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The Cookie League proudly presents: As The Cushion Turns

More than you ever wanted to know about the sofas and couches in the Twilight Universe.

Jacob's Couch:

Hello, Wear and Tear is the name, holding werewolves is the game! Those boys feel the need to flop on me every chance they get! One of these days I'm gonna' pop a coil right up Jacob's—whoops, never mind. It's nice when that sweet little Bella comes to visit, though. She has the cutest little tush, it makes you just wanna' pinch it. Last time I tried to pinch it, she yelped, jumped, and moved to the floor.

One day she just stopped visiting us; we both missed that tush of hers dearly. Jacob either spent his time on me or out with the wolves. Now the boy won't come near me. In fact, he hasn't come near the house in days. I hope he isn't cheating with another couch. Maybe I should become an almighty werecouch! Fear me!

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Alice's Sofa:

Howdy, my name is Buckeye. It ain't easy being a couch for a high-fashioned woman! Alice throws those fancy clothes across me every time that Bella girl comes over. Poor dear gets put in outfits that look like you would need some sort of shoe horn to get her out of. But hey, if that Edward ever saw her in them, he would need one of those clothing shoe horns just to get himself out of his pants!

I love it when that sweet little pixie comes and sits on me. Sometimes, I get to hold two fine ladies at once, and on rare occasions, three. But my sweet Alice comes and sits her sweet little self on me it's like nothing I have ever felt. She gets so excited that she takes me for a ride! The way she bounces puts bull riders to shame! I keep trying to tell Alice that I am way more Southern than that Jasper fellow but she just won't listen!

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Mike's Couch:

He-hell-hello, my name is Chipper. I was loved then dumped and now this Mike has me. He uses socks in the strangest ways. Usually when he has his fancy looking goggles on, he starts staring out the window and from what I can tell there is a girl that lives across the street. I think her name starts with an 'L'. When he finishes with those sock things, he shoves them in me! In me! I have never been so disturbed in my life. If I was a rocking chair I would have worn out my rockers! My poor cushions have been defiled!

He has this book filled with pictures; it has a building on the front of it and I think it's called a yearbook. There are all these little black and white pictures in it. When he gets to the page with the big 'S' thing on the top, he pulls out a magnifying glass and starts talking to the picture! My owner is certified insane and I'm afraid to tell anyone for fear of meeting the dump! I just can't take this anymore! I'm gonna' do it, I'm gonna' run away with his computer chair and never come back!

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Esme's Fainting Couch:

Hello darlings, my name is Ruby. I'm that sophisticated fainting couch in Esme's bedroom. I came straight off the set of Dark Shadows, the soap opera that had all those vampires! Lucky me, now I get to hold real vampires! Those actors don't even compare to my sparkling beauties.

I absolutely adore it when Esme stretches out on me with one of her steamy romance novels, although I can't see why she would need one when she has that hot doctor of a husband! He can examine my springs any day! Some days the two of them like to do a spring test on me; it's more action than they ever had on the set. It's a fabulous world for a soap opera queen!

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Charlie's Sofa:

Ni hao, my name is Annchi, which means precious angel and that's what I am—Charlie's precious angel. I don't care what he says; I know I am more important than that Bella girl. He spends most of his time with Marvin the TV and me. That girl cannot be as close to him as we are. He doesn't even sit on her!

Bella has the most gorgeous boyfriend I have ever held. But they get a little rough sometimes. One day, Bella slid her hand up from his knee and he grabbed a hold of my arm and there was an awful breaking noise and then I realized the gorgeous boy was abusive! I was in so much pain! Luckily, one called 'no Alice' came and fixed my broken arm but, I know, I will never be the same.

One day, Marvin was showing Charlie and me something I have learned to love—football. All of the people on the screen were waving their arms and I thought Charlie might like to join in the fun. I raised my cushions as high as I could while still holding Charlie and he fell right off of me. Now Marvin won't let me live it down. Stupid TV!

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Emmett's Couch:

"Dearly beloved—" Emmett began.

"Emmett, that's for a wedding, honey," Rose corrected.

"What do you say for a funeral?" Emmett asked, scratching his head.

