Foolish! That's what I had been! So very, very foolish! Why had I thought that once Yamato and I actually got together that things would go smoothly? Had I completely lost my mind!? Yes, of course I had. Not only had I practically begged him to date me, but now I realized that I couldn't really tell anyone about this. Our relationship had to be kept a secret - at least until we were comfortable around one another to admit it. Sure it isn't the most romantic thing, agreeing to not tell anyone that you are together, but we both knew it was for the best. Honestly, we'd probably just get chastised for it anyway, right? Right. .... I am right, right? Oh, I do so hate being unsure of myself. Why can't I be like other people, normal people, who can scream at the top of their lungs and feel better? Or vent, vocally, to their best friend and get everything off their plate. I suppose that is fate and life for you. That I'm sure of.
Yes, you've read correctly. Yamato and I agreed to keep it all a secret. Tell no one and continue as if things were normal. Heh, yeah right. Here was I, always practical Hikari, doing something completely irrational and illogical. Even in my own mind it seemed this way. Why would I, the perfect child, choose a boy I hardly know over the one I'd known the longest (Daisuke) or my new best friend (Takeru)? People would question that, too, if they knew I wanted to be with Yamato, that I was with Yamato. Even I, myself, questioned why I chose him, but no matter how logically I placed things, I felt... well, I felt sick at the thought of dating Daisuke or Takeru. Oh... that didn't sound right, did it? I guess one can only understand this feeling when one has actually felt it. Let me see... how to explain. It's like learning that the person who has been your friend forever, family almost, likes you. You know you don't return those feelings and it feels... sickening. Ya know that feeling?
Well, whether or not you do is not the point. The point is, I found out hiding relationships is not easy and even though I can't speak, I can be read as clearly as a new book. I found this out the very next morning at school. Unfortunately, it was also that same day I found out that many people would be upset about Yamato and I.
"Hikari!" Miyako called, waving her arm high so I could find her in the crowded courtyard of the school. I couldn't help but smile at Miyako. She was just that kind of person to me. Many found her annoying and couldn't stand her. But I loved Miyako, perhaps for the very reason other people didn't. Her mouth. Miyako's mouth tended to run, sometimes when it shouldn't, and I love her for it. She was one of the very few people who isn't afraid to talk away while next to me. It's always been something that's bothered me, when people hesitate to talk around me simply because I can't. My purple haired friend never stopped talking and it helped fill the silence I felt. It must seem odd to read that, feeling silence, but that's what I felt. Many people feel emptiness, or hear the silence (redundant, yes?) but I felt it. I felt silence and heard emptiness.
"Yo, Kari! What took you so long?" it was Daisuke that broke my thoughts and I smiled at him. I signed the one word everyone had learned from me - I used it so often and it was a comforting thing to me. Music. The sign for music is the right hand, palm facing left, is waved back and forth over the down-turned left hand in a series of elongated figure-eights. "Oh." it was a tone that told me it explained everything. My friends new me so well.
"So, can you believe that-" and so they launched into a conversation that I didn't really pay attention to. I was lost in thought, my brain running over many things, but I found that my thoughts kept going to Yamato. I was amazed by this myself, after all this was just a crush. Of course, Miyako's crushes were always all she talked about, so perhaps this was normal. I wasn't really sure, I'd never dated or even had an interest in anyone, and go figure that my one interest is the one person who can trigger the anger within me. Was that why I liked him? He brought out a new side of me? Granted, it wasn't a very pretty side, but it was a tough side, which was something I had never been before. Of course, I'd never been a lot of things.
But I wanted to be a lot of things. My thoughts progressed and I thought of all the things I loved but could never accomplish. I was told by mom that when I was little, about three, I would sing. I had loved it apparently. But that was something I could never do. I could also never be in theatre, preforming on stage. Unless that part was one that didn't speak, but those odds are quite slim. My musical talent was lacking, although I was getting better at the piano. And so often I seemed rude because I could not reply to people when asked simple questions at stores, or when I was asked directions on the street by tourists. All of these things we closed to me, so all I had really was my writing and music.
