The Black Knight – Naruto-style

I do not own Naruto. If I did, Naruto would dye Hiashi's hair orange. And Hinata would help. I don't own Monty Python either. Just the parrot.

"None shall pass."

Shikamaru blinked and looked at the black-clad figure again. "What?"

An ominous baritone rumbled forth. "None shall pass."

Shikamaru sighed and looked up at the clouds. And things had started out so well today. "So troublesome. Do we really have to fight? Can't you just let us cross?"

"Then you shall die," the man predicted, still using an ominous voice/

"I'd really rather not do that either. I'm kind of on official Konoha business here."

His self-proclaimed opponent merely stared at him. "I move… for no man."

"I really don't have a choice, do I?" Shikamaru sighed again, then swiftly rolled out of the way as a huge scythe sliced through where his head had previously been. "Great," he muttered, arming himself with Asuma-sensei's trench knives.

He didn't bother attempting to parry the massive weapon, focusing on dodging instead, waiting for his opening. There! Chakra enhanced blades cut swiftly, and Shikamaru was rewarded with a bloody stump where his opponent's left arm used to be.

"I don't suppose we can stop now?" he asked hopefully.

"'Tis but a scratch," the silver-haired man dismissed the injury in a lofty tone.

Shikamaru gaped incredulously at the response. "A scratch? Your arm's off." Not even Tsunade-sama can heal that.

The man shifted, looking evasive. "No it isn't."

Shikamaru looked pointedly at the arm lying on the ground. "What's that then?"

"I've had worse," the man claimed immediately, attempting to wave the injury off.

"Worse than losing an arm?" Shikamaru questioned in disbelief. He wasn't exactly one to call a person on a lie, but…

"C'mon you pansy!" the man challenged, scythe sweeping downwards.

Instinctively, Shikamaru ducked inside the man's guard, hands moving in a practiced blur. He sighed in relief as both scythe and arm dropped to the ground. "Thank God that's over."

The man scowled and jumped, twisting in mid-air and knocking Shikamaru backwards. "C'mon on then."

"What?!" Shikamaru shouted, trying to defend himself from the unexpected assault.

"Have at you!" he bellowed, a fierce scissor kick sending Shikamaru tumbling.

There is something seriously wrong with this man. "You can't win, you know. There's no point in continuing this fight."

"Oh? Had enough, ey?" the man taunted, attempting to attack again.

Shikamaru began to lose his temper. "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left."

"Yes I have," was the immediate response.

"No attached arms!" Shikamaru tried to point out. What was wrong with him?

The man sneered. "Just a flesh wound."

"Look, stop that!" Why the hell won't you just leave me alone!

"Chicken! Chicken!"

Shikamaru then proceeded to do something very unlike him, and sliced off one of the man's legs. Maybe that will teach him something.

"I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what?!"

"Come 'ere!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, and employed a rarely used tool of his – sarcasm. Nothing else seemed to be working. "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!" the man proclaimed to the surrounding countryside.

"You're a loony," Shikamaru drawled.

"The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!" the mostly limbless man shouted, hopping closer to the shadow-user.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes again, frozen by his disbelief.

"Come on then," the man whined coaxingly.

"So troublesome," Shikamaru groaned, removing the last leg, hoping that would satisfy the idiot.

The man twitched on the ground, inspecting himself. "All right, we'll call it a draw," he decided in a rather satisfied tone.

"Come on, Chouji," Shikamaru muttered, walking away and hoping that insanity wasn't contagious.

"Oh, oh I see. Running away, ey? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" the man shouted, his voice carrying through the forest.

"Why me?" Shikamaru asked of an uncaring sky.


Kakuzu sighed as he sewed his partner back together. "How do you get yourself into these situations?"

Hidan looked sheepish. "I, um, like to role-play?"