Author's Notes: Here it is! Some of Us, a fic that I actually really like. :3 It's probably my favorite that I've written and the only one I think is any good. I hope you enjoy it! Please R&R, I do take concrit as well! I've never gotten a flame, but you're free to flame me for any store BUT THIS ONE! Because I like it. :3
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note because if I did...Oh well, never mind. ;.
Some of Us
Some of Us
Matt walked into the bedroom of his small, run-down apartment, located in one of the worse areas of the city. That fact didn't bother him or the crazy mob boss that was living with him. Of course the proper term now would be former mob-boss he supposed.
Said former mob boss had just gotten home and Matt hadn't even been able to question him before Mello -the mob boss and Matt's boyfriend- had brushed past him and went to collapse on Matt's bed. Mello had set out earlier that day to retrieve a picture that his childhood rival had of him; A picture that in the wrong hands could mean death given their situation. They had moved to Japan in search of a mass murderer and self-proclaimed God of the new world who went by the name Kira. While that was interesting enough it wouldn't have been enough for them to risk their lives if it hadn't been for one thing; more specifically one person.
L, the person that not just Mello, but Near -Mello's rival- had looked up to as well. As Matt saw it Mello practically worshiped L and Near respected him and wanted to surpass him. Matt's view on L was merely that he was a very cool guy and that it was a shame for him to die, but Matt had never wanted to be him; That would require too much work. He'd prefer the job of ever faithful sidekick to Mello, much like Watari had been to L. Of course it was doubtful that Watari had done as much illegal stuff for L as Matt had for Mello. He had ended up dead though, because he knew too much and was too close to L. Matt was sure that by the end of all of this he too would be dead, killed because of Mello's actions.
His eyes were drawn to the murderous blond that was now sprawled across his bed. It seemed that Mello really was as tired as he claimed to be for he had fallen asleep without removing his shoes or any of the leather he was constantly dressed up in save for his coat. Sighing Matt sat down on the edge of the bed and reached forward to grab a hold of one of Mello's feet, deciding that he could either take off the boy's shoes himself or end up with a dirty bed. Not that he and Mello hadn't gotten his bed dirty many a time...
The thought made him smile, a smile which only grew as Mello let out a low moan, face filled with pleasure. Matt chuckled and finished taking off Mello's shoes before laying on his side next to the blond. With the way Mello was carrying on there was only one thing that he could be dreaming about and it amused Matt to no end.
Heard you today, that isn't my name, you were fast asleep,
Matt's entertained expression quickly dropped, replaced by shock. He must have misheard Mello, yeah that was it. Mello was making little, breathy pants now along with noises Matt had heard more then a few times when they were alone. Still, that name stuck in his mind. Near. Throughout his life Mello had always wanted to do one other thing besides become L, and that was to beat Near. Matt had said countless times, and he truly did believe, that Mello was obsessed with Near. Not just with the idea of being better then him, but actually obsessed with the sheep-boy. Mello had always denied that, but the person Mello talked about the most back at Wammy's wasNear and he couldn't deny that.
Forget what he did, can I be the kid for your soul to keep?
Matt had wanted Mello to forget about Near, but he knew that that wasn't realistic. That was like thinking that Mello would give up chocolate or that Near would give up puzzles. Hell, that was like thinking that L would give up sweets! And so Matt tried his hardest not to get annoyed when it came down to Mello's and Near's competitions; all the while he too held a competition against Near. The goal was to catch and keep Mello's attention and up until now Matt had thought he was winning, but what if he had been mistaken?
I've grown to see the philosophy of my own mistrust,
Near...That was the one person Mello wouldn't do anything with, right? But those noises and that expression...If Mello hadn't been calling Near's name Matt would have been incredibly turned on.
