Title: Wonder What's In His Wonderballs
Author: Moonlit Flower
Fandom: The Big Band Theory/DC Comics
Rating: R for humping.
Warnings: May be hazardous to your intelligence. May cause nausea and vomiting. May not be suitable for children. May induce pregnancy.
Summary: Late in the night, Sheldon Cooper is ever vigilant. He's faster than a speeding photon, able to know both where he is and how fast he is going at any given time and is able to bounce quarters off his star-spangled bottom.
Notes: For privytodoom's challenge on livejournal. I can't believe I wrote this.
Highlighted by the sun's dying rays, Sheldon stood stark against the gray buildings of his city. He was waiting, waiting for the seedy nightlife of Los Angeles to come crawling out, waiting for the cruel hand of man to violate the body of lady justice.
But while he waited, Sheldon took out a wetnap from his Golden Girdle of Gaea. All that talk of seedy crawling things and rape caused his hypersensitive skin to crawl. With one last wipe, Sheldon deposited the soiled wetnap into a little Ziploc bag against his hip.
And since he was at it already, Sheldon pulled out the rest of his magical artifacts to see if there was a way he could improve on his already optimally efficient girdle. Difficult, but if anyone could improve upon perfection his IQ of 187 would the one.
"Lasso goes to the right of the invisible plane's invisible keys, since the keys give less surface area compared to the lasso...this would be far more efficient if I installed shelves.", our superhero muttered to himself.
Suddenly a cry rang out in the night.
"Help! Help! Pervert! Somebody stop that man!"
Sheldon snapped his belt back on and bounded toward the invisible plane. Crime waited for no man. Besides, there would be time later to blueprint and redraft his costume. Speaking of which, Sheldon rubbed his bottom against the invisible leather seats he slid onto, enjoying the cool press of his shorts against skin.
The fabric was a sleek polyester blend synthesized by NASA and designed to be stain-resistant, tear-resistant and aerodynamic. It also had the plus of squeezing him in all the right places and none of the wrong. As snug as the sweaters mother knitted him for winter and twice as soft. Sheldon was very pleased with himself for the prime choice in fabric.
Landing the craft, Sheldon had to take some time to adjust his other lasso of truth. The fabric was, simply put, too good and he couldn't very well fight for woman empowerment with an erection.
Adequately tucking himself back, Sheldon leapt from the invisible plane out in front of one red-faced woman in a towel. Sheldon really hoped she usually had clothes on, otherwise who knew how disease-riddled she was after years of nudity. He really should inquire about her health before getting any closer.
"Are you sick?" Sheldon asked while taking the precautionary step back.
The woman looked at him like he was the crazy one.
"No." She drew out.
"But there's a pervert hiding in those bushes over there that is sick in the mind. And if it wouldn't be a bother, would you DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" Her last words coming out as a scream.
The bushes several feet away screamed back. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to get my textbook! Look it's right here!" True to its word, the bush waved a hardcover on quantum mechanics. An outdated hardcover, Sheldon noted. But then, most texts were outdated since he hadn't gotten a chance to correct them yet.
"I'm not a pervert!" Amazingly, the bushes managed to sound repentant and submissive through the screaming.
"I don't care what your reasons were, you little creep. You were still staring at me for five minutes!" The woman started took up screeching again. On the plus side, anyone with that much energy shouldn't be too infirmed. "
Beat that peeping tom up, Wonder Woman!"
At that the man behind the bushes took off.
"Here's the problem with that suggestion, ma'am."
"Penny." The woman interrupted. Sheldon cleared his throat and started again.
"Here's the problem with that suggestion, Penny." He glared at her to make sure she understood. "You see, while height is to my advantage..." And Sheldon gestured to his lanky frame because he heard visuals usually helped engage lower minds. "...your would-be-rapist, judging by his width, overweighs me. Assuming I could use myself as a leverage, which I can't, there'd be no way for me to keep him from shaking me off and running."
Head settling back, Sheldon leveled her one of his "so there" looks. Unfortunately Penny seemed immune.
