Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

This story is dedicated to Bastion5 who encouraged me to write it. It's a sort of parody challenge fic and is meant to be a joke. Flame me if you must and then you'll have proven you have no sense of humour, or you take Bleach way too seriously.

The Seireitei Seraglio

After Soul Society

Sitting on the ground, his back supported by the tree under whose shade he rested, he thought about his life. Being a Shinigami, substitute, deputy, unseated human with supernatural powers was proving more interesting and complicated than he'd originally thought. Scratching his chest he scowled slightly as he remembered some of the down side; sneaking around, hiding the truth from his family, trying to find time to study, but there were rewards. Lots of return for the investment of his time.

Smirking, he placed Zangetsu across his knees. He was tired but he knew why. Not enough sleep and too much activity during the day and the night. All the same, he wanted a break. That was why he was sitting here alone, in the park under a tree. Only a few people would be able to find him, but he thought they might leave him alone, for the present. He'd left Rukia asleep in the cupboard, her body still flushed from sex and that should buy him some time with her. Trying to perform in the enclosed space was challenging, but he didn't want her to be found in his bed. Too many explanations would be required.

Urahara and Yoruichi had finally permitted him to leave after their usual threesome and the Quincy had been pleasured by a sex toy Ichigo had picked up on the off chance. He'd wanted want to fuck the guy, but he'd been acting jealous recently and Ichigo wanted to remove himself slightly. Fellating him would have tired his jaw and not provided enough distance. Anyway Orihime had been hot for oral sex earlier and after that he just didn't feel like sucking Ishida's dick. Maybe he should try to get the two of them together.

Trying to get away from his father and sisters demands for more family time was getting difficult and he wondered if they would still be waiting for him when he arrived home. Couldn't they just get on with the perverted games their father wanted them to play, without him?

"At least I'm not in the Seireitei now. Hell my arse got sore there. So did my cock. Someone new turned up to declare their love for me every few minutes. It was flattering but taxing. I'm never going near that Kenpachi man again and I won't let him get behind me. His tool is too large for comfort and his whole bloody Division is sex mad. I wasn't sure I'd get out of there in one piece especially when Yumichika and Ikkaku got their hands on me. At least Orihime healed me so I could cope with what happened next but then I had to fuck her. It finally got to the point that I rejected anyone who wasn't seated at least at the 10 level. Now I'm considering raising it to 5."

Watching the clouds pass through the sky he reflected on his final days before his return to the human world. "I think I've fucked or been fucked by every captain, every lieutenant and then some, except for one, the weird guy. Then there was that Captain's meeting I had to attend before I left. I didn't expect to end up being the main prize in an orgy. Are all the captain's meetings like that? It was really exciting being pressed between Unohana and Ukitake and I was lucky Soi mounted Kenpachi before he could get to me and then Toshiro and Byakuya cornered me. There was one guy who couldn't seem to get anyone interested, that one with the weird make-up who I never got near. Even Sajin rejected him and started sucking Yamamoto's cock. That's it. No more meetings. There's only so much Ichigo to go around. I thought it was the end but I left I walked in on Ishida with Nemu and I ended up in the middle of a fuck sandwich again."

He noticed his thoughts were having the inevitable reaction but he knew someone would be along soon to take care of it. Feeling a mild surprise he wondered why no one had turned up already.

"I wish I could get Keigo and Chad together, that would give me a bit more breathing space at school. If I get bailed up in the men's room one more time I might start having to hold it until I get home. I'm never using my locker again. Every time I bend over to use it I end up being used. Maybe I should move out of home, live by myself, just to have one night without someone wanting me to ride them or insisting on riding me. At least I've got Zangestu and Hichigo off my back and onto each other's, though I had to agree to an occasional threesome with them."

His eyes closed he saw a melange of bodies appear in his mind and images of sex overheated his already fevered imagination. Though he did not believe it possible he began to doze.

The sun continued to move through the sky, and in the gathering twilight an opening appeared in the sky through which two figures appeared. One was large, both in height and width with a strange bone jaw overlapping his flesh jaw. The other guy was much smaller, very slender with large green eyes and a horn sticking out of one side of his head.

"Is that him?" the large one asked, staring intently at Ichigo.

"I think so, Yammy. He fits the description that Aizen sama gave. We have to take him with us, now Aizen has discovered his love for the boy," the slender one said, hands in pockets as he observed the sleeping Ichigo.

"He's sort of cute, Ulquiorra. Can I fight him before we take him to Las Noches?" The eager tone of Yammy held a trace of longing that was not lost on his companion.

"If you must. Be certain not to harm him too much, Aizen wants him whole. I'll wake him now." Studying the sleeping figure, he had to fight the urge to wake him by pressing his mouth to the exposed flesh of the boy's neck. Instead he prodded him in the thigh with his foot. "Wake."

Ichigo started awake, immediately grabbing Zangetsu, preparing to fight. "Who the fuck are you?" he demanded as he got to his feet.

"We are Arrancar, here to fight and kill you. I'm Yammy and he's Ulquiorra," the large creature responded as he licked his lips either with anticipation at the fight or something else.

Stretching, Ichigo felt a smile form on his face. Finally a challenge; a chance to fight someone who wasn't about to swoon at his feet. "You're going to kill me? Doubt it. I'll kill you without even using bankai." He swept Zangetsu through the air and tried to cut the Arrancar's thigh.

Yammy grinned and easily blocked the first pass, with his hand, but as the fight progressed Ulquiorra, when he could take his eyes off the orange haired figure, noticed that Yammy did not seem to be concentrating as much as normal. His moves became sloppier as the saliva started to collect at the sides of his mouth, while his focus on the boy fighting him became more extreme.

Ulquiorra loved watching Ichigo move. The guy was poetry in motion, even when he was scratching his arse, or now, as he tripped and fell flat on his face. Yep, the boy knew how to move. Yammy could have captured him then, but the soppy look on his face indicated why he was hesitating.

Throwing himself on his knees, Yammy bowed his head and then raising it slightly, he looked at the Shinigami, sprawled in front of him. "I love you. I don't wish to fight the one I love. Love me in return."

Ichigo sighed as he got to his feet, brushing the dirt off his clothes. He had hoped for an uncomplicated fight, but knew he'd been fooling himself. In the back of his mind he had a sneaking suspicion that he was about to meet a new bunch of people who would fall prey to his overwhelming charm. How could he blame them, when he found it hard to resist himself?

Ulquiorra was glaring at his companion, his hand preparing to pull the zanpaku-to out of its scabbard. The cold eyes were piercing and the hatred reflected was intense.

"He's meant for Aizen sama," Ulquiorra said defiantly, then paused and added in an undertone, "and me."

Understanding there was no choice Ichigo took out his PDA, flicking it open and readied the stylus. "I'll see when I can fit you in. Now, I'm free from…."

The End