Perhaps that was another reason I was so drawn to Yamato. Music. He held so much talent and his voice was amazing. Of course, the biggest reason I was drawn to him, and I had thought hard about this, was that we were both so different from those around us. Yamato, hardened and cold, yet able to fit right in and not lash out at people, and I, so much wiser then my years suggested and unable to communicate to others easily - it was a sort of connection we both had that just... was.
"Come on Hikari," Takeru grinned at him and held his hand out, to help me stand from the grass patched I'd sat on. "let's get to class." Apparently, I'd been so lost in thought that I hadn't even heard the bell ring, but nonetheless, I smiled and accepted his hand so he could hoist me off the grass.
My classes that day, which were usually to fast, seemed to drag on. I was there, but my mind was elsewhere. My thoughts flew everywhere, and mostly too, I'm sure you've guest, Yamato. I wanted to know more about his past, his life, why he was so... fake. What were his bits and pieces that made him. Just who was Yamato?
I wondered from class to class without much thought of what I was doing. My body was on autopiloit, and pretty well at that. I even took notes that were understandable, though I didn't really get most of the lessons I was being taught. Hopefully my notes would show me what I needed. And if not I could always try and look it up on the internet; but lunch was the one time I paid attention, I was alert. Especially since Miyako chatted my ear off.
"And so Mimi and Sora want us to go to this party with them, someone on Taichi's football team is hosting it, and it should be completely fun! Sora said she would stick to your side like glue so you could chat with people and then she wouldn't have to socialize or get caught up in conversation with a boy. You know how Sora is about the opposite sex. She's more of a boy herself then anything, but that's besides the point-" Miyako continued to chatter on, on a subject I wasn't very interested in anyway. I knew I wouldn't go to the party. One, because I didn't go to party (I'm sure you can guess why) and two, Taichi would never allow it. Not everyone on his football team was... well, let's just say many of them tampered with drugs or alcohol once in there lives and they would probably have some sort of alcohol at there party. If it wasn't on school grounds, I generally avoided going to it.
Miyako and I walked to our table with her talking and we passed Taichi and Yamato. I smiled at both, though my eyes went to Yamato. I don't think Taichi noticed because he just grinned and waved. But Yamato just nodded to Miyako and I. I wasn't sure of what to feel - should I be sad that he could pretend nothing had happened? Should I be mad because he could? Or relieved because it meant that this might work? Since I wasn't sure which, I just did wait I did best. I placed a smile on my face and continued on, listening to talk of parties and boys. My faLse action went unquestioned, it always did because I was good at it. And it's not as sad as I'm making it sound. I am just so used to smiling, I love to smile, so smiling comes naturally to me, even when I just want to ball up and cry in a corner. I guess it is my gift from whoever took my voice - in replacement they allowed me to smile so I wouldn't have to try and answer so many questions that would otherwise be shot my way.
"Can you imagine the look on her face!" Daisuke was saying as Miyako and I joined the rest of our group at our table. Daisuke sat next to Ken, who was across from Takeru. Iori was on the other side of Daisuke. That left the places across from Daisuke and Iori open next to Takeru, which was where Miyako and I placed ourselves, me next to Takeru and her on the end.
"Who's face?" Miyako quickly joined it.
"Maki! It was funny as hell! Hiro-Sensie told us that we would be dissecting worms and she nearly fainted! Then she started in on this whole rant about how she couldn't do that because it would make her sick and stuff," Daisuke laughed when he finished. I didn't find the humor, but perhaps it was a had-to-be-there moment, and since Ken and Takeru were in his class, they, too, were laughing. I merely shook my head and rolled my eyes.
"You don't find that funny?" Daisuke noticed my lack of humor.
Not really. I signed and Miyako voiced it. God I loved her. She was the sister I was never given and I was grateful for her. She learned sign language well, and although she doesn't know all of it like mom and I, she knows the basic phrases I use so often. I think I would have been completely lost if it weren't for her being in our group.
