I don't own Titus or any of the characters so please don't sue me.
CHAPTER 1:Dad is dead
The LA Times states that 63 of all American families are now considered dysfunctional. That means were the majority, were normal. It's the people that had the mom, dad, sister, brother, white picket fence, those people are the freaks. Normal people scare me. It's because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens, they just snap. Like my pal Tommy.
(A month ago)
At that point, Tommy was standing in the middle of his bathroom with a clogged toilet. He had done everything he could think of to fix it. It just kept overflowing. He couldn't take it. He finally screamed "IS THERE NO GOD."
But being from a dysfunctional family means that nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?
"What do you mean dad is dead" said Christopher Titus. He was talking to his brother Dave. Dave was a red headed, ferret faced, pot smoker. He was left with Titus and his father when he was 5. What happened was, when Dave's mom left Titus' dad, she forgot to take Dave with her.
All Dave could say was "I think dad is dead"
"Not a lot of grey area here Dave. Dead, not dead, is there a pulse" said Titus
"I don't know"
"I have taken half a day off work, there better be a corpse." Titus slowly started to calm down and said "I mean, what makes you think he's dead"
Dave replied "He's been in his room for 4 days now"
Titus looked and his brother and casually said "Right and"
"Without getting a beer"
At this point, sadness hit Titus. All he could say was "Oh my god. How did it happen?"
"I don't know. I'm not going in his room I'll be scared for life"
"Dave, you've been living with the man since you were 8, you are scared for life"
Dave and I both lived in the same fear of dad. Except I was more aggressive.
10 years ago
Titus and Dave sat on the couch and watched their dad sitting in his chair, drinking a beer, watching the football game. Titus whispered to Dave "Look at him, what does he do? Just sitting there, chair growing out the back of his head, I bet I could kick his ass."
Dave out of concern and fear (Mostly fear) just suggested "Or we could go get ice cream"
I had decided to cross that man boy line.
Just then, Titus got up from the couch and stood strait in front of his dad and said "I did not loose your crescent wrench. You are such a bag of butt-cracks. You wanna piece of me, come on, me and you old man. Yeah, I got some moves now" He struck a crane pose and screamed.
I thought my dad was lazy. It turns out, he was just resting up
Papa Titus got up from his chair and in one punch, knocked his son out. After seeing this, Dave got up from the couch, ran to his room and locked the door.
See the difference between me and Dave is, Dave has the ability to walk away
Dave looked at Titus and said "I'm out" He started to walk out the door when his brother stopped him. "Hey you're not going anywhere". Titus pointed to his dad's room and said "Now go in there and discover our dead father."
"NO, I never went in dad's room when he was alive, I'm sure as hell not going in there now that he's dead"
"Oh come on you've been in his room before"
"Never in my life…..Ok when"
"When we swiped his hustler magazine Christmas issue. 62 pages of Ho Ho Ho's"
"No no no, you went in, I was look out"
"What about when we swiped quarters from his Los Vegas jug"
"How bout the time-"
"Well look little brother now you have a choice. You can go in there and find out that our father is dead or you can be a soulless nothing, rotting on the sidelines, waiting for life to run you over."
Dave thought for a moment and said "I choose rotting soulless nothing." Titus's head sank and the he said "Quit being a WUSSY". Dave's blood froze and he started pointing at Titus. Because right their, Titus sounded like their dad.
That was the supreme insult in our family. Dad though you could get through anything if you just "Quit being a wussy". You could get your arm ripped off and dad would find the arm get some packing tape and strap it back on.
In Titus's mind 17 years ago
It was at the semi finals during a soccer tournament and Titus's dad had strapped his arm back on with some packing tape and said "Here you go son, now you're ready to play. Time to quit being a wussy."
"Thank you father, I'll be the best soccer player ever" That is what little Titus said as he ran out onto the soccer field with his right arm dangling. The father of another kid looked at papa Titus with disgust. Papa Titus looked back at him and with so much casualness in his voice like he had done nothing wrong looked back at him and said "What".
"I am not a wussy" screamed Dave. Titus pointed to his dads room and said "Well then go in there man. Fear no evil. Go in there and face the darkness"
"Hey I live with him; I face the darkness every day. You go in"
Titus hesitated and then said "Fine pshh I'll go in"
"Fine pshh I'll be look out"
Titus looked at his brother like he was and idiot and went up to the door and put his hand on the doorknob.
