First person Sasuke drabble; bit like stepping into his shoes and talking from his mouth, I guess. Not sure if I did horribly, and not sure if I hit the nail on the head.
In the end, it is yet again my take on a complicated situation- this one being the disturbed, and disturbing if you think on it hard enough, mind of Uchiha Sasuke.
The only warnings is mild language (just the f word, nothing serious or anything).
And with that, I present to you:
Around and around, like the ashes, ashes, around and around, and we all.. fall... down. Will it ever end... the ashes, ashes?
People always talk, or think, about their most important person. They all wonder at some point, "Who do I hold closest to my heart?", and what they assume to be their dearest becomes numerous people.
Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters. Family.
Lovers, Friends, Soulmates, Spouses. Family.
The people we vow to protect, the person we love; we are creatures who cannot deny completely any sort of attraction to someone...
But what I've come to realize...
Sometimes the person you hold closest isn't someone you think you love. Sometimes, it's someone you hate with all your being. Someone you want to hurt, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Someone you find yourself losing your mind over, and falling into a deep, dark obsession with... something so close to love it almost is.
Because you love the person you hate. You love that there's someone you've grabbed ahold of, someone you can't let go of.
You love thinking of how their blood would feel on your fingertips, how it would taste, what it would smell like. What it would look like, if you could cause them horror and pain at the same time. Cause them fear, and despair; torture them in every way you can...
And sometimes, the hate has started out as love, true and pure and real. Sometimes, a piece of you somewhere far away and long lost doesn't really want to feel any of that. Doesn't want to hate, not them, not them...
Love, I want to love, I don't want to hate... hate... love...
Evil thoughts spawn from hatred.
Evil thoughts spawn from love.
And when you lose the person closest to you... you are nothing. Every sense of the word becomes your fiber, because without the most precious thing you have, you don't have anything to grasp and can lose yourself. Hope may come from a dark time of having nothing... but once you've had nothing, there is no coming back completely.
Something will always trigger that nothing feeling.
When you lose the person you want to harm, or heal, or both... when you've never had one to begin with... those feelings are terrifying. True and pure and real. Terror. Horror. Hatred. Love. Denial.
And unless you're lucky... insanity. Madness. A place where you are a circle, and a circle is you; where you are stuck in a sickening loop and you hate it, you hate it hate it hate it hate it... but your ravenous hunger for anything is lost, and your will to leave the circle is gone.
I have realized all of this... I have realized none of it.
I had thought once, long ago, that I had lost everything. My brother killed them all, they all fell down, like the ashes, ashes. For years that stupid song played over and over again in my mind, far away but always, always there. But over time, when I lost it all again, this time by choice... I realized I hadn't lost my dearest or my soul. I was still there. Somewhere.
And when I forcefully cut the bonds, I had thought it was over again, and that I had lost it all once more. I had but one goal, to get power, to kill the very thing that would be my undoing.
And I did.
I killed him, and more, more... killed him and more...
The cycle reached me then, when I saw myself kill my brother. The damned, forsaken cycle that never fucking ends. I see it all, a million times, like a broken record set on replay. One scene, again and again and again.
I realized in that moment, that nothing other than my brother had been my most important person... nothing.
But instead of crying, or screaming, or running away... I laughed. I laughed, because this was what I had always wanted, and I had gotten it. Achieved my grandest goal, and gone and killed my precious person.
So he said it. "Now you see me... now you don't." And just like that, he was gone.
I have no regrets. I have no shame. Just a cycle that never fucking ends.