"Haaaah, Near!" Mello twisted against the sheets, hips bucking upward. Matt flinched away from the boy, a little surprised by the sudden movement. Groaning with pleasure Mello twisted to his side, panting. Matt was a little unsure what he should do. He had just watched his boyfriend have an erotic dream about his enemy and he was more then a little confused. As Mello started to move again, this time looking like he was about to wake up, Matt hastily got off of the bed and went to escape out the bedroom door. If he could just leave quickly then he wouldn't have to believe what he just heard, he could pretend it had never happened.
"Matt?" The same voice that had been calling for Near only a few minutes earlier was now speaking to him with a hint of sleepiness. Turning around Matt looked away guiltily, as if he had been caught doing something wrong. There was a low chuckle before Mello started to speak again, "Watching me sleep? Don't you think that's a little creepy?"
"N-n-no!" Matt quickly shouted, face red with embarrassment He didn't think it was creepy, what he thought was creepy was that Mello was dreaming about Near. "Hey….Mello?" His voice was laced with anxiety. "What exactly did you do when you went to see Near?"
Mello's eyes glinted dangerously, "What do you mean, Matt? I went to go get my picture, that's all." He said it teasingly, making it obvious to Matt there had been something else going on. Besides, there was no way that either of them could not notice the bulge in Mello's pants; A side effect from his earlier dream.
"Was that really all?" Matt took the bait, he had to. He couldn't help but be strung along.
"Well, there was something…else." Mello looked like a little kid with a secret that was just too good not to tell. Not that anyone had been stupid enough to confide their secrets in Mello, well, no one but Matt.
"What?" He could tell his voice sounded desperate, but did nothing to try and disguise it.
"Do you really want to know?" Mello had stood up from the bed now and was slinking over towards Matt. Matt wanted desperately to say no, but he couldn't form the words. He wasn't sure if it was because he was distracted by the way Mello was now hanging on him or if the dread of hearing an answer that he already knew had paralyzed him. Breath caressing his ear Mello finally spilled his secret, "I slept with him."
For a second it felt like Matt's heart had stopped and he wondered if Kira had finally succeeded in getting his real name and he was going to die of a heart attack. But die he did not, instead he was left there still standing with sharp pains shooting through his chest and a horny blond wrapped around him.
Out of blind horror he threw out his arms and pushed Mello away. He must have miscalculated how strong he was pushing though, because the blond ended up losing his footing and falling back onto the bed. Growling Mello sat up and glared at Matt, "What was that for?" He saw a mixture of disbelief, horror, and was that….pain? Written across Matt's face before a familiar look stole across the red-head's face. It was the one Matt wore when he was deluding himself about something. Inwardly Mello cursed, he would stop him this time.
We all have our faults, my come in waves that you turn to rust,
Matt's mind was working as hard as it could, trying to supply him with some sort of loop-hole. Mello couldn't be serious. Sleeping with Near? That was preposterous! There was only one man that Mello would sleep with and he happened to be a red-head. Maybe he had taken it the wrong way, Mello had said slept after all, that didn't have to mean sex.
"Haha, real funny Mello. I almost believed you for a second." He was doing it again, easily convincing himself that Mello must have been awake when he came in the room. He must have known Matt was standing there and had pretended to be dreaming about Near. It wasn't like it would be too hard for him to get it up; Mello was a bit of a sex-fiend after all. He could be such a bastard sometimes.
I've been hanging onto something,
"Why do you always do this? You always ignore the obvious if you don't like it." Mello frowned, raising an eyebrow. Hopefully the simple words would be enough to make Matt stop with the pretending shit. Either way he wasn't going to let it get to him, he was in too good of a mood. Leaning back on his elbows he looked over at the gamer. "Why the Hell would I lie about something like this? It was my triumph, I finally got what I wanted. I won for once!" The blond tipped his head back to laugh, obviously overjoyed at his 'victory'.
You keep laughing, awe-inspiring.
For a second Matt was completely dumbfounded. The way Mello was cackling, so at ease with the fact that he had just had sex with his mortal enemy, was unnerving. And what was this shit about finally getting what he wanted? Finally winning? So what, Matt was just someone to screw around with while he waited for the perfect opportunity to be with Near?!
