This is a parody of the original story.
This is a parody of the original story. How different would things have been if the baby boy that the Yondaime sealed the Kyuubi into had been Kiba, and not Naruto? This is also a shot at Kiba/Hina, my favorite characters in the series, although the first few chapters should be largely Kiba all the way for setup purposes. Have fun reading, reviewing and eating delicious chocolate chip cookies. (I'll bake them as a reward after I see some reviews.) I also don't own any of these characters and frankly, I don't want to own any of them, except Hinata. Heaven just doesn't quite make girls like her, does it?
Another thing I want to add before I start, everything I know is based on the anime. I never got around to reading the manga. And I didn't even glance at Naruto until only recently. I have never been fond of "kiddie characters" and preferred realistically more human anime like Evangelion and Blood+. The fact that Naruto is on Cartoon Network just put me off even more. Just another kiddie cartoon, I thought. But it is so surprisingly popular, I finally decided to give it a whirl. I found myself all choked up at the Zabuza arc, and eventually became a true fan. -- Shura
Laughter rung steadily in my ears, and even in my half-daze I could hear it bouncing off the walls and coming right back to me in a series of faint echoes. This is maddening. How can anyone fall asleep properly with all that noise?
I opened one eye.
"Naruto! For the last time, stop fooling around! Do it again properly!" yelled the man with the big scar etched right across the front of his face. That must have been painful, I thought every time I looked at it. Umino Iruka. Our sensei. He is very strict, yet he never comes across as the bad guy. There was this fatherly-brotherly twinge to the general relationship he had with the class.
My dad travels far away on long missions all the time so I found the lead of an older male through my sensei. Apparently, my father was not even there when I was born. Oh well ... I'll survive somehow. We Inuzukas always find a way. I'll just lap up whatever comfort and encouragement Iruka-sensei can give me, or be my own man otherwise. Sometimes, I even pretend in my mind that he is really my dad. That is not to say that some of his lectures are not deadbeat and boring.
Like right now.
I closed my eye and put my head back into the comfortable little nest I made out of my arms and my animal hide book bag. Don't worry. This doesn't mean that I am not paying attention. It just that when you're an Inuzuka, you don't really need to. Few sounds get by my ears. Even in a state of semi-consciousness, my brain is sharp enough to retain enough information for me to make a good showing, and I have systematically passed every one of sensei's tests to date. I'm not outstanding, but I'm not one of the bottom-feeders either. And that's good enough for me.
The laughter that had begun to die down suddenly got maxed out again, waking me up completely this time. How bothersome. Like I said, I am an Inuzuka. It can be a bit of a nuisance to be able to hear so well, really. It means that you can hardly fall asleep at night, because you are listening to practically every creak of timber and snap of twig in Konoha and lying there wondering if it was due to a stray mutt or an alien shinobi. So I get away with what little sleep I can in the classroom.
Fortunately being so tall for my age, I am automatically relegated to the very back row. It is also really helps that the long central pillar in the room conveniently stands right between me and Iruka-sensei's favorite spot to stand and preach, if you were to draw a straight line from me to him. He will not see me put my head down on my table and if he takes so much as a step away from his usual position, I will hear him and be ready to adjust my posture.
Anyway, what is everyone laughing at again? I opened my eyes and stared lazily across the room. What the hell is that? I saw a truly hideous creature, about four feet tall with overly swollen lips, droopy eyes and dressed in Lord Hokage's swathing ceremonial robes. What in tarnation?
"Naruto ..." Iruka-sensei was speaking. I noticed the teacher's hands are balled into loose fists by his sides. "Please, Naruto, it is not funny anymore! If you do not get even this basic transformation jutsu right at least once by the end of the hour, no one will be going out for lunch!"
The classroom erupted into an eurhythmic concert of groans and grumbles and "Awwww! Iruka-sensei!" as the creature at the head of the class disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to replaced by ... that brat. The spikey-haired blond dude with the strange yet adorable whisker-like birthmarks on his face. The class clown and village idiot. One of the most annoying human beings in the land. If there was ever a marketable demand for pure stupidity, the kid would receive all the accolades, second to none. He is perverted, way too happy, thinks with his stomach more than anything else. And also, he is the Yondaime's son.
Oh yeah, you heard me. Naruto Uzumaki is the son of the Fourth Hokage himself. It was a beautiful fairytale of a story every one knows about, the story of how the Leaf Village was invaded by a legendary fire demon, the Kyuubi no Kitsune. The Nine-Tailed Fox. Our brave Yondaime sacrificed himself for the sake of the village by performing a self-incapacitating jutsu to seal the demon in some sort of prison. He died thereafter from incurable internal injuries and Konoha lived on. That was twelve years ago, precisely about the time I was born. A moving tale that will inspire the hearts and minds of young shinobi for generations to come.
Heck, it inspired me. Like all young fools, I have my own dreams of heroic grandeur. I'm no different from any of the young boys my age. I wanted to fling my kunai with the accuracy of a devil and throw a punch that can crack rocks. I wanted to be able to run faster than the gush of wind and get up to the roof of the Hokage's Tower in a single leap. I wanted to be Hokage. It sounded like the coolest damn career choice in the list to me.
