Caught in an endless nightmare

Hey. It's Liana-Wolfe back with a songshot (Songfic-oneshot)… Please don't hurt me.

Anything you recognize I don't own.

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Caught in an endless nightmare

No chance of waking up

Walking along as if nothing is wrong

But sometimes I've had enough

No one was immortal. John Sheppard knew that.

He had seen men die in front of his eyes, hell, sometimes he'd been the one killing them.

But he had never expected it to happen to someone close to him.

Thinking back he guessed that he should have seen it coming. The way they always put their lives at risk.

Stuck in my dream

Waiting forever to find reality

Trying to escape the pain

But it's becoming all too normal for me

He hadn't cried. Because, deep down, he saw that as admitting that he was gone. And he wasn't ready for that.

He had been one of the most important people in John's life. And now he was gone. Destroyed in one mission gone wrong.

"Let him go." Teyla had said this to him one night when they were alone. "He's gone now John. He wouldn't want you dwelling on it. Just let him go."

John hadn't said anything. Deep down he knew that she was right. But he didn't want to admit it. Because if he did. He would be forced to face if it was his fault or not. And he was afraid of the answer.

I'm slowly losing my mind

I'm seeing you everywhere

I miss the way we used to talk

And the way you'd always be there.

"Let him die." Ronon had told him this one day when they were sparring. "He's not coming back John. Just let him die."

John had left the gym then. Not wanting to face Ronon anymore. Not when he told him to do something he'd been putting off like stray paperwork.

But this wasn't paper work. This was accepting his friend's death. Something that he feared he'd never do.

Stuck in my dream

Waiting forever to find reality

Trying to escape the pain

But it's becoming all too normal for me

Sometimes he thought he'd see him, walking in the halls. But then when he got close it was someone else, sometimes not even looking remotely like him.

John Sheppard had faced many hardships since joining the air force.

But he wondered if it was anything compared to losing this friend.

Maybe if it had been someone in the air force also it would have lessoned the blow. After all, putting their lives on the line was in the job description.

But no, This had been a scientist. They had signed on for cozy jobs with little to zero chance of death (The little part being for those on teams or if the city was attacked)

But if he were completely honest with himself then he would have thought it made sense. His team did get in more trouble than the others.

Can't look back now

Have to forget the past

But every time I look up

You find a way of coming back

One day he'd been running and somehow found himself at his old room. He avoided it for the last few weeks.

Somehow he found himself sitting on his bed. Looking at all the things that hadn't been touched.

It was amazing how much people respected him. They would be bringing Jeannie up after the funeral to help cart away the stuff.

The funeral would be in two weeks.

Ignoring the wetness in his eyes John left the room and ran to his room. Not stopping until he reached it.

Stuck in my dream

Waiting forever to find reality

Trying to escape the pain

But it's becoming all too normal for me

The next few days were hard for John. He now had a twisted feeling in his gut as he thought of the impending funeral for his friend.

He had gone to the infirmary that day. To get something to help him sleep.

He was surprised to find Dr. Jennifer Keller curled up on a hospital bed with tears flowing down her face.

After a while of him just holding her while she sobbed she finally whispered,

"I loved him…"

The confession truly shook John to the bone. He knew that she liked him. But love?

"I loved him and he never fucking knew it." That started a new wave of tears.

I try to let go

But it's too hard to do

I try to hang on

But I keep getting pulled away from you

They had driven to the funeral together. Both needing someone to be there for them.

Teyla and Ronon were taking a different car. Riding with colonel Carter. He kind of appreciated it. Jennifer was like a sister to him and he didn't want her to be overwhelmed and not make it to the funeral.

As they pulled to the church John patted her hand reassuringly.

Jennifer looked at him and tried to smile. But the tears shining in her eyes ruined the effect.

They stayed in the car for a long time. Not even bothering to try getting out until,

"We should go in. They'll be leaving for the cemetery soon." Jennifer said after a minute.

John nodded. Finally getting out of the car.

Stuck in my dream

Waiting forever to find reality

Trying to escape the pain

But it's becoming all too normal for me

He met Jeannie in the church. It was almost time to bring the casket to the cemetery.

"He talked about you guys a lot. All of you. Whenever Madison wasn't around he would tell us all about the things you did." Jeannie smiled fondly. The tearstains on her face cracking slightly.

John smiled. It sounded like him to talk about all of their accomplishments. Especially the ones where he served a major roll.

"He loved you guys. You were like the family he always wanted beyond me." Jeannie smiled.

"What about your parents?" John asked. Immediately regretting it when Jeannie's smile vanished.

"They aren't here. They never respected Mer. They always thought that he was never good enough at anything. Dad taught him piano. Dad forced him to quit. When he made that bomb for the science fair he thought that he'd make them proud. And for the very few minutes before the CIA came, they were. After the CIA… He just stopped trying to impress them and threw himself into science." She said.

John was shocked. This gave him more insight into his past then he could have imagined.

This is something I want to tell you:

I think about the places that we'd go

Do you remember that creek where you put on the show?

I can't help but wonder if you still remember me.

They all stood around the graved as it was filled and the priest read the eulogy.

"And now, John Sheppard would like to say some words about his friend."

John stood up and walked to where the priest was. Sighing. This was it. He was making the final step of acceptance.

"Rodney McKay was a great man. Terrible with people, but a great man."

He listened to the rhythmatic thunk of the dirt hitting the bottom of the hole.

"I can't say that I liked him at first."

Thunk

"He was annoying, rude, a hypochondriac, and didn't think before he said anything."

Thunk

"But after a while Rodney and I started to get to know each other."

Thunk

"I saw that he just had a lot of defenses and started to like the guy."

Thunk

"We've grown to become great friends over the years and, let me tell you, seeing this happening is killing me."

Thunk

"Rodney McKay was a very good friend of mine. I hope that he has a good afterlife."

John stepped back to his seat.

Stuck in my dream

Waiting forever to find reality

Trying to escape the pain

But it's becoming all too normal for me

After the burying everyone had left except John. He just stood there looking at the grave.

"John?" Jennifer asked.

"Yeah." He didn't take his eyes off the grave.

"It's getting dark. We should leave." She said. A sad sigh was heard in her voice.

"I'll catch up in a minute."

"Okay. I'll be in the car."

He could hear Jennifer walk away. He waited until her footsteps were gone before pulling something out of his pocket.

"You know Rodney. For the past weeks I've been praying that this is a dream. Kind of ridiculous, huh? I mean. I saw you die. I watched them bury you. But. I guess I'm still not ready to accept it."

John set the thing he took out of his pocket and set it down on the grave.

"You better not complain about this." He said as he positioned it so it wasn't buried before walking away.

If anyone were to walk by that grave in the next few days they'd see something that would confuse them…

After all. Who'd understand why there was a lemon placed on a grave covered in roses?

No matter how I try

You keep coming back

I try to forget you

But I'm caught up in the past

One day John would be able to accept Rodney's death…

But until then, he'd just keep going on waiting for this dream to end.

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Don't bother looking for the song I used. I wrote it. It's called: (Stuck in my) Dream. I wrote it at 2 AM. Same as this story. I wrote this so that the song is sort of a separator for John's stages of accepting Rodney's death. I hope this turned out okay. I suck at angst.

This story was actually inspired by the last line. I was just lying in bed and it came to me.

Review. I live on feedback.