"What's wrong, Matt? You look like a ghost." Mello snickered, his laughter slowly subsiding. It was true, Matt had gotten rather pale. He had been deluding himself for so long now, convincing himself that Mello loved him that to find out he had slept with Near was like a slap to the face. It hurt to know that the person you had been chasing after your entire life, the person you had done so much for, the person you thought you finally had, was lying to you the entire time. He was just being used, which really shouldn't have shocked him. After all, Matt was only third best, how could he hope to beat Near?
In a way Matt had always known this, but it's surprisingly easy to lie to yourself when you don't want to believe something. The only problem with doing something like that is when you're dropped into a situation where no matter how hard you try you can't find a way to twist the words around inside your head to make them all better.
"So you've been waiting that long, huh?" Matt said, turning away from Mello so he wouldn't see how angry and upset he was.
"Of course I have. You know better then anyone how I've always wanted to see Near show some emotion, to show helplessness." Mello sounded like he was going to start cackling again.
Matt let out a bitter laugh, "Yeah, I know better then anyone…." He heard Mello stand up from the bed, mattress squeaking as the rest of the weight that had been on it disappeared. Soon he felt a leather-gloved hand reach out to lay on his shoulder. No, not lay, Matt had to stop lying to himself. It grabbed him; grabbed him and spun him around to face its owner.
"What the Hell is wrong with you? You're acting weird."
"What the Hell is wrong with me?" Matt's voice rang out in the small bedroom, "I just found out that my boyfriend was out screwing his mortal enemy and you have to ask me what the fuck is wrong with me? I thought you were a genius, Mello?!" The words were coming out of his mouth before he had a chance to think properly, though it was unlikely he could anymore.
Mello took a step back, retracting his hand. It was very, very rare to see Matt get angry and it always surprised him when the gamer did. "Jeez Matt, calm the fuck down. It's not like it meant anything, I just did it for his reaction."
Matt let out the same bitter laugh he had a few minutes earlier, "How am I supposed to believe that Mello? All your life it's been Near, Near, Near! Back at Wammy's House all you cared about was beating Near's score, or making Near loose control, or making Near pay attention to you! "
"Matt, shut up. You're just being dram-"
"Don't tell me to shut up! If I fucking bleached my hair white would you listen to me Mello?! If I had gotten better grades at Wammy's House would you listen to me, Mello? Hell, want me to dress up in pajamas and start playing with puzzles?! Will that catch your attention?!"
"You're acting like I'm obsessed or something!" Mello's comment actually stunned Matt into silence for a few minutes. Yes, Matt was the king of lying to himself, but Mello must be almost as good if he could really convince himself that he wasn't obsessed with Near. Soon he recovered his voice,
"You've got to be kidding me! You are obsessed, Mello! Near is the only thing you care about! The only fucking thing!" He couldn't take it anymore, he had to leave. He couldn't stand looking at Mello anymore, being anywhere close to the feisty blond made him ill. Turning around he sped off, rushing from his run-down apartment and out into the street, slamming the door behind him.
Some of us laugh, some of us cry,
At first he had been upset, but now… Now in some perverse way it was almost funny. Mello didn't realize how devoted Matt had always been, did he? From the first time they met at Wammy's to now, Matt had always stuck by Mello's side. Who had taken care of him when he'd burnt himself up? Not Near that was for sure.
"Damn it Mello, it's always been about you." He whispered to no one in particular, chuckling a little bit.
To Mello it was alright that he had slept with Near because apparently it didn't mean anything, but how was Matt supposed to believe that?