My father never missed a drink, or a joint, or a party, or a chance to get laid in his life. But he also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment.
22 years ago
This is a man who has been divorced five times and the women cleaned him out every time. At one point in my life all we had left was a wooden box, 12" black and white TV, and a 4-man rubber raft for a couch.
The repo guys had just taken Papa Titus' chair. So Papa Titus sat down next to his 5 year old son on the "couch" and told his son "I met a foxy new lady today. I think your gunna like her. You ready for a new mommy?" Little Titus just hugged his teddybear and stared at the TV. Papa Titus looked at his son took a sip from his beer and said "Wussy".
If anybody else had put me through the crap that this man had, I'd have burst in the room, danced a jig, and high-fived the coroner but this was my dad. Do you wanna find your dad dead?
Titus stepped back from the door looked at Dave and said "Shut-up". He walked over to his dads chair and sat down. Dave walked towards the kitchen and said "I'm gunna go make a sandwich. Do you want one wussy?" Titus got up. He looked like he was about to punch Dave. He then said "Light mayonnaise no cheese."
They walked to kitchen. Dave tossed Titus a bag of bread and said "So, now what." Titus untied the bag and said "I don't know. I mean, if we don't notify somebody soon, we stop being grieving relatives and become suspects."
"Hey maybe theirs some kind of service we can call"
Titus looked up and sarcastically said "You mean like that guy that comes over and pulls dead squirrels out of your heating vent."
"Well no, I guess not"
"Maybe we should call mom". After Titus said that, he and Dave burst out laughing.
My mom is crazy. I don't mean like "MY MOM IS CRAZY". I mean "we the jury find the defendant…"
She was diagnosed a manic depressive schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it….
22 years ago
Papa Titus went over to his boy and said "Your mom's shacked up in the wacko basket. You want a cookie".
Titus and Dave walked back into the living room laughing. They were three feet from papa Titus room and then they froze." Titus looked over to his brother and said "we gotta go in there."
"Yeah but we just ate. Shouldn't we wait like a half hour" said Dave
"Dave, were going in." They walked slowly to the door and Titus' voice got a little high pitched as he said "because, were not wussies." They were only 3 inches away when, the doorbell rang. The two of them bolted to the door. Titus got there first.
He opened the door and standing there was his girlfriend Erin.
Erin was a very pretty blond and out of all of the people Titus had met, she was the most normal. She and Titus actually went to high school together. The only reason they never went out then was because Erin was in the "hot girls" group and Titus was in the losers who "hadn't discovered deodorant" group. Luckily for Titus, he met Erin again after high school. Way after high school. They had been going out for almost an entire year.
Erin was angry. She looked at her boyfriend and said "So I'm sitting at meeting with a very important client when suddenly my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead". So I race out of the meeting and I drive all the way to Santa Maria because naturally I think MY dad's dead."
Titus looked at Erin and said "Honey, your dad's not dead"
"Yeah, I know that now. Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would have been so sick" said Erin
"Baby, I'm sorry. What I should have said was, my dads dead"
Erin laughed and said "wasn't funny about my dad and it's not funny about yours." She then saw the look of sincerity on Dave and Titus faces and realized "Unless it's not a joke. Papa Titus is dead"
Dave spoke up and said "we did page you"
Erin then hugged her boyfriend
That's Erin, always taking care of me. Not like my last girlfriend: case #246-B. She was a little less thoughtful. She was a 5 foot, 100 pound, Jewish girl. And I still haven't forgiven the Jewish people. I almost spent a night in jail because of this woman, but they don't let you stay in jail just because you're afraid of your girlfriend.
"Are you ok?" said Erin as she hugged Titus.
"I'm ok". Then Erin turned to Dave and asked "how about you"?
Dave replied "no" then he tried to hug Erin. She completely ignored him and turned back to Titus. She said "Don't worry, I'll handle everything. I will call everyone. I am here now".
Titus replied "God you are amazing. You find out our father might be dead and you are all over it. God I love you"
"What did you say?"