"You've got a lasso and a boomerang tiara. Go get 'em, Tiger.", she pointed out.
"Oh. Well. I just thought weapons would be an unfair advantage. After all, this is the Justice League." Sheldon climbed into his invisible plane. "I'll be going now."
"Good." Penny muttered, finally heading back inside.
After a few seconds of flying, Sheldon spotted a sprinting textbook topped figure and set the plane down.
"Halt, you pervert!" He shouted, slowly disentangling one leg at a time from the invisible seatbelts, thoroughly convinced of the idiocy of the plane's creators. In what world, other than Bizarro, was invisible any object a smart choice? Besides, once the pilot got into the vehicle, they'd be seen through the invisible walls, making stealth pointless.
Sheldon kicked the last of the seatbelt off and placed his hands on his hips in classic hero pose.
The fiend looked up at him and took in the low cut halter top revealing an ample brushing of chest hair trailing into skin tight star spangled short shorts.
"I'd really rather prefer to be addressed by Leonard actually." He whined. "And I don't feel like you have any grounds to call me a pervert. Not dressed like…that anyway." And Leonard demonstrated "like that" with a handshake in what Sheldon supposed was his direction. Except Sheldon didn't see anything wrong in his direction.
"Like what?", he asked, chin jutting forward like a bird upon finding something new.
"That!" Leonard motioned again, pointing this time. And not much more specific, Sheldon noticed. Well, he didn't have the time to waste on circular arguments like this. Sheldon uncoiled the golden rope from his girdle and give it a few preparatory swings in the air.
Except Leonard flailed again right when Sheldon unleashed his lasso, causing one hand to catch on the hoop and pull Sheldon forward so they both smacked into each other. The rope, meanwhile, tangled around their arms and legs in their collective flailing.
Sometime between a panic attack from sharing direct contact with a possible disease carrier and a panic attack from possible contusions from impact, Sheldon felt something hot and heavy poking into his hip. His eyes popped when he realized what it was he was grinding into.
"Oh. Is that?"
"I'm sorry? Here. Just back up a little."
"Oh!" Sheldon's eyes got very bright when Leonard wiggled to move his erection. "Oh. Try that again."
"Try what? This?"
Sheldon made an odd chirping noise.
"Are you enjoying that? You are! Wait! Stop, that's my...!"
The conversation shortly dissolved into short grunts and moans as Sheldon discovered why stain resistant shorts were a good option.
Some time later the two men collapsed next to each other, faces red and shining.
Sheldon turned his own blotchy red face to Leonard's and gasped out, "As satisfactory as that was, I'm afraid we have to cut the so-called pillow talk short. Do you mind retying yourself or should I do it?"
The look on Leonard's face dropped from post-orgasm bliss to incredibility in a second.
"I'll do it then." Sheldon looped his lasso around Leonard and nudged him to the plane's passenger seat with Leonard protesting all the way.
"We just humped each other and you still want to arrest me?"
"Considering I was arresting you in the first place for spying on a woman's shower, this isn't helping your case. Might I suggest staying silent. Hmm?"
Leonard opened his mouth then closed it. Then opened it once more before shutting it and settling back for the rest of the ride.
When they got to the station, the police took one long look at them and slammed the door.
"Well," Sheldon frowned, "that was rude and I'm not sure entirely legal."
"Since the police refuse to take me, can you drop me back at home?", Leonard attempted.
Sheldon frowned again. "No, I can't since the purpose of my alter identity is to keep crime off the streets, not entertain it for a few hours then release it back into the wild like some twisted game of cat and mouse. You'll have to stay in my apartment, then. You seem useful enough. Tell me again, how much do you understand about the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied beyond atomic systems."
"Enough to know that it's completely bogus and the type of question a high school physics student would expect as a freebie on the qualitative test to get into rudimentary physics."
Sheldon made the same chirping happy sound in the back of his throat.
And that's how Leonard met Sheldon. As to why they don't remember Penny in episode one. It's cause Sheldon's amazing like that.
This is utter crack written at eleven at night in lieu of studying for an exam. I am so screwed tomorrow.