He had learned a long time ago to ignore the unpleasant things in life, to just let them slide away. How many times had he ignored, or at least tried to ignore, the looks Mello shot Near when he thought no one was looking? How many times did he ignore the look on Mello's face when someone mentioned Near? That name always caught his attention... How long had Matt been ignoring the fact that he was just a temporary replacement? When they were together, did Mello think about Near instead of him? His laughter soon turned into choked sobs, leaving him doubled over in the alley he had run to. He felt weak, used, and betrayed. Mello had finally gotten what he wanted, so where did that leave Matt?
Some of us smoke, some of us lie,
Finally his tears subsided, leaving Matt feeling strangely hollow. It was almost like his mind had shut down, not willing to deal with his problems anymore. Needless to say it scared him. Fear flooded all of his senses until he was in a complete panic. He found himself struggling for breath, trying not to drown in his terror. His breath was coming in short gasps and his chest was tightening painfully. His gloved hands reached out to tangle in his hair as he tried desperately to fill his lungs. It wasn't any good and the thought that he was going to die there, in some alleyway that smelt of piss and liquor without anyone looking for him was almost enough to start his tears back up. Instead he just lay there shivering, waiting for his panic attack to subside.
Once he could breath again he reached into the pocket of his vest and pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. Trembling he slipped one of the cigarettes in between his lips and fumbled with the lighter. Finally lighting it he took a deep drag and leaned his back against the wall he had curled up to. Blowing the smoke out of his mouth with a sigh he contemplated his next move. Mello had always said that his smoking was going to kill him, but Matt had always just laughed. Didn't Mello see that he was a worse poison then nicotine?
But it's all just the way, that we cope with our lives.
Well, he'd feed his addiction to Mello just once more. He'd get rid of the useless person he had become, he was nothing but dead weight now. Mello had finally conquered his enemy, he didn't need to pretend anymore.
Standing up slowly Matt stumbled out of the alleyway and looked up at the building he had been leaning on. It was the home of some business whose name sounded familiar to Matt even though he couldn't quite place where he had heard it before. The secretary at the front desk had abandoned her post, running off to go to the bathroom or grab a quick cup of coffee. Matt didn't really care, the fact that she was gone just meant that he could get to the stairs he could see in the corner of the entry without being asked any questions.
Pulling open the glass doors he walked briskly past the elevator and front desk. Before opening the door that led to the steps he glanced over to make sure the secretary hadn't come back from whatever she had been doing. Assured that he wasn't about to be seen he opened the door, which made a slight creaking noise from not being used in a while, and started up the stairs. He just hoped that no one had bothered to lock the door to the roof.
Some of us laugh, some of us cry,
Mello was starting to get frantic as he searched the city for Matt. The red-head couldn't have gotten too far, he was on foot after all. At first the blond had merely rolled his eyes and waited a few minutes before following Matt out the door. At first he considered not even going after the dramatic gamer, after all he knew his dog better then anyone and he always came back, but something was nagging at him; Probably the hurt that he had seen behind those orange tinted goggles. It didn't help when an hour and a half later he still couldn't find him. Just when he was about to give up and ignore the alarm growing in the pit of his stomach he caught sight of a familiar stripe-clad boy.
Mello's expression turned from one of annoyance and worry to one of confusion as he read the name of the building Matt was going into. The building was pretty big and hard to miss unless you were a complete and utter idiot. It was a law firm that they had passed quite a few times when they were doing errands and whatnot and they had always snickered at the lawyers rushing in. If Mello was in a good mood and wouldn't yell at him for it Matt would make some joke about them being killed by Kira. It was your stereotypical lawyer joke with the modern twist of a psychotic killer with a god-complex and a magic notebook.
Reaching forward Mello grasped the handle of the door to the firm and pulled them open, his gloved hands making a squeak against the metal handle. The secretary had just come back, but Mello's eyes weren't on her. Instead they were trained on the door he had seen Matt disappear through. He didn't even glance at the attractive brunette as she called out to him, asking who he was looking for and where he was going. He didn't have time for her, he needed to find Matt.
