Summary: After an unfortunate experience with dungbombs and Lily's knicker drawer, James tries to find a way out explaining to his wife exactly what happened.
Disclaimer: It belongs to Jo.
You Did WHAT to my Knickers?
a Siriusly Klutzy story.
"Er, James? Did you do the laundry?" Lily called from the bedroom.
"No," James called back nervously, dragging out the word and knowing that his time was up.
There was some shuffling around in the other room, drawers being opened and closed, a closet door slamming shut. "Well... have you seen my knickers?"
"Not since Thursday night," he couldn't help but reply cheekily.
"This isn't funny! They're... gone!"
Remembering his worries, James's heart started racing. Of course, he knew exactly what happened to Lily's knickers. And it wasn't something she'd be pleased to hear about. In fact, if she did find out, she might just throttle the culprit, Sirius, and his right hand man, James.
It's not as if they meant for the dung bomb to actually explode in the drawer, and it seemed like a funny place to put it at the time. But now, well now it seemed downright stupid.
"I'm dead. I'm so dead. She's going to murder me," James muttered to himself. He was pacing back and forth through the living room, hoping his wife didn't catch a whiff of the smell. They had tried their best to get the smell out with Madam Frooty's Stink-Be-Gone potion, but all that managed to do was drip on Sirius's sleeve and burn a rather large hole through it. After getting Sirius a new shirt, they put three air fresheners in the scorched drawer and waited to no avail.
It still smelled.
They used half of Lily's lilac scented perfume, and that managed to cover it up long enough for them to run to the store where they bought bars of soap that vaguely resembled the laundry detergent they used.
"And... James?" she called again, this time appearing at the top of the stairs.
"Yes, love?" he answered nervously, pulling at his collar and rubbing the back of his head- some old habits die hard.
"Why are your boxers in my drawer?" she asked, tossing a pair down with little broomsticks stitched onto them.
"No idea," he said, his voice rising an octave. James knew what would happen if she found out the real story, and it wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it would probably involve both Sirius and himself to lose their manhood. And, of course, in the most painful way possible.
It was actually Sirius's idea to fill the drawer with James's boxers. He thought it would fool Lily, at least for a little while.
"Trust me," he said, grabbing a handful of James's boxers and dumping them in the drawer. "As long as there's something in there she won't notice a thing."
"She's not going to buy it, Padfoot," James said frantically, debating on whether or not he should put them back.
"Well, if anything, it will cover the soap," Sirius replied with a shrug.
This is where James gave in. It would hide the fact that there were four bars of soap in Lily's underwear drawer. Once again, that seemed like a good idea at the time as well.
But things that seem like good ideas at the time rarely ever are.
"And James?" she called for a third time. James looked to the top of the stairs where his wife was smiling knowingly. "Why are there bars of soap in my drawer?"
James's forehead sprouted drops of sweat. "I'm not sure, Lily. Maybe they were... in the wash," he said lamely.
"Oh, and James?" she asked sweetly. A danger sign for sure. "Why am I missing half a bottle of perfume?" She dangled the half empty glass bottle in front of her before tossing it lightly to James, who caught it with ease, but was still nervous out of his wits.
"Maybe it leaked... or something."
She knew. He knew she knew. And he knew that soon he wasn't going to be able to produce children once Lily was through with him. Lily always wanted children. She would probably leave him for a fertile bloke, as opposed to one who couldn't stop his wife from killing his manhood.
All of those thoughts ran through his head as he looked up at his wife in what he thought was an innocent manner.
"You and Sirius weren't... dressing up in my knickers, were you? And then trying to cover up the smell of man with my things... Were you?" Though she said this jokily, Lily did look worried. She wouldn't put it past her husband and his best mate to prance around in her knickers while she was off with Alice Longbottom shopping.
"Of course not," James said, letting out a sigh of relief.
"Huh..." she said curiously. "You weren't, by chance, selling them? Or using my bras as sling shots, were you?"
Okay, so maybe they did that once- once. It wasn't something they would ever do again. Particularly because when sixteen year old Lily Evans found them flinging various fruits across the Common Room with one of her bras (how they obtained that, she never found out, but she had an inkling that Peter Pettigrew somehow helped because they would always nudge him in the side and throw winks in his direction) she charmed Sirius's lips together (a deed that was frowned upon by various girls throughout the room) and James's glasses to his nose. Of course, charming the glasses to his nose was rather mediocre, so she added greatly enlarged front teeth to the mixture.
