Death by Teacup

Death by Teacup

Or why Naruto isn't allowed to watch action movies

I don't own Naruto. If I did, rabid squirrels would join Lee in battle, if only for the sole purpose of shocking Neji.

The brunette snarled as a hand squeezed her bottom, turning on the perpetrator instantly, punching him in the face.

The man growled and rushed in to the fight, several others joining him as the girl ducked under a haymaker and kicked a second man in the face. Unfortunately, for all their unsavory looks, the bounty hunters were relatively skilled and quickly subdued her.

Naruto's eyes widened in delight. This was just like the scene from Chronicles of Riddick! The beautiful girl helplessly pinned against the wall, just waiting for the hero to save her! Okay, well, maybe they were in a bar instead of a prison, but it was close enough!

"I don't think she likes being touched," Naruto observed, trying to achieve the same tone of deadly nonchalance that Riddick had used as he looked pointedly at the unconscious bodies on the floor. "I'd take my wounded and go… while you still can." A single finger ran around the edge of his cup in a seemingly idle fashion.

The thugs snickered at the blond, clearly unimpressed with the short teenager. "Really? And what happens when we don't? You're going to kill us with a sake-cup?" The snickering grew louder as the thugs were obviously impressed by their friend's… wit.

Naruto could have cried for joy at how perfectly they were following the script, and sent a mental prayer of thanks to whatever god was listening. "Tea, actually."

"What?" a thug scoffed, snorting in disbelief as his comrades chuckled.

"It's tea," Naruto elaborated. He barely restrained himself from adding that he wasn't allowed to drink yet. That would sound so uncool. "I'm going to kill you with my teacup." He shifted his grip ever so slightly, knowing that the thugs wouldn't care.

The self-appointed leader looked incredulously at his crew, expression matched by the captive girl, who rolled her eyes. In response, the men shrugged, as if to say 'might as well get it over with' and the leader pulled a kunai, lunging for Naruto.

Naruto grinned as he dodged easily, and his hand slammed into the man's chest, teacup easily bursting the man's heart.

The thug had time for one choked inhalation, eyes bugging out, before he toppled to the floorboards, blood starting to pool around him. The remainder drew back slightly, twitching nervously as they attempted to figure out how to respond. Naruto could tell that they were working themselves up to attack and smoothly drew out his house key, eyes narrowing challengingly.

The bar cleared in under ten seconds, leaving only Naruto and the brunette.

"Death by teacup?" the girl asked incredulously.

Naruto waited for the praise that he knew was coming, the acknowledgment of his awesomeness.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura screeched and he winced at the volume of her voice.


"But, but," Naruto stuttered in disbelief. "But it was cool! Didn't you think it was cool?!"

"NA-RU-TO!" Sakura growled threateningly, arm winding up for a punch.

Naruto whimpered as he hit the wall, bump and bruises already forming. Why do these things never work for me?