Some of us smoke, some of us lie,
He didn't know why he was in such a hurry. There wasn't a snowball's chance in Hell that Matt would do anything reckless. But if that was what he truly believed then why was he taking the steps two at a time? There were other places Matt could go, so why did he assume immediately that his destination was the roof? Matt wouldn't do anything rash. He couldn't. He wouldn't.
But it's all just the way, that we cope with our lives.
Mello was running faster now.
My wandering soul found solace at last,
Matt smiled, strangely calm as he started across the rooftop. Soon it would all be over and he wouldn't feel the pain any longer. Behind him he heard the crash of the roof door being thrown open as a breathless blond came barreling through.
I wanted to know how long it would last.
Matt turned, there was Mello again first disrupting Matt's life and now his death. Couldn't he be alone for just five minutes? Why was he even here? Mello didn't love him, the only thing he ever loved was the control that he had over him. Mello must have gotten such a kick out of the fact that Matt was willing to go to the ends of the world for him. His eyes started to sting and his vision started to become blurry before he reprimanded himself. There was no reason to get upset now, he wanted to die with a smile. After all he was finally doing something right.
"Matt, stop this right now! I order you to!" Mello sounded exasperated, like he was the mother of a stubborn teen who just wouldn't listen.
She's losing control,
Scowling Mello glared at Matt, why wasn't his dog obeying him?! It pissed him off, not to mention brought back the fear that Matt was serious. Serious...that was one of the words that Mello would have never have thought of to mention Matt; except maybe when it came down the gamer and his love for electronics.
"Hey Mells, guess what?"
Mello snapped out of his thoughts and noticed that Matt was now standing on the ledge of the building. His heart leaped to his throat, not only at the sight, but at the tone of voice Matt was using. It was one of cheeriness, as if he had just found out wonderful news. It scared him more then any pained tone could have.
"I think I finally understand what it feels like to be in second place….I mean, isn't that what I was? A replacement for Near...? See, I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks, I finally got it!" He was laughing, a noise that sounded insane even to his own ears.
Green eyes widening, Mello was speechless for a moment. "Wha-what?! What the Hell are you talking about, a replacement for Near?! Damn it Matt! Don't do this! Can't we...can't we talk about this or something?!" Whatever Matt thought he had figured out he was wrong.
She's coming down fast,
Matt looked over his shoulder at Mello, eyes full of questions. "Is it guilt? Don't feel guilty, Mello. I'm just giving you what you wanted and you shouldn't feel bad. After all I'm just third best, no one will miss me if I die." He smiled at Mello, a smile that broke the blond's heart into pieces.
"Matt...I don't want you to die. I didn't know that having sex with Near would hurt you, I thought...I don't know what I thought, okay?! I was wrong!"
Matt's eyes widened, "...Wrong?"
Mello growled, "What, am I not allowed to be wrong once in awhile? Now come over here and lets talk about this on lower ground." Matt bit his lip and glanced back over at the street below him. He could just be lying to him after all, but if that was true then why didn't he just let him die? Matt was so confused... "Come on Matt...I...I love you."
The temptation was too much, even if Mello was lying to him he sounded sincere enough. And when Matt whipped around he saw that Mello had an annoyed scowl, and quite the blush, on his face. He went to take a step forward, smiling for real this time when he felt everything start to spin.
"Shit." He shouldn't have turned so fast, he had thrown himself off balance. With a sharp intake of breath he found himself falling backwards, limbs flailing as he plummeted to the ground below.
"MATT!" Mello rushed to the side of the building, a leather gloved hand outstretched to try and grab his arm. He was close, but hadn't been fast enough and just missed grabbing onto Matt. Still...
Matt smiled, Mello had reached out for him; he had been wrong! Despite breaking down all of Matt's blissful lies and seemingly not caring about him, Mello was telling the truth when he had said that he loved him; Telling the truth when he had said that he wasn't just a replacement.
The heart that I stole, I'm not giving back,
Matt was still smiling when he hit the ground with a bone shattering crunch.
Never giving back.