"God I love you"
"You are amazing"
"No lets go all the way back to the might be dead part"
"Dave and I have some concerns about that too"
Of coarse Erin can get angry. She's got that Irish temper. But she's northern Irish so we don't fight; she just puts a bomb in my car. Isn't she great? Beautiful, proactive, although when we first go together, dad thought the relationship was a huge mistake.
(Almost a year ago)
"I think this relationship is a huge mistake." said Papa Titus. "Take it from a guy who has been married a lot. You will regret the day you moved in together. You are in for a nightmare." Erin just looked at him with her eyes wide open
Erin, Dave, and Titus went back into the living room with Erin scolding them "I can't believe you guys are so lame you can't go in there and find your own dead father" She went towards the door to Papa Titus's room and stopped just like Titus. She turned around and went towards the nearest chair saying, "You're small weak men and you disgust me."
Titus looked down at her and said "Well, little miss big talk couldn't open it either."
"Hey, I already walked in on one horrifying scene today. So what makes you think he's dead?"
Dave replied "He's been in his room for 4 days now"
"Without getting a beer"
The same look of sadness that hit Titus hit Erin. All she could say was "Oh my god"
"Maybe that's why he gave me his will"
Titus then asked her "What will?"
"Last Thursday he gave me his will"
"How come he didn't give me his will?"
Then Dave said "I live here I should get the will"
"I'm the oldest" said Titus. Then Erin screamed "Stop" before a fight broke out.
"Listen" said Erin, "you're missing the point. We've got a secret will and a newly dead guy".
Titus and Dave just sat on the couch and stared at her blankly. She then said "alright a train leaves Chicago go 60 mph…."
"I got it" screamed Titus.
Then Dave said "Why would dad go to Chicago"
Titus looked at his brother and said "Dave, dad killed himself."
Erin took the will out of her purse and said "What a waist. He was only 54."
They stood in silence for a while and then Dave said "Who won the pool"
They all reached into there pockets and pulled out small stubs. Titus had 68. Erin had 83. Dave had 52. They tore there stubs up and Dave asked "So who had 54?"
Titus answered "Dad did"
Erin said "So he went out a winner and a looser"
Titus lied back on the couch and said "Dad is not the kind of guy who would kill himself. One of us maybe but not himself."
Erin said "Maybe it wasn't suicide, maybe he knew he was going to die"
Dave then said "How would he know, he hasn't been to the doctor since the fellatio incident"
Titus asked Dave "Do you wanna open the will. It would be kinda nice to see what we got. Kinda like Christmas except dad's not drunk."
Then Dave added on "And no cops"
Before they opened the will, the door bell rang.
Ya'll remember my pal Tommy
"IS THERE NO GOD"
Titus opened the door and Tommy ran in and hugged Titus crying "Oh god your dad is dead I am so sorry. What a great man he was." He went over to Erin and hugged her too. Then when he went over to Dave and tried to hug him but Dave stopped him by putting his hand on Tommy's face. Tommy responded by putting his hand on Dave's face saying, "I so feel your loss Dave." Tommy Then said "its gunna be alright everyone, I stopped by the bookstore and looked through a number of books and I found this one to be the most comprehensive. Death: do's and don'ts"
Tommy is the most anal detail oriented…anal human being on the planet. Which is why I hired him.
In Titus's hotrod shop Tommy was marveling over the new car they built. He said "We did it. We started with a hunk of metal, four wheels, and a motor and we turned it into art. Picasso, Van Gogh, Titus." Titus looked at him and said "Shut up, I'm going to get some lunch." Dave followed him and Tommy started to follow but Titus closed the garage door before Tommy could get out.
"Titus High Performance" we build hotrods. Hotrods that are smoother, faster and have more flow than anything on the road. Cause all anybody really wants is a normal life and a cool car. Most people settle for the car.
Titus looked at Tommy and said "What the hell is a death do?"
Tommy opened his book and read "Do: Write and obituary for the newspaper." Tommy pulled a slip of paper from his pocket and said "I took the liberty".
"We'll read it later"
"I understand" said Tommy as he tried to hug Titus again. Titus raised his hand and said "Don't"
Tommy backed off and once again looked at his book and read "Do: Decide if you want to have a viewing of the body." There was a silence and Tommy said "Are we gunna…" and Erin replied "Eventually."
