dezzert bein blow dryed in August.
Latar in teh nite He came to her sayin "its time foar bed nao Eoweysn"
"OK" she sed smiling nervislee. Before shed thot it'd be so easy to remane calm but now it was nearlee time two go too bed. She was so nervis what if he was Kreepy or had a fetish fore asparagis or what if hed lost his bits in a freek Gardening aksident or had gots the AIDS? But she pushd it from her mind saying it'd be allrite (and it was lol of coarse its with Faramire hes so hot god).
Onse they Where in the bedroom Firumyr throo the dore shut behind them lockin it tite and then throing Himself at her kissin her pashinittely trying to ignoar her flavur. But it felt Sooooo god he thot hed bin wating for this day for a Yeer and now that it was here it felt so sarreel.
"TAKE OF UR CLOTHS" he sed and she did her wite dress pooling at her akils. He notised she was a women end he was buth confused and exsited co shed never seen no women lyk dat before. Farmar onlie had the Sexy tiem with Boramire Argron and Pippyn (and sumtiemz Berigond butt onlie on Tuesdyes!) so he wuz kinda nerfis. Somethin abt Eowund reminded him on the Eye of Sawron like fleshie pink cat sick maede of rubbir so he poked her Hard (a/n: LOL) and she yowled loud.
"Wut u do that foar!1" Éowyn skreemed
"Lol jus makin sure u not broakin" he laffed and embrased her; he wuz sorri for kauzing her pane.
"Im not broken Farumyr" she sed calming doun and lying her hed on hiz sholdar "u heeled mi and I luv u I luv u so many"
Fyrymeer wuz happi and hiz body wuz so redy for her (omg omg omg). Éowyn gasped as her huzbinds beutitfulness stretched out from teh orringe spandex titez he wuz wareing. Then they Did it cos thats what marryed copples do
"Llongyfarchiadau! Mi wnest ti fwyta'r gath!" Furumir mooned in the heet of pashen, His beautifully eyez sparkling as he looked into Eowyns. She smiled at him az Feramyr did his marital dootys adn omg she thot he wuz sooooo god at it!
Éowyn laffed this wuz so fun! "Dw i'n bwyta dau o gathod amser chwarae!"
But Faramer ignoared her it wuz getting hard (a/n: I luv dat word!) for him to control hisself he jus wanted to release his lovley waterfall of stuffs into her and later hed get a poppie bagel wit kreem cheese from a Jewwish deli in New York. Éowyn however skreemed a primel skreem and thot about fyretrucks az Farumiir finished hiz nawty buzniss
"I hoap we has a babee lol" he Sed kissing her
But Éowyn onlie sed "I need too pet the soap"
As u can c it was the perffict beginning of the perffict Relashinship!"£!"££!1£"14
Llongyfarchiadau! Mi wnest ti fywta'r gath! – Congratulations! You just ate the cat!
Dw i'n bwyta dau o gathod amser chwarae! – I eat two cats every playtime!
No idea why Faramir or Éowyn would speak Welsh, but question not the ways of fanfic authors, for they never make any sense. Also, since everyone has asked: no, I've never seen any Faramir/Éowyn lovin' this bad, probably because most people who 'ship this glorious ship are more likely to have read the books than your average Legolas fangirl from 2004, and are therefore more likely to be literate. So yes, I am exaggerating, but this is a parody, isn't it? :P