Both teenage boys had to spend the night in the hospital wing, listening to Madam Pomfrey rant and rave about dueling in school.
"Nope," James answered, proud that he could finally respond honestly to one of her questions. "No sales or slingshots." He grinned as the fireplace went ablaze.
"Hello, Prongsie!" Sirius called, prancing out of the fireplace. Obviously he did not see Lily at the top of the stairs holding another pair of James's boxers and a bar of soap.
"Sirius!" James exclaimed. He went to usher Sirius back into the fireplace before he could risk Sirius losing his manhood as well.
"Yes, yes, greetings all around." He grinned happily to his mate, still oblivious to the intrigued redhead at the top of the stairs. "Did Lily find out about the dungbombs?" he asked, pulling out his wand and accio-ing a butterbeer to come his way.
"Dungbombs?!" Lily shouted, enraged.
James flinched as his wife flew down the stairs, dropping the boxers and soap on the way.
"What does he mean by dungbombs?" she asked quietly, but fiercely.
Sirius, realizing the trouble he caused, decided to explain the situation. "Really Lily, love. It was my fault. I was trying to keep the dungbombs away from James."
"And you figured the best place was in my knicker drawer?"
"Lily. Honey. Listen. It was an accident. We can buy you more."
"What do you mean buy me more?" she asked, furious.
"Well... after they exploded- the dungbombs, I mean- your knickers turned rather... ashy. And I don't think you'd want ashy knickers," Sirius said.
"You... blew up my knickers...?" she asked in disbelief.
"It was an accident, Lily, I swear!" James said, trying to redeem himself. It wasn't quite working out that well.
"You blew up my knickers with a dungbomb?"
"It's not that bad, Lily, really," Sirius added, trying to comfort the raging redhead. "Look at it this way. You going commando for a while will certainly make James a much happier lad."
"Sirius Black," Lily said calmly at first before turning mad. "I'm going to kill you!"
She lunged at Sirius but James caught her around the waist.
"Run, Padfoot! I'll floo you later!" James called, restraining his thrashing wife.
Sirius dashed to the fireplace, grabbed some floo powder, and flung himself into the fireplace. In a flash of green flames, he was gone.
"You blew up my knickers!" Lily shouted, seething.
"It was an accident, love, I swear," James said. His hands were out, palms facing Lily as he backed slowly away. It was best not to make quick movements or she might try to attack. Again.
"An accident," she scoffed. "Why couldn't you ruin your boxers and not my knickers!"
"I- well, we were..." Dead, James thought. She's going to murder me.
"You do realize," she began, "that you're going to have to take me shopping."
"I can live through that," James said, though he inwardly winced.
"Oh," she said dangerously. "But not just once. Oh no, you're going to have to come every time I ask."
"That seems... fair," he said, defeated. "But... can I bring Sirius?"
"NO YOU CANNOT BRING SIRIUS! Honestly! The two of you in a clothing store? The place would be in ashes in seconds!"
James winced. "Lily, love, I really am sorry."
"What on earth possessed you to put dungbombs in my knicker drawer?"
"Old repressed teenage rebellion that was unleashed?" James asked innocently, trying to play the situation off as comical instead of what it really was, which was terrifying.
"I am never leaving you here alone. Ever again. Especially with the chance that Sirius might come over."
James turned on the charm as he walked over to Lily. "It was better than the slingshot episode, wasn't it?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Not by much," she responded with a glare.
"Do you forgive me?" he asked nuzzling her neck. She glared harder but it didn't last. A smile spread across her face.
James took a step away.
"I won't truly forgive you until I burn your boxers!" she said as she darted up the stairs.
James stood there dumbly for a second, quite glad that she had at least thrown him a pair earlier and also dropped another on the stairs.
But he still couldn't manage to not utter, "Damn," before chasing after her.
A/n: Yeah, I know. Random one shot. But I was randomly sitting there watching TV and the title popped into my head. And when something like that happens, you can't deny the calling of a one shot! No worries, though. I'll update A Stage in the Wandlight soon, as soon as I decide if I like the chapter and, well, finish it.
Hope you liked this!
Much love and flame resistant underwear,