The Biggest Lie

a/n: Another one-shot in continuation of The Biggest Fan

He hated the irony of it all.

As he watched her from the monitors, L felt that same sensation he felt earlier--a plummeting of the heart. Luckily, her eyes were covered;perhaps that way, she woudl not affect him so deeply. Ah, but the pain was everlasting. The woman he desired was at his fingertips, yet even further from his reach. She might as well have been an image on paper, for he could not get close to her.

He was too brilliant. That is why the others are allowing him to get away with this.

In truth, he felt sick. So sick to his core. Depriving her of life, watching her suffer--how could he be allowed such a thing? Especially to someone he wanted to protect? Why was anyone allowing him to do this?

I only wanted to make you smile.

"Please kill me!"

Her words were desperate, something he caused. Her desperation, her willingness to accept death, her boldness in asking for death...was all because of him.

L hated himself.

How strange it was, that she changed. As if, she was a completely different person.

"Ryuuzaki?" she once questioned his name. L took sick pleasure in hearing her call him.

Lawliet! Call me Lawliet!

But he knew better. Because in some way, shape or form, she was the Second Kira. Someone that despised L, and worshipped the first Kira, L's only opponent. Second Kira would not hesitate to kill him off. To make it so that no one stood in Kira's way. Those bright blue eyes that he had grown so fond of could be dangerous. If he died today, then she would surely be found guilty.

But she saw him and he lived. Briefly, he was tempted to tell her his desire.

Lawliet, call me Lawliet.

"I could actually fall for you?"

Maybe in another life, she would have smiled and held on to his arm the way she held onto Light Yagami's own hesitant arm. Maybe she would have grinned and allowed him to steal a kiss from her the way she stole one from him. In some other life, perhaps she would have lit up and jumped into his arms like in all those horrible cliched dramas, and agree wholeheartedly.

"I could fall for Lawliet too!"

But of course, this was reality, and reality was never kind. Instead, her face scrunched up briefly in protest.

"Let's not go that far."

No, of course not.

We cannot.

But it would have been nice to live another life.

"Ryuuzaki is a pervert!"

And maybe he was. He constantly watched her every move. Like a hawk stalking its prey, his eyes traveled and roamed across her figure. He took in her walk, how she bounced ever so slightly after a few steps. He memorized the shape of her hips, and how seductively they moved as she made her way o sit next to Light. He envied the way her eyes were appraising, looking at the teenage boy as if he were god.

She never asked for a god. She asked for Justice.

So look at me. Look at me. I'm right here.

Maybe he was a pervert, for staring too much at her, for taking pleasure in seeing her act normally: reading a magazine, painting her nails, brush her hair. Maybe he really was sick for giving her the attention she craved. That attention that Light Yagami could never give her.

Or maybe he was just in love.

If Light Yagami was not Kira, he was certainly the devil.

Or perhaps Hades.

The Hades who stole his Persephone.

"Did you really mean it, when you said you were a fan of Misa-Misa?"

She only asked to make small talk, perhaps. Yet, that did not stop him from relishing the idea that she still remembered the events of when they first met--no matter how disastrous it was. He loved that she remembered his words, that she acknowledged his existence, that she noticed when he spoke. What else could she have noticed? What else did she see? Did she know?

"Yes, I've always been Misa-san's fan. Since the very beginning. Always. Do you know that I became Justice for you? Because you wanted Justice. And I am you fan. All this time.

Anything you grace, anything that has you, I buy--I collect. You know, because I want to support you, and show you that I can give you anything. That I truly do feel for you.

I want you to see me in the way I see you."

He could have said those words if things were different. If she was not the Second Kira, or if there was no Light Yagami (the one who did not appreciate her. The one who did not see her). He could have said those words if he were just a bit more selfish, and a bit braver.

"No, I did not."

She didn't seem surprise, but she did seem a little hurt. But it passed as quickly as it came. Misa smiled a bit sadly and then, at that moment, L wished he could read her thoughts. What was going through the mind that no one but him knew she had? What coonclusions could she be forming?

But he could not know.

"Misa thought so."

Any other thing would have hurt less. The fact that she had little faith in him to actually believe that he could want someone like her was heartbreaking.

If he were just a bit more selfish, if he were just a bit braver, he would have taken it all back.

Yet, he knew he was L, Justice in human form, and today, Justice had to lie.

It didn't make the pain go away.