A/N: Was in the mood for a light one-shot humour fic. Came up this originally for a fancomic, but haven't had the time for that so I wrote it out, heh.
Also, in this fic, he knows Lirum's the name of his daughter in his dreams, but not that Sarah's his wife.
The endangered species of rare Bird-monster never stood a chance. With a terribly strained cry of 'tweet', it dropped from the sky like a rock after being concussed by the dull edge of Kaim's sword.
"…like taking candy from a baby."
"Okay, hold it!" shouted Seth in an annoyed tone.
Hands on her hips, she looked at Kaim with a questioningly gaze; Jansen peeked over her shoulder from behind her.
"What the heck is with that 'victory phrase' of yours? That doesn't sound like anything you would do, let alone say!"
"Hmm…Kaim; great swordsman, slayer of monsters, taker of candies…you know, it does have a certain ring to it!" Jansen chimed in eagerly.
Seth raised her sword and pointed it at the mage, "I mean, I can imagine Jansen doing it, definitely not you."
"Yeah, I guess I wou-wait WHAT?!"
Jansen whirled around to face the slightly grinning woman, indignation written in his face and voice.
"I don't steal candy! From babies! Maybe from preschoolers…but I was 12!" He points an accusatory finger at the pirate queen, "Why don't we ask the one with the most experience and reputation for stealing!"
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me…" Seth sighed, shaking her head.
"Admit it! You probably started with Stealing 101: Target candy to be taken from baby!"
"Yeah, THAT makes a lot of sense, Jansen. As if you wo-…"
As the two continued bickering, Kaim stood silently, considering it all. Seth was right, why did he keep saying that? Unless…
"So I like chocolate! So su-oh hey, it's happening again." Jansen looked up as he noticed a particular gust of wind suddenly picking up and blowing particularly across Kaim.
"What's happening again?" Seth said, trying to spot whatever Jansen was talking about.
"You know, sometimes wind starts blowing over Kaim for no reason, and he's extra-depressed after it. It's happening right now!" he shouted, gesturing at the stoic swordsman, whose hair was still stylishly waving in the wind while he remained contemplative.
"What the heck are you talking about?" Seth replied, looking at Jansen with a cocked eyebrow.
"Look! It's still going! Oh come on, don't tell me I'm the only one seeing it!" Jansen continued frenetically; and then his eyes narrowed in comprehension, "Oh…I see…the two buddy-buddy Immortals ganging up on the silly little Mortal! I can see your game!"
"Okay, NOW you've lost me! You're just trying to weasel out of admitting you steal candies on a regular basis!"
Lost in a memory, Kaim took no notice as Seth started chasing Jansen around the area with a raised sword.
Kaim had just gotten back from the nearby marketplace in the village centre of Tosca; holding a jumble of groceries in one arm, while the other carefully guided a stroller up to the door of his mansion.
He considered ringing the bell for his wife to come help him open the door and handle both the stroller and groceries, but decided that it was best to leave her undisturbed with her research (which was the reason why he went down to the market alone this time).
Placing the groceries on the porch, Kaim unlatched the door and pushed it open. Suddenly, he heard a light giggle and gurgle from behind the veils of the stroller, and a light sucking noise.
He crouched down, and pulled back the veil, peering in on his daughter. The little girl made a high-pitched squeal at seeing her father's face; one tiny hand came out to try to grab the stands of hair that always came down the middle of his face, the other however, was preoccupied with holding a lollipop that she was sucking on with great relish.
Kaim smiled lightly, letting Lirum grab his finger in her hand, but frowned at the sight of the piece of candy in her mouth. Apparently, one of the many shopkeepers at the market had slipped the sugared treat into the stroller when he wasn't looking.
'Giving a lollipop to a 1 year old, honestly,' he thought, 'Bad enough it's a choking hazard and all that sugar…' he grimaced at the memories. He had plenty of experience with hyperactive children loaded up with sugar. The horror would stay with him through all his parenting years as a grim reminder.
"I'm sorry Lirum, Daddy's going to have to take that," he said as he reached in to take the lollipop away.
There was a slight struggle, Lirum had that abnormally powerful grip that all babies seem to possess, but Kaim finally managed to pull the candy away from her grasping hands.
Tears formed in her eyes and she began to whine and cry, her wails quickly getting louder.
"There, there Lirum…this is nothing to cry about…" Kaim tried to say soothingly, tossing the lollipop to one side and reaching in again to pick Lirum up, "You're going to disturb Mommy if you go on lik-"
It was the single-most powerful howl from a baby Kaim had ever head in his 1000 year long life. Ever.
He jolted backwards in surprise and amazement a bit, and then quickly returned to trying to shush his daughter down before-
Suddenly, a shadow loomed over him and stroller from behind them, from the entrance of the mansion.
Lirum stopped sobbing long enough to utter a whimpering, "Mama!"
Kaim felt the crushing blow on the back of his head and neck before blacking out; it felt like a large and very heavy square-shaped object (much like a book) had been delivered with incredible force and strength straight down with intent of snapping his back and spine.
His last recollection as the world faded into black around him and he collapsed on the porch, was the sunlight glinting on the rim of furious-looking pair of glasses.
"…so, like taking candy from a baby…" Kaim began to mutter, finally after a full minute of silence and no movement.
He immediately slapped a palm to the back of his neck and began cricking and stretching his head about.
"The battle was a real pain in the neck!" he grunted, the ache from the memory still fresh in his mind.
Both Seth and Jansen had finally exhausted themselves with their squabbling, and had noticed when Kaim finally came out of his stupor. Neither of them really getting an explanation out of what they saw.
"You know…that's another thing. Why do you and Kaim always have to keep stretching like 2 seconds into every battle? Do you have like…Immortal rheumatism, or something?"
With a great groan of annoyance and a threatening flail of her sword, Seth shouted, "Shut up Jansen!"