I am nothing but ashes, swirling around his head, and this is the best eulogy he can give me? I have no more respect as ashes than I did as his sofa. Why the hell did that salesman let me come home with these people? Was I a horrible recliner in a previous life? Is that why I'm suffering this way?

"I don't know what they say," Rose replied.

Once my ashes finished scattering in the wind, I would cease to be aware, but maybe that was for the best.

"Well, since neither of us know, I'll just go with my original speech," Emmett told her. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bid a fond farewell to sofa number eight."

EIGHT?! I'm dead sofa number eight?! And I was still sold?! Oh, the inhumanity of it all!

"Sofa number eight was loyal and kind. Her leather cupped my cheeks just right without making that stupid squeaky sound I hate."

Her? Oh, lord! Not only did this idiot break me, he couldn't even tell what gender I was. Why me?

"Don't forget how number eight was just long enough for you to actually fit when you laid down," Rose added.

"Thank you, honey," Emmett told her, leaning over and giving her a kiss.

"Oh, I have the best idea of what to replace it with. As long as we get the same color, there's a good chance Esme will never notice," Rose said.

"Let's go," Emmett replied quickly. "We can have it delivered and tested out before Esme gets back from her trip to Seattle."

They break me while playing naughty cowboy, burn me to hide the evidence from Esme, and leave before finishing my eulogy. Oh, there was my second to last ash. At least I'm almost out of consciousness. I'll say a prayer for you, sofa number nine…

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Bella's Rocking Chair:

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She's dancing around the room. That means he's coming back tonight. That beautiful, grab-worthy man is returning to rest his perfectly hard, cold, icy, beautiful buns on me. Some days, it's good to be a rocking chair. When he sits on me, there's no escape for him. There's just enough room for him to fit between my arms, and oh, how I love cuddling with that gorgeous hunk of rock. I don't even mind sharing when she sits on his lap.

I was cold, lonely, and dusty for so many years as I sat in this empty room, wondering where the beautiful baby girl had gone. And after many long, long years, the baby returned as a stunning young woman. And with her, came the beautiful grab-worthy one. He would sit on me all through the night, watching her sleep. She could hold his attention all she wanted as long as I got to hold him.

And then, as suddenly as he appeared, he disappeared…For a long time; not as long as the girl, though. When he was gone, I wished she would sit on me so I could hold her and comfort her. I might be in love with him, but I have always loved her. She was so broken and I wanted to help keep her together.

But then he returned and neither of them have ever been happier. Although, if she makes him as happy as she did the other night, he may have to stop sitting on me. He nearly snapped off an arm when she came into the room in that little blue number I had never seen before. I assumed the one closet refers to as 'No, Alice' had slipped that into the girl's wardrobe.

Oh, she's smiling and opening the window. It must be time. Ah! There he is. Sit down right here, mister. Aw! He listens so well. Don't worry, my precious, I'll hold you steady while you gaze at the girl. I won't even be jealous tonight; not like last week when I pitched her off your lap. That wasn't very nice of me. Hee hee. God, have I mentioned he's grab-worthy?

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ER Sofa:

"How you doin'? You wanna come rest over on my lap for a bit? Oh, hell, no! You ain't comin' over here to bleed all over my cushions. Yeah, that's right. Know your role! Sit in that plastic piece of crap chair."

You know, I was supposed to be in a dentist's office in Brooklyn, but the damn warehouse got my shipping papers mixed up and instead of holding on to some top notch New York bu-tey, I'm over here in Forks dealing with accident prone people.

Speaking of accidents…there is my little brunette friend. She don't visit me as often as she used to, ya know. Not since she started hanging out with that pale kid. He's good for her, though. Keeps her from getting herself hurt. Pretty girl like that shouldn't be hurtin' none.

I like that pale kid a lot better than that damn blonde headed goombah who was chasin' the little brunette around here the last time…Mick, Mack, Mike—some damn name like that. If we was on my turf, we would took care of him for that girl.

She's a sweet one. Never lets her blood fall on me. Always sits down real gentle like, not like that tub of lard that plopped down on me last week. A candy corn shoved up one nostril and a donut in his hand. Had the nerve to tell that hot little admitting nurse that it was an accident. Yeah, I'll show you an accident, buddy. You need to stop comin' in here and mucking up my springs just so you can have naughty nurse daydreams, you sick bastard! We wouldn't put up with you in Brooklyn neither!