"Oh, and what's funny to you if that's not?" Daisuke was teasing me now, so I shot him a look and shrugged my shoulders. With that dismissive move, the conversation moved to various topics, such as how the day was going to far and what plans for the weekend were. When I was asked, I shrugged again and after more persistence, I finally signed a reply.
I suppose I'll practice the piano. I'm thinking of preforming in the talent show, if I can get good enough.
"I think you are! I can't play anything on the piano!" Iori encouraged me. I thanked him with a smile.
"I'm sure you'll be able to, Hikari," Ken spoke up. Ken was the quieter one of our group. He rarely spoke, and when he did, it was usually something profound or uplifting. "You're very talented."
"Of course she is!" Taichi's voice broke in and we all looked up quickly to see him standing at the end of the table, Yamato on one side of him and Koushiro on the other. "She's my sister!"
I rolled my eyes. Being your sister does not automatically bring talent. Don't flatter yourself.
"Of course it does. I'm me and that's talent enough. Being related to me just means that you get to have some of that talent," Taichi teased me, a grin on his face the whole time. I gave Taichi a look and out of the corner of my eye I noticed Yamato staring right at me. I turned my gaze to him and he quickly looked away, turning his head completely to the side and pretended to look at something on the other side of the cafeteria. Just what was he thinking?
"So, who's going to the party this Friday?" Koushiro asked, which started a whole new talking session that I excused myself from. I signed to Miyako that I was going to hang in the library and finish some homework. Once she nodded in return I left quickly, grabbing my backpack and heading into the hallway.
The halls were practically empty, but that was to be expected because it was such a nice day outside. With the lack of people inside, it was oddly quiet, so I heard the footsteps following me quite easily. I looked over my shoulder to see Yamato. I grinned and waved to him.
Yamato approached and looked... uncomfortable. I couldn't blame him because he looked how I felt. And I was almost positive that we were thinking the exact same thing. Now what? But Yamato had a much more smart thing to say. "Hey." I hope you noticed the sarcasm in my last sentence. Of course, I couldn't think of anything else better to say besides hey, but that wasn't really the point. "Going to the library?"
I nodded and gestured for him to follow me as I walked. He did, and I must say that I had to resist the urge to reach out and hold his hand. I mean, I wanted to, badly, but I couldn't. I also knew that even if we weren't hiding our relationship I wouldn't have been able to. I'm to shy for that kind of thing. He would have had to do it first, and even then I would probably have blushed the whole time. What I found so very odd, though, was that I was shy around him now that we were dating. Just yesterday I'd kissed the boy! Now today I could only think of blushing and such. I didn't understand it. Perhaps it was something I could ask Miyako or Sora - they probably, definatly, knew more than me.
"Hey, Hikari... I, uh," Yamato stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked next to me and looked at the ground as he walked. "I talked to Takeru last night. Ya know, mostly just sibling talk, but we got onto the subject of you. And Takeru thinks it would be a good idea for you to come to my band practices with him. He's always alone there and you like music. So what'dya think?"
I was quiet for a bit, thinking it over carefully. It would be completely awesome! I shook my head yes and smiled widely to show that I completely agreed with the idea. Yamato returned my smile and told me he's see me later and he headed off, his head down. It wasn't until he was out of sight that I start to truly think and realized what I'd just agreed too. Going to band practice.... Where he will be with the people who know him best and the people who can not find out about us in any way, shape, or form! How would I not be able to gaze at him when he sings? His voice was amazing!
Just what had I gotten myself into?
But... another part of me wasn't thinking about that, but rather with how Yamato walked. It had never occurred to me until just then that Yamato never walked with his head up. His head was always down, towards the ground. He looked up to look at you when you spoke or if he stopped walking, but mostly he looked to the ground. I had been silent enough to learn that those who were unsure walked with their heads down. Those with things to hide, or those who were ashamed.
So what was Yamato afraid of? Or worse yet - ashamed of?
Yesh, an update. I'm unsure of how many chapters this is going to be... It was suppose to be a short little 8-9 chapter thing, but ideas kept coming and then I lost interest. But now the interest it back and I've got more ideas... *sigh* We shall see what happens, won't we?