A/N: Okay - Disclaimer #1 - I don't own Sam, Dean, Mulder, Scully, or Scooby Doo. Disclaimer #2 - I plead insanity. Seriously, I have no idea where this came from and no, I'm not on any drugs. For the record, I am a fan of both Scooby and X-Files.
What Else Is There To Do?
Summary: What else is there to do on the road except...talk? Dean vs Sam battle of wits: Scooby or X-Files?
"What do you think, man? Scooby Doo or Mulder and Scully?"
Sam wiped a weary hand over his face. "Dean…Dallas to Portland is long enough without…"
"Come on," his brother implored. "Who do'ya think could bag a monster first?"
Sam dropped his head and snickered. Dean was in a good mood. So good, in fact, Sam wasn't willing to put a damper on his spirit by avoiding the inevitable debate. His brother hardly ever smiled these days; Sam could play along. Indulging his brother with a battle of wits would pass time. "Fine," he gave in. This was either going to be really short, or really interesting. "Mulder and Scully, hands down."
"Dude, Scooby's a cartoon."
"So? Haven't you ever seen an episode? They're like freaking kid-Ghostbusters, without the proton packs! They chase monsters and stuff all the time!"
"Not real monsters," Sam pointed out. "They chase around deadbeats in costumes. If some real evil came barreling out of the bushes at them they'd be totally screwed."
"I'm serious." Sam shifted slightly in his seat so he could face his brother and counted off the reasons with his fingers. "Shaggy would jump into Scooby's arms and run away in terror… Daphne would scream and fall into some trap door and get herself captured… Fred would get decapitated before he had the chance to tell everybody to split up… and Velma would try to explain what was really going on right up until getting herself eaten, dismembered, mutilated, or possessed - after she loses her glasses." He dropped his hands, finishing his tirade with a smug, "Mulder and Scully deal with the real stuff all the time."
Dean tapped the steering wheel impatiently. Sam had a point, well several actually, but that didn't matter. "That's stupid! It takes Scooby and the gang 15 minutes to discover a mystery and capture the bad guy, real or not. It takes Mulder and Scully – what – an entire hour?"
"Yeah, but before Scooby gets his first Scooby snack, Mulder's already searched the premises, done a background check, autopsied the murder victim with Scully, and had a secret meeting with Cancer man. There's no competition."
"I gotta disagree, Sammy. Mulder and Scully have too much sexual tension to get the job done."
Sam raised an eyebrow. "Sexual tension?"
"Yeah. Dude, while the two of them are busy trying to hide the fact that they wanna jump each other's bones, Scooby's accidentally captured the bad guys by tripping over a wire that pulls down a lamp that knocks them into a closet. End of story."
"Sexual tension, huh? What about Fred and Daphne?"
"What about them?"
"Come on, man. They were obviously at it like jackrabbits. Every episode has Fred suggesting they split up and then he and Daphne go off together to 'explore'. You know what they were doing."
"Oh, so it was just speculation that the entire gang was on drugs?"
"They weren't on drugs. You're just mad because you know I'm right."
"Bite me. They talk to a freaking dog, for crying out loud! What do you think Scooby snacks are? Shaggy and Scooby always have the munchies, they're paranoid, they see things..."
"Whatever. They did fight real monsters, you know. Like those big purple creatures in the first movie. Those were real and they got them."
"Mulder and Scully are FBI agents. They've got weapons. They're smart, intelligent…"
"Intelligent? Fred was the original McGuyver! You saw all those traps he built to catch the monsters. Give the guy a hairpin, a fish net and a bar of soap and wah-la, instant monster-catcher! What do Mulder and Scully ever do? Chase the bad guy into an abandoned warehouse and then wake up with tracking devices surgically implanted in their brains. Besides, Fred dresses better than Mulder."
Dean's face was so serious that Sam actually laughed out loud. Who knew what freaky things lurked in the dark recesses of his brother's brain? This was getting amusing.
"What?" Dean asked, still serious.
"Nothing, nothing," Sam answered, still snickering. Then… "Dresses better?"
"Hell yeah. Fred's gotta be a badass. What man can wear a scarf and not get his ass kicked? You know he was puttin' the smack down, demanding respect. Mulder's just a geek in a suit."
"First - it's an ascot, not a scarf. Second - you wanna talk about badass? If Mulder and Scully were ever in trouble, they could have a SWAT at their backs in 10 minutes. Who's Scooby gonna call when they get into trouble? Don Knots?"
Score! Dean watched Sam open his mouth, then shut it again.
"…I walked into that one, didn't I?"
Dean reached over and patted his brother sympathetically on the knee. "Don't sweat it, Sammy," he said dramatically. "Even if I hadn't already won this conversation, there's still one really important thing left you've missed."
"And what might that be?"
"What kind of car do Mulder and Scully drive?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"See, you don't know. Why? Because they drive a worthless, boring, normal car. Nobody remembers what Mulder and Scully drive. What do Scooby and the gang drive?"
"The Mystery Machine."
"That's right! The freaking Mystery Machine! Whoever has the cooler car wins!" Dean was beaming from his victory as he leaned over and stroked the dashboard affectionately. "Isn't that right baby?"
Sam shook his head, grinning. Dean 1; Sam 0.