The class waited in bated breath as the crazy kid performed the necessary hand signs. There are nine signs in the sequence for the standard transformation jutsu. I groaned inwardly to myself as I noted he flubbed at least three or four of them, either signing them in the wrong order or even coming up with completely non-existent ones of his own. What is so irritating is that the fervent look on his face and the little bullets of sweat dotting his brow suggested that he is actually not messing around. He is really trying his best here. A sincere and passionate baka.
He tried so hard at everything and never seemed to give up even though he proved himself a failure again and again. We've all been at Konoha Ninja Academy for the last five years of our lives. You would think that he would have made some form of progress by now. Everyone has. Yet, only yesterday, at shuriken practice, he was throwing his stars at Iruka-sensei's head with the wooden dummy a considerable several degrees off-distance. Judging by how many times he bowed and apologized, he was being honestly careless as usual. And people seemed to love him just for that.
That numbskull. I wanted to go back and sleep.
The smoke cleared once more and the end result is more horrendous than before, if that is possible. He now had an incredibly fat Lord Hokage with too puny a head attached to too big a neck. It didn't help either that the ceremonial headdress is adorned with daisies. How the hell did he manage to conjure up those? Already, Iruka-sensei is foaming at the mouth.
I felt mad. What is the idiot trying to pull? He really is so annoying! But I could not help myself. The more I stared at him, the more funny he looked. I was soon busting my gut and laughing like a hyena with the others.
"What kind of a silly jutsu is that?" I shouted across the room. "You could probably at least get our enemies to die laughing!" The rest of the claws roared in approval and added their own choice comments.
Naruto turned red and stamped his foot as he changed back to his original form. "Oh, yeah? Well, I am the son of the Fourth Hokage! I don't need to learn some silly jutsu to pretend to be Hokage, because one of these days I'm gonna be Hokage!"
"Really? On what planet?" I shot back, unable to control myself as I laughed again. This is ridiculous, but that's why its fun. The idiot is so honest and sincere that you really cannot help liking him in spite of being so annoyed with his little ways. Just last week, for instance, he woke up late and rushed to the Academy, not even aware that he forgot his pants and was wearing only his bedroom boxers. And that's Naruto. Son of the Yondaime and our future leader. Pffffft. Baka.
We all missed out on lunch that day.
Luckily, we Inuzukas can naturally skip more meals than the average ninja.
I trudged back to my home, half-dragging my feet because I was feeling sluggish. I was having one of those regular days. Days when I would basically kill all morning and half the afternoon at the Academy, then take the next couple of hours to stroll around the woods by myself.
Why am I alone, you ask? Because people don't seem to want to play with me for some reason. Okay, that's not quite true. I do have my friends. Some of the guys in school are neat. Some of the females smelled really nice. Oh yeah, I can smell if you're a good guy or a complete bastard. Just try me. Momma taught me the secret when I was two. Something about changes in hormonal fluid secreted by the brain or something, I forget, but I know I got it down. I'm a fast learner.
Anyway, as I was saying, I do have friends. It's just that whenever the other kids hang around me, more often than not, their parents would come over and whisk them away. Four, five years ago, I thought nothing of it. They had to go home and wash their muddy feet and eat their veggies, just like I did, I understand.
But lately I am not so sure.
Because now I'm also learning to prick up my ears and listen to pick up some of the strange and unfriendly signals some of the adults have been giving me. Let me recall an encounter I had today. One of my closer friends in class is Shikamaru Nara, mainly because he sat right next to me and often joined me in shacking off to dreamland the second Iruka-sensei opens his mouth.
After we dismissed, he wanted to go and lie down in the sandbox out at the back. We are already twelve – apparently this is the coming of age for all new official shinobi – and we will be graduating soon, but we occasionally hang out in the play area from time to time. It had been our sanctuary, our cubby-hole, our home away from home for the last five years.
I tagged along out of habit and out of having nothing better to do, but his mother showed up after awhile and coolly dragged him away without so much as cracking a smile in my direction. Hey, don't get me wrong. I don't need nobody's parents treating me like I'm something special. I'm an Inuzuka and I only find true comfort within the confines of my pack. That's the way it is. Even so, I didn't like the look she gave me. It was like she saw me as a threat to Shikamaru or something. Like she wanted to protect her cub from a potential predator.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong in my judgment, but I kinda of can sense these things. It's pack nature. Humans are pack animals. She was just doing her job as his mother, I guess. After all, we Inuzukas are so in tune with our animals that for many generations, our members have retained a selection of animalistic features – slightly pointy ears, slit-like corneas, voluminous hair growth, larger fangs than the average human's, longer fingers and naturally tapered fingernails that make our hands look like feral claws.
And that is not all.
