Little did Padmé know, Obi-Wan was relatively safe from harm, perched in what he hoped was an inconspicuous way on a lumpy stool with Panaka and Sabé on one side and R2D2 on the other, in the 'Bounty Bar' down a dark, unkempt alleyway. Other than a drunk Wookie persuing the bar-tender, two red Rutian girls whispering and giggling around a table in the corner of the bar, one snout-nosed Gamorrean sitting singing to himself, and the 'Mon Calamari Mooners' churning out an off-key version of 'The Ewok Dolls - Don't Cha (Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hairy Like Me)' in the background, they were quite alone.
All the same, he gripped his cup of Bespin Bacardi uneasily. R2D2 beeped dolefully at him. The two of them turned to see Panaka and Sabé constantly glancing and smirking at each other, taking it in turns to playfully poke each other and tap one another's noses. He consoled himself with the fact that they had consumed too much Laser Liquid, and turned back to stare aimlessly at the back of the bar, struggling to read half of what was on all the kaleidoscopic bottles.
By the time the music had changed to 'I Don't Eat A Man', the Wookie was rolling around on the floor demanding another drink, the Gamorrean was dancing with the Rutian girls on the raised stage, and Panaka and Sabé were locked at the lips, Obi-Wan slammed his cup down.
"Far be it from me to state the obvious," he said loudly, causing Panaka and Sabé to break apart with alarm, "but what are we going to do about Padmé?"
Sabé bit her swollen lip dubiously. "Oh, what do you think, Pancake?" she swivelled back to Panaka, twirling her hair around her finger.
He guffawed. "Beats me." He reached for his bottle and downed the last of his 'X-Wing Zing' in one gulp. "I say we wait until morning. That old Senator Palpitations won't be going any-soon any time-where. It's the Queen of England I'm worried about."
Sabé sighed melodramatically, gazing at Panaka in awe. "You're so clever!" she cooed.
Obi-Wan cringed. He pushed his cup aside. A drunk captain and handmaiden and a droid were not going to get him anywhere very quickly. He looked behind him, only to turn away in horror, having seen the Wookie throwing up over the xylo-board one of the band members was playing.
"Guys! We're running out of time!" he moaned. R2D2 whirled, a red light flashing angrily on his dome. He wheeled across to where Panaka sat slumping on his stool, protruded a metal rod with a flash spike, and pricked him.
"Youch!" he shouted, receiving an electric shock from R2D2. "Dumb droid!" Another rod came out of R2D2, this time with a spinning razor-disc. Sabé shuffled her swinging legs out of the way.
"Looks like R2's had a bit too much!" she laughed loudly, waving her arms and leaning back. She leaned too far and landing on Obi-Wan. "Whoopsie! Oh, hello Obi-Wan!"
He rolled her eyes at her, looking down on her flushed, upside down face, her pupils wide and wild. He couldn't help but think she looked just a tad like Padmé for a moment, as she stayed there with her head on his lap, gazing drunkenly into middle distance.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan was hit with inspiration like an electric zap from R2. This is Padmé's decoy. She'll know almost everything Padmé knows. Our answer has been in front of us all this time!
He shot up from his seat, causing Sabé to slide to the ground with a "woohoo!" and R2D2 to beep with surprise.
"Sabé, Panaka, get up!" he ordered. "We're catching ourselves a flight to Naboo."
"Hey, what?" Panaka rubbed his head. "I thought you wanted to find your Padmé!"
"Padmé, Padmé, Pad Mad Padmé" Sabé sang from the floor.
"And we will. But it's clear this fight cannot be won on Coruscant. We've got to do it on her home turf." He lifted Sabé by her arm pits and stood her up straight. "Pancake! I mean - Panaka! Can you remember where her cruiser was parked?"
"First door on your left - you can't miss it," he mumbled, still massaging his forehead.
"Okay … R2! Can you recall?"
The droid beeped and whirled excitedly at Obi-Wan.
"Fantastic! Folks, let's go!" He hooked one arm around Sabé and the other around Panaka. "Let's go!"
"Here we go, here we go, here we go!" they both sang.
"Here we go, here we go, here we go-o!" the drunken inhabitants of the 'Bounty Bar' chorused in reply.
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, but let Panaka and Sabé wave them off one last time, before yanking them through the doors, back down the alley, avoiding the broken glass and the system-addled protocol droid that was folded up in a corner holding on of its broken arms and muttering to itself, and headed back into the open streets.
"R2, locate the ship and calculate the quickest route to it as fast as you can!" he ordered.
"Beep, beep, whirl!" R2D2 replied.
"But before we take off," he added, lowering the tone of his voice, "I need to record a message for you to send. An important one."
"Beep bip-beep?" the droid enquired.
"No," Obi-Wan whispered.