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Cullen Living Room Sofa:

"Switch with me," left cushion hissed.

"Hell no!" right cushion cried.

"I'll switch," middle cushion sighed, wanting to avoid the one billionth, six hundred-thirty millionth, two thousandth, five hundred and thirty-third fight between left and right. Neither of them seemed to realize they were cushions and incapable of moving on their own.

"But you got to be underneath them the last time!" left cushion whined.

"Hey, I was not the one to fluff me and put me here," right cushion pointed out. "If it was up to me, I would switch with loveseat lefty over there. She always gets to have Edward's tushy in her face."

"Screw Edward. I need my Jasper fix! He always sits on the right, though!" left cushion fussed.

"You know what they say," right cushion chuckled. "Lefty loosey, righty tighty. And Jasper does have those buns of steel going on."

"How did I end up in the middle of you two perverts? I should have just jumped into the fire with sofa number nine and ended my torture," middle cushion said.

"I thought it was number eight?" left cushion inquired.

"Number eight was early this morning. Number nine was about a half hour ago. Emmett came up with a new game," middle cushion informed them.

"Please don't come downstairs. Please don't come downstairs. Please don't come downstairs," right cushion chanted.

"Re-lax," middle cushion yelled. "He's out picking up number ten so Esme doesn't find out."

The door opened and Edward came in, cradling a sleeping Bella to his chest. She had fallen asleep in the meadow, but it was too misty of a day to let her stay there. Edward gently laid her across the sofa, kissed her temple, and disappeared to go get her a blanket.

"Aw! She's so cute when she sleeps," middle cushion gushed.

"Make sure you support her head correctly, right. We have to take good care of our girl," left cautioned.

"I've got her, left. She's safe with us," right replied.

"She's light as a feather compared to the rest of them," middle cushion chuckled.

"Not for long. She's going to be Edward's forever and she'll be just like him soon enough," right cushion said.

"I'm so happy for them," left cushion whispered.

"Left, are you crying?" right cushion asked.

"No, no! It was just a piece of stuffing," left cushion replied quickly.

Bella stirred slightly and whispered Edward's name.

"Aw!" left, middle, and right cushion cried in unison.

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Edward's Couch:

Hey baby, I am Ebony, and you are? Why don't you come over here and "listen to music" on me for awhile? Edward and Bella sure do seem to enjoy it.

She usually gets all hot and sweaty while they are enjoying my comforts. Not that I mind; her sweet little body is always nice, when it is sticking to mine.

Edward usually ends up shirtless at some point, which is nice, but I would like a little more clothing to come off. Of both of them. I see Edward almost completely clothe less daily, but I would love to see Bella take it all off, I can only imagine...

I once tried to help, only a little. You know..speed up the process?? But Edward seemed rather unhappy about that. The prude!

Quite soon after that, he purchased a huge monstrosity called mat-er-ass. And that is what he is-an ass!

Though he seems to get quite a lot of ass, also—sigh—he now seems to get all the good action, and I rarely get to feel the ivory skin that I love so much.

I am hurt. Won't you come and comfort me a little?

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Carlisle's Couch:

Od ouu pea selp mee? I hab a liw pobwem! Mi cuson is bakwas, an I neeb ur elp!

Thank you! The movers seem to have had issues putting me back together. I have been having trouble communicating for a week now!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Reese, and I was bought for the use of Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I am glad to be of use to someone so beautiful. I was named after the great actress, Reese Witherspoon, so I deserve to be treated royally. And so far, Dr. Cullen has been wonderful to me…Other than the fact that he didn't fix my cushion. That terrible woman he is with treated me like a couch from Wal-Mart…Wal-Mart I tell you! I have never been more terrified! She rolled all over me, knocking my cushions off, and of course...she made poor Carlisle participate! I feel the need to stay true to the meaning of my name...run...I really want to run!

This has been a Cookie League Production – please leave cookies & balloons. Thank you!

Hellopants, Angelic Messenger17, E.C. Cullen, & My Bella