Remember what I was saying about being tall? Well, I'm the tallest dude in my class. Animals quite normally mature faster than human beings, most of them attaining full adulthood in only one year following birth. And Inuzukas bridge the gap between beast and man. We mature faster than the members of the other clans too. I look more sixteen than twelve, really.
When I smile, I seem like I'm snarling, no matter how puppy dog and innocent I force my eyes to look. Add to the plate that I'm loud-spoken and generally stubborn as a mule, I guess I cannot help coming off looking like a bad influence, or at least I seem fit the profile of the school bully. Shinobi mothers are really sensitive about their cubs' welfare at the Academy, I noticed. Pack nature. It's only natural, I tell myself. When cubs are young, they cannot defend themselves so well and aren't smart enough to recognize their enemies. Of course their mothers would be a little more paranoid about leaving them out in the open.
But still, I wasn't happy about being kicked aside. Those mothers never treated any of the other kids different. Come on. I am already twelve. I ain't blind. These kids invite themselves to each others homes for lunch, for birthday parties, to tackle homework assignments together, or to just play around. And they have invited me. Only I have never actually been to any one of my friend's houses. Not once. It was that fiercely loyal pack nature again. Mothers softly telling me to come some other time, which of course never happened, or simply taking their cub's hand and walking away acting like they don't even see me.
I don't understand it. It's like everyone in Konoha is a sheep and the Inuzukas are the only wolf clan. That is the only salient reason I can think of to explain the general disdain of the public regarding me. It didn't end with the mothers either. I could go anywhere, for a meal at one of Konoha's many foodstalls, for instance. These old cats should be happy to claim my business, yet a lot of them shoot me down or speak very tightly when taking my order, as if they expect me to say I want their liver for dessert or something.
Seriously, I don't get. What the hell is wrong with me anyway? Am I so hideous? Maybe I should get my teeth pulled. And a manicure.
When I finally reached the door of my house, I paused and raised a fist to knock. It opened before I could make contact and there stood my fine mother, smiling proudly at me. I smiled back. She's a real brick, my momma. A real solid brick. So what if those other moms out there got something against me being friends with their cubs? I got me my own momma, a real fine one too who always knows exactly what I want to eat without me even having to tell her. Motherly intuition. Pack nature.
She had a really big hand that hits really hard when she's mad, but also a very soft hand that made me warm when it caressed my face. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately and it embarrassed the hell out of me because she would do it even when we have visitors from other packs. But it surely beats having no one and that is one of the things I often wondered about Naruto. Both the Yondaime and his wife died. The Fourth's successor, who is sadly also his predecessor, took the boy into his own home.
But Lord Hokage is so busy with the affairs of the village, I can scarcely imagine what it must be like for Naruto during those hours when he has absolutely no one to play with. He had no strong parental figure watching him grow up even if he did live in a really nice house, so I guess he can be excused for having turned out so incredibly loopy. Having been experiencing a kind of loneliness myself, estranged and isolated from everyone else like some sort of wild untamable beast, I kind of identify with the nutty little retard and thus can never bring myself to sincerely hate him. He had a more likeable attitude than mine anyway.
Just then, I felt something warm against my cheek. "Kiba-kun. You're late again, you unteachable baka." I snapped off my thoughts to look up into my momma's deep, deep eyes. Harsh words, but I knew from her tone that she was just playing with me. Her hand lingered ... so soft, so inviting, so relaxing, plus she smelt so good ... I swear I could have fallen asleep on the spot.
Comfort within my own pack. I don't need nothing from the world.
Her hand and the sensation of it left me all too suddenly, and I could scarcely believe I actually miss being nuzzled completely by her when I was tiny cub of three and had yet to blossom to my near-adult size.
"Come on in, Kiba-kun. I need to talk to you about." She turned to go without another lingering glance. I suppose it had to be something serious. She usually punched my face or growled and bit my shoulder when she is in a good mood.
As it turned out, the serious thing was to tell me to wash up after dinner. Then she bust up laughing. I punched her as well.
And all hell broke loose.
A/N – Largely based on that flashback scene during Naru/Kiba's fight in the third round preliminaries. Changes based on logical developments the villagers would have taken if the Kyuubi had been sealed into Kiba. Naruto would not be outcast, in fact I think it is plausible that everyone would treat him like a golden child because of who his father is. Sarutobi taking him in is also plausible and there is no reason for him to hide the fact that Naruto is Yondaime's son. That does not make him any less of a prankster as the Hokage is way to busy to be a true father (Otherwise Konohamaru would be a really nice boy!). Naruto would generally have a much happier childhood as no one is giving him the evil eye or tossing him out into the rain. As for Kiba, I strongly believe that the Inuzukas are quite fanatical about their "pack nature". At the Hokage's order, they are not to tell him anything. They would stand by him and not let the other villagers dig into him so badly like they did to Naruto in the original story, plus they give him the foundation training Naruto lacks. Logically, this means that Kiba will not be as traumatized as Naruto was, so I can still write him in-character, the usual jolly, wild Kiba we all know and love. Until the shit hits the fan of course. Stay tuned for the next chapter. Hinata appears! Whee!