Titus and Dave put their arms around Tommy, led him to the door to Papa Titus's room and Titus said "Tommy, you know a viewing is an excellent idea. You go first". Tommy's eyes grew wide; he turned around and said "He's still in there. Oh my god". He ran from the door and said "I think having the body removed is a big death do. I don't wanna see Papa Titus like that. He was like a father to me." Titus sat back down on the couch saying "He was Like a father to all of us."
Tommy worships my dad because he didn't have to grow up with him. He didn't have to run the gauntlet. A mother will give you knowledge; a father makes you earn knowledge.
(22 years ago)
Little Titus had found a dime. He walked with it in hand until he found an outlet. He remembered seeing his father put in change in a soda machine once. So he bent down put the dime close to the socket then his mom walked in the room and said "Don't do that sweetheart it dangerous." His dad (who had been sitting there the whole time) held her back and said "No wait," he looked at his son and said "Well go on". Little Titus put the dime in the outlet and got shocked. His dad looked down at him and said "Well, I bet your never gunna do that again now are you"
Tommy walked towards the door and said "I almost forgot the cake. I left it on the porch" He handed his book to Dave and Erin got up and asked "Why did you bring cake"
"Page 216" replied Tommy as he walked back in with the cake.
Dave looked through the book till he found the page and read "Do: have plenty of comfort foods; ex: pastries, chocolate, and cake."
Erin sarcastically said "Well we can either go into your fathers' room or we can have cake"
Dave and Titus looked at each other and said "Cake" The three of them then fallowed Tommy into the kitchen.
As they sat down to eat the cake Erin couldn't help but say "You know, I'm gunna miss your dad"
Tommy joined in and said "Me too. Hey, remember the mailbox". Titus and Dave then started to laugh. Erin then asked about the mail box and Dave replied "Titus stole a federal male box."
Titus then said "I was drunk and it was giving me attitude"
Tommy then told Erin "The police caught him and took him to jail" and Dave said
"Dad left him in there for 2 days."
Titus added "He wouldn't post bail".
Erin finished off by saying "Bet you never did that again"
Once she said that, Titus had realized how good his dad really was. "Son of a bitch, he really did love me."
Dave added on "Yeah I know, he taught us so much. He taught us how to shave, how to drive, how to water ski".
"He gave us three tries to get up. And if you weren't up by that third try "Swim back"".
Erin added "He was a noble loving father, a caring human being, who only thought of others"
Tommy, Dave, and Titus looked at her and she continued "When sober". The boys then agreed with her.
Dave continued "Man when he drank, he turned into the most negative human being on the planet"
Titus said "You might know him as ANTI-DAD."
"Where ever there is hope" Dave started.
"I shall stop it"
"Where self esteem rears its shinny little head"
"I'll be there to kick it in the testicles"
"He dad I got a "B" on my report card"
"But it's not an "A" is it son. Now that the smile has left your face, I'm off."
"Hey dad, I graduated high school"
"But you didn't make valedictorian did you boy. When your confidence returns so shall I"
"Hey dad, I got my first job"
"Good for you. Wait a minute something's wrong." Titus pretended to drink a beer and said "First job huh, Well you aren't manager yet are you boy. And a real man would own his own business. Now leave me alone. I'm off to destroy your brother. Ok now it's my turn. Hey dad, last year I started my own business and in one year I made more money than you made in any year of your life. What do you think about that?"
They were so busy laughing that they didn't notice Papa Titus walk in wearing nothing but his boxers and a robe. He reached in the fridge, pulled out a beer, opened it and said "I think without me pushing you, you never would have made it." He took a sip from his beer and said "Now will you be quiet, I am trying to get some sleep." He then walked back to his room and slammed the door.
Titus, Erin, Dave and Tommy just sat there in silence until Tommy said "He's not dead".
Erin exhaled and said "Thank god", but no one replied at all. They just sat there with there eyes wide open. Erin repeated "Thank god right"
The LA Times states that 63 of all American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good, because that means when Armageddon happens, 37 of the population is going to loose there minds. "Oh my god the world is over". Us 63 are gunna go "Hey there's know one watching the Lexus dealership"